For an episode where most of the cast spent half their allotted 44 minutes hanging upside down, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was about as dramatic as you could ask. We still didn’t get to see Kyle address the cheating rumors directly with Mauricio, or Mauricio address them all, which is really what I’m waiting for. We’ve had at least one commenter come through here in past seasons saying that Mauricio was just this kind of dirtbag when she used to work with him, and I think it’s instructive to watch people address these kinds of accusations. (Armchair body language expert is my second career.) While we wait for that, the Beverly Hills wives have taken a note from Orange County and chosen to argue about who is or is not a bully.
1. Carlton and Brandi went to a lingerie shop, because… Brand and Carlton are both overly willing to talk about sex, their bodies and how they like to have sex with their bodies, so I suppose that sending them both to try on lingerie didn’t really require any sort of explanation or plot justification. And it didn’t get one!
2. Kim thought it would be fun for everybody to go to acrobat school. Kim generally doesn’t seem all that steady on her feet on flat ground, but she won’t let that stop her from dreamin’ big, bless her heart. Can someone put some extra pads on the floor?
3. Joyce would once again like to remind you that she frequently has intercourse with her husband! Balls! Juggling balls, you guys! Joyce wants you to know that she’s good at juggling balls, wink wink nudge nudge. She wants you to know that she has put her hands on her husband’s testicles in the past 24 hours, and it was not the first time she ever did it. Do you believe her? She desperately wants you to believe her. Just tell her that you do or she will continue to talk about it and oh man can we not? Can we just skip that part?
4. It must be convenient to be able to raid Yolanda’s closet. Also, it must be convenient to be able to fit into Yolanda’s clothes! I would settle for just that part.
5. Lisa got a puppy! PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY PUPPY I HAVE NO THOUGHTS EXCEPT PUPPYYYYYY OMG DID YOU SEE THAT FACE AND THEY NAMED IT BUTTSEX.
6. Arguments about nothing! If being an adult means sitting around at a niche group fitness class and bickering about who gets to talk in what order and about what, I’ll pass. Send me back to preschool. At least preschoolers get naptime and juice boxes.
7. You can tell who’s really vain and who’s not by their acrobat class hairstyle choices. Some of the cast mates, when told that they’d be swinging around and upside down at circus school, put their hairs in sensible ponytails (Yolanda, Carlton, Kim and Brandi after a while), some left theirs down (Lisa and Kyle) and some had theirs professionally curled and coiffed like they were going to a cocktail party (Joyce). I’m reading into it.
8. Prom looks way different in Beverly Hills in 2013 than it did in suburban Atlanta in 2004. 2013 California prom looks a lot more stylish and modern, but I, for one, think that prom should be a time for full kitsch and taffeta and rhinestones. Although not even I played by those rules, I suppose. My prom dress was black. Like my heart.
9. I already don’t care about the Brandi-Kyle drama. Did Kyle or someone in her “camp” tell the paparazzi that Brandi is a bully? Maybe! I’m not sure, mostly because I found Kyle’s beaded-fringe epaulets distracting.
10. Joyce needs drama to make herself an interesting addition to the show. She’s figured out that much, but apparently she’s not quite far enough into New Housewife Training to figure out that Lisa is perhaps not the person with whom to pick that fight. Even if Joyce was right (and I’m not particularly convinced that the Flyaway Hair Incident was really even a thing), Lisa is quick and she is cold and she is British, so she will cut you and she will sound correct and polite and authoritative while she does it. Lisa could throw someone off a cruise ship and a lot of people (me included!) would be tempted to find a way to justify it. Lisa is like the big boss you have to beat at the end of a video game. Not for beginners.
Handbag count: One Chanel backpack, one Chanel Grand Shopping Tote and two Louis Vuitton monogram totes, all used as gym bags, one Alexander Wang Whipstitch tote, one Valentino Rockstud Tote and one Louis Vuitton Limelight Clutch.