Well, here we are again. Bravo was nice enough to give as a new episode of Real Housewives of Orange County on Easter (and during Passover!), just in case we had built up enough faith and/or warm fuzzies from spending holidays with our families to think for a moment that humanity isn’t actually doomed. And it is, obviously, based on the mere existence of Peggy and Micah. I suppose you could count the reminder as a public service.

So, what did we learn last night? Well, lots of stuff, but most of it wasn’t a surprise. Gretchen only wants gifts that involve diamonds, Alexis doesn’t know what couture means, and Vicki thinks that her 23-year-old daughter should check in with her nightly while she’s on vacation in Las Vegas. But really, Peggy and her husband were too cringe-inducingly embarrassing for me to even contemplate most of the rest of our Housewives.

We started with Slade and Gretchen, who are speaking to each other once again and on their way to LA for Gretchen’s birthday. The only interesting thing they talked about on the drive was that Slade paints naked in the garage, which is only interesting if you use an extremely broad definition of the word. Gretchen thinks that Slade should do it to make money because he can’t get a real job, which once again brings into question whether or not Gretchen really knows what a job is. She doesn’t appear to have one either, so I’d say that her knowledge of the subject is limited at best.

Next were Vicki and Alexis, who got together to bury the hatchet and both disown the whole mace incident. Once they stopped talking about Tamra and her inappropriateness and started talking about business, Vicki got a little bit holier-than-thou about how successful she is and how Alexis will surely fail, and while I agree that Alexis Couture (yes, it’s called that) will probably never get off the ground, what Vicki does isn’t really rocket science. She sells insurance. And that’s fine! A lot of people are very successful in that industry, but let’s not pretend that she’s Warren Buffett or anything. She has a normal job.

But let’s talk about the name of Alexis’ clothing line, which is really the best part of the whole conversation. Not only is it the most mind-numbingly obvious name she could have chosen, but her clothing line now shares a moniker with a plus-size hardcore porn star. Yep, ladies, I Googled so that you don’t have to. And trust me, you’d rather not. Too bad Alexis didn’t bother to hop on the computer for a second before she named the line. But she couldn’t even be bothered to look up the definition of “couture,” so I’m not surprised. And, I mean, that would have required literacy. I’ve still seen no evidence that Alexis can read.

In other news, Gretchen and Slade finally got to Los Angeles and Slade’s birthday surprise for Gretchen was…painter pants. High-waisted, white Dickies. Because they’re going to paint together, an activity in which Gretchen has never shown a single ounce of interest. As much as I think that Gretchen is a total tool, it was a nice reminder that when Gretchen shuts up for long enough, Slade fills the silence by being a total tool as well. Except…maybe not! Or at least not this time.

Slade conned his artist friend in LA to paint a portrait of Gretchen, which was way better than the portrait of Sonja that we saw on Real Housewives of New York last week. And that one was painted by a guy who was sleeping with her, which makes it extra insulting that the freebie was better. Slade actually getting a job would have been even better, but I guess when you’re dating a deadbeat Real Househusband, a free painting is all you can hope for. In the end, it was actually pretty sweet. Plus, he got a haircut. Its the gift that keeps on giving!

We then accompanied Pegatha and Micah to check out catering options for their pool party, and they visited famous chef Susan Feniger at Border Grill to talk about food. Except…they don’t want Mexican food. THE RESTAURANT IS CALLED BORDER GRILL, PEGATHA. What did you expect, Chinese? Does California have any international borders besides Mexico? Have I somehow forgotten where California is? Is having a “celebrity chef” more important than actually having any idea what food you’re serving at a party? (Well, the answer to that last one is easy. Yes. YES. When the word “celebrity” is involved with these broads, the answer is always “yes.”)

Pegatha actually wasn’t the embarrassing person during most of the interaction, mostly because she doesn’t eat food, just vitamins and air, so she didn’t care what kind of catering they had as long as a famous chef was attached to it. Her husband was the real jackass, complaining that Mexican food is just for backyard barbecues, that skirt steak is fattier than filet, and that flan is…flan. And flan is icky, according to him, and more importantly, it is not the same as the fried Oreos that he had in Vegas one time. He wanted Susan Feniger to make him fried Oreos because Mexican food is just not classy enough for his delicate palate. I had a boyfriend like him when I was 19. No matter where we went, he ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. I could have taken that asshole to La Bernardin, and he would have ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. Being attached to That Guy got old really quickly; Peggy married That Guy.

At Vicki’s house, Brianna was getting ready to go to Vegas and her mom was giving her the rufie lecture for what I’m sure was the 487th time in her life. She had an uncle who got rufied (do men really get rufied?), so, you know, watch out! Don’t drink alcohol! Don’t have sex! Don’t get a tattoo! Don’t be an adult in any way! And surely don’t date a firefighter, which Brianna is doing. He called while Vicki was in the middle of her lecture, and she had no idea why Brianna wasn’t ready to bring him home to meet her yet. Apparently no one has bothered to tell Vicki that she’s the kind of mother whose kids end up getting married in Vegas and moving to a fundamentalist compound in Utah, never to be seen or heard from again, just so they never have to bring their boyfriends home to meet mom.

Then we caught up with Tamra and Peggy, who had been asked to walk in an alter-ego fashion show for some OC designer who was looking to get her name on TV. At first, the biggest problem was that Peggy’s brand new fake titties look incredibly painful and obvious and that Tamra is unable to walk on command, but then Jeanna arrived and things got…weird. Really weird. I’ve always been a fan of Jeanna, but she’s apparently close friends with Simon and said some incredibly nasty things about Tamra’s divorce. Maybe if she likes Simon so much she should marry him. You’d think that someone who spent so much time in an emotionally abusive relationship would be more sensitive.

Things quickly moved on to Alexis and Alexis Couture, the clothing line whose owner does not know what “couture” means. Literally, they asked her and she had no idea. That didn’t stop her from sticking her name on it, naturally, because it was someone else’s work anyway, so why would something like a pesky little word get in the way? What did it matter? In fact, just to prove how much it didn’t matter, Alexis took a pair of office scissors to the arm of one of her sample dresses to cut off the big sleeves (cutting off sleeves is how Alexis shows dominance), which were the one detail that even made the design vaguely interesting. Other than that, it was just a sequin minidress. Not that it was particularly brilliant with the sleeves, but I guess what we’re dealing with here is degrees of awfulness. When asked to pick between “regular awful” and “circus awful,” I’ll choose “circus awful” every day of the week.

Next, let’s all collectively mark off “fashion show” on our Official Real Housewives Bingo Cards, because it was time for the main event. Peggy was super excited to pretend to be a model again, Jeanna was busy trying to scope out the competition and find out the dirt about everyone’s lives, and Tamra was so scared to be in front of a room of people that she looked like she might wet herself. This, from the woman who practically had bathtub sex on camera a few weeks ago.

True to form, though, once Tamra got out there in front of the crowd, she was a total ham, down to flashing the Lindsay Lohan peace sign at the end of the runway. Peggy was the real runway story, though, with what Tamra accurately described as a runway pimp walk. It looked as though she had a limp, but not a regular limp. An arm limp. Is that even a thing? As Gay Uncle Andy helpfully suggested on Watch What Happens Live, perhaps Peggy’s new boobs have thrown off her center of gravity.

While all of this was going on in the OC, Brianna was in Vegas trying to piss off her mother by smoking hookah, drinking a few cocktails and getting hit on by a couple of girls. She then took off her shoes and walked back to her room a little toasty and didn’t answer her mom’s phone call. If this is Vegas-style scandal, Vicki would have popped a vein in her forehead over the average Saturday night activities at my college. And just for the record, hookah is not a scandalous activity. Hookah is actually kind of lame, in that it doesn’t get you drunk or noticeably high or cause you to lose all your money or sleep with a hooker, so it’s actually just about the most harmless thing you can do in Vegas.

We finished up the show with Fernanda, who owns her own gym with her ex-wife, and Lynn, who had limited her Quaalude intake enough that day so that she could stand up straight and form full thoughts. And all of those full thoughts were about Tamra, who was supposed to show up to work out with them but flaked. Apparently Fernanda and Tamra had shared some sort of sapphic makeout moment a year and a half prior while both of them were married, and Fernanda thought that they kind of had a moment. I would have assumed that Fernanda had been around the lesbian block enough times to know that some married woman who wants to kiss you when she’s drunk does not a meaningful moment make, but I guess everyone has a different learning curve.

Fernanda’s ex-wife was predictably upset to find that she had been cheated on, since this was the first time she was hearing about it, which apparently means that we’re now announcing infidelity on Real Housewives. So, you know, make a new spot on the bingo card for that one. It’ll surely come up later; these things always do.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • S

    Loved the recap! I liked that dress (if at all) after the sleeves were cut off because I thought it was too formal to pull off those sleeves. I understand that Alexis’s name is on the line, but the way she cut those sleeves was a tad harsh.
    Once again Vicki showed me why I dislike her. She sits on her throne and tells everyone to work and then she has the nerve to question Alexis about her age because Vicki can and she’s a “big girl.” This is why women get a bad rap in business – people like Vicki can’t stand it when others try to emulate success. Lets be real, Vicki’s business took off because she’s on a show – the same show that Alexis is on. And Vicki attempted a jean line a while back – so why can’t Alexis make a dress line? Even if Vicki can sew, did she sew her own jeans before putting them on the internet to sell them?

  • Jackie Esq

    Scathing and brilliant, Amanda. You are amazing!

  • Amy

    I would watch an entire episode of Brianna mouthing off to Vicki. Paraphrasing: Roofiecoladas are my favorite! and I’m in Vegas, I gotta get married, roofied, or tattooed just to tick off my mom. Vicki’s lucky she’s a good enough girl to not do something crummy just to spite her because, I gotta tell you, I might crack if I were Brianna. I guess that’s why/how she can hold her liquor – drinking to soften mom’s edges leads to high tolerance?

    • It’s amazing that Brianna is a functional human being with a full-time job when you consider that she was raised by Vicki, which has to be basically similar to being raised by a pack of hyenas.

      • suz

        And, doesn’t she do something worthwhile? I think I remember her in scrubs.

      • Yep, I believe she’s an ER nurse.

      • Matthew

        I’m pretty sure Brianna is my favorite person on any of the Housewives shows. And yes, when you consider what (whom) she had to deal with while growing up, it’s quite remarkable that she’s sane.

  • Chicky

    I have to laugh at the roofie concern since Tamra got rufied in NYC recently and she has a good 20 years on Brianna. Age does not always bring wisdom.

    Did anyone catch the exchange between Slade and Gretchen when he was holding up the painting in the bathroom? He said “my princess…my throne” and she laughed. I guess it’s ok for Slade to call her a princess but Alexis gets ripped a new one when SHE calls Gretchen a princess.

    And so good to know that Tamra pees a little when she does jumping jacks.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    My husband happened to be in the TV room when I turned on the DVR to watch this. When Pegatha and Micah seemed annoyed that the chef only prepared mexican food, I started laughing. Even my husband, half watching, said “They said the restaurant is called Border Grill, right?” Guess the new twins have fuzzied both their minds. The fried oreo was just too much. He wants it classy and not pool party-esque, but it’s okay to throw in a dessert from the state fair.
    Jugs for Jesus, the fashion designer, was absolutely cringe-worthy. I could not believe she cut the “real” designer’s dress right in front of her. Whether or not she liked the design is a moot point. It was completely disrespectful. Actually, it was downright MEAN.

    • Stephanie

      Thanks for the laugh!!!! The jugs for Jesus comment was hilarious:)

  • Kjon

    Question: Do anybody think that when Alexis starts talking about Jesus and God, that she seems to really just sound ridiculous? I’m not saying that religion is ridiculous, just the way she talks about it. Does anyone know what I mean though? Maybe it’s being from Colorado Springs and all that I expect people to have a little bit more insight on their piety than she does. She says, “I try to do what Jesus would do everyday.” (?!) but I wonder if she really knows WWJD or just what Jim wants her to do.

    Basically she seems a little clueless on religion IMHO.

  • F

    I’m totally ashamed to let you all how much Bravo I watch. But I think that painter appeared on “Millionaire Matchmaker” when it took place in LA, meaning that this episode had 2 crossover shows. (Hanging head in shame.) And maybe Micah and Peggy thought that Border Grill had something to do with books? Like maybe burning them? (Food for thought.)

    • Manuela

      One of the contestants on “Date My Ex” was in the running to be Failed Date of the Episode on “Millionaire Matchmaker” as well. And one “Millionaire Matchmaker” client appeared as a friend of Ramona’s on last yearls season of RHONY.

      I’m emabarrassed I know these things.

  • Kristen

    Another amazing recap from Amanda! & I 100% agree with Lisa in Oregon! I was going to say how horrifying it was that Jesus Barbie cut that dress sleeve in front on the poor designer begging her to stop so she could “show dominance.” What a sicko. And the state fair Oreo comment was right on as well. Micah has proved to be a complete moron. But hey, and least Gretchen reclaimed her rightful throne that she sat on in the pictures released of her a year ago…the toilet.

  • dickens

    What was Brianna smoking in the hookah?

    • Hookahs generally contain flavored loose-leaf tobacco. Most bars that have hookahs have a list of things you can choose from, all completely legal and no fun.

  • Irene

    Amanda…BRILLIANT!!!!! Your recaps are great.

  • Mochababe73

    A hookah is harmless.
    I would be in Vegas everyday if that meant getting away from Vicki. Brianna appears to be responsible and have her head on straight. However, I would have loved for Brianna to come home with a husband.
    Tamra continues to embarass herself. What I find so funny is that on FB she said that OC used to be a family show. What happened? Ummmm…did she forget about her soft core porn bathtub scene with “Still in the Closet” Eddie. What about the body shots?
    Although I didn’t like her method, Alexis is putting up the front money for HER dress line. The designer is to paid to make the dresses whether or not she agrees with Alexis. Personally, I’m glad she’s hands on. Let us not forget about the disaster that was She by Sheree.
    I thought what Slade did was cute. At least her painting looked like her unlike Sonja’s. Gretchen must have had a blonde moment when she thought that her man should have given her jewelry. Didn’t she just say that he had no money, no job.
    Fernanda is crazy, and if I were Tamra, I would watch out.
    Peggy and her husband remind me of LuAnn’s song-Money Can’t Buy You Class. And, maybe Alexis was right. She should have used her plastic surgeon.
    Loved seeing Lynn. I hope that her daughters are doing well.
    LOVE your recaps.

  • adrienne z

    thanks for the recap! I love to wait for the rerun so the little details come out that might have been overlooked the first time.
    I think Brianna is just gorgeous and seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

  • Cat

    OMG. Peggy’s boobs are gross.

  • suz

    Caught the show last night on a rerun. Yetch….Peggy’s boobs are just plain scary…..made me think the classic movie alien was trying to escape from her chest…..But then, the entire “fashion show” scene was kind of a freak show….Night of the Living Dead meets Barbie Doll. I think even Gretchen recognized her portrait was gawd awful….and so very large. I’m thinking Alexis should be looking for a new designer. That sparkly Morticia/batwing dress was beyond the Transylvanian pale. Cutting the sleeves was an improvement, but if you’re going to put your name on a line of clothes, maybe it should start with something less appalling.

    Love the recap…and, and as usual, better than the show.

  • Gracie

    i agree Peggy’s boobs are sooo gross. they are lopsided and did anyone see the large vein?? LOL. Amanda your recaps are great.

    • suz

      Yes……really awful!

  • Hannah

    ROFL i dated the asshole chicken sandwich guy too!!! that made me laugh sooooo hard because you are SOOO right!! hahahaahh

    and Quaalude intake! hahahahah I am in the library studying for finals, and I couldn’t help but bust out laughing reading this recap! spot on! amazing!

  • Blaine

    Amanda by having me in stitches I am in danger of actually ripping out my stitches. You have eclipsed yourself. Absolutely hysterical.

  • CacklingHens

    Pegatha’s walk was weird. What was with the hand going up and down like that, and she fancies herself a model. Wow! Her face and boobs scare me.

    Tamra loves attention, she was acting as if she was shy but as soon as she got onstage she was acting like the attention wh0re we all knew she is.

    Vicki is crazy, that story about the Uncle getting roofied made me cringe, I cannot imagine that happening, that must have been painful. I like Brianna, she seems like a nice level headed girl. With a mother like Vicki, I would move to Vegas to be far away from her.

    The way Alexis cut that sleeve off was so mean. She could have left the dress alone and told the designer to make another one without the sleeves. She begged her not to cut it and she just went ahead and did it. That made me so mad. The dress was awful but it seems as if it took a lot of work and that alone should be respected. Alexis Couture, it’s a shame Jesus Barbie didn’t know she was naming her dress line after a porn start. That’s funny.

    Gretchen and Slade’s relationship seems like Karma. A gold digger ending up with a broke as$. A disrespectful prick ending up with someone who calls him Tubba Wubba to his face and in public. They deserve each other.

    • Carolina_Cutie

      LOL CacklingHens!!! That last comment was pure comedic gold!

  • Jenn-christine

    My boyfriend has FORBID me to watch anything with the name “Housewives” in the title! I DVR-ed it and it was erased as soon as he got home last nite LOL Thankfully for your re-caps I get all the deets anyway :)
    I could not believe Be-jesus lover’s definition for couture!! Idiots all, I swear!!

    • adrienne z

      you need a different boyfriend. anyone that stifles what you enjoy is controlling and mentally abusive. get rid of him!

      • Nancy from SB

        Thank you Adrienne Z for pointing this out….what is scary is that this viewer seems to think it is cute that her boyfriend is so controlling. Please look online for “signs of an abuser”. Lots of good info, and “controlling” is number one on every list.

    • Manuela

      I hope Jenn-Christine was being sarcastic. I can’t comment personal state of her relationship otherwise, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want any of us to detract from RHOC to do so…

  • Matthew

    OK, so Fernanda may have slightly cheated on her wife by kissing Tamra a year and a half ago. But they’re divorced now. Who really cares? You got divorced because it didn’t work out. Why get mad when things are already over? Seems pointless to me.

  • mirna

    Is it just me or is Peggy really annoying and boring? I actually fast forward my tevo when she’s on.

  • Missy

    As I was watching this episode I found myself thinking several times, ‘I can’t wait to see what Amanda writes about this!’. The BEST moment for me was Peggy’s arm on the runway, quite the model.

  • Pam

    Peggy’s boobs looked so fake. I bet there is so much scar tissue from her multiple surgeries that they will never move again. When I worked in the ICU area, we could always tell the old fashioned boob jobs. Peggy’s boobs are circa 1965 just like her.

  • adrienne z

    @Nancy B
    Thank you for responding. I’ve been checking back to see if Jenn-Christine has responded to my comment – I’m in fear for her.
    You’re so right – her thinking his erasing her DVD before she even got to see it is cute is very alarming. She has no idea what she’s in for. I’ m assuming she is very young and hasn’t had to rely on life’s experiences to guide her in making the right choices for Herself yet.
    Whether or not he has been physically abusive yet or not, it is almost eminent just in her comment alone.
    I hope that sooner than later, and before much heartache and angst sets in, she sees the big picture and lays plans to make changes in her concept of what a relationship should be.