This week, Sunday night with Keeping Up With the Kardashians was particularly trying. I first had to watch this horrible, horrible episode of KUWTK, and then I had to expend even more precious brain energy analyzing it. As if these people and their actions aren’t totally transparent. Kris Jenner’s emotional infancy has me seriously fuming this week. I apologize in advance for the liberal use of all caps, but seriously. ANGER. Thankfully there were enough attractive guest stars (and bottles of vodka) to get me through the night.
For starters…little Mason already knows what “show me your abs” means. GROAN.
Lance Bass was in the Kardashian-Jenner household for an all-too-brief luncheon with the K-J clan. He updated us on the status of Lou Pearlman, who, aside from being a short, fat, balding guy who managed and mismanaged the band, was once the 6th official member of N’SYNC, unbeknownst to all. And is now in jail. Khloe’s follow-up comment to this conversation: “Mom, I gotta say, you’re exactly Lou Pearlman,” was particularly priceless.
Meanwhile, in another corner of Calabasas, Scott and Rob were doing a little house-hunting together. We know from previous episodes that Rob’s budget is a million smackeroos. How can Rob afford a million dollar house, you ask? Spoiler alert: he can’t. Which begs the question, where does Rob Kardashian’s money come from, exactly? I’m guessing all the Kardashians received a sizeable inheritance from the late Papa Kardashian (which very well could’ve been used up long before Kim got naked on camera with Ray J.), and I know they get paid five digit sums per episode for…doing what they do in front of the cameras, but Rob doesn’t have a lot of endorsements. He occasionally makes a paid appearance or two, and he raked in some cash for “Dancing With The Stars”, but…I still don’t see how we get anywhere in the ballpark of one million. I’ve seen how these people live their lives – expensively.
And it turns out, his business manager agrees with me. She told Rob he should really have 20% to put down on a $1 million home – which is $200K, for those of you who suck at math. Cue montage of sister Kardashians totally hating all over Rob and his sad-ass life/lack of a job/general patheticness. Why can’t he get something reasonable, like a condo? Do “stars” not live in condos? JUST BUY A DAMN CONDO, ROB! People who are wealthy enough to own their own home in L.A. will not mob you right outside your door every morning, because they don’t care.
Once Rob’s home search rather abruptly came to a halt, he decided to move back in with Khloe and Lamar, much to Khloe’s chagrin. Apparently, Rob doesn’t pay any bills when he lives with Khloe. WTF, Rob. You’re a grown man – at least pay the electric bill or SOMETHING.
Meanwhile, Bruce has an old man crush on Angie Everhart, mostly because she’s a hot lady who plays golf and gives him the time of day. After running into each other at the course, they scheduled a little golf date, which of course enraged Kris, because we’re in desperate need of a plot arc for this episode. Bruce was so happy playing golf with Angie that he forgot to pick up Kris’ dry cleaning on the way home. Then, of course, the shizz hit the fan. Kris lost it over the dry cleaning, because she couldn’t just ‘fess up and tell him she didn’t want him golfing with a supermodel.
That’s all it took to convince Kris that Bruce was cheating on her with Angie Everhart. (I mean, men never forget to pick up your dry cleaning unless they’re cheating. It’s way more incriminating than lipstick on a collar.) She enlisted Kim to help her spy on them at the golf course, because everyone is a child in this episode. As Kim suspected, Bruce was simply spending time with another woman, whose company he greatly enjoys – granted she’s a supermodel, but all they did was golf. Even after this was proven, Kris still decided to use this as the ultimate excuse to hang out with her ex. Kris definitely wasn’t projecting her own faults on to Bruce so she could let herself off easy for sneaking off to see Todd, I mean, that’s not what’s happening AT ALL! Kris Jenner, please start seeing an analyst. I will start a Kickstarter fund – I feel that strongly about it.
Then the cinematographic GENIUSES behind KUWTK spliced footage of Kris and “Todd’s” sexy rooftop rendezvous with Bruce and Angie’s golf play date. It’s easy to see why Kris’ actions are pretty reprehensible, and Bruce’s are pretty tame. Kris and Todd’s encounter is rife with disgusting sexual tension. Also, let’s be honest: golf is basically the un-sexiest sport you can play. By a lot. Unless sweater vests are what really get you off.
So Todd is an attractive-enough douchebag, but his intentions were so effing obvious. When Kris asked Todd why he never married, he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. I was 95% sure it was “Because I’m gay,” but then Kris blurted out “How can you wait for someone for 23 years?” Answer: He wasn’t waiting for you Kris. He was waiting for a Kardashian-sized payday.
END SCENE. Oh wait, there was some Khloe-Rob sibling squabbling that took up a lot of the episode, but in the end, that was resolved, and Khloe took it upon herself to help Rob out by making him “pay” rent every month, which she would then save up and return to him when he was ready to leave the nest. You’re a good sister, Khloe Kardashian.
-People on this show who are emotionally still eleven years old: Rob, Kris, Scott (That’s right Kris, you’re the oldest broad on the show, and you’re sandwiched right between your 24-year-old son and your daughter’s baby daddy. Suck on that for a while.)
-People who I can actually stand: Khloe, Lamar, Bruce, Kylie, Kendall.
-People on this show who are just mature enough and just pretty enough to get a pass: Kim.
-People who are emotionally 60 years old (and fittingly cranky) yet surprisingly un-self aware: Kourtney. Now that we know where everyone stands…
Rob has a very enviable phonograph. And he owns records! I didn’t take him for a vinyl man.
Khloe’s damn in-home assistant has been living in loungewear all season, and it’s driving me CRAZY. Put on some real lady pants, pleeeeeease.
I love Lance Bass so much more now that he’s out and proud and no longer wearing puffy jackets.
Kim LOVES to spy. If she wasn’t so famous, she could totally be an undercover cop, or an FBI agent or something – we already know she’s very fond of wigs and fake accents. Though those curves would definitely be working against her, 24/7. Men never forget an ass like that.
I’m sure Angie Everhart just LOVES that she signed a waiver to be on this stupid show just so Kim Kardashian could call her “Fire Crotch” on national tv.
Does anyone watch the Kardashians bonus features on E!’s website? They can be very illuminating. If you want to see Khloe wince her way through one of those duck bus tours in Boston, or see the plot of land that belongs to his lordship Scott Disick, you should totes tune in.