Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, dramatic as it was at times, felt uneven and transitional to me. By the end of the episode, it seemed as though it had been constructed entirely so that Brandi’s dognapping crisis wouldn’t crowd out drama from last week, which had enough constructed storylines on its own. So the Palm Springs trip got two full episodes instead of the one or one-and-a-half that it was intended to get, and we got to watch Carlton play with squirrels while we waited to hear the cause of Brandi’s phone call freakout. Why did it have to be the dog? I hate it when bad things happen to dogs.
1. It’s nice when people act like humans. Let the record indicate that Lisa does pretty consistently stand up for people when they’re being thrown under busses, even if a person being attacked isn’t traditionally her ally or the person doing the throwing is. Lisa plays into this show’s dynamics in pretty smart ways, and she doesn’t let her “alliances” stop her from being rational and human. Also pretty human: Yolanda, who went to comfort Kyle before anyone else even though they are clearly not in great standing with each other in general.
2. Brandi is drunk through the television. She sweated her weave out and everything. I can smell her from here.
3. Did anyone else catch the non-contextual shot of Kyle swimming by in giant chandelier earrings? That’s the kind of absurdity that I really prize in this show.
4. Brandi and Carlton are the reality TV equivalent of two coeds making out in a bar to impress frat boys. Except they are both grown and we are the frat boys. I did not sign up to be a frat boy. (Do I get a paddle? If so, I’d like to receive mine now so I can hit myself in the face with it until we get to stop watching Brandi and Carlton flirt with each other.)
5. Wresting a bottle of wine out of a drunk woman’s hand is a reasonable thing to do. Brandi probably has some sort of drinking problem, and although Yolanda thinks Lisa is the fun police, it’s natural to be worried about someone who is already drunk, making a fool of themselves in front of a camera crew and setting themselves only to get worse as the night wears on. Sometimes, someone has to be the fun police so fun can live to fight another day.
6. I got both motion sickness and a bit of the spins from the tram ride to the top of the mountain. I am very indoorsy.
7. Those squirrels are running a pretty good scam. “We’re communing with nature! Look at this little guy! Animals feel safe with me because I am very spiritual!” “Yeah, lady, just give me a Cheez-It.”
8. Brand’s dog was kidnapped. I have no words about that. It is just very sad, and a reminder that showing your house on TV is probably a little bit terrifying because someone with nothing better to do will always figure out where it is and when you’re out of town.
9. Andy played a clip of Joyce making out with Fabio on WWHL. Not technically from this episode, but I couldn’t just depart on the missing dog note. I didn’t have it in me. Fabio! Joyce! So much hair, you guys. All of the follicles.
Handbag count: One Prada Madras tote, one of Brandi’s ever-present Stella McCartney Falabellas.