Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: An Accessories Guide

Today, I’d like to switch bases a bit to talk to you about the greatest scourge threatening America today: Zombies. Thought The Walking Dead was just a fictional TV show, did you? I’m here to tell you that it’s not, and also that there are parts of downtown Atlanta that probably didn’t need much window-dressing to look post-apocalyptic in order to shoot the series. When you combine that with the Miami face-eater and all the barking mad wannabe-cannibals who have hit the news after him, I ask you: is this really “bath salts,” as the mainstream media would want you to believe? What does that even mean? Does that sound fake to anyone else?

You know what’s, like, at least a zillion times more likely? Zombies. We already covered that up top, pay attention! In the event of zombie apocalypse, there will be no time to reread! Anyway, it’s time to start prepping for the inevitable, but you’re not crazy like one of those people out in the woods who has managed to hoard 800 pounds of canned peas in their safe rooms (and the gross generic peas, not even Le Sueur). No, you’re a totally sane person who’s just trying to make sure that she knows where to stab a zombie (in his eye, you have to destroy the brain, duh) in case, you know, it ever comes to that. As always, though, we have some suggestions for things you should buy to prepare yourself, all of which are chic enough to use in your everyday life until the zombies start arriving in earnest. You wouldn’t want your friends and neighbors to suspect you’re prepared; after all, those ingrates will just try to steal your stuff and leave you for dead when it’s go time.

Obviously, the first thing you should think about is a bag. Not only is it our primary focus in these parts, but it’s necessary in order to keep all of your gear with you. This is a rare situation in which we’ll advise against leather – it’s heavy, it doesn’t do well in the elements, it’s not as versatile as nylon. Something like the Marc by Marc Jacobs Pretty Nylon Knapsack won’t necessarily give you water resistance, but it’ll do in a pinch. And don’t worry about the color – zombies are attracted by the smell of your sweet, sweet brains, not by sight. $198 via ShopBop.

If you want to go super practical, something like the Rothco Woodland Camo Deluxe Waterproof Backpack is a good choice. And believe me, you can start carrying it now – Valentino just showed a camouflage Rockstud bag for Resort 2013. $19.95 via ArmyNavyUSA.com.

I’d really recommend a backpack, but if you are opposed to that idea, a lightweight nylon weekender like the LeSportsac Large Weekender would serve you well. Plus, the strap is strong and completely removable, which could come in handy elsewhere. (Read: Zombie-strangling.) (Just kidding, you can’t strangle a zombie.) Buy through ShopBop for $108.

There’s nothing about the Rag + Bone Keaton Sunglasses that make them particularly handy for a zombie apocalypse. You’re going to need some sunglasses, though, and you might as well pick the douchiest pair on your wishlist, the pair that all of your friends would make fun of you for wearing, because the zombies won’t judge you for it. $370 via ShopBop

Look, you don’t want to get sunburned. It just makes you sluggish and complain-y and zombies might like the smell of sizzling flesh, who knows? You need a Bop Basics Floppy Sunhat, $98 via ShopBop, and Hampton Sun SPF15 Continuous Mist Sunscreen, $32 via Hampton Sun, lest you get sun poisoning. And it’s summer, you should probably have both in your bag anyway. (And seriously, that sunscreen smells incredible.)

Obviously, you’re going to need some practical tools to survive as well. As far as big weapons, those are up to you – machete, machine gun, flame-thrower, whatever – but a few little things can go a long way. The Leatherman Juice XE6 Pocket Multi-Tool might not be good for zombie-decapitation, but after the apocalypse, it’ll be good for the kind of little tasks you didn’t know you’d need to perform. Before the apocalypse, you can use it to open any spontaneous bottles of wine that come your way. Just take it out of your bag before you go through airport security in an attempt escape the undead hordes, ok? Somehow we doubt that the pretty purple color will amuse the TSA agents. (Don’t trust them, they’re zombies too. If not literally, at least metaphorically.) $66.72 via Amazon.

The Pamela Love Double Pyramid Lapis Lazuli Ring is a great piece of jewelry to have when all is right with the world, but once everything goes to hell, it can be affixed to a stick to make a convincing speer. Go ahead, channel a Hunger Games contestant. May the odds be ever in your favor. $460 via Net-a-Porter.

You probably have a lighter already (and if you don’t, this Zippo Spectrum Pocket Lighter, $15 via Amazon, sure is pretty), but unless you’re an avid camper (we’re not, but hey, if that’s your thing…), you might need a little help actually starting a fire that’s good enough to, you know, heat food. Hairspray like the Frederic Fekkai Sheer Hold Hair Spray, $18 via Amazon, is an excellent accelerant, and in a pinch, you can also use it to burn a zombie’s face off. Don’t try this at home, kids.

In the event of apocalypse, cell phones are going to be a resource of limited importance. While things are still developing, though, you’re probably going to be doing a lot of calling, texting, Googling and GPSing, and losing power while the undead are hot on your heels is a major party foul. The Mophie Juice Pack Plus is a bit bulky, but it gives you up at 8 extra hours of talk time on your iPhone. Not bad. $99.95 via Amazon.

Palladium boots were used by the French Foreign Legion for decades (not that the French have a stunning amount of military success about which to brag), and their lightweight-but-tough construction makes them the perfect go-to for everything from toughening up a breezy dress to hiking through tough terrain in search of other survivors. $70 via Zappos.