On Screen

Where were the fireworks last night? Where was the drama? Was it hiding in new housewife Alexis’s cleavage? Was her creepy, weak-chinned husband keeping it from the watchful eyes of the Real Housewives of Orange County viewership?

Wherever it is, we didn’t see much of it. Tamra copped to having jealousy issues, all of the housewives tried on lingerie without punching each other in the face, Gretchen got up on a pole but managed to stay clothed, and Jeana exited the show with little fanfare and a dinner where both of her sons managed to not be total douchebags.

Where was the wig-pulling? The bad, auto-tuned dance songs? The glasses of white wine with straws in them? Oh yeah, wrong housewives. Darn. I kind of miss those other ones.

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Back when I wrote about the fantastical, confusing, reptilian shoes that Alexander McQueen showed for his brilliant Spring 2010 runway show, I remember thinking that the only person that I could see actually trying to wear the shoes in any serious way was Lady Gaga. Apparently I can predict the future, so if any of you would like to know if you should dump your current boyfriend, you know who to ask.

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Excuse me for a moment.

ZOMG LADY GAGA was on Gossip Girl last night it was so much awesome in one hour that I thought my face was going to melt off or something humans are not meant to endure all that fabulousness at one time it ought to be illegal and the episode was called The Last Days of Disco Stick and it was sooooo greatttttt aksdno;SJDNF!!!!!

Ahem. Thank you. I’ve composed myself now that that’s out of my system.

I worship at the altar of Lady Gaga, so you could say that I was pleased that she showed up on Gossip Girl last night. She presided over an episode of love triangles and badly made, drunken sexual decisions, which I think she would thoroughly approve of, based on the lyrical content of her music.

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Once again, for the second time in as many recaps, I got a healthy dose of perspective from my weekend house guest while watching the penultimate episode of this season of Project Runway. After about twenty minutes, he looked at me and asked, “Is this as entertaining as it should be?”

My answer? No, no it’s not. Nor has it been all season. And yet it’s still going on like anyone, anyone at all, actually cares about it. Not only that, but it’s not even done after this episode. Project Runway’s long, painful death march shall continue for another week. I feel like they should just cut out the audio and play Wagner funeral dirges for the entirety of the finale.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to recap because more or less nothing happened, yet onward we march. Someone strike up the band.

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Did last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County have a theme? I mean, a theme besides “ZOMG PLASTIC SURGERY AND FAKE TANNING” because that’s more or less what all the episodes are about, right?

I don’t think it did, but then again, I shouldn’t be looking for narrative structure in the Real Housewives franchise anyway, I suppose. What I did get out of last night’s episode was a stark reminder of how objectively awful this show is. I have a house guest for the weekend that flew in last night and was forced to watch with me, and he had no context for the show and had never seen it before.

Normally I watch my Thursday night guilty pleasures all by myself, sometimes with a pizza and some beer, but never with a buddy, because I don’t know anyone with the intestinal fortitude to withstand this crap. But he didn’t have a choice, and as things wore on and we saw Slade’s junk covered with only a sock, a teenager at a nose job consultation, and Vicki & Co. acting like the quintessential Ugly Americans in Italy, he asked me if I actually liked the show. All I could think of to say was, well, they give me a lot of material.

And then I’m pretty sure he judged me. Right there in my own apartment.

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Is it bad that on last night’s Gossip Girl, I found the TI cover song that was playing during the much-hyped threesome more entertaining than the threesome itself? I mean, seriously, who know that “Whatever You Like” was so downright melodious?

If the Gossip Girl writers were going to promote a dirty, nasty, parent-horrifying threesome as the point of this entire episode, it needed to be a lot more than a fairly minor point at the end of the episode’s B plot. Who knew that Jenny was going to cotillion? And who knew that girls going to cotillion don’t wear white anymore? I mean…there used to be a white dress involved in that or something, right? Did I make that up? I might have made that up.

And I’d also ask who would have thought that Serena would come even closer to being involved with a married man, but, well, I think we all saw that one coming.

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If you want to continue to watch the rest of this dismal season that is Project Runway, I have but one suggestion for you: don’t watch any of the previous seasons when they play them in marathons on Bravo. You’ll thank me for that tip later.

I made that mistake last week while I was sick, and all it did was remind me of how great this show used to be and how soul-suckingly awful most of this season has been. And it wasn’t even the Christian/Rami/Jillian/Chris March season that I watched; if it had been, I might not have even been able to force myself to continue to recap the lifeless zombie corpse of Project Runway that we have now come to know.

But we trundle on, as we have for the preceding 11 or so weeks, and we’re soon to be awarded for our diligence – this thing is almost over! Thursday night marked the last challenge of the season before our final three go to Fashion Week, which means that we’re two eliminated designers closer to seeing a new season that hopefully won’t be as badly planned or cast as this one was. But for now, we’ve got to get to the messy business of dispatching two more lost designer souls.

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If you’re looking for a recap of the second round of The Silent Real Housewives of Atlanta vs. Andy Cohen, well, you’re SOL. The only entertaining thing that happened for the entire hour was that we accidentally found out that Dwight has had his Dwang surgically enhanced, and I almost turned off my TV and went to bed right then. I have seen enough of Dwight’s manparts this season. I don’t want to know their medical history.

And I should have, because when Real Housewives of Orange County came around, I didn’t even get the new housewife with the giant diamond and the unmoving face as I was promised by the approximately 4,839 commercials that I’ve seen for this foofaraw over the past month.

But despite that, and the despite the fact that most of these women qualify for the title of Worst Person in the World on a weekly basis, the recap must go on.

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First, a PurseBlog PSA: apologies if posting is a bit light today across the blogs. Megs and Vlad are heading back home from their trip as we speak and I’ve got the dread scourge of tonsillitis. Mostly my cold meds make me a little too loopy to write, except for recaps, because being a bit loops actually helps.

Take, for example, the nonsense that went on during last night’s episode of Gossip Girl: we witnessed a staged drowning, Blair made friends with a random prostitute (ahem, high-class call girl) over a Valentino bag, Serena assaulted her with baked goods, Dan got called out on national television (but don’t worry, it was Fallon, no one watches him. And for what? I have no idea.) and someone actually up and told Serena that, honey, you look like a prostitute.

Last night, our Upper East Siders went to the polls. Check out their results, after the jump.

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Despite the fact that none of our designers can ever hope to be as spectacularly talented as Christian Siriano was two season ago (or as any of the top four were that season, really), they still continue to plug away at this thing we call Project Runway, even though it’s on a network that no one watches and it directly competes with Real Housewives. Not a good time slot decision, Lifetime execs.

Anyway, I digress. We have, what, like six or seven designers left? I’ve lost count. There are a bunch of chicks and only two dudes left, and the dudes are kind of fail-tastic. Christopher started strong and faltered, while Logan simply managed to sneak in to the next episode every week by not blowing his entire fail load on any one outfit thus far. That doesn’t mean he’s any good, it just means that he’s been slightly less offensive than someone else, time after time.

So did his card get pulled this week, or did another member of his mediocre brethren face Heidi’s tall, Germanic ax? Make the jump to find out.

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