Against all odds (and in diametric opposition to the last few episodes), last night’s Real Housewives of Orange County was actually pretty entertaining. It’s funny what happens to Housewives when you move them to a second location – suddenly they’re energetic and hilarious, even if they’re objectively neither back home. The nominal reason for the trip was Tamra’s bachelorette party, but because Vicki was invited, the actual reason for the trip was so Vicki could woo-hoo her way through the men of Puerto Vallarta. (It was not her first time at that rodeo, as she made sure to mention frequently.) We only saw the beginning of the debauchery last night, but for the first time in a while, I’m actually looking forward to what comes next.
1. I love some good reality TV handbag ogling. Heather’s Prada Saffiano Lux Tote and Louis Vuitton Miroir Speedy were great, as was Lydia’s sparkly Louis Vuitton Speedy. Also, if Lydia can get Tamra and Alexis to have a civil conversation, then she might be the second coming of Jesus himself, or at least a celestial step above Andy Cohen. (Those two thoughts are not necessarily related, but the Speedy was present when Lydia proposed detente, so in my head, the bag and the truce go together.)
2. Gretchen is right: Tamra would probably be confused by an art gallery. I would be so mad if any of my friends ever got me male strippers for the imaginary future bachelorette that’s happening in my mind, but Tamra’s the kind of broad who needs an oiled-up dude to wag a giant dong in her face to feel like she’s had The Bachelorette Experience. A night in an art gallery and a lovely garden would be a beautiful evening befitting of grown women, but since when has anything that could be described that way ever been embraced by Tamra? Except perhaps the cheese plate that she assembled for Lydia, which is the exception that proves the rule.
3. The women think that Tamra won’t guess they’re taking her to Mexico. Since when have the Orange County women done any kind of cold-weather activity? I don’t think any of these women own shirts with sleeves, let alone appropriate clothing for “cold weather” destinations. Except for fur coats, of course. They have fur coats because they are classy ladies and the best way to telegraph that to their adoring public is to wear a fur coat in warm weather.
4. Might Tamra be experiencing actual growth as a human being? I don’t know how Tamra found the therapist that she’s apparently going to or who it is, but she needs to handcuff herself to this magical person forever because she’s starting to sound like a grownup on the regular. She had a positive, seemingly genuine conversation with Alexis and only one babysitter and no fighting!
5. Vicki: alleged to cheat with ladies, toothless foreigners. Lauri is just a fascinating font of information, isn’t she? I don’t know that I believe all of the weird details that she included in the tales of Vicki’s wandering eye, but considering how needy Vicki is of romantic attention on the show, I can only imagine that she’s about 100 times worse in private. And hey, if you need to fill that emotional hole within yourself with dentally challenged Greek men…no, on second thought, that’s not something I can advise in any scenario. At least cheat with a dude who has most of his teeth.
6. There is a difference between a “donkey show” and a “donkey ride.” I’m not going to explain the difference, and I’d very much advise you NOT to Google it, especially not at work, but there’s a difference. It’s significant.
7. Our lovely ladies are bored by nice restaurants. Gretchen was scared of Tamra’s shrimp cocktail because she once had a bad shrimp elsewhere and now she’s scarred for life. Tamra made fun of pork jowl on the menu, when in reality, pork jowl is delicious. (Fette Sau in Brooklyn. Thank me later.) Vicki wouldn’t shut up about wanting to go party, because everything is all about Vicki, always. Heather sat quietly and ate her food, which looked delicious. (Can someone bring me a salad with that much goat cheese on it, please?)
8. Vicki, Tamra and Lydia waited until Gretchen and Heather weren’t looking and then ran off to the bars. I’m not sure exactly how it happened because my attention had wandered from listening to everyone pout about going to Real Adult Dinner, but suddenly Vicki, flanked by Tamra and Lydia, was tearing down a cobblestone street in wedges, somehow using her giant breasts as a counterweight to prevent herself from toppling over. Gretchen and Heather were in a limo, presumably outside of the restaurant that everyone hated, waiting to be told where to go. Good luck with that, ladies. Vicki just pulled off a flawless Irish exit, and she’s had decades to perfect it.
9. Wait, why was Tamra having a bachelorette party? This didn’t occur to me until my second time through the episode, but weren’t we recently discussing how Tamra and Eddie have yet to even set a date? Aren’t these types of parties usually planned for a couple weeks before the wedding itself? bra
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