What happened on last night’s episode of Gossip Girl? Well, that’s a complicated question, since this was a particularly complicated episode, even in the context of this utterly silly, convoluted show (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, really). I had to watch the episode twice, not just so that I could write about it, but so that I could understand all the ensuing hijinks on a personal level.

We had multiple Serenas, a pre-coital declaration of love, dueling parties, Blair in a nightie, some sort of poison that works when held near the face and Jenny’s extensive practical knowledge of the workings of SIM cards. Oh, and Dan and Nate were reunited in eternal bromance at last. In that regard, the episode had at least one happy ending.

Apparently Serena hasn’t been able to pick between Dan or Nate since we left her last week, so Eric and Elliot made a very elaborate, extremely well-rendered Venn diagram to illustrate her choices and possibly make it easier for Serena to figure out her feelings. Bless those kids, they know her well – she can’t handle complex thoughts without a picture to look at. Sadly, she refused to cooperate.

Eric and Elliot didn’t even have much of an opportunity to convince her or distract her with a shiny object, though, because Lily came storming in after her morning gin and tonic to inform Serena that she had made the gossip pages yet again, this time as the Lusty Professor’s reason for fleeing Columbia. Surprise surprise, someone had leaked the story. I wonder who it could have been.

Lily also informed Serena that Dean Whatsherface had requested that they both appear in her office immediately to discuss the Page 6 item, because apparently parents are required to appear at college disciplinary hearings as long as they have significant fortunes with which to make problems disappear. At the meeting, Lily offered her requisite apology and endowment (which means GIANT donation to us regular humans) to facilitate the construction of a moat around the campus, but the dean turned down the check (that would never happen, deans are to fat checks as Superman is to Kryptonite) in favor of requesting that Serena withdraw from Columbia.

I barely had a moment to be outraged that a student would be asked to leave because of the inappropriate activity of a faculty member (can anyone say LAWSUIT? Lily certainly can.), because Lily was right there on my wavelength. As the HBIC of the Upper East Side, she informed Dean Whatsherface that it sure would be a shame if the Times got ahold of a story about Columbia punishing students for the sins of its professors. Or a story about the forced withdrawal of a 19-year-old girl with a bright future because a professor (granted, a professor with fantastic bone structure) so coldly took advantage of her. That Lily made that rant with a straight face was as amazing a feat of acting as anything I’ve ever seen on this show.

In Brooklyn, Serena was also the topic of conversation, as she tends to be on this show lately. Nate and Dan had experienced bromanceus interuptus as a result of Serena’s indecision, and when Nate showed up to confront Dan about his affections for Serena, the two got right to the heart of the issue and hugged it out. I had no problem believing that part of the scene since Dan and Sir Manbangs have the longest-running relationship in this entire series, but I balked at seeing Vanessa emerge from the depths of Dan’s loft. Dan loves Serena. Vanessa hates Serena. Dan knows that Vanessa tried to have Serena booted from Columbia last week. Why does no one remember that? And really, that questions goes for the rest of the episode, too.

While Nate and Dan were spooning in Brooklyn (they waited until Vanessa left to go to the co-op so that their love would remain a secret), Little Jenny Humphrey had descended from on high to make an appearance at Chateau Van Der Humphrey to perform this week’s act of questionable technological savvy. She stole the SIM card out of Serena’s phone in order to enable her to receive all of Serena’s calls and texts, which is questionable for the following reasons.

First of all, I don’t think Jenny would know how a SIM card works. The only people her age that do are people who have dropped their phones in toilets and had to put their SIMs in new phones so they wouldn’t lose their contacts, and how do you drop your phone in a toilet, you ask? You put it in your back pocket and it pops out when you pull your pants up. Jenny doesn’t wear pants. Ever. Secondly, Gossip Girl makes a big show of using Verizon phones (because Verizon pays them to), and Verizon phones generally don’t use SIM cards. Particularly not the crappy flip phones that they usually give Serena. So not only would Jenny not have the technical knowledge to pull off that switch, but I don’t think that the necessary phones would be present to make it possible. Yes, I worked at Best Buy in college, why do you ask?

While Jenny was in the apartment, she took the opportunity to put another facet of Team Brooklyn’s plan into motion. She tipped Lily off that Juliet was still out to get Serena, and Lily, for the second time in the episode, tried to solve the problem in the only way that she knows how: with her checkbook. She had Juliet over for tea and offered to write her second fat check of the morning to have Serena any further embarrassment at her hands. Unlike Dean Whatsherface, Juliet took the check. I hope it was big enough to buy her a new apartment. Juliet didn’t leave before planting the seeds of further embarrassment with Lily, however, this time about a supposed sexual relationship with a teacher from Serena’s days at boarding school. Cue the requisite mother-daughter blowup when Juliet tipped off Serena to her mom’s check-writing.

In other, thoroughly boring Serena dating news, Dan and Nate had decided to both invite Serena out for the evening before Chuck’s party (we’ll get to the party in a second), and they agreed that whoever she chose to see would be the one who got her forever, no further conversations or competitions. Since we all know that Dan and Nate only have eyes for each other, I’m not sure why we’re still pretending that they want to have sexytime with Serena, but whatever. I guess I’ll play along.

The problem with their invitations, of course, was that they were all going to Jenny because she had Serena’s SIM. Both guys were stood up, of course, and when they ran into each other while searching for Serena at the apartment, they realized what had happened (well, sort of) and gave Serena a midnight deadline to choose one of them, setting up a rather dramatic scene at Chuck’s masked ball. And on that note, I guess we can’t move on in the story without discussing Chuck and Blair, even though I hate intermingling their story with those of the rest of these plebes, but here goes nothing.

Chuck and Blair were still having sex in a friends-with-benefits type situation, except that we all know that they love each other way down in the only soft, pink spots left in their grizzled, ennui-filled hearts. The issue, of course, is that the people in both their lives think that they should stay separate. Chuck’s publicist thinks that Blair’s presence makes him less edgy and marketable, and Nate’s mom can’t turn over her charity to Blair if she’s associating with such a bad, bad boy. Neither of them follow instructions from others particularly well, though, so they got together to plan a “saints and sinners” (what is this, a sorority social?) party at the Empire later that night, one thing led to another, and SURPRISE. They had sex. And then the real surprise came – Chuck told Blair that he loved her, and she responded with something about Dior. Oops.

While all of that was going on, everyone else was getting ready for Chuck’s party, which would require masks for the second time in the series in order to facilitate mixups and hijinks. Team Brooklyn acquired two of the masks and dresses that Serena would be wearing to the ball that night, and then they set about dressing Juliet and Jenny up as fake Serenas. Never mind that the two of them don’t have nearly enough cleavage or bedhead to ever convincingly impersonate Serena to a men who have slept with her, but they both managed to get into the party, have their pictures taken kissing Nate and Dan (I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Jenny who kissed Dan because…eww.), and then orchestrate a Gossip Girl blast to show the guys that Serena had no intentions of ever picking between them. On the surface, that might seem like a nasty trick, but I’m not entirely sure it’s wasn’t just an accurate reflection of Serena’s continued inability to just make a decision already.

Meanwhile, Serena was at the door having her entrance to the party denied because she had already been marked off the list when Juliet showed up, and Blair and Chuck were up in the rafters of the ballroom, declaring their love to each other once again. For some reason, Blair was wearing a nightie. I’m still not entirely sure why, and no one else in the episode appeared to be sure either. While they were up there, one of the fake Serenas dropped the curtain on them to reveal to the entire party that they were back together, including Nate’s mom, who was in attendance with her giant pearl earrings. I thought that she was supposed to be at some sort of charity dinner, to which Blair was going to return after meeting with Chuck, but whatever. I don’t even know anymore. I can’t think about this many things at once. If I try to make sense of any of that, I’m pretty sure that it will make my eyes cross.

After Chuck and Blair came down from the rafters, Nate’s mom said something completely nonsensical about how your reflect on your man, but he doesn’t reflect on you (WTF does that even mean?) and told Blair that her services wouldn’t be needed at the women’s empowerment charity. I’m not sure why Nate’s mom required the services of a teenager anyway, but when Blair realized that she, not Chuck, would be the one making the sacrifices in the relationship, she decided that she couldn’t be his girlfriend after all. And he was so understanding and wonderful and awesome about the whole thing, and this is how we get into crappy relationships, ladies. In real life, the Chuck Basses of the world don’t turn into wonderful, understanding, patient men. They turn into older Chuck Basses, with just as many hookers as the younger versions.

Speaking of the crappy side of life, we still have to wrap up the little issue of Serena. After pleading her case to Nate and Dan and being rebuffed by both of them, she had to contend with Blair, who thought that she had tried to horn in on her spot with the charity (also the doing of Team Brooklyn). Blair didn’t believe her either, which makes me wonder, AGAIN, why no one remembers about the people from last week who were running around New York City, trying to ruin Serena’s life. Doesn’t that buy you the benefit of the doubt for at least a month before everyone you know decides that every crazy thing that happens must be your fault and yours alone?

Apparently not. To add insult to injury, Juliet managed to switch out Serena’s mask and poison her before she left the party, which left her woozy and on the verge of passing out. Once she was good and drugged, Juliet shoved her in a taxi, grabbed her phone and texted an “official withdrawal” to Dean Whatsherface. I’m pretty sure that you can’t actually withdraw from college with a text message in the wee hours of the morning, and I’m not sure why Serena would have the Dean’s cell number in the first place, but as with all aspects of Gossip Girl, the writers have asked us to suspend disbelief and buy into the alternate reality of the Upper East Side.

We won’t have a new episode next week, but when the show comes back, it looks like we’re in for a Serena shame-spiral of epic proportions. Juliet has stashed her in a random bedroom surrounded by booze and pills, and now that no one loves Serena, including her mother (apparently the dean got Juliet’s text message while at a late-night kegger or something and called Lily about it), I guess we’ll eventually find out why Juliet hates her so much. Was her brother the teacher she slept with at boarding school? I honestly have no clue. Give me your best theory in the comments.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • JJ

    Serena needs to make a decision already! That decision being leave both Nate and Dan alone and go find someone else fabulous. I’m not really interested in a Serena/Dan or Serena/Nate round 2 storyline.

    Thanks for another fantastic GG recap Amanda! I always enjoy reading them.

    • JJ

      Also, forgot to mention I have faith that the fantastic 4 (Serena, Blair, Nate and Chuck) will eventually reunite and issue a massive social destruction over Juliet, Vanessa and Jenny :D

  • olivia

    at least we know now why juliet’s brother is in jail. remember how juliet told colin that ben was excited about being a teacher. i bet he was the teacher at serena’s boarding school.

  • Sebastien

    I foresee a comeback of Queens Serena in the Spring, and a take down of epic proportions for Juliet and Vanessa. Hopefully they can ban Jenny Humphrey from the city by destroying her chances at Parsons and keeping her and her street mongrel fashion confined upstate. BTW I’m kind of disappointed with the lack of great fall couture this season it seems that the styling lost its flair after the first two episodes in Paris. By the way I’m such a huge fan of yours I recently just discovered your blog and I’m an addict, your recaps are just amazing and your take on handbags are divine.

    • So glad that you enjoy the blog! We love new readers, and particularly new readers who comment!

  • Julia

    I continue to watch this show week after week and wonder WTF?? I agree completely about the text message to the dean. I only had a few professor’s email address in college and that’s only because it was on the syllabus.
    I still love Chuck and Blair!
    Best part of this weeks episode was that Jenny’s make up was hidden behind a mask for a good part. And I’m confused… what did Serena do to Jenny and Vanessa? I’ve forgotten or I missed it.

    Another great recap! :)

    • As best I can tell, Jenny and Vanessa hate Serena because they’re jealous little twats who couldn’t deal with the fact that both of the men they wanted (Dan and Nate), wanted Serena instead.

      As if there are no other single men in the entirety of New York…

  • new-new

    I’m not gonna lie. I was totally rooting for team brooklyn. This episode made me kind of like Jenny.

    Serena, although pretty, can become a bit tiring after a few too many minutes of dialogue.

    • emmmmthraxxxx

      haha I’m just Team Jenny all the time and Serena’s gotten annoying with the mumbling and the not choosing and Blake Lively’s horrible, horrible hair (cause seriously, Blake is 40% hair and the rest is boobs and legs). So Team Jenny it is. Juliet needs to stop wearing so much beige and she’ll be badass too

  • ggbts

    I think Juliet’s brother- Ben – was the teacher Serena slept with at boarding school..maybe that’s why he’s in jail now.
    Hm, I think it was Juliet who kissed both Nate and Dan at the party..
    oh, and I think Nate’s mom was told (by Vanessa probably??) to go to chuck’s party

  • Rachel

    I have no idea how I found you Amanda but I am happy I did. You make me laugh out loud everyt ime I read your blog. Dan and Nate spooning, hilarious.

    I almost felt sorry for Serena because not one believed her but really why would they. You make a valid point that there are people out to get her but really when aren’t there people out to get her. She can not make a decision about who she should sleep with so it is believable that she would kiss both Dan and Nate. She seems to always be one uping Blair so it is believable that she applied for the charity. She did get banished from boarding school for some scandal so its believable that Lily would pay to keep that quite. Serena wants people to see her differently and see she has changed but as long as she is acting like a vapid silly girl that is all people will see her as. But I am sure Blair will realize Serena is in trouble and come to her rescue like always.

  • The Serena storyline is driving me absolutely batty. Can’t someone figure out what is going on!? I mean really?!

    But last night I fell so hard for Chuck. His moment with Blair was so raw and real. LOVED that part.

  • hannah

    First off, I was distracted the first 5 minutes of the show by Serena asking Eric and Elliott weren’t they going to Sara Beth’s. It made me salivate for their yummy goodness, has anyone else here at PB gone there?!

    After reading the comments, that makes SO much sense about homeboy in jail being the guy she slept with in boarding school! That mess was in the actual GG books!!

    Jenny is way too dumb to even know what a SIM card means, and her only redeeming factor is finally seeing a single shot of her without the ratty hair and gobs of eyeliner. She actually looked normal!!
    I also think Juliet kissed both Nate and Dan, and that Jenny just ran around aimlessly.

    I’ve also tried to figure out the whole Serena-pass-out situation, and the only thing I can think of is chloroform. The nurse in me knows that stuff only lasts a few minutes sitting there, and evaporates pretty quickly. So there’s no way that Juliet could’ve rubbed it on there (without passing out herslf from the fumes), then waited for Serena to not see her, place it there, have Serena talk and do crap, then pick ti up and put it on. Once you’re officially drugged it lasts 1-2 hrs, but the mask sitting there was a lot longer than two or three minutes and it would’ve been ineffective.
    But we all just live in GG pseudoreality anyways!

    • Rachel

      Yea I have to get the potato pancakes from Sara Beth’s every time I go to New York. Love it.

  • brandaholic

    I always look forward to your recaps! Love reading them. I find them more entertaining than the actual storyline.

    Chuck and Blair forever!

  • Juliet

    I never have (and after this episode, never will) like Vanessa or Jenny. Both of them are serious Upper East Side wannabes and it’s quite sickening the lengths they are going to just to destroy Serena (although it does make for good TV). Especially Jenny, she’s trash – the punk chic has been on the outs for a long time and so have raccoon eyes!

    • Riley

      I completely agree. I suppose there wouldn’t be a show if the two of them went and got other friends/lives though.

      I feel like we are back at season 1 with Vanessa popping in out of thin air for Dan and seeing his googling eyes for Serena, therefore rejected and having animosity towards Serena. Nate also can’t be with Blair because ultimately he longs for Serena…and now that she’s back that’s all he thinks about (hence Blair thinking Serena wants to steal the limelight from her with Foundation Whatever).

      For a second I thought Jenny went back to being normal and sane. I was happy about that but now she has proven to remain psycho (must be the hair extensions that she can’t maintain on a regular basis anymore by not being in Manhattan). I’m rooting for her destruction…wasn’t she sobbing about making everyone hate her at the end of last season?? Have none of these girls realized that when the Fantastic Four (nicely put, Amanda) come together in an act of unison, they will jointly destroy J and V’s reason for existence…something to look forward to!

  • CG

    As JJ stated; I cannot wait for the fantastic four to re-group and bring Juliet down. So, until then I will patiently look forward to your recaps Amanda.

    (P.S. I too don’t what link I click to find this blog; but I am sure glad I did.)

  • = =

    It’s actually Fantastic Three, since Nate does nothing but just standing there and drops an incomplete sentence here and there…

    So how did Juliet/Jenny pass for Serena to Nate and Dan? Serena is much taller, not to mention her boobs! Juliet and Jenny are both shorter and bonier, and their boobs are not nearly as impressive as Serena’s… You think boys would know that stuff (and they both kissed and slept with Serena, surely they would know the difference?)

    And who gave Nate’s mom and grounds to judge anyone and their boyfriends?? Her husband is a cocaine-addict version of Bernie Madoff who hit their son and fled the country! I’m surprised people are not giving her the cold shoulders (as they are doing with Mrs. Madoff). And didn’t Chuck help her financially, and she actually took the money? How hypocritical.

  • Kymmie

    I do not understand how Nate’s mom could be so small minded where Chuck was concerned when her own husband was a drug addicted criminal!

  • meesh

    Amanda, aside from your recaps being very witty and funny, I’m finding with this season that I HAVE to read them just to understand what the hell everyone was going on about in an episode.
    I’ve been convinced for ages that the characters all have a severe case of amnesia; it always surprises me and never ceases to amaze me how they can go merrily along not remembering who plotted against who, or who took who down from one week to the next.
    Or maybe the writers are just banking on the fact that we won’t remember…either way it’s all becoming very far-fetched, even for GG. It must be working though; I’m as hooked to it as ever!

  • jen

    This show is so full of contradictions, it is impossible to find any logic in the storylines. Since when do you get a couple of years of jail for sleeping with a student?? Obviously Serena must have thrown herself onto the poor guy back then, and obviously he couldn’t have been that much older, given he’s still looking like a Twentysomething in jail right now. Oh well. I don’t really care anyways, but I love Amandas recaps!

  • Jackie

    I don’t even bother trying to make sense of GG esp since I know your recaps will explain everything! I. LOVE! This show is beyond crazy. Ahh… gossip girl.

  • Noelle

    The only reason I watch this show is to see Blair take people down so it’s just depressing when team Brooklyn gets away with anything. Hopefully their victory this week will mean that Blair and chuck will completely destroy them next next week.

  • Sohini

    I think this show goes out of its way to see just how much crap we can believe. I mean come on… Nate’s mom judging someone else for their relationship choice, Dan & Nate not noticing Serena’s missing boobs, the whole think with Serena texting the dean of Columbia, I could go on and on. If it werent for Chuck & Blair and the awsome cloths, purses and shoes, I would never watch this show.

    • yeh-yeh

      I would actually like to add that not only did this episode lack in story-telling but in styling as well. I usually just melt in front of the screen for the fashion, but this time the props, outfits, accessories, and art direction (esp. at the saints & sinners party) just looked like a cheap high school project. Serena’s dress (tripled!!!) did not honour Carolina Herrera.

  • Anna

    I hope it was Juliet that kissed them both because it’d be awkward for Dan and Jenny if it wasn’t!

  • Elisabeth

    I actually really loved Serena’s dress XD

  • Fallon

    I think the whole season has been kinda lacking except for the Paris episodes. I also agree that the fashion has been kind of subpar compared to previous seasons. This whole Juliet, Ben, and now Vanessa storyline has dragged on long enough. We still don’t know exactly why Ben is in prison and half the season is over all ready. I’m sure we won’t have ultimate Fantastic Four takedown of Vanessa and Juliet, and Jenny until after the show returns from its Winter break. Which is an awful long time to make the viewers wait.

    Ps Why was Jenny so quick to join the Serena takedown? What did Serena do to Jenny, she was feuding with Blair. And didn’t Jenny say she didn’t want to come back to the island bc of the person she had to be to be there? Ugh this show.

  • cl

    come back GG! (ipad)

  • Tiffany

    Gossip Girl I miss you! (ipad)

  • Jelita78

    awesome recap there AMANDA!
    love your take on GG! (ipad)





  • Jen

    Hilary DOES have some awful hair. (ipad)

  • helen

    lol Chuck Bass getting his feet done. (ipad)

Psssst... Let's Get Purseonal