Even though many of you (at least in the US) may have spent your weekends celebrating Halloween with creative costumes and spooky treats, today is the actual day, and that means we’re here to do what we do best: find a way to non-intuitively bring everything back to handbags. Novelty clutches have enjoyed quite the renaissance over the past several years, though, so it wasn’t even that hard.
The aforementioned trend for funny, weird, esoteric fashion has brought with it plenty of pieces that, although luxurious, are ripe for a little bit of gentle ribbing. With that in mind, check out why 13 (the scary number!) such bags freak me out just a little bit blow.
Anya Hindmarch Ghost Shearling Shoulder Bag
$1,595 via LUISAVIAROMA
As we all learned from Casper, friendly ghosts are little white creatures that sometimes star in live-action children’s movie. This is a little black ghost, so I’ve used my powers of deduction to conclude that it is evil and probably doesn’t have an acting agent.
Benedetta Bruzziches Magic Mirror Clutch
$1,357 via LUISAVIAROMA
With this clutch, my fear is functional: it’s a mirror, and in addition to immediate smudges all over it from, you know, carrying it in your hand, every time you look down to get something out of it, you’ll be met by that unflattering under-chin reflection you get when you open your phone camera and realize you forgot to switch it back from forward-facing the last time you took a selfie. Terrifying.
Charlotte Olympia Metal Molly Clutch
$825 via Net-a-Porter
This thing is a good three weeks from gaining sentience and appearing at the foot of your bed in the middle of the night.
Clare V Margot Clutch
$215 via Net-a-Porter
Okay so what we’ve got here is some beady little eyes drawn on flesh-toned leather. I feel like that covers it.
Edie Parker Flavia Gangster Clutch
$1,495 via Net-a-Porter
With this bag, I’m mostly afraid of how hard I rolled my eyes and that if I do it again, they might get stuck that way.
Jimmy Choo Candy Clutch
$1,125 via Net-a-Porter
If you are what you wear, then I’m a Georgia Football shirt from 2003 and a pair of gym shorts from Old Navy right now, and I’m afraid of how accurate that may be.
Karl Lagerfeld Small Choupette Box Clutch
$195 via LUISAVIAROMA
This cat looks like it might be high, and drugs are bad, folks. Especially for cats. Don’t get your pets high.
Kenzo Tiger Paw Clutch
$360 via LUISAVIAROMA
Anything you can accurately describe as “dismembered” is objectively scary.
Lulu Guinness Perspex Lip Clutch
$403 via LUISAVIAROMA
When you think about it, you’re opening a mouth and, like, shoving your phone inside it with this clutch. That’s at least creepy.
Moschino Pill Clutch
$795 via Net-a-Porter
It’s with a heavy heart that I must announce Jeremy Scott is at it again, this time with $800 jokes about prescription drug addiction. He gives me deep anxiety.
SANAYI313 Shearling Clutch
$905 via Net-a-Porter
The color and texture of the thread used in this embroidery is a little too reminiscent of spindly bug legs to me. Yikes!
Sophia Webster Wifey for Lifey Clutch
$1,095 via Net-a-Porter
But what if I’m afraid of commitment? This sounds like a threat.
Vivienne Westwood Sex Patent Clutch
$416 via LUISAVIAROMA
The woman who buys and carries this is the woman who will definitely corner you at a mutual friend’s birthday party to tell you about her ~polyamorous lifestyle~, which is maybe the most terrifying scenario on this list.