If you’re looking for a recap of the second round of The Silent Real Housewives of Atlanta vs. Andy Cohen, well, you’re SOL. The only entertaining thing that happened for the entire hour was that we accidentally found out that Dwight has had his Dwang surgically enhanced, and I almost turned off my TV and went to bed right then. I have seen enough of Dwight’s manparts this season. I don’t want to know their medical history.

And I should have, because when Real Housewives of Orange County came around, I didn’t even get the new housewife with the giant diamond and the unmoving face as I was promised by the approximately 4,839 commercials that I’ve seen for this foofaraw over the past month.

But despite that, and the despite the fact that most of these women qualify for the title of Worst Person in the World on a weekly basis, the recap must go on.

The worstiest of the worst is, obviously, Vicki. She hoots, she hollers, she makes a spectacle of herself, and she never stops talking or judging or click-clacking away on her laptop. Hot on Vicki’s heels of terribleness is Tamra, Vicki’s blond, evil Bobbsey Twin. In what was easily my favorite moment of the episode, we got to see Vicki hurl herself out of a plane at the advent of last night’s show, and I realized that I would find this series much more enjoyable if the only thing that happened was that Vicki did things that made her unhappy and uncomfortable. I would tune in every week, even if I wasn’t obligated to for my job.

Speaking of Tamra, her and her awful husband Simon are on the rocks, and he flipped out over her friend making a sexual comment about her. But I ask you, readers: if your Best Gay can’t make a teabagging joke, WHO CAN? I could almost understand his irritation if the person joking had been a straight guy that tends to flirt with her (since she is still his wife at the moment), but I think this particular friend prefers slightly more penis in his women. Tamra makes mention of financial difficulties in the family, and maybe that’s the reason for the couple’s trouble, but I think it just might be that seeing Tamra on TV made him realize what a shrewish swamp creature he married.

And then there’s Jeana, who seems just about as sad as she was last season, but now with less money. She’s always been my favorite of the OC housewives, and I was so happy when she left her craptastic husband, but she still appears to not be fully in control of her life (that, and her sons are dicks). Combine that with a lack of cash flow because of the real estate collapse, and Jeana doesn’t seem to be feeling too good about life right now. She might be putting her house on the market because of her financial situation, but we’ll likely learn more about that in coming episodes. In this one, she doesn’t get much of a story line.

One housewife that appears to be weathering the recession well enough is Lynn, but she may just be a little too spacey to really grasp it anyway. She’s the one that makes those cuffs that probably match really well with Ed Hardy t-shirts, and if those are selling for her, then hey! Congrats to her! I’m not going to throw her any shade, as Nene would say. Also, she has managed to make Housewife Detente with Tamra, who hated her last season as far as I can remember, so she’s officially part of the In Crowd.

Which leaves us, of course, with Gretchen. She’s managed to be one of the most polarizing figures in all of Housewifedom, and not without reason. The beyond-middle-aged cancer patient that she was engaged to last season has passed away amid rumblings that she was either cheating on him or that he paid her to take care of him in the first place, and to all of that, I say: WHO CARES? If she made the dude happy in whatever way in the last months of his life, why do we care so much? So what if it was an arrangement? Or if she moved on too quickly (and with Slade, who seems to staunchly believe that his one true calling is to have sex with housewives)? He sure seemed to like having her around and lavishing her with gifts, and if that’s what he wanted to do with his money and energy before he died, then Tamra & Co. should just shut their pie holes about it.

But Tamra never shuts her pie hole about anything, so when the girls all got together at a little dinner party that Lynn threw for jewelry line (and the producers had to have her throw it because she’s the only one on speaking terms with all other members of the group), things hit the fan. It was mostly a rehash of last season’s Reunion Battle Royale between Gretchen and Tamra over weird phone calls and nudie pictures. Or maybe the nudie pics weren’t out by then – who knows.

Tamra got all high and mighty about it, and like last season, it just came off as jealousy. Gretchen is younger, prettier, and not married to a jerk that no longer brings in the big bucks. And it’s not like Tamra should really be telling anyone that they’re exposing themselves too much to a public audience – haven’t we seen nearly every inch of her that there is to see on the show itself? Pot, kettle, black, etc.

Gretchen eventually told her to STFU, which seemed to completely SHOCK everyone else at the table, despite the fact that Tamra had been calling her a hooker, among other things, and insulting her dead fiance all evening. I’m not sure why telling someone to shut up is any more rude than those things, but these people live in an alternate reality, and it’s important to remember that before we try to parse their actions with reality in any significant way.

It was a good catfight and a dramatic start to the season, that’s for sure, but I think my favorite part of the whole dinner was when Jeana interrupted the yowling to ask if one of the others was going to finish her mac and cheese. Jeana? She’s a woman after my own heart.