If last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County taught us anything, it’s that listening to our cast of Orange County ladies talk about sex is perhaps the least sexy thing ever. Other casts have made sex a regular topic of conversation, most notably the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but even the utterly graphic content of their conversations doesn’t measure of to listening to Alexis talk about tying up Earth Jesus.

Although I think it’s safe to say that Alexis has never actually done that, or at least not since before he put a ring on it. No, last night’s episode was all about sex that none of them are likely having. Well, except for Tamra. We know she’s having it because she gave us a handy-dandy demonstration on camera.

The day started with Gretchen and Alexis headed over to meet Peggy in Gretchen’s new Mercedes convertible. They argued a bit about whether or not Gretchen is a princess but quickly bonded over the presence of the new Benz, which is of providence unknown since it’s not entirely clear what Gretchen or Slade do for money. Other than Real Housewives and the occasional TurboTax commercial, naturally. Her makeup line can’t be turning a profit, can it? If it is, then I have a new makeup line I’d like to talk to you ladies about.

Anyway, the three of them went shoe shopping so that Gretchen and Peggy could make friends, but it seemed more like they were making frienemies. Peggy said that Gretchen looked like she was from Texas, Gretchen said that she hated when older women wear miniskirts, everyone at home breathed a sigh of relief for not having to be friends with either of them. Mostly I thought it was hilarious to hear someone that looks like the most enormous Orange County cliche that I can even conceptualize use another place as an insult to someone’s look. If I had to decide between looking like I’m from Texas and looking like I’m from whatever planet Peggy’s on, I’d choose Texas in a heartbeat. The higher the hair, the closer to God, y’all.

Back in Coto, Vicki was harassing some Latino remodelers by making the most offensive attempt at gringo Spanglish I’ve ever heard. They were there to fix some things that only needed fixing in Vicki’s mind in an attempt to get the house ready to put on the market. In the process of explaining the construction that’s going on at her home, Vicki casually mentioned that Donn really didn’t want to move but that it was her life and she would do as she pleased. You know, in case anyone was wondering why she’s getting divorced…

Back with Peggy, Alexis and Gretchen, the girls had left the shoe store to have lunch. Before any orders could even be placed, the girls started arguing over who is friends with whom because Gretchen doesn’t have any kids and therefore cannot compete in the usual Mommy Olympics. Alexis insisted that she hates Vicki but has nothing against Tamra, and naturally Gretchen took exception with her ambivalence toward the Tamrabeast. Gretchen is one of those people who thinks that once she decides she doesn’t like someone, everyone she knows is required to hate that person too. And those friends are just so much fun to have.

One of the ladies (I’m not sure which one, but someone let me know so I can stab her if I ever find her) decided to diffuse the situation by saying something crass about sex in order to throw Gretchen off the topic, which worked beautifully. The only thing Gretchen loves to talk about more than Tamra is Slade’s dick, which is apparently magic, but I don’t want to think about what she said hard enough to write about it. And then it turned into a contest between Peggy and Alexis over who has had more sex in their respective closets, and in order to win the imaginary sex competition, Alexis started talking about tying Jim to a chair. And then I don’t know what happened because I blacked out for a few minutes from pure revulsion.

Elsewhere, Vicki and Tamra were having a far less disgusting meal. It was a little sad, though – they talked about how sick Vicki is of living in her house and how disgusting and awful divorce is. Tamra brightened when she mentioned going on her first vacation with her boyfriend, and she suggested that she and Vicki take a trip to Cabo to get away from the stress of home life. And that’s a great suggestion, because we all know how entertaining it is when our Housewives go free-range. Scary Island, anyone?

Over at Alexis’ place, her family was getting ready to go on a short trip to San Diego. And really, that seemed like a surprisingly reasonable choice for someone with three small children and high-maintenance packing habits. I surely expected Alexis to be the type to visit the curse of her poorly behaved children on a hundred unsuspecting airplane passengers for five or so hours without a second thought. Considering how much Jim didn’t help with anything related to the preparation process, though, perhaps Alexis is more realistic than she sometimes seems.

In sharp contrast to Alexis’ use of logic and common sense, Peggy has some opinions on medical science and antibiotics, and isn’t that adorable? I’m sure she’s an absolute expert, what with all her medical degrees and clinical research experience. Oh, what’s that? She’s not a doctor? She’s an aging model? Oh. Well, I mean, if her mother-in-law told her that a sparkly slap bracelet works better than antibiotics, she has to be right. She used a potato analogy and made Peggy pee in a cup and everything. That’s science, you guys, and anyone who believes otherwise is nothing but a zombified slave to the Pharmaceutical-Industrial Complex. Now let me hook this piece of tinfoil up to my laptop and cure AIDS real quick.

Enough of that, back to the vacation talk. Slade and Gretchen were off to a little getaway as well. Because not even the cameramen can stand to watch them for too long, the episode quickly switched back to Alexis and her brood while they carefully unloaded the dozen pieces of luggage that required two cars to move from Orange County to San Diego. When all was said and done, it became clear that the single piece of luggage that had been forgotten belonged to the nanny. Which isn’t particularly surprising when you consider that Alexis said over and over again that there were five people going on the trip to San Diego, which doesn’t even account for the nanny’s existence.

On another vacation elsewhere, Gretchen and Slade accidentally knocked a bike off the back of their car because Slade didn’t tie it down well enough, which resulted in Gretchen doing the I-told-you-so dance and Slade having a toddler tantrum just as they arrived at the house of Gretchen’s friends. Even their dogs know that they’re idiots, because they hid under the car while the whole drink-spilling, embarrassing scene went down.

Back in San Diego, Alexis and Jim went shopping. Jim bought himself $27,000 worth of watches. Their house is currently in foreclosure, just in case anyone was wondering. Too bad you can’t pay a house payment with an overpriced watch. Or two. He has two, would anyone like to buy them? I’m sure he’d give you a very reasonable price. Actually, he’d probably try to sell them to you for more than he paid and then go back out and buy more useless crap for himself with the money instead of, I don’t know, making a mortgage payment.

Next, we finally got to meet Tamra’s boyfriend Eddie, who is genuinely pretty hot. (Latin men: I highly recommend them.) He still needs to work on his wardrobe, just like the rest of the people on this show, but he is a sure and clear improvement over Simon. They fawned over each other at dinner like teenagers, which was kind of gross and probably unfortunate for the friend who was dining with them, but I couldn’t help but feel a little happy for Tamra. Simon seemed like such an emotionally abusive scumbag that her penchant to act out at the other women was somewhat predictable, and hopefully she’ll continue to act like something resembling a human being now that she has more support.

We then caught up with Gretchen, who was at dinner with Slade and her friends. She immediately set out to convince us that she and Slade totally deserve each other by calling him fat and browbeating him for ordering a meal with carbohydrates, paying no mind to the embarrassment that might cause him in front of her friends or the cameras. We all thought that Slade was the odious one in that relationship, but as it turns out, Gretchen is giving him a run for his money.

It takes a truly nasty person to call your significant other fat and make him justify his meal choice to you in general, but in front of your friends and a camera crew takes it to another level. She went for extra points by saying that she didn’t want to marry Slade because that would just encourage him to get fat and complacent. If that were to happen, she would like the opportunity to dump him. Apparently Gretchen has never heard of divorce and thinks that the only sure way to guarantee an exit in marriage is to marry someone with a terminal illness. (Too soon?)

The next scene was nasty in an entirely different way, because then Tamra got in the tub. Yep, it was the scene that we had all been promised, and as it turns out, we had more or less seen the entire thing in commercials already. Well, except the part where Eddie chugs a glass of red wine before hopping in the bathtub. That was kind of a nice detail. The whole thing was mercifully short and Tamra’s floating tatas were mercifully blurred, but the old LOLCat is still true:

It was awkward and unpleasant to watch two genuinely naked people roll around in a bathtub on Real Housewives, but look on the bright side: Neither of those naked people was Earth Jesus. Or Tamra’s ex-husband, for that matter.

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