Ok, ladies, I’m going to level with you. I spent all of yesterday traveling back to Atlanta from New York after spending the weekend with Megs and Vlad and checking out my new apartment, and although I do have some (enumerated) thoughts about Real Housewives of Orange County for you today, I don’t have a full-on recap. I just…couldn’t. When you fly into Atlanta on an airline other than Delta, Delta gets a little vindictive and forces the airport to send you to a gate in the basement of the international terminal, even when you’re just coming from New York. I got lost in the world’s busiest airport and was viciously attacked by an automatic revolving door (by the way, WHAT IS THAT?), so I hope you understand.

And really, I couldn’t have picked a better week to slack a little bit. Last night’s episode was an utter snoozefest, and not even an international vacation or a round of unnecessary plastic surgery could keep me interested. At one point, I got distracted reading an email that I had already read once and missed at least seven minutes of the episode, but I doubt anything actually happened during that time.

1. I rarely find myself jealous of a housewife, particularly a housewife who’s gone through a foreclosure, a divorce and a very unfortunate bathtub scene on television, but I kinda totally want to go to Spain. Excuse me while a pout for a moment. (I speak Spanish! Someone send me to Spain! Tamra barely speaks English!)

2. Speaking of Tamra, I’m fairly sure that producers put her up to the mace incident from last week. They may have also put Gretchen up to the Evil Eye hat. These conflicts seem a little too convenient to me for them not to be somehow planned, and after six seasons, the Orange County wives may be running out of things to talk about amongst themselves without intervention.

3. Donn does not practice sober boating, but if I were to be in an enclosed space with Vicki with no opportunity for escape but a watery death, I might also be motivated to chug white wine and wear a funny hat.

4. The producers seem to think that we care about Gretchen outside of the context of her interactions with the other Housewives. We don’t! And by that, I mean the Royal We. So me. I don’t care. Although the whole renewal-of-vows thing seemed pretty sweet. Or it would have, if I didn’t feel fairly sure that the only reason Gretchen did it was so that it could be a storyline in the show since most of the other Housewives seem to prefer to avoid her.

5. Plastic surgery while you’re still experiencing a major clinical depressive episode seems like a terrible idea, but Peggy’s husband was clearly excited about Pegatha’s new jubblies, and since he thought it was a good idea, I’m sure it was fine. You know, just like it’s fine to treat suicidal thoughts with magic and fairy dust. And, I mean, just buy the lady some diamonds (which were probably fake) and put them in a really tacky box and give them to her while she’s still nearly passed out on anesthesia. She’ll be fine. Give the bitch some cubic zirconia. Bitches love cubic zirconia.

6. It was fitting that Alexis and Pegatha got together to talk about Peggy’s new fake titties, because between them, there’s no telling how many distinct pairs they’ve had. Alexis does get a few points for bringing over a hot dish and some sides for Peggy and her family to eat while she was recovering; the more episodes this seasons has, the more points that Alexis slowly and subtly accumulates. Although, if you’re feeling uncharitable, you may want to withhold those points because Alexis said mean things about Pegatha’s boob job. In my mind, though, points for meanness and points for truthiness cancel each other out – it was not a nice thing to say, but Peggy’s boobs didn’t look particularly wonderful on Watch What Happens Live after the episode. Alexis was right.

7. What was with Peggy’s full face of makeup and fingernail polish right before her surgery? Every time I’ve gone under the knife, even for minor oral surgery, I’ve been strictly instructed to remove all makeup, even nail polish and lip gloss, so that doctors can see your lips and nail beds and monitor them for discoloration while you’re knocked out. I smell a fake scene, people.

8. Tamra is about as sophisticated of an international traveler as any of the other Housewives who we’ve seen leave the country. This is why they hate us, people.

I surely missed some things, so I’d love to hear your reactions to this yawn-inducing episode in the comments.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • S

    I thought what Gretchen did for her parents was incredibly sweet. I don’t think she is manipulative enough to use that occasion for her own personal gain – but that may be just wishful thinking. She did seem to get emotional and it seemed genuine. However as much as I thought it was sweet, it did seem a little drawn out.

    • deejah

      I thoroughly enjoyed Slade’s faked tears when they showed the mom her new dress.

    • Sue

      I thought she had a brother. Shouldn’t he have been included?

  • Mitch

    I thought it was a bit tacky that Gretchen used a diamond her ex-husband gave her for her mother to wear as a symbol of their (her parents) love.

    • Handbag Lover

      I thought that was rude as well. She is sooooooo annoying to me. Who in the world does she think is going to buy those UGLY handbags. SMH UGH!

    • Lorie

      Thank you. I thought I was the only one who thought that was tacky.

    • Manuela

      Hmm, not sure about that. I’ve known several people who’ve reset diamonds from failed engagements/relationships into new settings for other occasions. Lemons into lemonade, so to speak (and not the way Kelly BenSimone says it)! Shame to let a good stone sit in a box somewhere.

  • C

    Gretchen has siblings, why weren’t they included in the renewal? Seems a little selfish to not have any of their family members there (&/or involved).

    • I didn’t realize she had siblings – that only makes me more convinced that the entire thing was a setup for the show.

      • A

        Of course it was a set up for the show. Which means anything Bravo didn’t pay for was a “business expense” for Gretchen…

  • Seejayluvsbags

    I thought Alexis was kind of lame for that boob comment. Each episode Peggy looks more & more like a plastic surgery freak. And you’re probably right about the earrings being fake. Plus, couldn’t her husband have WAITED until she was out of the recovery room before giving them to her? Vicki was a spoiled sport during the boat ride & really seems detached from life outside of her company. Tamra’s trip def seemed like fun but her her boyfriend is becoming annoying.

    • Sue

      Yes, Tamra’s boyfriend is goofy and annoying.

      • Ruthie

        I don’t find Eddie attractive at all–and definitely not “hot”!

  • deejah

    So am the one who thinks its weird Vicky only hires kids? None of her employees look over 24?

    I guess if you hire the ones who’s been around the block, its harder to spank them, without a getting spanked with a sexual harassment suit.

    Way to get that empire Vic!

    • Lisa in Oregon

      I thought that was really weird too. Maybe it’s because she can control kids? They’ll play along with the queen of insurance thing because they don’t know any better? So weird…

    • Someone said the same thing on Twitter the other night (that may have been you. If so, hi!), and I thought it was a good observation. I agree with Lisa – I think she does it so that because people with minimal work experience are easier to manipulate and mistreat.

  • Angie

    Even my husband (yes, my husband sometimes put up with my bad taste in TV choices!) caught on the whole make-up while having surgery thing. I have to admit, Pegatha looked much better without all that crap on her face when Alexis came over to check out her new tata’s.

  • alund

    I’ve never watched a single episode of any of the RH, but I never miss your blog since it is hysterically funny. Kudos.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Alexis can’t stand the thought of anyone looking more attractive than her. I think the subtle jabs make her feel better about herself. Very sad.

  • Sue

    On Watch What Happens Live Peggy’s boobs looked lopsided. I thought maybe it was the dress but Amanda confirmed what I thought.

    Vicki is an ass, she treated Don like he was one of her employees..oh wait never mind, she treats them better.

  • Sonja B

    okay,…must say,….Vicky,…almost, is annoying as Jill,..on RHNY,,..let me put it to ya strait ….These are women who were NEVER popular in HS,….They are soo unlikeable,…and they got their 15 mins of fame,…Bam!!!! they self destruct,….they are pathetic needy women,….who have NOTHING personality-wise to offer anyone,..They are the 45 yr old bitter cheerleader wanna-bee’s…..Pathetic,…….can still not cultivate any real real friendship’s,..have absolutely no social skills,…and act so needy and desperate,….for what they deem to be demanded respect,…Did I say pathetic?……They got shown “a lil bit of luv,” at the beginning,..now they are total monsters,……..monster’s,..I’m tellin’ ya….they have never felt this way before,…and there is a reason,….they are NOT likable people!!!! Vicky,…all of the Whooo’s,…Oh my lawd,…can’t watch/listen to,.,..can you say,…”look at me phuleese”…..and Jill,..soo desperate,…can you both say try too much!! Jill,…you wanna be Beth’y soo bad you hurt,….and no,..Vicky,..no,…Selling insurance is one step above selling (insert most boring,…fork in eye name here),….just because you say it enough to make a sane sisia vomit..does not and never will make it true!!! YOU SELL INSURANCE!!!! No great ed. skill’s there,….give it up,..you are jealous wanna be’s,….who bully every one because,..you are just,..and only that,..bully’s,….LMAO!!,…maybe it’s “systemic Bullying”!!!!

  • Misty

    I met Vickie at a social event last year and she is really nice in person. What you see on television is just an act for these bimbos.

  • KaylaNiche

    Boring episode. I’m going to give the RHOC one more episode to win me back as a viewer. They’re just really dry this yr. And Vicki’s work-work-work attitude is grating. We get it. You love work. I’m happy that she’s making her $$$ but sheesh, enough already. Slade and Gretchen are seriously making my gag reflexes work overtime. They are just gross. Poor Gretchen’s mom getting the upcycled diamonds…how dreadful. Why not sell the diamonds, then purchase a new ring?! C’mon, ppl!! I’m genuinely happy for Tamra though. I just HOPE this is a real romance and this boy isn’t stringing her along for the cameras….we’ll see I guess.

    Great review as always!!

  • EllenBakes

    This was a very weird episode. I had a definite cobbled together and contrived feeling. Actually more than a feeling. I hated the Gretchen/anniversary BS was tacky and sad.

    I think an international trip is now an obligatory part of the Real Housewives formula, which wouldn’t be so bad if the “housewives” didn’t come off so badly. And no worries Tamra, Eddie will have those kids after he’s settled down with Mr. Right.

    Vicky was always my first housewife, but the strain of her having nothing in her life except for work is painful to watch. Her martyr shoes, though Prada, are pinching.

    Peggy, I don’t know what to say about her anymore. All the drama about getting a damn boob job. Alexis and Peggy aren’t friends, they’re “frenemies.” The amount of one up tit ship was exhausting.

    OC…it may be time for a list…you’re episodes are sagging.

  • EllenBakes

    oh the typos…geez sorry.

    “first housewife” s/b “favorite housewife”
    “it may be time for a list” s/b “it may be time for a lift”

    Oh and PS, the whole reason why Gretchen did what she did for her parents was because Bravo paid for it. And Gretchen, hon, when people talk about you integrity probably doesn’t come up AT ALL. I would wager words beginning with different letters come up first.

  • Ping

    I skipped this episode because the RHOC has deviated so much from the original ones it’s not even funny. Whether these blonde plastic girls are nice or not, it is irrelevant as they are so boring and contrived. I agree w/ Ellenbakes that watching Vicki do nothing but work is just pathetic and frankly sad. I’m glad she is making money, but the whole point of making money is to enjoy life. None of these freaks are enjoying their lives (despite their constant harping on how good life is). Frankly i would not trade my life with any of theirs.

  • Mochababe73

    Gretchen asked her ex could she use the diamonds, and he gave her the okay. Better someone use it than for the diamonds to sit there collecting dust.
    Vicki is going to wake up one day and find that all she has is work. Donn is gone, and eventually, her kids will be as well. I already see Brianna making moves to go as far away from her mother as possible.
    Peggy’s husband told the doctor that one boobie looked bigger than the other. Doc said that women naturally have one slightly larger than the other. While this is true and most of us don’t notice it, if her husband noticed it, then maybe Peggy should have used Alexis’ doctor.
    Tamra and Eddie won’t last. If he really wants a biological baby, being with a 42 year old woman that has four children is not exactly a good option. He needs someone at least 25-30. Tamra clearly doesn’t want anymore children. By the way, I still think that Eddie’s gay. My gaydar on him is in overdrive!
    I still like Alexis, but I think that Peggy is the one making it competitive. Even though Alexis didn’t think that Peggy had a good boobie job, she didn’t say it to her face. Pegs is creating drama and competition that, in my eyes, that isn’t there.

    • Alena

      Great observation and comment! Totally agree

  • adrienne z

    have to wait for the rerun – missed most of the episode, although it seems like i didn’t miss much…

  • Purse Mommy

    Lopsided boobies shouldn’t happen AFTER a boob job. The doctor should’ve fixed it during the surgery. Alexis was right. Oh last week Peggy and Tamra said they were 3 and 5 yrs younger than their mates. Who believes that crap.

    • kate w.

      Peggy and Tamra said they were 3 and 5 years older, not younger. They said their significant others were younger than them.

  • Nancy from SB

    Was no one as offended and shocked as I was when Vicki SPANKED her employee? That is most certainly illegal, and if Vicki were a man (and that’s not a stretch) she would be in jail for doing that to a female subordinate. Sick, sick, sick! Watching that poor girls face was cringe-inducing. Then, to make matters worse, Vicki KISSES her and said something about love and family…. Ugh!

  • Lorie

    Ok, Vicki is THE WORST housewife of all time in my opinion. She freaking SPANKED an employee? Seriously??? There is no way in h…. that a boss would ever lay a hand on me like that without drawing back a bloody stub. That was the last straw for me with Vicki. I hope Donn is happier and peaceful now and that he finds someone who loves and appreciates him. Clearly, the only person Vicki truly loves is herself. And come on, insurance is not that interesting. I worked in an insurance office for a year. I cried every day before I went to work. It was the most BORING, superficial, life-sucking job I ever had. No one stayed at our office until 1 a.m. There wasn’t that much work to do. You sell, you fill out the paperwork, collect the money, deliver policies, you go to the next person. What is she doing until 1 a.m. in that office? I truly can’t stand Vicki.

    I don’t like Tamra’s boy toy, but I would let him take me to Spain – as long as he kept his various body parts off of me. Spain is completely gorgeous. Eddie is creepy. He strikes me as the guy who was ugly in high school and never had dates, but who cleaned up, buffed up a little and got a really good job after high school and Tamra is like his first “pretty” girlfriend. Although, I do have to say that they seem to be very compatible and truly enjoy each other’s company (and not just on the kitchen table). So whatever. If they’re happy, more power to them.

    Alexis is so jealous of Peggy. Seriously. Thank the heavens that we are being spared from having to watch Earth Jesus as much. He must be extremely busy spending the money he doesn’t have or making new rules for Alexis to follow.

    In my opinion, the most interesting housewife is Slade. I wonder why he is pushing so hard to marry Gretchen? There must be some kind of monetary gain that we don’t know about. I can’t imagine the Gretchen Christine Beaute crap or her music career is raking in the dough. I smell money hiding somewhere, and I think Slade smells it too.

    • Ruthie

      Enjoyed your comments, Lorie. My thoughts exactly!

    • kate w.

      Yeah, I’ve always wondered where Gretchen’s money comes from…she seems to live in a house that’s quite nice, if not the size of Alexis’s.

    • Manuela

      Lorie, I’d read that Jim didn’t like the way he was portrayed on the last season and wouldn’t agree to be to filmed as often this season. Supposedly, he’d said at first he wouldn’t be filmed at all but came around to agree to a little airtime. Thank heavens for small favors.

  • c.c.

    Don’t they have decent hairstylists in OC? All of their hair looks over-bleached and fried.

  • Cat

    What is wrong with Gretchen’s skin? Her face is starting to look like Vicki’s.

  • Manuela

    Gretchen’s skin is looking quite bad for such a young woman. I was thinking she may want to buy a little of what Ramona’s selling. The skincare line, I mean, not the wine. Okay, maybe the wine, too.

    Gretchen was really, really out of line with her passive-aggressive baloney directed at Slade this episode. I agree with many other posters that while Slade is a wee bit repugnant, he didn’t deserve the constant put-downs leveled at him in almost every scene. And darn it, Gretchen was handing one mini-tubby dog to Slade while hurling insults at him and Slade was trying to watch another mini-tubby dog on the scale and dodge those insults! Slade doesn’t multitask well; I blame Gretchen for the first tubby dog doing a faceplant on the floor. One thing at a time, please!