Apologies for lateness, everyone – my morning was mostly spent at the post office and bank, so you can imagine how much fun I was having during the time that I usually finish up my Real Housewives of Orange County recap. Luckily, our Left Coast ladies gave me plenty of material during their sixth season premiere last night, so remembering what happened once I finally got to sit down and think about it wasn’t an issue.

I’ve been feeling a bit of Housewives fatigue lately, mostly because the last half of the Atlanta season and what we’ve seen so far of Miami haven’t been all that much fun. There’s just something about the Original Recipe housewives that makes this show seem new all over again, though. Or maybe I’m just blinded by the reflection of their fake tans.

We started with Tamra, who, as we all know, is now in the process of divorcing her toad of a husband but has yet to rid herself of that toad of a friend, Alexis. You see, since Alexis is such a saint among sinners, she has been able to stay friends with Tamra through her divorce process even though the Bible frowns on divorce. It’s so generous of Alexis to surround herself with such people and try to lead them down the path of righteousness. Oh, and she’s also been divorced, but the Bible didn’t frown on that divorce because it ultimately enabled her to get with Jim, her own personal Jesus. BUT WE’LL GET TO THAT IN A MINUTE.

Elsewhere, Gretchen has now added a handbag line to her makeup line, because what the world really needs are more pleather purses endorsed by Z-list celebrities. She wants to be like Jessica Simpson, but her illiteracy stands in the way because it means she probably wouldn’t do a great job starring in a late-night infomercial on, say, the Lifetime Movie Network. I think advertising on the regular Lifetime channel is still out of her price range. Not that I’m anything but thrilled by this development, of course; I consider Gretchen’s handbag line a personal offering to me from the Real Housewives gods for making me recap the entirety of Real Housewives of DC this summer.

Next up was Vicky, who chose to spend her time for the episode talking about how great her relationship has been since she and Donn renewed their vows last season. Anyone who obsessively reads Real Housewives gossip (ahem) knows that they’ve already filed for divorce, so, uh…awkward. Vicky and Donn moved furniture while the producers played audio of Vicky talking about the improvements in their marriage and how Donn now has a voice, but apparently he used that voice to call a divorce lawyer. Although Vicky is usually one of the less aggravating of the OC cast members, I can’t really imagine that being married to her would be all that much fun, and I hope that Donn gets to fly free one day. Spread your wings, darlin’!

Speaking of divorced, we next caught up with Tamra to see her go get the tattoo of Simon’s name removed from her ring finger. The one she got last season when everyone, including her, knew that her marriage was almost ever. Remember that one? Yeah. Don’t ever get a tattoo for or about a husband or boyfriend. Doing so has never improved anyone’s relationship, and it just makes for big dermatologist bills and awkward explanations to new romantic interests later. Plus, it seemed fairly ouchy.

After that, we got some lessons in marriage from Alexis, who wanted to remind all of us that the man is supposed to be the head of the household and the woman is always supposed to be second because that’s what the Bible told her. Unfortunately for Alexis, the Bible didn’t say anything about how her husband should continue to pay for two nannies so that she could spend all day getting her nails done and her facial fillers updated, so now she only has one, and that one nanny gets days off a couple of times a week, requiring her to do things like make toast and get her kids ready to leave the house with her. Shocking.

And call my crazy, but after this scene, Alexis’s existence in the rest of the episode didn’t upset me the least bit. Sure, she’s a spoiled brat with an utterly unctuous husband who likes to preach about her religion, but other than that, she seemed almost…sane? For the rest of the episode, she avoided conflict, didn’t say anything nasty about anyone and was the first person in Real Housewives history to break the fourth wall and provide a practical explanation for why they always go to every party in a limo – so they won’t get DUIs on the boozy drive home.

When it was time for Tamra’s party to happen, the first guest to arrive was Fernanda, one of our new housewives. (We won’t meet the other one until next week.) Fernanda is one of two new Housewives for the season and she’s a Brazilian personal trainer (and also a lesbian). While waiting for the guests to arrive, Tamra and Fernanda sat there and flirted awkwardly with each other in front of a half-naked bartender who was probably secretly hoping they’d make out. We were apparently supposed to think that the bartender was hot, but that seemed like kind of a stretch to me. Fernanda and Tamra didn’t end up making out, although it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if Tamra became hungry enough for attention before the end of the season to give it a shot. I wouldn’t put that past any of our Housewives.

When everyone (except Vicky, because she has a job, remember?) arrived at Tamra’s house to chug free booze and halfway pay attention to some sales presentation by an over-tanned middle-aged woman with a clothing line, things got awkward quickly. When the presentation turned to Evil Eye hats (side note: they were ugly), Gretchen grabbed one and ran up to Tamra with it, even though Tamra had been behaving herself thus far. It was unnecessary and annoying, and somehow Tamra didn’t poke her in the eye for it. Gretchen would have deserved it, since the whole scene was so awkward that it made even our most veteran Housewives crew feel awkward.

I remember feeling more sympathy toward Gretchen last season, but now, I have an overwhelming urge to sneak up behind her and push her into the Pacific Ocean. I don’t know if it’s the embarrassingly insipid TurboTax commercials or the pretentious way that she spells “beauté” in the name of her crappy makeup line or the fact that she’s now treading on my handbag turf, but she seems like the most insipid person on the face of the planet at this point. And that’s saying a lot, because she was in the same room as Alexis when I came to this conclusion.

When Vicky arrived, Tamra took her off to the side to discuss whether or not Tamra should kick Gretchen out. Meanwhile, Gretchen had moved outside and in an effort to entertain herself, she decided to pick a fight with Alexis and ask the bartender to rub ice on his chest. Gretchen and Alexis are apparently friends and had been joking around with each other in the limo on the way to the party, but when Alexis said that Gretchen was a princess because she gets to sleep in, all of the booze in Gretchen’s blood stream turned on her and she took it as the most offensive thing ever uttered in her vicinity. The Brazilian trainer tried to break it up, but surprisingly, Alexis managed to realize that Gretchen was tanked and remove herself from the conversation before it escalated.

Because Alexis wouldn’t play along, Gretchen moved inside to try and pick a fight with Vicky, who tossed a few choice words her way and kept right on shopping. Searching for conflict back outside, Tamra finally gave her some and they made everyone else at the party uncomfortable for a few minutes. Because it’s early in the season, the other housewives and party guests stepped in to calm things down a little bit and neutralize the situation, and the Gretchen-Alexis-Gretchen’s Assistant crew left just as soon as they could all gather up their free goodie bags.

Just because they got in the limo doesn’t mean Gretchen stopped being a belligerent drunk, though. Despite the fact that Gretchen had spent the entire car ride to the party making fun of Alexis’s voice and how she talks, she took great offense at the idea that Alexis might consider her spoiled. While I agree that it’s ironic that Alexis, of all people, would say that to anyone, it doesn’t seem as though Gretchen’s life has been all that much of a struggle. She glommed on to a rich guy who was sick and now she makes her living with crappy makeup and annoying commercials. We should all be so lucky. Methinks that Ms. Gretchen is going to be the one who everyone hates this season.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • ninjaninja

    Yay for new housewives! I like how Gretchen it keeping it classy.


    “Although Vicky is usually one of the less aggravating of the OC cast members….. ” Was this a typo? – LESS aggravating? Vicki is a narcisistic bully with an ridiculously high opinion of herself. I had hoped last season was her last, as she clearly seemed unhappy, but how could she plug her insurance co. if she wasnt on the show? And how would she let us all know for the gazillionth time that she “works for a living”?
    I laughed out loud at some of Alexis’s remarks to the camera about Bible and Scripture and King, etc – hilarious!! And what a hypocrite on the “God doesn’t like divorce comment” – good call.
    Excellent recap – as always, your insight and humor makes this BETTER than the actual tv show. Thank you

    • I don’t disagree that Vicky is a narcissistic bully, but in the context of the group, she’s kind of…the smart one. Which really doesn’t say much for our other ladies, does it?

      Surprisingly, I found myself liking Tamra a lot in this episode and disliking Alexis less than I usually do (after she got through with her speeches about marriage and a woman’s place in the home, of course.) So who knows where our allegiances will be by the end of the season.

  • Michellef

    Great recap… I agree w Nancy about Vicki. Alexis doesn’t bother me, I mean she’s ridiculous but they all are. I grew up in Co so I’m used that religious baloney. You were light on Tamera, she in my opinion is one of the nastiest of all HW’s. Truly no redeeming qualities. Gretchen 2 me is like a dumb sweet dog. They do annoying stuff but at the end of the day it’s a dumb sweet dog. She’s shelling crap & if she can make money from it more power to her. I won’t be buying it!

    • Kjon

      I’m from Co as well (Co Springs, no less) so Alexis’ slightly-hypocritical-holier-than-thou attitude doesn’t really faze me either! :P

  • Episode 1 was really strong – which makes me sad about the lameness of the Miami ladies (let’s face it, their season is lackluster thus far). But this started off with drama from the get-go and many times I seriously had my jaw drop.

    • bb

      Great recap Amanda!!! I’m sooooo glad these ladies are back. Now Bravo, let’s get the New York Ladies on and we will be watching some DRAMA!!!!!!!

  • suz

    Oh goodness…..I had really planned on not watching any more RHWs (well maybe except for NYC and BH). But, now when I read the recap and comments, I realize, I have way too much time invested in these vacuous and annoying ladies, and I just have to hold my nose and jump into the pool one more time. I’m about to set the DVR for last night’s episode so I won’t get behind. It’s embarrassing…..but then I remind myself, it’s sure a lot more fun than watching the 24/7 news. So, Amanda, I don’t know whether to thank you for the great recap…..or curse you. Thanks.

    • I got that feeling a lot with Dexter, which is my favorite show, this past season. It ended up not being a very good year for the show, but I dutifully tuned in every week because I have invested way too much time and energy in the series at this point to stop watching.

      So I can commiserate, Suz. Sometimes television is kind of a pain in the ass.

      • suz

        Well….at least we have your amusing commentary……

  • kate w

    Is Gretchen still with Slade? Did they say, I didn’t get a chance to watch it…

    • Yep, she is, although he didn’t appear in this episode.

  • KaylaNiche

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE your recap. So on point. I was outdone at the start of this episode. I just have a feeling that this season will be completely draining. Alexis and her holier than thou act is exhausting in and of itself. And Gretchlade or Sladechen are just SLIMY as Vicky put it. How perfect. S-L-I-M-Y. And did anyone else catch the cameo of Dr. Slimy himself, Will Kirby????! Of Big Brother fame. (I still need to see proof he’s an M.D. Shout out to RHOA’s “Dr.” Tiy-E) (Sidenote: Will is so cute to me….but moving along…o_O) The lesbian housewife is annoying! My poor TV screen can’t take her and Lynn appearing together. That’s too much leathery skin for 21″ seriously.

  • Cat

    So who did not return?

    • Kjon

      Lynn & Jeana

  • Kjon

    First off I loved Gretchen’s yellow dress in her first scene! She was really playing the victim though all episode, which annoyed me to death, really. Not everyone is out to slight her in some way. Those are truly the worst types of people. Poor Alexis, she must have been blindsided at first with the whole ‘princess’ thing. It was clearly said in pure jest and way less offensive than making fun of the way a person says “because”.

    I could not believe Alexis saying her life role is to “be 2nd”. That’s not really my way of saying “caregiver” but to each their own, right? She really seems to like perpetuating overt sexism a little bit more than the average HW. Other than that she seems like a good person.

  • M L Fessler

    Where can I get the Evil Eye Caps

  • Kate M

    Glad the gals are back! Did anyone else recognize Dr. Tattoff? He is none other than Big Brother’s evil Dr. Will – ick!!

  • Handbag Lover

    Better than Miami for sure. It was pretty good so far but Gretchen worked my last nerve, she is so phony to me, ugh. I loved Vicki’s LV Bag, very cute.

  • shallowgal

    Great recap! I just hope the rest of the season lives up to the first episode.
    Righteous indignation! All the HWs seem to have that behavior down pat, don’t they?
    It’s all so over-the-top, but of course, that’s what makes it compelling.
    I’m looking forward to the drink in the face moment ~ I hope it’s soon.
    As for the newest HW? I must have missed her in the opening credits. The other new one seems like she’ll be downright horrible. I can’t wait. lol.

  • Anna

    Lest we forget Vicki’s ill-fated “designer jeans” line “Vicki Lynn”. I think that one tanked, but it was funny that she was talking smack about Gretchen slapping a label on a crappy bag when she literally did the same thing.

  • Laura

    DId anyone else think that Dr. Tattoff”s assistant looked familar? Was she on “The Bachelor”, and did she “win” and ride off into the sunset with Jerry O’Connell’s less attractive brother?

    As for Gretchen, I think that she will be showing her true colors this season. Afterall, she is the woman who, if you believe the tabloids and blogs, was dating another guy on the side while her poor Fiance was dying of leukemia.

    • Chick

      He’s Dr. Will Kirby – winner of Big Brother season…4? He was also on Dr. 90210 for a while.

      • Chick

        Sorry- yes I saw it mentioned elsewhere that the assistant was indeed on The Bachelor.

  • relli

    I am watching this right now. Omg why is gretchen being styled like taylor swift? Seriously its either because that girl has been shoved down my throat all year or this how gretchen has always looked but I am expecting her to grab guitar any moment. Pfttt “beute” trashy! I notice that tamras creepy son is her family, I guess simonrefused to sign those release forms.

    So nice to have the original queen of smut back. I don’t know perhpas it is the bizarre combination of conservative values and ostentacious lifestyle but they are always magnificent!

  • Pam

    Gretchen really provoked Tamra, who deserves it. Tamra is a mean girl and Gretchen is just putting her in her place. Too bad there aren’t more Gretchens in high school to nip the budding mean girl persona. IMHO, Tamra is just trailer trash.

  • Maryann

    Great recap, Amanda! This should be a very interesting season.

    On a completely different note, I see that Michel Salahi (yuk) is going to be on Celebrity Rehab 5. Does anyone know if Bravo is bringing back the other DC Housewives? I know it was boring in comparison to the other Housewives series, but I still liked some of the girls.

  • Lulugurl

    I don’t watch the show, but I love your recaps…whitty as hell! :)

  • Lorie

    Love the part about wanting to push her into the ocean! Cracked me up!

    Oh what a mess. I’m so glad they’re back. The VERY BEST thing about Lynn not returning is that we will never, ever, ever have to endure another second of her two whiney, self-centered, immature, out of control daughters. “I’m like so over it already.” I swear if they ever show up on my tv again, I will take a hammer and smash it into a bazillion pieces.

    • steffie


      BTW great recap, but I really thought this episode was boring. I can’t believe nobody likes Miami HW here :(

      • I actually like Miami, despite the fact that I seem to be one of perhaps half a dozen people who feel that way. I have family in South Florida, so maybe that’s why? I don’t know. I also like Miami Social, which seemed to bomb.

      • dpgyrl026

        Funny, I like Miami too and like Amanda, loved Miami Social.

  • S

    I was starting to somewhat like Gretchen again last season and then she goes and picks a fight with everyone at the party! I hope that was just an isolated incident – unless she continues harboring a lot resentment towards Tamara. I don’t think Gretchen knows how to be cautious with someone like Tamara and still be civil.
    I like Alexis. She seems to adore her husband (as she should) and even though she my say silly things, she seems to live by it. She seems to be the most genuinely happy one in the cast. Vicki always seems to be selling her happiness and totally unaware of how poorly she treats her husband. I watch Vicki and take notes on how not to treat my husband.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I just can’t stand the thought of having to endure another season of Duck Lips and Taliban Jim. In the end, I know I will. I’m shameless. I love this show and love Amanda’s recaps even more…

  • Manuela

    Amanda, fantastic recap as always! For whatever reason Lynne was kicked off the show (is the new “affordable condo” not up to the show’s standards?) I. Am. So. Relieved! Never again to suffer those soon-to-be-unwed-teenaged-mom daughters again; awesome! Now Frank’s gonna have two more people to shuffle from condo to condo, poor bastard.

    That aside, I at least had a sneaking appreciation from Tamra’s resolve to try to be a nicer, more positive person, even if it all goes to hell later with the toss of a wine glass. Gretchen was provoking to say the least. Between Gretchen and Vicki, it’s hard to say who’s gonna be the designated “mean girl” this season.

  • JenG

    Did Tamra say that Gretchen tried to date her son? I hope I was hearing things because if Gretchen went for Ryan, hopefully she was drunk! Great recap Amanda! Thanks for the laughs! And I love reading the comments from all the ladies too.

  • Mochababe73

    I don’t care how Tamra treated Gretchen in the past, but where I come from, you don’t insult people in their homes. In the South, it’s called having no home training. Gretchen is pathetic if she thinks that Tamra is going to apologize. It’s not happening. If Gretchen was looking for sympathy, she lost it with me. There’s a time and place for everything, and that wasn’t it. Even if it was for Bravo, she should have stayed for a few minutes and then left.
    Alexis is still one of my favorite housewife. I don’t fault her for having nannies. If I could have afforded at least part-time help, I would have gotten it.
    As usual, Vickie is working.
    Fernanda is creepy. I don’t know why, but it’s something about her that doesn’t sit well with me.
    I miss goofy Lynn.