Fugly

Correct me if I am wrong but typically a new designer wants to be noticed by their first bag in a good way. Why on Earth would anyone send out one of its first bags with a huge and hideous oversized B on the front? Welcome to the fug that is the Biba Patent B Clutch. A shade of brown that resembles and infants dirty diaper, this camel patent leather looks fug and the B metal detailing is even worse. Does Biba think they are so big they can do this? You have not proven yourself to be able to fling your initials everywhere, and now I can not even take you seriously. I just do not like this bag, not one bit. If your name starts with a B, at least the clutch will look personalized, but if you ask me the B merely stands for downright “BAD”. Via Neiman Marcus for $550.

If you are looking for me, find me hiding in a dark closet in the ends of the Earth behind my ex-beloved Fendi Spy. I should not be embarrassed to own a stunning Honey Spy, but now Fendi is just looking to be dragged into the open and stoned (with soft gummy bears or something, I am not that morbid). These bags are atrocious, the kind that makes you look and laugh out loud and then ponder what the hell is going on at the house of Fendi. This is not stylish, this is a mockery of handbags. The Fendi Large Sequin Spy Bag has silver/gold/brown paillettes and sequins spewed all over the front to resemble either Xerxes face or some sort of monstrous bell-tower dweller. The cluster mess just makes me cringe. If you buy this, people will be able to hear you click-clack-ringing from miles away. I am just at a loss of words. How about Fendi resigns. We are really just waiting for something decent, no more orange metallic fug or over sequin awful hideousness. Help us out please, stop anyone from buying this ghastly piece for an absurd price; Neiman Marcus for $4890.

My own rendition below!
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Friday fug is brought to you by Fendi today. Ferociously fugly in every sense of the word, this orange Zucchino-embossed mirror leather bag would stop traffic, cause a pile up, and make quite a few people wish they never saw this. This is the Fendi Forever Mirror Leather Bag, which will forever be fugly in our books. As if the orange mirror shine was not enough, there is gold hardware. I could find this bag on Canal Street with even the makers shunning it. Everything about it is totally a no go in our books, so please please, never buy it and don’t let anyone you care for carry it. Don’t go there at Bergdorf Goodman for $800.

Oh no they did not! The House of Fendi is king and queen of hit or miss. Not to mention the fact that many of the ‘hit’ bags are not even liked by all of the handbag lovers out there. So what is this atrocity. Fendi is all about the F’s and the F’s come together to make a fugly handbag. Slight colors of the rainbow, the awful F’s are strewn about as if we want to see them there. So Fendi, your Fendi B. Mix Large Tote is such a non-masterpiece and such a miss that I feel sorry for you. I am sorry that people must walk by your store and see this bag and know that your name is on it. I am sorry that people will laugh and point. I am sorry that people will walk into your store for about 5 seconds then leave after seeing an entire line of fugly bags. Yuck. So is this for you? Tell me no. Between the leather, cheap looking coated linen, and logo’s all over the place, I would definitely rather pass. Especially because this bag is not free, it costs money. Fugilicious via Saks for $1070.

Simply put, this handbag is cheap and heinous. You would figure that any designer attempted to integrate leopard print into a handbag would do it carefully and with conviction, knowing that an animal print bag is truly hit or miss. Michael Kors got lazy with this bag, and put a few minutes into designing this sloppily done Michael Kors Leopard Print Satchel. I am aware that leopard print is leopard print, but I assure you that there is such thing as a tastefully done print. Even worse, this is satin with patent leather trim. Satin? Are you kidding me? A shiny material paired with a shiny leather makes for a bag that hurts my eyes. The handles are also patent leather, but awfully braided in a way that your eyes must look at it but really wish they never did. And even worse, there are braided patent ties that are threaded through metal grommets on the sides. It is like he could not just finish with the handles, he had to finish it up with a sure fire miss. Not a nice way to start your Monday, but I promise to bring something good to look at later today. Via eLuxury for $348.

Recently I have been learning that purple hues are great on a blond haired blue eyed gal like me, just not on the eyes no matter what any magazine says. But is a plum metallic bag a good idea on me? Marc, it is like you start to do better and then it all goes downhill again.

Take this Marc Jacobs Mariah Metallic Bag which introduces undeniably tacky to unfortunately ornate in a sick sort of way. There is plum metallic leather along with really gold chain link handles and hardware. Not brushed gold, shiny nasty gold. To give this bag a little boost, I must admit that I have not seen it in person so it may be a tad better, but I highly doubt it. I’m trying hard to like it, but this bag is the equivalent of metallic purple shadow on my eyes (with with my sometimes darker circles would amount to a train wreck).

Yikes at Net A Porter for $1575.
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The studinator is in da house. You think you are cool, WRONG. You are not cool unless you rock out the studs. It is totally ‘in’ to be totally punk rocker. We have been seeing studs thrown about here and there, but only one other time like this. Upon first glance, I ‘knew’ who the designer of this bag was. But I was totally wrong. This is not a Marc Jacobs studded bag, this is the Mulberry Studded Hobo Bag which gives a new meaning to stud detailing. I get it, I get that studs are so BAMF (BAMF is the new cool kid acronym, I am sure you can figure it out ). But this studding is scary if you ask me. The tassel on the side, which hangs down incredibly low and stands out incredibly much, is lined with chunky gold studs. Literally, the tassel looks like a war weapon the Spartans would use. I would not mind seeing a Spartan, in his Spartan attire, carrying the tassel, but other than that, it is really just scary. The materials are all right, cream patent leather, gold hardware, suede lining, but the overall product is all wrong. Good luck getting through a security check point with this sucker. I am tagging this bag a fug bag, but it is not necessarily fugly, it is downright scary. Studs gone wrong via NAP for $1595.

I really am attempting to keep my cool when my eyes had the unfortunate encounter of finding this fug bag. Between the shoddy mesh and the over sized gaudy Fendi logo down the front middle, I can feel my fashion sensible eyes burn a little when being faced with the Fendi Mesh Satchel. Is there a reason anyone would want this bag? You may argue that for the beach it will be sufficient, but I assure you this is not the case. Fendi meant for this handbag to be taken seriously, not taken to the beach, and even if you are a Fendi lover I highly doubt you can justify taking this bag anywhere (let alone the beach). So to keep from really making the people behind Fendi from feeling that I do not like them one iota, I will stop this post here. Because I could go on, and it could get ugly. Laugh at the bag, laugh at the price, and laugh at the fool who falls for it.

Via Bergdorf Goodman for $1580.

P.S. Do you love how I made the pictures of the bag ultra-tiny? It was to spare your eyes from a picture that got any larger and could further your view of the bag anymore! See, I am looking out for you all

Yet another incarnation of that Fendi B, this Fendi Leopard B bag looks a bit more leprous than leopard to me. The shape of the bag is kind of weird and evocative of a cyclops to begin with, but that doesn’t bother me as much as the hideous execution of leopard print. If this bag actually came from a leopard, it would’ve been a leopard that had spent its life rolling around in a combination of mud and its own ignoble feces. Honestly, why so dark and dirty with the leopard print? Leopard is supposed to be vibrant. Instead, the spots all over the bag look strangely, as I said, leprous and hideous. And then the worst part is that the buckle is also leopard but in a different color! Lighter as if to accentuate the strange diseased poopiness of the rest of the bag, like gleaming scar tissue! This bag is just all wrong in a way that kind of makes my skin crawl. If you want leopard, try a cheerier option, I beg you. If, for whatever reason you cannot resist this mess, the bag is available at net-a-porter for $1,040. Just be careful, as it might infect you.

I still love getting an Easter basket, even at my age. Luckily I will be home for Easter this year and you better believe I expect a basket. Even better is because of my food allergies, the Easter Bunny brings me designer clothing along with some special candy just for me. Yup! So if my funds were unlimited and I was living a life of extreme luxury, I would ask the Bunny to replace my old wicker basket with the Fendi Zucca Print Palazzo Bucket Bag. Looks like an Easter basket with a Zucca-print canvas. I’m not even big on the logo pattern, but sure, why not. There is gold-tone hardware and studs, a cute spring twister shoulder strap, and a drawstring top. This means that when I am doing my Easter egg hunt I can store the eggs safely with the safe drawstring top. Buy your new Easter basket via Bergdorf Goodman for $1150.

*If you know me, you realize this post was super sarcastic.