Ah, the Kardashians. Week after week, they remind me how wonderful, awful, and insufferably inane family can be - all within the course of an hour. This week, Kim K and the Baby Jenners are having some serious bonding time - applying fake eyelashes, jumping on beds, jogging, tackling assignments for Seventeen magazine together, voguing while wearing fake handlebar mustaches - premium sisterly fun!
Kendall and Kylie are now West Coast Contributors for Seventeen Magazine, a position I would’ve mercilessly slaughtered the entire Kardashian family for when I was a wee, writerly teen with a closet full of teen fashion mags. But Kendall and Kylie TOTES deserve it, because they are...sort of famous. It doesn't matter that they titter at antiquated vocab words like “swoon”, as in “Any teenage girl would swoon for this opportunity.” (I myself use “swoon” at least twice a day.)
But at least Kendallylie know how to dress for the part. In fact, I’m kind of shocked, because in last week’s episode, they both looked 12 years old - and this week, they are all leggy, made up and boobified to the point where it’s slightly alarming. In fact, I’m clutching my pearls right now. It’s almost as if some E! network exec saw the first episode and said “I don’t think we’re actualizing Kendall and Kylie’s underage sex potential enough this season. Luckily, we have just enough room in the budget for two tiny boob jobs...”
Kendall and Kylie’s first assignment for Seventeen is hitting the streets to recruit models for a fashion shoot. But little Kylie has reservations about her first professional gig. “I'm just such a shy person, I don't know if I can just walk up to random people.” Kylie says aloud to the MILLIONS of viewers at home. Sure enough though, Kendall does all the legwork, and Kylie slowly (and rather conspicuously) shirks away from each new model prospect. But as you can probably guess, Kylie’s strangely selective crippling shyness is not the main point of contention in this episode.
Just like last week, it’s all mama drama, all the time. Kim and Kourtney are lunching - chatting about Dash, drinking Arnold Palmers, and looking their casual best. Kris Jenner is of course, a topic of conversation. Her stupid book is bringing up some long buried resentments on Kourtney’s part. One million years ago, Kris cheated on Papa Kardashian, and that’s why they divorced, and now that Kourtney’s a mom of her own, she just can’t fathom how a young married mother could do that to her children. NOBODY, except for flipping Kim, even touches on the point that Kourtney isn’t married to Scott - so does that mean she’d never leave him because they have children together, or does she feel that she’s free to leave whenevs because they’re not married? No one is asking the hard-hitting questions here, Kardashians! Kim also says that Kourtney and Kris are very different, because Kourtney would stay in a relationship for 10 years, even if she was miserable. I can’t think of who she might be referring to...
Anyhoo, Kourtney has not let this stuff go for over 20 years, and now pregnancy hormones (and the Kris Jenner memoir) have brought it all bubbling back up to the surface. In a particularly telling Skype sesh, Kim and Khloe discuss Kourtney’s lingering bitterness - and in one confusing moment that is quickly glossed over, Khloe asks if that means she also judges Kim, because she got divorced...wait up, Khloe. The topic of conversation is wives who cheat...are we suggesting that Kim is also an adulteress because she’s canoodling off-screen with Kanye West, even though she and what’s his face are still in separation/divorce limbo? Again, everyone seems to be skimping on the real meat in this reality show sandwich!
Later on, Kourtney invites the whole fam over for lunch. She has a ridiculously hot, beefy personal chef, who Kris Jenner, of course, thinks is flirting with her. Kourtney then lays in to Kris for being “completely inappropriate”...however 1. She’s way off base, and is being a ridiculous prude, and 2. Earlier in this ep, Kourtney not-really-jokingly asked if her mom boned a contestant from “The Voice” in the bathroom at a Babyface concert, (BTW readers, if you’re under 21, there’s a tiny chance that’s how you were conceived).
But here’s a serious question that deserves a serious answer: why is Kourtney, an unwed mama-of-2-to-be, allowed to employ such hot, premium affair material as her personal chef, while rebuking her married mother for ever finding a man attractive? Ridiculously exploitive Kris Jenner of last week’s episode, you are almost forgiven. Kourtney is in flaming evil bitch mode, and she might not let you out of this week’s two part Kardashian Memorial Day extravaganza alive.
After Kris and Kourtney’s lunchtime showdown, Kourtney and Scott have a non-conversation about the day’s events. Scott says they never talk about personal things - because Kourtney likes to keep it all “in her head”. Truth-telling time: either Kourtney and Scott’s relationship chemistry remains carefully hidden off-screen, or...yeah. Honestly, Scott has more natural chemistry with everyone else on the show, including Bruce.
Kourtney's chat with Scott doesn't really resolve anything, and only serves to reaffirm the lingering issues in their own relationship, but after yet another sister-on-sister Skype sesh, Kourtney decides to seek some counseling from her shrink-on-call. We don’t know how this conversation goes however, because these are Kourtney’s private, innermost thoughts - just kidding! It’s all on-screen, of course. There are more tears and more BS about how Kourtney would “never do that to her children” RE: Kris Jenner’s affair. But later - a breakthough! Kourtney’s anger towards Kris also has something to do with her trust issues with Scott. Hokay! This isn’t really a plot arc you can wrap up in a neat little bow. Kourtney clearly has issues with both her mom and her baby daddy, and unlike Khloe, she’s way less likely to hug it out (but she eventually does anyways, for the sake of good tv). Maybe she’ll continue to let us press our ear to the door of her therapist’s office - but honestly, watching a grown woman work things out with her shrink on national TV makes me feel all kinds of dirty. Plus, I can’t help but judge people who seem so brutally un-self-aware.
In other news: Kim Kardashian is afraid of spiders, and she isn’t any less afraid of spiders when people throw them on her. Also, surprise! The Kardashian-Jenners don’t believe in spaying and neutering their pets, and one of the Baby Jenners is clearly under the impression that Bob Barker is no longer with us. There's about 15 minutes of filler involving a stolen Ferrari prank which is not really worth anyone's time. Also, Kim Kardashian thinks Indian food is disgusting. You heard me right.
Oh, and with a little sisterly lovin’ and encouragement, and a brief trial by fire, Kylie overcomes her inability to talk to pretty strangers. The day is saved! Or at least, three pages of content in a recent issue of Seventeen magazine. Now stay tuned, because the long holiday weekend dished up two helpings of those krazy Kardashians! Check out your second heaping helping of Kardashian drama on the next page.
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Rob Kardashian is back from Europe, and no one is happier than Scott. They exchange several manly cheek smooches before Kris exclaims “OK, it’s not the Godfather.” To which Scott replies, “Oh, it's so much more than that.” Now that he’s back stateside, Rob is once again on the hunt for a humble abode of his own, and everyone has opinions on where he should buy. But no one wants to help more than Bruce Jenner, per usual - because he’s into all that “being a Dad” stuff. Bruce is dying to go house-hunting with Rob. Rob isn’t feelin’ it, but they make a date anyways. Be warned: this is the last time you’ll have any sympathy for Rob for the remainder of the episode.
When it’s finally time to go a-house-hunting, Bruce is miffed that Kourtney crashes his Rob date. Rob clearly trusts his sister Kourtney’s opinion, because she’s smart with money. And he trusts his mother Kris’ advice, because she’s good at spending money. Bruce is a bit of a miser it seems, so his opinion doesn’t count. Bruce does drop some juicy numbers though - Rob’s budget is apparently 1.5 million dollars. Not too shabby for someone with a line of socks and a few famous siblings.
Rob doesn’t want Bruce’s help - when Bruce does a little research for him, and prints out some info, Rob won’t even take the papers from him. He can’t even front like he respects Bruce’s opinion - which btw, is the polite thing to do, Rob. Later, at yet another particularly awful Kardashian family dinner, Rob laments the fact that he doesn’t have a father to guide him through the house-hunting process, even though Bruce is jumping at every opportunity to offer him advice, and worst of all, is sitting right in front of him. It is straight up hurtful. Bruce looks like a blood vessel in his neck is about to burst, but he doesn’t say anything to Rob.
Kim is WIG shopping, because she wants to be a Bond girl. Also, because her divorce proceedings are stressing her out. Kim clearly isn’t legally allowed to say too much on her show, but she IS allowed to go on a fabulous wig shopping spree at what looks to be Hollywood’s most fabulous wig emporium! Kim then spends the rest of the episode popping up in random places, wearing different wigs, and affecting different accents. Here’s an in-depth outline of all of her wig-tastic exploits:
1. Kim bombards Rob at a bookstore, wearing a bottle blond wig and speaking like a true Southern Belle. Then comes the highlight of this season so far: Kim addresses Rob as “HONEY BOO BOO CHILD” (my favorite meme!), which is clearly something she thinks all Southern people say and which I think is kind of adorable. She picks up a few CDs for accents - tries to sell Rob on the whole wig thing - and most impressively, never breaks character. Rob does not want to go house-hunting with a blonde Southern Kim. He doesn’t get it.
2. Kim shows up at Kourtney’s house, skulking about in a red “Alias”-style wig, and scaring little Mason. “You look scary!” he cries. Or maybe “You look skinny!” Children are so hard to understand. Scott and Kourtney don’t understand what’s happening any better than Mason does. “This is making me uncomfortable.” announces Scott. Kourtney expresses concern to the viewers at home - “I hope that Kim’s looming divorce isn't getting to her head and making her go crazy.” Real sensitive, Kourtney.
3. Kris whizzes in to give Kim some papers to sign while she’s out on a job. She’s still wearing the red wig. Kris does not even notice.
4. Kim surprises Kylie and Kendall in a short black wig - at first I think she’s playing the stereotype of a Jewish Hollywood agent - but it turns out she’s playing her own mother. “I’m gonna get you ladies a record deal!” she exclaims. Kylie and Kendall don’t get it. They’re worried that people will think that Kim is losing her mind.
5. Kim spooks her Mom and her mom’s friends when she shows up in a chin length blong wig, pretending to be Britney Spears. Finally, she’s forced to account for her actions, and reassures everyone that she’s just trying to have fun.
Everyone in the Jenner-Kardashian clan is extremely freaked out by Kim’s wig-wearing tendencies, mainly because they have no imagination or sense of whimsy. Kim Kardashian, I will hang out and wear strange wigs with you any day. And I will not sell the photos for any less than $5K a pop, out of respect for you and your family.
Meanwhile, Kris is trying to put a music management company together with BABYFACE. Remember him? From the 1990s? This seems like not only a great way to drum up some juicy new plot points for next season, but also an opportunity to sink a nice chunk of Kardashian change. I can sort of guess where Kris and Babyface’s tastes might overlap, and I can also see where popular music tastes are on the map, but strangely, I can’t find any cross section between the two.
Kris spends a lot of time in this episode proving how crazy busy she is to everyone. She leaves the house early, she gets home late, and she freaks multiple people out with her outta control road rage. It’s time for an intervention. Kris is insanely busy 24/7, so the girls demand that she puts on some sweats and takes some time off. Kourtney even invites a couple of Kris’ orange friends over.
Kris misses approximately 300 emails during her little break, but surprisingly, everything works itself out because, oh yeah, Kris has several people under her employ who will take care of these things for her. So Kris learns a valuable lesson.
Also, Rob, who has been a huge douche throughout this entire episode, reconciles with Bruce after he has a little heart-to-heart with Kris. It turns out, Rob kind of forgot, you know, all of those things Bruce did for him throughout his entire childhood. You spend a few months in Europe, Rob, and you literally forget who you are.
Is that the take-home message of this weeks episode? Not at all - the most important thing we learn this week is that Kris Kardashian shops at Costco, and it is one of her favorite things in the world to do. #starstheyrejustlikeus #productplacement