In this, the third episode of this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, things kicked into full gear. Bravo teased us by promising to make everyone talk about whether or not Kyle’s husband is cheating on her (which is still undetermined, at least as far as the show’s plot goes), but for me, newcomer Carlton proved the most interesting of the attention-vacuums. She has a confessional in her home, but don’t ask her about Catholicism when she invites you over. She’s a witch, but don’t ask her about being a witch. Carlton thinks you are all very rude, even if she hasn’t met you yet. Except Brandi. Carlton loves Brandi, probably because Brandi is pretty and that’s the most important thing about a person. I don’t even care about Kyle and her slimy husband when the alternative is listening to Carlton talk herself in circles about nonsense.
1. I have never lounged in lingerie with my ladyfriends. And I definitely don’t take off my lingerie and take a bath in front of them. I am clearly not cut out for reality TV stardom.
2. Joyce can crown people “Queen of the Universe.” Because she decided that she can! The level of self-regard required to wake up one morning and decide that you are qualified to appoint someone Queen of the Universe must be astounding. Also, what about all the alien women who haven’t been considered for this title? They live in the universe. Some of them might be hot. This all sounds really subjective and maybe even discriminatory. Against aliens.
3. No uggos for Carlton. Her nanny is hot because she only wants her son to be around hot women. There is absolutely no chance of that parenting attitude turning a little boy into an absolute woman-hating nightmare when he grows up. Not at all. Perish the thought. Also, Carlton also doesn’t like to be around average-looking chicks herself, because never forget, ladies: the way you look is what makes you a good or bad person.
4. Yolanda’s blonde looks good this season. Her hair was a little touch-and-go sometimes last year, but I’d imagine that seeing yourself from all angles on camera will get that kind of thing fixed up real quick when you have resources like Yolanda’s.
5. Brandi’s boyfriend didn’t seem all that bummed about getting dumped on camera. I’m not entirely convinced he was her boyfriend to begin with. “Ambitious real estate agent with benefits” sounds more likely.
6. Lisa got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. Speaking of people who didn’t seem all that bummed.
7. Among the things that Carlton thinks is inappropriate: asking if she’s Catholic. Sure, decorate your entire cathedral of a house in religious iconography (complete with an actual confessional) and layer yourself in crosses, but how dare anyone ask if your aesthetic was inspired by a Catholic upbringing? How offensive that anyone intimate you might have a thought or two about the Pope rolling around in your head.
8. Also offensive to Carlton: asking if she’s a witch. I mean, she is a witch. But don’t ask her about that.
9. Not offensive: calling Carlton a c-u-next-tuesday. Well.
10. Joyce doth protest too much. Her man is the best lover ever! Her man is so big! Her man is perfect! The more she brags, the more convinced I become that he has someone chained up in a basement sex dungeon or something.
11. It’s women’s own fault that we aren’t in charge of things. Carlton solved feminism, everybody! It’s not systematic discrimination or structural sexism or internalized misogyny or anything! It’s just us, being inferior and dumb and catty.
12. Is Mauricio cheating? Maybe? Probably? Aren’t most of the the cast members’ husbands cheating, if Real Housewives history has taught us anything? Whatever the actual answer is, bringing it up in front of the whole group at what was supposed to be a rather innocuous lunch seemed a tad cruel, even to someone like me who can’t stand Kyle most of the time. It’s the type of thing that’s going to get shouted about at a party eventually, of course, but reality TV etiquette at least requires you to whisper about it with feigned discretion for a couple of episodes first.
Episode handbag count: Two Hermes Birkins, one Chanel 2.55 Reissue Bag, two Stella McCartney Falabella bags, one Sophie Hulme Envelope Clutch and one Reed Krakoff Boxer Tote.