You guys, I’m a little disappointed in last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, even though it was fairly entertaining. I really wanted to see some part of the bar brawl that lead to the lawsuit that’s currently pending against Teresa, but Bravo pretended like it didn’t happen at all and just showed them eating hibachi instead.

I know that Bravo probably couldn’t show the footage because of the ongoing legal drama, but I was hopeful that they’d be as tasteless as ever and do it anyway. My hopes were dashed, so let’s talk about what actually did happen instead. Because, I mean, we have to talk about something.

We started back where we left off, in the aftermath of Kathy and Teresa’s beachside fight about nothing. Kathy looked like something awful had just happened right in front of her, Jacqueline and her husband lamented the state of the cast (and then took an inexplicable piggyback ride wherein Chris grabbed her boobs) and Juicy Joe searched everywhere for his glasses because they were totally like $200, dude. (Just wait until he hears about the $25,000 glasses on tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. He’s gonna be so jealous!) Teresa, for her part, changed into a completely different stripper outfit and twirled for everyone to see, apparently forgetting that she had just gotten in a serious argument with her cousin.

The Manzo kids, thankfully, saw the hilarity in all of this and tried to track the Giudices by thinking like them, and in doing so, they figured out exactly where they were. Juicy was rubbing his face with his swim trunks, and when he saw them lurking around outside, he helped them spy on Teresa while she pooped. I wish I were making that up, or that it were a joke of some kind, but it happened. At this point, making jokes about the Giudices doesn’t even making any sense, because they’ll always top me with whatever they actually end up doing or saying.

With that in mind, this is a thing that also happened: Nonjuicy and Juicy finally (almost) did what we all thought they should do to settle their differences all along by unzipping their pants and threatening to whip it out and measure it. (Just do it, dudes. Not on camera, though. Please not on camera. Do it at home, measure it, find out whose is bigger and move the hell on.) Back at the hotel, Caroline continued to protest the stupidity happening around her by staying in bed to nurse an idiocy migraine. That’s sorta similar to a tension headache, right?

And then, suddenly, Nonjuicy popped out of a bathroom, completely naked, while trying to hump his wife (who didn’t seem to be a willing participant in any of this) and I went completely blind for a few moments. Even though his bits and pieces were blurred, the image was still like a spike to my unsuspecting and unprotected frontal lobe, and all I saw was a white light. I might have seen the face of Satan himself. It certainly wasn’t the face of God. That’s for sure.

Once Nonjuicy put his clothes on, the boys went out to the golf course so that Juicy could demonstrate to all of us that being so ‘roided up that you can’t put your arms down makes it really difficult to hit a golf ball effectively. The rest of his golf buddies weren’t any more skilled, which gave Juicy an opportunity to complain about the “poison” that was inside his body because Teresa hadn’t had sex with him that morning and that was some kind of crime against humanity. Their kids are going to need years of therapy, you guys. YEARS.

Meanwhile, the girls (plus Roommate Greg, natch) went to a traditional Dominican market and proceded to be the Ugly Americans that we all knew they were by snickering at the local foodstuffs and the relative poverty only a short distance from their shiny, fancy resort. You guys, there were, like, roosters. Just…roosters! Hanging out. And headless chickens for sale! (Wouldn’t it have been more traumatizing if they had still had their heads attached?) And speaking of heads, cow heads! And maybe a pig head. Lots of head issues, really. But that didn’t stop Teresa from buying some sauces and spices, with which she never did a damn thing. Teresa is just emotionally compelled to spend money when she leaves the house. It’s compulsive.

Everyone reconvened for dinner (hibachi, naturally, because hibachi is the first thing you think of when you think of Dominican food), and the Manzo clan had decided to hold a trivia contest to name the Punta Princess. Mostly I was distracted by how often they said “punta,” which sounds a lot like the Spanish word for “whore,” the irony of which I couldn’t resist. While I was busy giggling like a 12-year-old while they called each other Whore Princesses, the Housewives proved what we all probably assumed: none of them can name the vice president, even with time to think about their answer. Melissa eventually named the previous vice president, an answer for which she was praised.

The next thing we knew, it was time for Melissa to prepare for her first live performance, during which I spent the first few minutes trying to figure out if they had all come back from the DR yet or not. Did I get distracted by something shiny during their 15-second flight home? What happened? Anyway, they were back and the Manzo brothers were throwing a launch event for a brand of bottled water they’re promoting (Side note: is BLK water actually black inside the bottle? Why am I so unclear on everything tonight?), at which Melissa would have her premiere public performance.

Before we knew it, the party was set to start. While the likes of Ashley milled around outside, Melissa was backstage in her leather pants and chain-supported bra top, praying to Jesus and her daddy to prevent her from making an utter fool of herself in front of everyone. It seemed to me that if Jesus was really concerned with making sure Melissa didn’t make a fool of herself, he would have already prevented her from becoming a Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member with a second-rate single to push, but hey, that’s just my theory.

And actually, I’ve seen much more terrible things in my life. Sure, it wasn’t great, but it was a hell of a lot better from whatever it is that LuAnn keeps insisting on doing in public, and, I mean, have you heard Gretchen’s single? If you haven’t…don’t. Pretend I didn’t say that. No other Housewives song will ever be “Tardy for the Party,” but in the grand scheme of Housewifery, it could have been so, so much worse. Mostly because she lip-synced the entire thing, which gave her plenty of opportunity not to bomb while she danced around like Britney used to before she went nuts and shaved her head and hit that car with an umbrella.

In fact, the thing that upset me most about this entire show was the commercial that aired during this part of the episode for the surely awful Footloose remake that Hollywood insists on foisting upon us without our consent. Is it too late to shelve that entire project and pretend like they never shot it? Because that would be preferable to making me misidentify it as the original on late-night cable menus for the rest of my life. How disappointing is that going to be in 15 years? “Look, Footloose is on!! Do you remember that movie? Let’s watch it. Oh. Wait. That’s not Kevin Bacon. I don’t think this is the right one. Eww, it’s the remake. Whatever, let’s just go to bed.”

Anyway, back to the episode. It was basically over, except that we were forced to watch Teresa and Kathy “make amends,” a truce which will surely last all of a week, until the season finale comes about. Or at the most, two weeks until the reunion rolls into town to make them all fight over the same issues all over again. We’ve almost made it to the end of the season, you guys. We’ve can do this. Only one more week.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Lottied

    “And then, suddenly, Nonjuicy popped out of a bathroom, completely naked, while trying to hump his wife (who didn’t seem to be a willing participant in any of this) and I went completely blind for a few moments. Even though his bits and pieces were blurred, the image was still like a spike to my unsuspecting and unprotected frontal lobe, and all I saw was a white light. I might have seen the face of Satan himself. It certainly wasn’t the face of God. That’s for sure.” this is classic and I will be giggling to myself about this statement for the remainder of this month. As always; I LOVE your recaps!!!!

  • Karen

    LOVE your recaps!!! Did you hear that line as the gang was leaving the hotel? I think it was Caroline’s husband said it! lolol!

    “Being in hell without you guys would be a vacation”

    • Purse Mommy

      I heard it and it was hilarious

  • fallonlatrece

    I thought these last two episode were a big disappointment. Did anything happen on this trip, because from the look of it they were only there for 2-3 days? They must have edited out alot because of the fight. I’m tired of all these ladies and glad next week is the season finale. This season was pretty boring.

    And why couldn’t they show the fight? If the can show Russel on RHOBH then they surely should be able to show a bar fight.

  • Ruthie

    Amanda, according to the “FranklinLakesPatch” site, apparently the water IS black!…

    “…blk., or black water as it was called when Albie and his uncle Chris Laurita discovered it last year at the food show in New York, is Canadian spring water infused with fulvic acid, a natural nutrient-rich compound that has been used in alternative healing circles for centuries.

    The beverage’s black color comes from a chemical reaction between the water and fulvic acid, and is part of the drink’s allure.

    ‘The color is what gets people listening in the first place,’ Albie said.

    The health and energy boosting benefits, however, is what keeps people drinking it. He said it leaves him feeling refreshed, like he’d gotten a solid eight-hours night’s sleep. ”

    Now we BOTH know!! …blech

    • chloebagfreak

      EWE!!! Thanks for answering that question. Black Water??? How NOT appetizing.

      • FR

        BLK Water….. how am I suppose 2 see if I back-wash?? Can someone answer this for me?!?!

  • mochababe73

    Teresa is not the only one named in the lawsuit. Caroline’s boys are also listed as well. Seems like it was the brawl to end it all.
    Now, Jacqueline is having a Twitter war with herself because Teresa is not responding to her allegations. It’s just a big, hot mess. Then she didn’t show up to the reunion. Then she did. Now she doesn’t want to do the show. She called Teresa scum. To top it all, she wants to give dirty on Teresa. Jacq is doing the exact same thing that Ashley did with Danielle. No wonder Ashley is like she is. I no longer have sympathy for her.
    I haven’t watched this episode because I REFUSE to look at Melissa “perform”. Maybe I’ll watch it later this week.
    I hope that your “blindness” is cured by the next episode. That one looks like a doozy (saw the previews on Bravo).

    • Purse Mommy

      What Brawl?

  • Mimi

    To me, all of the “singing” housewives sound like cats at the bottom of a well.

  • Manuela

    I’m still sticking by RHOBH (even if usually by rerun) but I’m so done with New Jersey. I’m just checking in for your recaps, Amanda!

    @Mochababe…I dunno; I’m reserving judgement on the whole Jacqeline/Theresa blowup for now but I’m leaning in the direction of Jacqueline. Remember that J has always defended her friends even when it made her unpopular or reviled (Danielle at Dinner from Hell, first season) and I’ll never forget her “shut the f*** up” to Kim G. earlier this season over Teresa & Joe’s financial issues. Then J. stuck her head in a magazine and waited for the cameras to go away; you gotta know Bravo must’ve been pissed about her refusing to bring the drama that time! I never admired J. more than at that moment.

    I’m thinking that Teresa confided in J. that she was setting Melissa up and expected J. to get all ‘mean girl’ with her, and J. could no longer ignore that Teresa is really just a smarmy, nasty little woman and not a real friend (or SIL). As the details come out maybe I’ll be proven wrong on this.

    • mochababe73

      Personally, I don’t think Teresa is smart enough to pull this off. Besides, who knows what Bravo found out about Melissa and set this up themselves. I remember one housewife saying that we only see about 5% of what really happens. I don’t think that we’ll ever know what the real deal is.
      For me, Jacqueline is just too wishy-washy. You clearly know what side Caroline is on and what side Teresa is on no matter how misguided. She just rides the fence too much. Maybe this is why her daughter was able to manipulate their relationship.
      Jersey, even with Danielle, used to be fun which is why I liked them. Now, is just a boiling, hot mess. I can’t wait until this season is over.

      • audeen

        Amanda’s RH recaps are always dead on and absolutely entertaining (more than the actual shows themselves). Sorry you have to watch all that stupidity to provide us with anticipated humor, but I’d like to thank you for taking one for the team! It has saved me from watching that now ridiculous Bravo franchise for several weeks now. Thanks again!

  • Linda

    I agree, the recaps are better than the shows. This NJ group defines crude.

  • ottercat

    Did you see Melissa carrying the a LV green graffiti clutch? I thought they only did the Never Full and the Speedy. Could this be a FAKE????

  • yeah

    You got it wrong. Non juicy was the one with the poison filled inside him because of the earlier scene where Melissa was not a willing participant. Duh.

    • Alena

      I agree, this is his (Non-Juicy’s) trademark definition of unreleased testosterone, “poison”.

  • Ellz

    Am I the only one who thinks Chris Manzo is getting better looking with age?

Want PurseBlog's Email Newsletter?