I was on vacation at the beginning of last week, so our return to recapping Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is getting a late start, but we’re back! Based on the previews, it looks like the season’s fireworks will really get going next week when all those cheating allegations about Kyle’s husband works their way to the surface. We can only deal with the present right now, though, so let’s have our first recap in quite a while.
1. I’m obsessed with Joyce’s hair. That’s not a thought related to any scene or moment in particular, but more a general declaration of a deep, abiding appreciation I have for that woman’s follicles. I’m not convinced it’s all hers, but if it’s not, she must be going to Beyonce’s weavologist, and quality work like that is worthy of acknowledgement in and of itself.
2. Master Cleanse seems so retro. Seemingly overnight (seriously, these places weren’t here when I moved to the city a couple of years ago), NYC has turned into a place where you can buy a green juice every three blocks and get a week’s worth of juice-only nutrition delivered to your apartment overnight. Lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper sounds positively analog compared to 20 ounces of kale, spinach, parsley celery, cucumber and apple. (Don’t ever drink one of those. They taste like lawn.)
3. Carlton swears at her kids with abandon. Don’t get me wrong, I love to swear. I swear with abandon, and when I’m happy as often as when I’m not. I sometimes forget and swear in front of someone’s kid, mostly because I’m not used to being around tiny humans, but if I had kids, reigning in the kind of language I use seems like it would be a good idea. It’s disconcerting to watch a grown, possibly educated human being curse out their elementary school-aged children on camera.
4. I love seeing moms on Real Housewives. It’s easy to forget that our RH cast members are actual human beings who did not spring fully formed from the loins of Andy Cohen, and meeting someone’s mommy is the best way to get that reminder. Even human trash like Slade Smiley is ever-so-slightly sympathetic with his mom in the room, and meeting Brandi’s sane, seemingly normal momma last night probably softened one or two of her haters just a little.
5. Brandi went to the Oscars and you didn’t. Just a reminder.
6. Carlton is highly offended by bee murder. I don’t know if Carlton’s being set up to be the villain this season or what, but she seems totally humorless and self-serious so far. She nearly stroked out over Kyle’s friend squishing a bee at lunch (although I’m sure Andy Cohen was mad too, because anaphylactic shock and an epi pen to the thigh would be GREAT TV), she didn’t think Kyle’s leaky boob story was even vaguely amusing, and after being offended that Kyle excused herself to get a bottle of wine in the middle of her highly detailed bird-murder story, she complained that Joyce’s tale of meeting her husband, which she was asked to tell, dragged on too long. Apparently Carlton only wants to talk about the best places to purchase gothic cross jewelry.
7. If you are a flighty, inconsistent person, you should maybe not have a powerful dog. Pit bulls are great dogs. Gentle, loving, great with kids. They’re strong, though, and if you’re a person like Kim who’s perhaps not going to remember to get the dog trained for a year after you get it, maybe a pit bull isn’t for you. Maybe you should get a Yorkie or something that can only do so much damage if you teach it to be nervous and protective when people come in your house.
8. Was Lisa DWTS faint fake? That’s what Kyle and Kim want to know, and I only wish that they seemed to appreciate the rich irony in Real Housewives cast members questioning the authenticity of another reality show’s plot lines.