Even though we’ve all been embroiled in a tumultuous love-hate relationship with the Kardashians since mid-May, the season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians still managed to sneak up on us. But it’s September and all your favorite shows are returning to the airwaves this week, so it’s time to say goodbye to fluffy summer filler. And that, of course, includes the entire Kardashian clan its shameless shenanigans factory.
This episode was nothing if not light and fluffy, except for a few minor family hiccups. Since no Kris Humphries-esque drama drove the season to its epic conclusion this year, it ended with the only shoe that needed to drop: Kourtney’s baby. FINALLY. Kourt’s pregnancy hormones have practically scripted the entire season, but after months of waiting, she finally pushed out baby Penelope on this episode. That’s right ladies, Operation Disick Drop is a GO.
If you thought the water birthing episode was traumatic, wait till you see Khloe Kardashian ripping her baby out of her own vagina. YES. That happens. On cable tv. And it is visceral. If you DV-Red it, be warned: you’ll never be able to UN-see this. It will be your lasting impression from entire season/series of KUWTK, and it will haunt you.
First, other things that happened in the season finale (single tear):
Refusing to be outshined by Kourt’s baby drama, Khloe moped around because her eggs weren’t dropping. “Who doesn’t produce eggs?” she lamented, weeping in a not-super-believable way. I hate to be unsympathetic, because I love me some Khloe, but as far as fertility troubles go, her problem seems pretty minor (for now). Your eggs aren’t dropping? You pump yourself with hormones, bada bing, bada boom, BABY. I understand that being the most visibly non-fertile one in a prolifically fertile family must be tough, but hang in there, Ko-Ko. We all know you’re saving it for next season’s finale.
Did Kris Jenner get a trademark on the term “momager?” YES. Yes she did.
Elsewhere, because no could stop saying the word “ovulating” in this episode, Kim began the process of freezing her eggs in order to ensure that future generations could enjoy “Keeping Up With The Kardashians: The Next Generation” in 30 years time. (At which point, I assume, Kris Jenner will still be calling the shots from the opulent comfort of a swanky Calabasas retirement home.) Kris’ advice was to get off birth control ASAP so that Kim’s body “can get back to its natural rhythm”…subtext: so Kanye West can impregnate her with his platinum seed. (Could they have danced around the notion of impending Kimye spawn any less gracefully? I mean at one point, Kanye West was actually forced to attend a baby shower, and hold an actual baby. Subtle, Kardashians, real subtle.)
In order to get the fertility party started, Kim had to give herself a shot. Of course, she chickened out and made dear ol’ momager do it for her. Antics ensued.
Then Kris forced a sentimental moment by pulling Scott aside and praising him for being a good father. She’s been heavily “Team Scott” for the last few episodes, but we haven’t forgotten about the time she told Kourt she could do better back at the mid-season mark. I doubt Scott will either.
In other news, Bruce desperately wanted to take the kiddos to the Olympic decathelon tryouts, but Kendall and Kylie weren’t having it. So Bruce traveled to Eugene, OR, or “track and field God’s country” as he described it, with his sons Brandon and Brody, who are old and mature enough to regard their father as a real person and not just a constant fountain of unsolicited advice. The Jenner boys could tell that Bruce was bummed that his baby Jenners hadn’t tagged along, so they gave Kylie and Kendall a-talkin’-to upon their return, and Kylie and Kendall were made to understand that yeah, once upon a time, Bruce Jenner was a big damn deal, and things like the Olympics are very important to him. So the girls decided to buy a matching pair of signed Bruce Jenner track jerseys online (which they of course wear as dresses) and pay their own way to the London games. MATURITY.
The last 20 minutes of this season finale were filmed with a shakey home video cam that made the Kardashians look like real people and not overly manicured reality TV stars. It was kind of refreshing. Lamar and Khloe came to terms with their baby-free status, and Kourt began the long ordeal that was Penelope Scotland Disick’s birthday. Afterwards, the family gathered together to celebrate baby Penelope, Mason met his little sis, and it was warm farewell fuzzies all around.
Ah, so many plot threads left forever unresolved – the promised Olympics drama, a plotline about Kim freezing her eggs that never offered any conclusive proof that she actually went through with it, a new job for Rob, a giant baby for Khloe – will any of this be resolved in the upcoming “Kourtney and Kim Take Miami?” Only time will tell…
So what did we learn from this season? Did the Kardashians forever ruin the Dominican Republic for you like they did for me? Did Scott and Kourt’s relationship mature, or has it just achieving a level of comfortable, quasi-antagonistic stasis? How soon until Kylie and Kendall get their own show? The over/under is 2 years. [Editor's note: I'd give it a year, tops.] Place your bets in the comments, Kardashian fans!