Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (3)

Last night, things got weird on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That happens from time to time on Real Housewives, but unlike previous episodes of bizarre behavior, last night was actually…fun. It was fun. Everyone played badminton poorly and flung towels at each other and then got drunk and did cartwheels, and it was great. It was almost as if the stress of constantly fighting with each other had finally gotten to everyone, and they all agreed to suspend their arguments for a day to be real human beings again, instead of reality stars.

Before we could get to any of that, though, we started right back at the dinner table. Again, we watched Adrienne obnoxiously announce to the group that Kim was crying and Brandi tell her to shut the f— up about it. Kim got up from the table to go cry in peace in the bathroom and Brandi followed her, sorta to comfort her and sorta to ensure that Kim was on her side. Back out at the table, we had been transported into an episode of Downton Abbey, wherein Kyle, Adrienne and Taylor were having extremely Victorian reactions to someone dropping the f-bomb at dinner.

Inexplicably, Kyle in particular focused on the apparently extreme impropriety of telling someone who was trying to humiliate another person to shut the eff up, while Kim, her fragilely sober sister and the subject of the attempted humiliation, was sobbing in the bathroom. She was being comforted by Brandi, who is the bad guy in all of this, don’t forget. The person who followed the crying woman out of the room to make sure she was okay instead of sticking around to bicker over the use of a four-letter word – that person’s the villain. Adrienne, who was so concerned at Kim’s tears that she felt the need to announce them to 10 people and a whole camera crew, didn’t get up or even inquire about why Kim might have been crying.

Lisa, perhaps predictably (not only because Lisa and Brandi are friends, but because Lisa is a somewhat reasonable human being in general), gently posited that maybe dropping an f-bomb in front of a group of adult women is actually not that big of a deal, even if it was a bit rude, and at least she was doing it out of a desire to defend Kim. Kyle would have absolutely none of that, at all, and never seemed at all concerned that her sister was obviously quite upset. Kyle’s concerns laid mainly with Adrienne, the person who started the entire fight by trying to humiliate Kim (which, in and of itself, is like picking the sick gazelle off of the back of the herd). Apparently being told to shut up when you’re being a huge jerk is a very traumatizing experience.

Because Lisa could make no headway with the rest of the group, she went to the bathroom and told Kim and Brandi, who had been joined by Yolanda, to come on back out. She advised Brandi to apologize for the f-bomb, which is advice that Brandi actually took. Everything was ok for a moment until Brandi took a quick phone call and announced that she had gotten a book deal, at which point she then complained that everyone wasn’t congratulatory enough. That wasn’t a good idea for a few reasons. First, don’t push your luck. Second, Brandi had gotten up in Taylor’s face about her book at the reunion last season, and although there are a few important differences in the timing (six months vs. several years) and circumstances (dead husband vs. Leann Rimes) of their books, bringing it up in that context automatically makes Brandi look like a hypocrite, even to those who are sensitive to her side of things.

It was all worth it, though, to watch dim-witted Adrienne try and make a joke about how she, too, had just gotten a book deal and then watch as absolutely no one laughed. At that point, Adrienne tried to extend the joke (Was it a joke? Does Adrienne have a book deal? It didn’t seem like any of the other cast members had any idea if she was actually kidding.) by raising her glass for a toast, at which point absolutely everyone found something really interesting to look at on the tablecloth and pretended the whole thing wasn’t happening. Whatever happened to Adrienne? Remember how level-headed and mature she seemed in the first season? We should have all known that no one who’s genuinely level-headed and mature gets that much plastic surgery.

Apropos of nothing: Can someone put some lipstick on Yolanda?

The next morning, everyone talked diamonds over coffee and half the group set out for a hike. Lisa and Brandi, as you could probably guess, stayed behind to…not hike, because hiking is terrible (Personal opinion! Can’t be wrong!). Instead, they talked about why it was that Brandi should think about phrasing things differently and why everyone jumped on the f-word so quickly – everyone’s looking for confirmation that Brandi is who they all really hope she is (a crass, nasty villain with no redeeming qualities), and they’ll take that confirmation wherever they can manage to find it, including in something as simple as a swear word.

Because everyone in the group has the short-term memory of a goldfish, though, they were all back to having fun once the hikers returned home. They piled into a few golf carts and raced out into golf courses unknown, Yolanda and Lisa competing off the cart path while everyone else held on for dear life and tried not to puke their egg whites omeletes. At the end of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, they found a badminton net, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, none of them can play badminton and none of them were dressed appropriately to even try. Lisa, in her long, layered white dress and old lady sneakers, was the outfit highlight of the afternoon.

After they got finished butchering the respectable pursuit of badminton, the ladies started their spa treatments. They drank a little berry drink, they tried to rip each others’ towels off, Kim pretended to masturbate in front of everyone. For once, I actually agree with Taylor – Kim seems to have traded in drunk wacky for regular ol’ wacky, which I guess isn’t the worst thing in the world. She certainly spends less time in the bathroom now. On the other hand, some of her wacky seems to have started to rub off on everyone else, at least during this trip. A little bit of poolside grab-ass turned into a full-on towel and water fight in the sauna, and the fact that I don’t see a single nipple pop out tells you a lot about the differences between the Beverly Hills wives and those in Miami.

Later that evening, after they had all cleaned themselves up, the cast had dinner prepared for them by a cutie pie chef, which is the only reason I would ever join a Real Housewives show anyway – they get a lot of free food and booze. While they ate, they talked about childbirth and baby lamb cells and god knows what else, but they all got along the entire time. Even Brandi and Taylor sat next to each other, and they were laughing and clinking glasses like brand new besties. It was…unsettling. I don’t know how to conceptualize happy, functional Housewives.

After dinner, most of the cast kept drinking while Yolanda and Kim both excused themselves to go to bed and avoid the booze. It seemed as though everyone else waved goodbye to them and decided, “Great, more for me,” because eventually the entire group was drunk enough that Taylor and Brandi ended up on the ground, arm-wrestling. But before that, there was a kiss. And then they wrestled, and someone’s mic pack fell out. So basically, the entire thing confirmed every slumber party stereotype that any teenage boy has ever had, except instead of sorority girls, these were MILFs. And honestly, it seemed like a lot of innocent, drunken fun. They did cartwheels and handstands and tried to wake up Yolanda through the floor, and somehow, no one broke any fingers.

The next morning, Yolanda complained that she hates drunk women and thinks they’re not classy, and to that, I say BOO. People who are regularly inappropriately drunk are a problem, but having a night like they had once in a blue moon is perfectly fine. They had a great time! Everyone got along for a solid 24 hours of togetherness! Despite the initial fight, this may have been the most functional, fun-loving trip in Housewives history. I was impressed!

And then, because no one can ever leave well enough alone, Kyle brought up the fight in the limo on the way home. In the limo on the way home! We were so close to a flawless Housewives victory! Kyle tentatively apologized for jumping down her throat, but that just tipped off some bickering between Brandi and Adrienne, who continued to insist that she was just concerned for Kim’s wellbeing and trying to find out what was wrong. The footage tells a different story, of course – Adrienne didn’t make any effort either during or after the fight to find out what was wrong with Kim. So either Adrienne was so completely taken aback by the use of the f-word by an adult woman that she couldn’t continue feeling concerned for her friend, or she was just trying to stir the pot in the first place and never actually cared why the chick at the end of the table was crying. Which seems more likely to you?

  • Kitty

    Amanda, totally agree that Yolanda needs some lipstick, but alas her lips, just like Taylor’s lips are beyond repair. They are so hideously deformed by the fillers. They are too big (well duh, obviously) and when she smiles the skin just snags on the teeth and forms those awful snagging flaps on each side. It bothers me so very, very much. Dear ladies, STOP with lip injections. They are, like the cat eye of overstretched face lift a sign of plastic surgery gone too far. These lips are nightmare inducing for me. brrrrr. Great recap as always. This was a really fun episode,

    • kaycem

      actually i don’t think she’s had fillers and here’s why. a) if you google around for images of when she was young, her lips are fuller and larger in size than they are now — meaning they’ve shrunken w/ age as lips are wont to do. in fact, her pout was far larger than her model daughter’s is now. b) people who were born with an exaggerated feature tend to play it down, even if it’s what other people like about them (or a part of why they’re famous). hence the nude lipstick.

      last but not least, i will ALWAYS take a classy / played down look over the heavily glossed and frosted trompe l’oeil look that the average housewife deploys in search of larger lips. it works for yolanda and i hope she never changes it.

      • PhotoGirl

        I agree. I think Yolanda is an excellent example of true, understated, European elegance. Her style is impeccable.

      • kaycem

        exactly! she looks better in white jeans and a simple sweater than most of the other women look dressed to the nines. i think she’s angling for an hgtv deal (like dina) w/ all her parties, but i’m not mad b/c everything she does is GORGEOUS. love her.

      • Mra

        ITA. Yolanda overall seems like a nice, elegant person. She’s not mean, and seems to enjoy healthy living. Certainly makes it easier when you have a chef, trainer, and an endless elegant wardrobe, but we’ve seen plenty of examples where money can’t buy class. Yolanda is a classy lady.

  • jane

    Ugh, Taylor. Ugh.
    Brandi is so awesome. She and Lisa should have a show together. I would watch, absolutely.
    Kyle, ugh. I liked her season one well enough but the evil has taken over.

    • Reality Junkie

      Jane: I agree, I agree, and I agree! Lisa has her own spinoff in production and I, too, hope that Brandi will be a part of it. (If you didn’t know, the show is called “Vanderpump Rules” and the focus is on her and her employees at SUR- which by the way is an acronym for “Sexy Unique Restaurant”- I personally think they should have just called it SUR and left it at that!)

      • LuvelyJubley

        I really admire the fact that Lisa didn’t fire Scheane upon discovering that she had had an extramarital affair with her friend’s husband, and apparently Brandi never asked or hinted to Lisa to do so.either. Money is money, and they didn’t starve Scheane out when, between the two of them, they could have done so very easily. Later in the season, Brandi has it out with her husband’s first mistress and I am SO looking forward to that little dinner. Everyone else on this site and elsewhere on the web can say what they will about Brandi, and how her use of profanity is less than classy or ladylike. F that. If a woman can sit across a table from her husband’s mistress and not stab her in the throat with a lobster fork, and on TOP of that have a civilized conversation, that’s all the class and ladylike behaviour I aspire to.

  • Ava

    Can we also address Taylor’s comment about Kim going from opposite ends of wacky?! It was so distasteful given all that Kim is going through. Taylor should be the LAST one to criticize anyone, in any capacity. Ever. She is so disgusting…I can’t even.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I can’t stand Taylor, but I actually didn’t take issue with that comment, and I don’t think it was necessarily meant as an insult. Kim still seems plenty wacky, but in a good-natured way. I don’t think Kim would disagree with that description of herself.

      • Ava

        You’re right, maybe it’s just me being hypercritical of everything she does because of my serious disdain for her!

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        I have to constantly remind myself not to assume bad intentions for the Housewives I don’t like, so I totally understand the impulse!

      • jane

        Adrienne is also the worst. The botox has seeped through into her brain and has apparently poisoned her. Her and Kyle should go take a hike. Everything they say gets on my nerves even if it’s not that bad.

  • PhotoGirl

    I’m with Yolanda on this one: I can’t stand a woman who can’t hold her liquor. I know that I’m impossibly old-school, but so be it. Given the fact that Kim is a recovering alcoholic, I have to wonder why her “friends” couldn’t have refrained from the drunken revelry just this once. I know that’s too much to ask, though. I’m sure Andy Cohen hoped that Kim would relapse right there on camera. I’m so glad that she didn’t!

    From what I’ve seen so far, I wouldn’t mind having a friend like Yolanda. Brandi seems like a lot of fun, too, but she will never be a class act. I think that’s unfortunate for her and for her children.

    I wish Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne would simply vanish into thin air.

    • Ruthie

      I, too, would like to see Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne vanish. The show would be more fun without them. Totally mean and catty girls–done with a smile.

  • kaycem

    perfect recap is perfect.

    kyle was one of my favorites in seasons past (although Empress Vanderpump rules #1 in my heart always) but more and more often i find myself annoyed by her. taylor has always been annoying, but her desperation to make brandi The Most Hated Housewife this season is exhausting and, frankly, embarrassing. she’s the type who will play victim at the drop of a hat in order to get people off her back, but as soon as she’s not the focus of everyone’s ire, she’s the first in line to throw someone else to the wolves. so not just a bully but also a coward. color me over it. maloof hoof isn’t even worth discussing in depth. all i want to say is “why are you still here, adrianne?”

    can’t wait for “vanderpump rules” b/c she clearly does… it’s all my fave things from RHoBH and none of the things i detest.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I’m really excited for Vanderpump Rules too, I just adore Lisa.

  • winterpenny

    Yolanda has been a surprise to me. Many of her comments made me think that she is very judgemental (i.e. the drunk women thing, etc.) However, despite these comments, she seems to be the most natural of all the women on the show. All the other women were completely overdressed in Ojai, while Yolalnda actually dressed for the occasions. Also, she is very accepting and supportive of Kim and Brandi. I thought it was very classy that she made it known she wasn’t drinking. While she had her own reasons, I think it game Kim the support she needed. I thought it was very selfish of all the other ladies to get so wasted knowing that Kim was fresh out of rehab. While I don’t think you need to cater every event around Kim, I think this one was symbolic of her journey. I think she recognizes Brandi’s honesty and good heart despite the rough edges. I don’t know if anyone else noticed that Brandi went above and beyond in trying to make amends with Kim. The whole thing started with Kim and Kyle being totally overt the top mean to her at “game night”. And if you recall, Brandi’s friend Adrienne didn’t even have her back after that night. This season is definitely shaping up to be Team Lisa (Yolanda and Brandi) and Team Adrienne (Kyle and Taylor). Not sure if Kim is on either team at this point:)!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I generally quite like Yolanda too, even though she’s made some specific comments that I didn’t. On the whole, I think she’s coming off as a genuine, reasonable person.

  • PatriesPosse

    Yolanda is Dutch. The Dutch are pretty down to earth and no nonsense. Throw in 300 million dollars and you get Yolanda. Light lips, dark nail polish, (cool) jeans but with a Birkin in hand stepping of a private jet… Beats those bedazzled BH ladies….

  • Scorpio 92

    Thank you so much for re-capping this show Amanda! You always make me laugh ;)

  • jomarie

    It really is not cool to accept an invitation from a person in recovery and turn the weekend into drunken revelry.

  • Dana

    Kyle use to be my favorite and it makes me sad to see how she’s become this catty and judgmental mean girl over the past few season! Oh well…her husband’s still hot. At least that hasn’t changed :)

  • Melkram999

    Where is the RHOM recap? Or the recap from last nights RHOBH…love this blog look forward to reading it

  • Jillian

    I watch the show to see how the women dress, I love that they are extreme. I hope Brandi doesn’t change love watching her. If Adrienne is so embarrassed about using a surrogate, then she shouldn’t have used one. She missed out on a privilege money can’t buy. Not sure I like Yolanda yet but I love the show.

  • Summer

    I really liked Kyle when the Real
    Housewives of Beverly Hills premiered; now I see her as a bully and an
    instigator in most of the drama that has occurred this season. I’m coming
    around to Kim and her whack-a-doodle ways. She may be off her rocker but at
    least she’s honest. I missed the past few episodes of RHOBH because I had to go
    into work at DISH. I usually set my DVR to record the weekly episodes, but I’m
    bad with remembering to set the timers. This time I set my DISH Hopper to
    record the season. It is nice not having to remember every week to record this,
    and plus there is over 400 hours of HD DVR space so I can record this show and my
    other favorite shows that air the same night and I don’t have to worry about
    using up much space. I’m glad I have a long weekend to catch up on my favorite
    show.