Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills both began and ended with two classic Real Housewives fight archetypes. First, Joyce and Carlton did the not-so-friendly one-on-one lunch sitdown, and it was perhaps the most inane one in Housewives history because it was about spells. At the end of the episode, Kyle (again with Carlton) went for the big-blow-up-at-a-supposedly-fancy-party variety of fight, bookending this episode nicely. It should surprise absolutely no one that Carlton was the common denominator in both major conflicts, because she is absolutely incapable of playing well with others.

1. The description of this episode in my cable guide was, “Joyce confronts Carlton about a spell.” Can we just burn down television and try again? We’ve clearly failed this time around.

2. When shooting a book cover, perhaps consider what the book’s about. At first, when we dropped in on Brandi’s cover session, I was like, why is she letting the woman in the plaid pirate shirt overrule her stylists? As it turns out, though, plaid pirate shirt was the only person on set who actually remembered what the book was supposed to be about, and she was totally right. Touche, plaid pirate shirt. Touche.

3. Now that Joyce believes the threats Carlton told her to believe, Carlton is offended. Other things that offend Carlton: Assertions that the sky is blue. When someone brings her phone to lunch, even if she leaves it in her purse and never touches it. (Carlton can sense that it’s there and that the owner is thinking about it.) When someone has a cat that is not black. When someone names his or her child a regular name instead of some kind of random noun that relates back to the mother’s own personality.

4. Carlton believes that it is taboo and rude to discuss religion. It’s too bad that irony, along with aesthetic taste and basic interpersonal skills, is lost on Carlton.

5. Getting a tattoo on the inside of your wrist doesn’t hurt that badly. Ooh! Ooh! I can provide personal expertise on this matter, because I have a large (for the area) tattoo that’s almost entirely filled in on the inside of my left wrist. It did not hurt. It burned a tad, and the line closest to my hand stung a little bit, but it is just not that bad. A friend came with me to hold my (other) hand, and I think she squeezed me tighter than I squeezed her. Kim’s tattoo is much smaller than mine and not filled; it probably took about four minutes of chair time, which isn’t even enough to really get revved up about the consistent burning sensation.

6. Lisa’s has located the cutest puppy on the face of the planet. I have a strong personal bias toward bully breeds being the cutest puppies ever, but Lisa has more money than I can reasonably comprehend, and when you have that much money, it affords you things like puppies who are so supernaturally adorable that they melt the cold, uncaring brains of reality TV viewers. (I include myself in that grouping.)

7. Brandi is doing a cleanse. So she got a vodka soda.

8. If you slept with someone’s husband, don’t wave your engagement ring at her. This seems like common courtesy to me, not to mention common sense if you’re trying not to get punched in the throat, but being on reality TV is like living in Opposite World – whatever you shouldn’t do in objective reality is something that will make you the star of the show.

9. Who did Brandi punch to break her hand? They mentioned that she hit a dude, but did they ever say who she punched? Did I glaze over at some point? That seems like the kind of information I would have snapped out of it for.

10. Carlton is mad that Kyle didn’t want to go into a bathroom at her house in which someone had just taken a huge, smelly dump. All dumps taken in Carlton’s house smells like roses. IT’S A SPELL, OK.

11. Carlton is the victim here. That’s what Carlton would like your takeaway from this episode to be, even if it’s not anyone else’s.

Handbag count: Kyle’s Valentino Rockstud, after which I lost track.

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