Novelty Bags

Happy Halloween! Check Out 13 Bags That Scare Me and Why

Even though many of you (at least in the US) may have spent your weekends celebrating Halloween with creative costumes and spooky treats, today is the actual day, and that means we’re here to do what we do best: find a way to non-intuitively bring everything back to handbags. Novelty clutches have enjoyed quite the renaissance over the past several years, though, so it wasn’t even that hard.

The aforementioned trend for funny, weird, esoteric fashion has brought with it plenty of pieces that, although luxurious, are ripe for a little bit of gentle ribbing. With that in mind, check out why 13 (the scary number!) such bags freak me out just a little bit blow.

Anya Hindmarch Ghost Shearling Shoulder Bag
$1,595 via LUISAVIAROMA

As we all learned from Casper, friendly ghosts are little white creatures that sometimes star in live-action children’s movie. This is a little black ghost, so I’ve used my powers of deduction to conclude that it is evil and probably doesn’t have an acting agent.

anya-hindmarch-ghost-shearling-shoulder-bag

Benedetta Bruzziches Magic Mirror Clutch
$1,357 via LUISAVIAROMA

With this clutch, my fear is functional: it’s a mirror, and in addition to immediate smudges all over it from, you know, carrying it in your hand, every time you look down to get something out of it, you’ll be met by that unflattering under-chin reflection you get when you open your phone camera and realize you forgot to switch it back from forward-facing the last time you took a selfie. Terrifying.

benedetta-bruzziches-magic-mirror-clutch

Charlotte Olympia Metal Molly Clutch
$825 via Net-a-Porter

This thing is a good three weeks from gaining sentience and appearing at the foot of your bed in the middle of the night.

charlotte-olympia-metal-molly-clutch

Clare V Margot Clutch
$215 via Net-a-Porter

Okay so what we’ve got here is some beady little eyes drawn on flesh-toned leather. I feel like that covers it.

clare-v-margot-clutch

Edie Parker Flavia Gangster Clutch
$1,495 via Net-a-Porter

With this bag, I’m mostly afraid of how hard I rolled my eyes and that if I do it again, they might get stuck that way.

edie-parker-flavia-gangster-clutch

Jimmy Choo Candy Clutch
$1,125 via Net-a-Porter

If you are what you wear, then I’m a Georgia Football shirt from 2003 and a pair of gym shorts from Old Navy right now, and I’m afraid of how accurate that may be.

jimmy-choo-candy-clutch

Karl Lagerfeld Small Choupette Box Clutch
$195 via LUISAVIAROMA

This cat looks like it might be high, and drugs are bad, folks. Especially for cats. Don’t get your pets high.

karl-lagerfeld-small-choupette-box-clutch

Kenzo Tiger Paw Clutch
$360 via LUISAVIAROMA

Anything you can accurately describe as “dismembered” is objectively scary.

kenzo-tiger-paw-clutch

Lulu Guinness Perspex Lip Clutch
$403 via LUISAVIAROMA

When you think about it, you’re opening a mouth and, like, shoving your phone inside it with this clutch. That’s at least creepy.

lulu-guinness-perspex-lip-clutch

Moschino Pill Clutch
$795 via Net-a-Porter

It’s with a heavy heart that I must announce Jeremy Scott is at it again, this time with $800 jokes about prescription drug addiction. He gives me deep anxiety.

moschino-pill-clutch

SANAYI313 Shearling Clutch
$905 via Net-a-Porter

The color and texture of the thread used in this embroidery is a little too reminiscent of spindly bug legs to me. Yikes!

sanayi313-ragno-shearling-clutch

Sophia Webster Wifey for Lifey Clutch
$1,095 via Net-a-Porter

But what if I’m afraid of commitment? This sounds like a threat.

sophia-webster-wifey-for-lifey-clutch

Vivienne Westwood Sex Patent Clutch
$416 via LUISAVIAROMA

The woman who buys and carries this is the woman who will definitely corner you at a mutual friend’s birthday party to tell you about her ~polyamorous lifestyle~, which is maybe the most terrifying scenario on this list.

vivienne-westwood-sex-patent-clutch

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