I swear on everything that is holy, you guys, if I have to listen to one more Botox’d middle-aged woman fight about what someone said or didn’t say on Twitter, I’m going to lose my mind and defenestrate myself. (You like that? It was today’s word of the day in the elevator at work.) Unfortunately, last night’s major throwdown on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills devolved into what is not a requisite Twitter slapfight, and although Bravo at least makes an effort to display the tweets in question during the episode, it’s still not great, or even good, television.
Instead of just complain, though, I have a proposition for solving this problem. When it comes to any particular point of contention that a cast member knows may be discussed, he or she should be required to show up with physical proof of their side of the story, if it exists. Brandi should go to all Housewives tapings with the letter from Adrienne’s lawyers. If anyone takes issue with a tweet, print it out and put it in a folder. Time for a party? Bring your folder. No folder? You don’t get to argue. The contents of my folder are below.
1. Kyle has a lot of clothes for someone who seems to wear exclusively jumpsuits. Who even knew there were that many distinct jumpsuits ever manufactured?
2. Kyle doesn’t defend Lisa because Lisa doesn’t need defending. I’m not sure that’s true, but it is a pretty good explanation for not jumping in to come to Lisa’s rescue. Kyle complaining that fighting aggravates her anxiety is worth a pretty big eye-roll, though, considering that Kyle is the captain of Team Adrienne and takes up the mantle at every opportunity. To be fair, though, Lisa seems to be dwelling on some fairly petty slights just as much as everyone else, which doesn’t help bolster her above-it-all image.
3. Yolanda has a horse. Of course she does. But she says that she wishes she had more money to get additional horses, because most of her daughter’s competitors have several horses, which makes me wonder exactly what kinds of houses those people live in. I mean, what was that, some kind of faux modesty to make conversation with Brandi the Plebe? I did enjoy the part where Yolanda called Adrienne a nobody, though. You could tell she really meant it, and it’s fascinating when the rich eat their own.
4. I could spend an hour a week simply being shown different parts of Lisa’s house. Hell, different parts of Lisa’s closet. Of course, the outdoor tea was also just as perfect as perfect can be. The table setting and staff and color story and drinks and desserts, anyway. The guests, not as much.
5. Brandi thinks Marisa should do a threesome. Considering how much she talks about how she’s bored with her husband, maybe Brandi’s right. At the very least, it would break the boredom.
6. Kyle and Adrienne came packing a Faye. Because fighting is so bad for Kyle’s anxiety, you guys! Lisa apparently told Kyle not to bring her, so showing up with her anyway is the definition of “looking for a fight.” Camille, on the other hand, came with an actual peace offering in the form of a house-warming gift. That’s why we still like Camille better than Adrienne and Faye and all of them, even though Camille seems to be making a late-season campaign for a starting spot on Team Adrienne.
7. Taylor was the first one to bring up the lawsuit. I expected it to be Brandi, honestly, or maybe Faye, but there came Taylor, rushing up to the front and trying to make herself relevant. See also: bringing up the previous year’s white party, even though she had a bit of a point. When she and her husband were merely mentioning a lawsuit last season, everyone vilified them, and with good reason, so why shouldn’t Adrienne have to answer to the same criticism? Lisa assigning Taylor and Brandi random stuff from the table to “carry into the kitchen” to halt the conversation was pretty priceless.
8. Adrienne claims she’s not suing anyone. No matter how much Googling I do, I can’t figure out what’s going on with this one. My gut instinct is that Adrienne is lying and that she did did indeed have the family’s lawyers threaten Brandi with a lawsuit. She said that she was going to do that during Mauricio’s party and in front of the cameras, after all. It seems like Lisa has seen the letter and has some first-hand knowledge of the money Brandi’s doled out to her lawyers to respond to it. To me, whether or not Adrienne has followed through with the lawsuit is kind of immaterial – if you’re threatening lawsuits and having your lawyers contact people who you know don’t have the money to fight with you in order to intimidate them, you’re being a douchebag.
9. It must be fun to have a “camp.” Adrienne says that Brandi has accused people in her “camp” via Twitter. Lisa says that the letter came from Adrienne’s “camp.” Apparently a “camp” includes lawyers and a personal chef, which means that I don’t have a camp. Maybe one day.
10. I still really don’t like listening to people fight about Twitter. There is nothing more high school than a fight over what someone said or didn’t say on Twitter. I certainly don’t want to listen to a bunch of middle-aged women argue about it on TV when I could be doing something important like watching DVR’d episode of Catfish.