To be perfectly honest, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills felt like a bit of a waste of time. We got the run-up to the stripping, the run-up to Kim’s nose job and the run-up to some sort of weird dinner fight between Camille and Yolanda (and then Camille and Lisa), but very little in the way of actual action. I hate it when you do that to me, Bravo. We’ve talked about this.
Nonetheless, we had a show and that means we’ll have a recap, even if it’s in list form like it was last week. It’s hard to write a narrative if nothing resembling a narrative happens! So here it is: the things I noticed this week, both interesting and not-that-interesting.
1. Yolanda loves her Hermes belts. That’s because she doesn’t have a Prada backpack.
2. Suzanne Somers. Kyle thinks she might hold the secrets to immortality. Lisa’s not sure who she is.
3. Brandi went to stripper class to get ready to go to a stripper class. She wouldn’t want anyone to suspect that she was never a stripper, of course. Also, Stripper Teacher was super excitable. Truth be told, I don’t entirely understand the Brandi/stripping student/stripping teacher storyline.
4. Adrienne, Faye and Paul all came to Kyle’s house for 6th Grade Graduation. I’ll spare you my old-lady schpiel about how celebrating nonexistent milestones makes kids soft. The kids celebrated in an unseen part of the house while Kyle, Mauricio, Fay, Adrienne and Paul commenced a team meeting and a small metal ceremony for Faye, who was being honored for excellence in service to the team. In keeping with Faye’s overall aesthetic, the metal was the same color as her hair and skin.
5. Everyone packs for a Vegas trip differently. Kim hangs pictures and thinks about getting her nose fixed (because her doctor refused to fix anything else, she’ll have you know). Lisa roots through drawer after pristine drawer of perfect pink underwear. Marisa’s mother admonishes her somewhat questionable taste in very expensive maxi dresses. During that conversation, Marisa was wearing a halter top with a regular-strap nude bra, so perhaps she should give mom’s advice some additional thought.
6. Brandi’s best friend Jen is on Rehab with Dr. Drew. To clarify: She’s not IN rehab, she works for his rehab center. I have watched her chase a junkie down the street. I’m willing to admit that I watch Dr. Drew’s show because I trust you guys not to hold it against me.
7. We got more of Yolanda’s Lessons on How to Keep a Man. She has yet to address the fact that both Brandi and Camille were in excellent shape, kept themselves up, impressed their husband’s friends and stayed at home instead of pursuing their own careers when they were left by their husbands for other women. Also, Yolanda conveniently ignores that fact that she herself didn’t hold on to her first rich husband so well.
8. I’m the only person whose mother didn’t walk around naked in front of her. You guys know what I’m referring to. Don’t make me write it.
9. Oysters and green juice are gross. Another thing I feel comfortable admitting because I trust you guys. I don’t care if it makes me a philistine! They’re gross!
10. Kim wants to get her nose done because change is fun! There is nothing objectively bad about Kim’s nose. It’s not big, it’s not crooked. It’s just a regular nose. Also, her surgeon’s desk is super tacky. Her surgeon is not Paul, by the way, although I suspect Paul’s desk is tacky too.
And that was it, really. We could have spent the entire episode going through the drawer’s in Lisa’s apartment-sized closet and it would have been a much more thrilling episode.