If last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County taught us anything, it’s that listening to our cast of Orange County ladies talk about sex is perhaps the least sexy thing ever. Other casts have made sex a regular topic of conversation, most notably the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but even the utterly graphic content of their conversations doesn’t measure of to listening to Alexis talk about tying up Earth Jesus.

Although I think it’s safe to say that Alexis has never actually done that, or at least not since before he put a ring on it. No, last night’s episode was all about sex that none of them are likely having. Well, except for Tamra. We know she’s having it because she gave us a handy-dandy demonstration on camera.

The day started with Gretchen and Alexis headed over to meet Peggy in Gretchen’s new Mercedes convertible. They argued a bit about whether or not Gretchen is a princess but quickly bonded over the presence of the new Benz, which is of providence unknown since it’s not entirely clear what Gretchen or Slade do for money. Other than Real Housewives and the occasional TurboTax commercial, naturally. Her makeup line can’t be turning a profit, can it? If it is, then I have a new makeup line I’d like to talk to you ladies about.

Anyway, the three of them went shoe shopping so that Gretchen and Peggy could make friends, but it seemed more like they were making frienemies. Peggy said that Gretchen looked like she was from Texas, Gretchen said that she hated when older women wear miniskirts, everyone at home breathed a sigh of relief for not having to be friends with either of them. Mostly I thought it was hilarious to hear someone that looks like the most enormous Orange County cliche that I can even conceptualize use another place as an insult to someone’s look. If I had to decide between looking like I’m from Texas and looking like I’m from whatever planet Peggy’s on, I’d choose Texas in a heartbeat. The higher the hair, the closer to God, y’all.

Back in Coto, Vicki was harassing some Latino remodelers by making the most offensive attempt at gringo Spanglish I’ve ever heard. They were there to fix some things that only needed fixing in Vicki’s mind in an attempt to get the house ready to put on the market. In the process of explaining the construction that’s going on at her home, Vicki casually mentioned that Donn really didn’t want to move but that it was her life and she would do as she pleased. You know, in case anyone was wondering why she’s getting divorced…

Back with Peggy, Alexis and Gretchen, the girls had left the shoe store to have lunch. Before any orders could even be placed, the girls started arguing over who is friends with whom because Gretchen doesn’t have any kids and therefore cannot compete in the usual Mommy Olympics. Alexis insisted that she hates Vicki but has nothing against Tamra, and naturally Gretchen took exception with her ambivalence toward the Tamrabeast. Gretchen is one of those people who thinks that once she decides she doesn’t like someone, everyone she knows is required to hate that person too. And those friends are just so much fun to have.

One of the ladies (I’m not sure which one, but someone let me know so I can stab her if I ever find her) decided to diffuse the situation by saying something crass about sex in order to throw Gretchen off the topic, which worked beautifully. The only thing Gretchen loves to talk about more than Tamra is Slade’s dick, which is apparently magic, but I don’t want to think about what she said hard enough to write about it. And then it turned into a contest between Peggy and Alexis over who has had more sex in their respective closets, and in order to win the imaginary sex competition, Alexis started talking about tying Jim to a chair. And then I don’t know what happened because I blacked out for a few minutes from pure revulsion.

Elsewhere, Vicki and Tamra were having a far less disgusting meal. It was a little sad, though – they talked about how sick Vicki is of living in her house and how disgusting and awful divorce is. Tamra brightened when she mentioned going on her first vacation with her boyfriend, and she suggested that she and Vicki take a trip to Cabo to get away from the stress of home life. And that’s a great suggestion, because we all know how entertaining it is when our Housewives go free-range. Scary Island, anyone?

Over at Alexis’ place, her family was getting ready to go on a short trip to San Diego. And really, that seemed like a surprisingly reasonable choice for someone with three small children and high-maintenance packing habits. I surely expected Alexis to be the type to visit the curse of her poorly behaved children on a hundred unsuspecting airplane passengers for five or so hours without a second thought. Considering how much Jim didn’t help with anything related to the preparation process, though, perhaps Alexis is more realistic than she sometimes seems.

In sharp contrast to Alexis’ use of logic and common sense, Peggy has some opinions on medical science and antibiotics, and isn’t that adorable? I’m sure she’s an absolute expert, what with all her medical degrees and clinical research experience. Oh, what’s that? She’s not a doctor? She’s an aging model? Oh. Well, I mean, if her mother-in-law told her that a sparkly slap bracelet works better than antibiotics, she has to be right. She used a potato analogy and made Peggy pee in a cup and everything. That’s science, you guys, and anyone who believes otherwise is nothing but a zombified slave to the Pharmaceutical-Industrial Complex. Now let me hook this piece of tinfoil up to my laptop and cure AIDS real quick.

Enough of that, back to the vacation talk. Slade and Gretchen were off to a little getaway as well. Because not even the cameramen can stand to watch them for too long, the episode quickly switched back to Alexis and her brood while they carefully unloaded the dozen pieces of luggage that required two cars to move from Orange County to San Diego. When all was said and done, it became clear that the single piece of luggage that had been forgotten belonged to the nanny. Which isn’t particularly surprising when you consider that Alexis said over and over again that there were five people going on the trip to San Diego, which doesn’t even account for the nanny’s existence.

On another vacation elsewhere, Gretchen and Slade accidentally knocked a bike off the back of their car because Slade didn’t tie it down well enough, which resulted in Gretchen doing the I-told-you-so dance and Slade having a toddler tantrum just as they arrived at the house of Gretchen’s friends. Even their dogs know that they’re idiots, because they hid under the car while the whole drink-spilling, embarrassing scene went down.

Back in San Diego, Alexis and Jim went shopping. Jim bought himself $27,000 worth of watches. Their house is currently in foreclosure, just in case anyone was wondering. Too bad you can’t pay a house payment with an overpriced watch. Or two. He has two, would anyone like to buy them? I’m sure he’d give you a very reasonable price. Actually, he’d probably try to sell them to you for more than he paid and then go back out and buy more useless crap for himself with the money instead of, I don’t know, making a mortgage payment.

Next, we finally got to meet Tamra’s boyfriend Eddie, who is genuinely pretty hot. (Latin men: I highly recommend them.) He still needs to work on his wardrobe, just like the rest of the people on this show, but he is a sure and clear improvement over Simon. They fawned over each other at dinner like teenagers, which was kind of gross and probably unfortunate for the friend who was dining with them, but I couldn’t help but feel a little happy for Tamra. Simon seemed like such an emotionally abusive scumbag that her penchant to act out at the other women was somewhat predictable, and hopefully she’ll continue to act like something resembling a human being now that she has more support.

We then caught up with Gretchen, who was at dinner with Slade and her friends. She immediately set out to convince us that she and Slade totally deserve each other by calling him fat and browbeating him for ordering a meal with carbohydrates, paying no mind to the embarrassment that might cause him in front of her friends or the cameras. We all thought that Slade was the odious one in that relationship, but as it turns out, Gretchen is giving him a run for his money.

It takes a truly nasty person to call your significant other fat and make him justify his meal choice to you in general, but in front of your friends and a camera crew takes it to another level. She went for extra points by saying that she didn’t want to marry Slade because that would just encourage him to get fat and complacent. If that were to happen, she would like the opportunity to dump him. Apparently Gretchen has never heard of divorce and thinks that the only sure way to guarantee an exit in marriage is to marry someone with a terminal illness. (Too soon?)

The next scene was nasty in an entirely different way, because then Tamra got in the tub. Yep, it was the scene that we had all been promised, and as it turns out, we had more or less seen the entire thing in commercials already. Well, except the part where Eddie chugs a glass of red wine before hopping in the bathtub. That was kind of a nice detail. The whole thing was mercifully short and Tamra’s floating tatas were mercifully blurred, but the old LOLCat is still true:

It was awkward and unpleasant to watch two genuinely naked people roll around in a bathtub on Real Housewives, but look on the bright side: Neither of those naked people was Earth Jesus. Or Tamra’s ex-husband, for that matter.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • angie

    I was just wondering if anyone could tell me the make & model of the handbag that Peggy was carrying in this episode???

    • I honestly have no idea. I thought it might be Gucci or Louis Vuitton, but it didn’t really look much like either. Wouldn’t surprise me if it were actually a Guess bag or something.

    • A

      I was wondering that too, it looked like LV but not really. I kept trying to get a better look at it!

  • bb

    This show is awful!!! These women don’t even live on this planet. I mean really, I don’t want to know about any of their bedroom stuff. The comment about the cat ….funnnnnny!!!! Amanda, you are so much more entertaining than anything on this show!!! They need to do a show called “A Week in the Life of a Blogger” and watch you watching these shows. I bet we would be rolling watching you watching them!!!! JUST A THOUGHT!!!!!

  • PhotoGirl

    Turned on Bravo just in time for that last scene, Amanda. Oh my damn! Please pass the brain bleach.
    Excellent recap (of course.) Thank you for watching this so that I don’t have to!

    • JenG

      Brain Bleach! Good one!

  • S

    That last scene was awful! I turned off the tv. I was really surprised about the way Gretchen treated Slade – it seemed like the way Vicki would treat Donn. And I’ll say it again, I actually like Alexis. I hardly ever see her say anything negative about anyone with the exception of Vicki. But if someone referred to my husband as “a smelly dork” and then called me “classless trash” I’d probably roll my eyes every time her name came up. And I really could care less if Alexis is preachy about her religion. To me its equivalent to Vicki talking about her work, Gretchen talking about sex and Tamra talking trash.

  • Yun

    I did not know Jim and Alexis are in forclosure!!! And they live and act like some big shots! Whoa, unbelievable!!

    • c.c.

      I thought when they were together Tamara and Simon had financial problems as well. They had to sell their house, remember?

      How does she afford all this?

      BTW, what happened to the dark haired housewife (forget her name) that had the two drunky daughters? She’s off?

      • you mean airheaded Lynn

    • Pam

      The Orange County Register reported they were able to do a short sale.

  • Anna

    LOL – I needed a good laugh with this cat poster. Thank you. you make my mondays! Great re-cap as always and no not too early for Gretchen joke. She deserved that one.

  • suz

    Nothing, absolutely nothing about this makes me want to watch the show…..but I still love the recaps!! Thanks.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Oh holy hell I was in heaven during the WHOLE episode. It was like one hilarious slap after another. Can I get a show of hands as to who else thinks the whole tub scene was a giant *F* you to Simon? I think it was for Simon’s benefit only.

    I can’t decide if I liked Peggy’s mother-in-law hooking up the tinfoil bracelt and then ‘downloading’ special powers to it better than the entire Earth Jesus in San Diego debacle. It’s a really hard call. That Alexis has soooo sold herself to the highest bidder, it’s unbelievable! To put up with Earth Jesus’ obnoxious (and ugly!) self is just too much. For a diamond ring? Really? To refer to herself as an accessory? To say she deserves a diamond ring for being her awesome self? Earth Jesus is just disgusting and if Alexis is stupid enough to let him control her under the guise of his religion, then she deserves everything he dishes out.

    • What I’ve never understood about Earth Jesus and Alexis from the beginning is that she could do so much better. Yeah, Earth Jesus has (or had) a little money, but Alexis is genuinely hot and seems to suffer fools gladly, so couldn’t she have found someone who’s not so completely revolting? There are plenty of rich men out there, it’s not like he was the only one available! Maybe she decided not to hedge her bets and just take the first opportunity that came along.

    • Pam

      Did Earth Jesus buy the ring? I think he just teased her with it and then had the jeweler put away.

      • Lorie

        I thought I saw her wearing that ring on WWHL after the show, but it could have been a smaller, similar one. Did anyone else see that?

      • Manuela

        Alexis said on WWH that Jim did not buy her the ring. She then said (quite reasonably) that she didn’t expect her husband to buy her every little bauble and shiny thing that caught her eye; he’s generous enough as it is.

        I said it was reasonable, I didn’t say I believed it…

  • shallowgal

    wow. Am I the only one that got a totally gay vibe from Eddie? There’s no way that guy is straight.
    Alexis is constantly backpedaling in her commentary ~ pretty much calling EJ a controlling jerk but saying she just loves everything about her life. The less I see of him, the better.
    Slade? / time for my Silkwood shower. /shiver.
    Donn’s the only one worth a damn and looks like he finally wised up and left the woman who “doesn’t care what anyone else thinks”.
    whew. Bring back BH, soon! I miss Giggy. lol.

  • mochababe73

    @shallowgal, I was thinking the same thing. I thought that Eddie and Marcos would have made a better couple.
    Anyway, I felt like I needed to have my eyes washed out after watching Tamra. What a hypocrite! I’m sure that her kids heard an earful today. And, Tamra is a liar. There are pictures with Simon, Tamra, and Eddie floating around the ‘net. They were friends.
    I am so glad that Donn filed for divorce. Vickie has just become unbearable. I couldn’t believe how ugly she was.
    Gretchen and Slade need to break up. He wants to get married. She doesn’t. And, she was talking about being pregnant. If I’m not mistaken, Slade said last season that he had a vasectomy.
    I have been born and raised in TX, and I would rather look like Gretchen than her. Am I the only one that thinks she looks like Damon Wayans on White Chicks?
    Alexis and the bags were hilarious. And, if I’m not mistaken, Jim and Alexis didn’t own their house. One of Jim’s businesses owned the home. The “corporation” that owned the home went bankrupt. From what I can understand is that he owns several “businesses”.
    Used to like Vickie, but she’s becoming unlikable along with Gretchen. Still love Alexis. Tamra is still trash. And, bring back Lynn. She was funny.

    • From what I read, Jim started a dummy company to have it on record as the owner of the home, but according to the foreclosure paperwork, the company’s only holding was the home. So they were the only owners of the company, the company’s only function was to be the holder of the home on paper, and then the home went into foreclosure. They still owned the home, just with an extra paperwork step in the middle.

  • c.c.

    You should get some kind of award or prize for watching this show, BTW, thanks for doing it. I come directly here for the recaps. LOL All I can say is that Cali sun must be bad on the skin because they all look much older than they are.

  • ninjaninja

    RHW couples like Alexis and Jim help me not buy senseless crap, no matter how good of a deal. Seriously. Ladies, keep a picture of them in your wallets, and you’ll have no problem not buying!

  • NCGal

    Too soon?!?! Are you kidding? No it isn’t too soon and thanks for telling it like it is, sistah!
    PS…Didn’t Gretchen’s PSprings friend’s boyfriend look like the Wm. Macy character on “Shameless” and not in a good way?!?

  • KaylaNiche

    Excellent recap as always, girl. I was so disgusted by Tamra’s tub scene. I cannot believe a mother would purposely film something like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if Snakey Simon uses that in an upcoming custody battle. It’s definitely grounds for having their children under his sole custody. Even still, I’m happy for Tamra. She def deserves happiness. Alexis and Peggy are just…blecckk. It’s so painfully obvious that Alexis’ husband is a DOUCHEBAG, and not just a DB, but an AGING DB, which is even worse. I just can’t believe she tolerates that crap from him. And why not have his son ride with him? I can’t believe he “didn’t have enough room.”

  • Randolf Facto

    Nice wrap, except you yourself suffer from the usual female hysteria in re Simon being “abusive”… the poor guy had a wife out of control, who sided with her friends over him, after he supported her for years and took in that brat of a boy of hers, who likewise made the poor guy’s life hell… and him wanting her to tone back the high-school prom queen lifestyle and sense of entitlement was being “abusive” and “unsupportive”, eh?

    • If you can watch last season’s finale and not think that Simon was emotionally abusive, I don’t think we’re watching the same thing. Although the use of the phrase “the usual female hysteria” probably tells anyone reading this all they need to know about you as a man.

      • A

        well said

    • Manuela

      The one and only point I’ll give you is the Ryan as a stepson factor. Yes, that kid was a PITA, though probably not more than many young men his age and from similar circumstances would be to stepparents and bio-parent. The rest of your post…phasers set on “Ignore”.

    • Manuela

      The one and only point I’ll give you is the Ryan factor. Having that kid as a stepson was surely no picnic, and Tamra’s wishy-washy, weepy approach to it was no help at all. As for the rest of your post…Good day, Sir.

  • Randolf Facto

    And the way you and these other cackling hens talk about being happy for Tamara “now that she’s found support” tells me that you ‘grrls’ would be just like the ‘housewives’ that you love to tear apart… that is, if you had the money… and the looks.

    • NCGal


      • DanielleH

        LOL :)

      • My thought as well, haha. Otherwise why would someone who hates women watch Real Housewives and read recaps about it?

    • Stephanie

      Sorry but you do kinda sound like Simon. And no I’m not happy for Tamara because I couldn’t stand her then nor can I now. Simon was a controlling jerk and a douche to boot!!

    • A

      Oh Simon, why on earth are you on purse blog?!

    • Lisa in Oregon

      Oh Simon – That was a valiant effort at improving your PR. Problem is, we respond better to intellect, not insults. Sorry. :(

      Cackling Hen from Oregon

    • Suzie Z

      If you had the money or the looks, you could be on tv too, Simon!

  • Lorie

    LOVE the recap, Amanda! Especially loved the LOL Cat.

    Let’s face it. The main reason Gretchen only wants to “lease” the Slade is so that she will be free when another terminally ill old rich man becomes available for engagement. I’d bet the farm AND the tractor on that one.

    There is no way in… that Alexis has ever tied whatshisname to anything nor do I believe for one second that they have ever been in the closet for anything except choosing clothes. No way. No how.

    Every time I see Peggy, that song “I’m a Barbie Girl” plays in my head.

    I was rolling on the floor laughing (and not just ROFLing) when Eddie had to down that entire glass of wine just to get himself into the tub with Tamra. I feel like if there had been a bottle of Valium handy, he would have downed it too. Eddie strikes me as being happier to be on tv than to be on Tamra (sorry), but I guess we’ll see as the season plays out.

    Now I have to have some Rolaids to settle my stomach because I feel the need to wretch after thinking of that tub scene.

    I was soooooooo hoping that they would have played the shower scene music from “Psycho” during that tub scene. Ah well, guess we can’t have everything.

  • Alena

    As always, I enjoyed your recap, Amanda! Love your style, satire and sarcasm, what a great extension for the show, I always look forward to reading it!
    BTW, I thought that someone would comment on Eddie’s response to Tamra’s “I love you…” – “You love me?” Instead of, you know, “I love you, too”…. Hmmm… “I love me, too”…

  • Suzie Z

    @Randolf Facto, aka Simon, aka Earth Jesus
    Clearly you do not even know any women, if you did, you’d know that women comment about shows like RH BECAUSE WE’RE WOMEN!

  • Suzie Z

    Fellow Cacklers, Sooo funny! Loved your comments directed at Earth Purse Blogger, aka Randolf Facto! Better than the episode & re cap, sorry Amanda.

  • tasha

    I love how Alexis always tries to defend herself and her family as if she is trying to convince herself that the things she goes through is OK, and he is not controlling/verbally abusive. Telling her to pipe down at a restaurant? Telling her to get toast? I would yell at him to get his lazy ass up off the chair and get it himself!!! Alexis’ husband is a freaking d-bag.

  • Lannny

    Girl big breast!

  • kandee acuna

    I’d like to know the maker of Alexis handbag she is carrying when her husband is taking her pic with all the luggage. I thought it was Hermes but I can’t find that style anywhere

  • Jacky

    Im from the uk and we are behind with the Real Houswives of 0C. But reading the recaps and posts i cant wait. Theyre hilarious.

  • adrienne z

    these people are really starting to make me sick….

  • Yendor

    Agree Eddie is a closet gay…very much so…don’t feel the real man vibe from him…AND straight men don’t usually hang out with gay men…Tamra real estate agent friend who supposedly introduced them was with them on a date and he really looks gay and acts gay and he was looking left out taking pictures of Tamra and Eddie kissing….probably thinking Eddie just did that to me last night!!…

    Eddie will not stay with Tamra long, not because he is a closet gay but because he is 35 and does not need that much baggage!!!!

  • Yendor

    And for for lap dog Donn to leave Vicki, she is ridiculous and has real issues in being so focused on work, 24/7..I think she is seeing men on her travels and Donn now is at the viagra age…but him divorcing her has given her a wake up call….but Donn was just a wimp..I don’t think I could marry or stay with a man that didn’t have an opinion or stand up to me….I want a man to wear the pants or at least we both have a leg in one pair!!

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