I would have never thought that an episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta would come to pass where I would use the term “drag” without immediately following it with “queens,” but last night, it happened. The ladies had a race! A race in their fancy cars! And they wore their best platforms to do it, so you know it was serious.

In other corners of the Housewives world, Phaedra’s baby didn’t like their family photo shoot any more than I did and let it be known with his bodily functions, Peter didn’t like Cynthia’s use of the phone, specifically when it involves Nene, and no one liked Kim’s singing except her sometime lesbian hookup. Everyone was so crabby last night, except Kim, who only has one setting: ridiculous.

We started out with Kim, cooing sweet nothings via speakerphone to her parttime ladylover Tracey about her singing insecurities, how mean that awful old vocal coach was to her several years ago and whether or not Tracey should fly to Atlanta to give her moral support for her upcoming singing lessons. Tracey seemed interested in the offer as long as Kim’s “big ass” would be present, and a picture of the two of them sat conspicuously in the background of the shot. Poor ladylover Tracey. Not only was she apparently gettin’ used, but she agreed to fly across the country for the privilege of doing so.

Next up in our tour of serious delusions, Sheree got an acting job that didn’t pay, and she was pissed it didn’t pay, because she is a serious actress. Nevermind that we later found out that Sheree doesn’t have headshots and she can’t run lines – she wants the cash up front, just like in any future relationships she may have. Sheree’s seriousness about her level of acting talent, just like her seriousness about her career as a designer, has me genuinely confused. Even more so than Kim’s ladylover and singing career. Hell, more than those two things COMBINED. At least Kim appears to be in on her own joke. Sheree clearly isn’t, which just makes it all the more tragic. But not so tragic that I won’t make fun of her for it, obviously.

Over at Cynthia’s house, things were similarly confusing. Peter had problems with how much time Cynthia was spending on the phone with Nene and thought that her focus should be him whenever he isn’t at work, and not only do I not buy into the agenda that he’s trying to push with that whole line of thought, but last I checked, Cynthia was a grown woman. The only man in my life who ever had any say in how much time I spent on the phone was my dad, and that was only when he was paying the bill back in high school. Since Cynthia appears to be an adult, she needs to, uh, alter his expectations of how she’ll use her free time and how such discussions need to be broached in the future. I wouldn’t let a man come at me like that, but then again, I’m single.

In slightly less groan-inducing news, we next visited Kandi, who was on a radio show challenging Sheree to a drag race between her Mercedes C63 AMG and Sheree’s Aston Martin. Little known fact: I sort of love cars, so I was kind of jazzed for this whole race to take place. I’ve been lusting after Kandi’s Benz for two season now, plus I relish any opportunity to watch Sheree lose or make a fool of herself in any way possible, so the possibility of those two things coming together pleased me to no end.

Our brief respite of fun and normalcy was quickly nipped in the bud when we headed into the studio with Kim and Tracey to work with Jan, the vocal coach from way back in the first season who Kim hates for her honesty. Kim made Tracey sit in the booth with her while she tried to make “oOoooOOoOO” sound like something other than a cat dying, and for maybe half a second, she did! But only when she got to the word “diamonds.” Of course. If there’s anything Kim would get right, it would be diamonds, but at least her voice changed pitch occasionally, sometimes even in the correct direction, which would make the probably-endless process of editing Kim’s vocal into the track perhaps a tad easier for Kandi’s beleaguered producer friends.

In stark contrast to that wig-wearing, ladylover-having recording studio mess, we have Nene. Her marriage troubles from the last episode have tumbled into this one, and her BFF showed up to find out why she’s been avoiding phone calls and the harsh light of reality TV infamy for two whole days. When her friend arrived, she found Nene in her pajamas and a headband, without a stitch of makeup, wallowing in bed and playing with an iPad. Funny, that’s how I look basically every day, and I’m not depressed at all! Although I certainly wouldn’t allow myself to be filmed for television in my writing muumuu. Well, I mean, I have my price. But it’s up there.

Over at Phaedra’s house…projectile baby poop. That’s all I have to say. I really thought that Phaedra would never be able to have a photo shoot that I found so viscerally repellent as The Great Pickle Fellatio Incident of 2010, but then her newborn, perhaps instinctually wise to the fact that he was about to be in some really embarrassing and poorly conceived photos, took a giant, sloppy dump all over the floor and Phaedra’s hand, and Bravo got a few nice closeups of the aftermath that actually grossed me out so hard that it gave me heartburn. I’m never having children.

I’m kind of suspicious of people who feel the need to document every moment of their lives with a stylized photo shoot anyway (and if that’s you, I’m sorry, but I’ve got my eye on you), and Phaedra is a perfect example of why. In the grand production that is her life, her family is merely an accessory, meant to make her look good and feel good while simultaneously throwing everyone else off the scent of the fact that she’s actually sort of homely, perhaps a bit dim and otherwise utterly normal under all that eye-spackle she wears. So instead of just living her life, all of her “success” has to be documented, collected and bound into some sort of Ode to Phaedra that she can hold and manipulate and use to reassure herself that she done good, despite the obstacles of limited intellect and batshit insanity that she had to overcome.

Meanwhile, Kandi was planning a promotional tour where Kim would be the opening act, and appropriately, Kandi was terrified that Kim would screw it up, which is a justified fear if I’ve ever heard one. Meanie Vocal Coach Jan showed up to help Kim show Kandi some of what they had been working on, and suddenly, I was glad that I had never realized my high school dream of going into the music industry. Sure, there are a lot of pretenders in any industry, but at least in fashion, you don’t have to listen to the pretenders sing off-key for hours. You just have to nod and smile and tell them that their work is “directional” and they’ll pretty much leave you alone.

Anyway, remember back at the beginning of the episode when Sheree reminded us that she thinks she’s an actress? Well she reminded us again toward the end by going to get her head shots taken and sitting down with her coach to run lines in the most forced and awkward way possible. As if things needed to get more cringeworthy, Sheree then went in to sit in front of a bunch of agents and one very judgmental beagle and run those same lines, this time with more pauses and less naturalness. I didn’t even think that would be possible, so I guess that counts as an acting accomplishment of course, right? The fact that Sheree expects to be paid for that kind of work makes it a lot easier to understand why her house got taken away and her car got repossessed.

Our final event of the episode was the race between Kandi and Sheree at the drag track, and everyone came out to watch. And by everyone, I mean everyone. Kim’s parttime ladylover, both her kids, Kim’s assistant who is still named Sweetie despite all logic and common sense, Nene, Cynthia, Peter who now hates Nene. Phaedra wasn’t there, but I’m starting to think that Phaedra doesn’t actually live on the same planet with the rest of these people, and really I’m ok with that. It’s for the best if the universe keeps her away from the rest of us, lest we catch whatever virus it is that makes her act how she acts.

After everyone pestered Tracey about her relationship with Kim and Kim got upset, the actual race was run, Sheree won (I’d still opt for the Benz, myself) and everyone went home. We didn’t even get to see a good wide shot of the race, which disappointed me on an entirely different level than this show normally disappoints me. On the way home, Nene called Cynthia to invite her and Peter out to have dinner, but they declined, Peter snapped at Cynthia again for talking on the phone too much, and then Nene asked to speak to Peter. He’s in the wrong, sure – Cynthia can decide for herself when and where she uses the phone and who should be on the other end – but it’s not Nene’s job to tell him that. It’s Cynthia’s.

Apparently Nene’s fresh out of arguments to pick with her own husband, though, so now she’s picking them with any old husband or boyfriend that she finds laying around. Last night it was Peter, who deserves some flack over his phone issues, but if Cynthia isn’t going to stand up for herself, Nene can’t do it for her. And I’m pretty sure that Nene’s actually not trying to do it for her, she’s just trying to take out her frustrations on whatever walks by. Peter, as a grown man, should know well enough to stop walking by, but he seems like he’s ready for a good fight too, so they bitched each other out via speakerphone like the mature adults that they are.

And scene.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Constance

    I haven’t seen last night’s episode yet, and I’m not sure I want to after reading your blog.

    • Honestly, I’d skip it. If you’ve got last night’s Dexter or The Walking Dead on your DVR instead, choose one of those. Despite being gory shows in general, both were less gross last night than Real Housewives. Also, neither of them makes me feel like I’m losing brain cells.

  • ali

    Yeah, not that enlightening. Peter’s a dick. Kim still can’t sing and no one is going to tell her so. Phaedra has never touched baby poo before. I think that Apollo is very sweet. He seems to be in charge of the baby, and also will take off his shirt when requested. I’d buy him if I had the lawyer money Phaedra seems to have. The only think I’m curious about after this episode is how Kim got that helmet on and off with out her hair coming off with it.

    • Tangentially related: I’m terrified of helmets like those because I’m convinced my head is going to get stuck. I had a friend leave a few of her things at my apartment while she was moving, including her motorcycle helmet, and even though she and I have equally giant heads, I couldn’t convince myself to try it on because I knew I’d end up sitting around my apartment for the rest of the day with the stupid thing stuck on my head.

      • TammyD

        I’m sorry…your whole comment made me laugh, as I have been in that situation before. Let me tell you…it’s no fun trying to explain why your sitting around with a motorcycle helmet on your head…*le sigh*

      • suz

        Oh yes….you reminded me…I did that once with a baby in a back pack. I couldn’t manage to get it off and had to go out on the street and find a friendly passer-by.

      • Adrienne Z

        I got a curling iron stuck in my hair once and had to walk all the way to work with this curling iron stuck in my hair and dangling all the way until I got where someone could help me get it out.
        I was the laughing stock for quite awhile…

        funny stuff!

    • Manuela

      Ali, your post was *exactly* what I was thinking as I watched this episode, with the exception of my own post regarding my wishlist for Cynthia’s psychological help. Thanks for the words, Girl!

  • suz

    Thanks for confirmiung……I simply couldn’t focus on last night’s show….so uninteresting. I kept drifting away to do something else. Guess I didn’t miss anything. Thanks, Amanda, for taking one for ther team last night. And, if only Nene would stop shouting all the time. It’s really annoying when you’ve only got the show running as background noise. Oh well, hope springs eternal and maybe next week will bring more drama….or something of interest.

  • Lorie

    Someone please, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, please tell Kim that SHE CAN NOT SING. Hand me the phone and give me her number. I will call. Really.

    I liked Cynthia until I heard that she actually married Gramps – I mean Peter. I’m not exactly sure why anyone would marry that crotchety, hateful, condescending tyrant. (Muttering) Tell me when I could and couldn’t talk on the phone, and he’d be pulling that phone out of his…

    • Lorie

      Baby Ayden is completely adorable. He had the best moment of the show.

  • JenG

    LOL at getting the helmet stuck! This may sound a little crazy, but at-least Kim has stuck with singing even though she sounds like someone using their fingernails to scratch a chalkboard. Sheree was a designer last season and this season she is an actress. What will Sheree be next season? Perhaps a doctor? It was a little boring last night and I think Cynthia should have turn-tail and ran!

    • Lorie

      ROFLMAO! Maybe Sheree could get her online Ph.D. too? Priceless!

  • RedHead

    Can I second the earlier “Peter is a dick” vote? And that Cynthia actually married him after filming wrapped up makes me sick to my stomach.

    On the upside Apollo gets better looking each week- especially when his shirt is off:-) But cute little Baby Ayden is the true scene stealer!!! What a Cutie Pie he is!

    The Housewives themselves this week? Zzzzzzzzz……

  • EllenNotAfraid

    I agree that this week’s episode was a gigantic snoozefest! The part that made me feel physically ill was Peter and his tantrum about Cynthia being on the phone. If he’s such a “grown man” he needs to act like one! And just because you’re stressed at work does not give you license to abuse those around you. He’s jealous of the time NeNe spends with Cynthia? He’s disgusting.

    On a lighter note, that baby sure is cute and knows how to steal a scene. All I can say is thank goodness he has Apollo to take care of him because Phaedra would have sent him out to to cleaners after he pooped on her.

  • erica

    Out of the mouths of babes comes the truth…but this time it was out of the other side. That poop spoke volumes and sums up this season thus far.

    I would NEVER race a new nice car that I owned. Isn’t that what regular race cars are for?

    What’s worse? Sheree’s “acting” or Kim’s “singing”. Either way, thank God for the mute button.

  • Ladonna

    OMG! Between Peter and Phaedra trying to wipe off baby poop and Kims singing I didn’t know which I wanted to stop first. Peter done flipped and lost his everlastin’ mind-what kinda man worries about the time his lady love spends on the phone with her girls!! He has serious man issues with his security, also, Kim cannot sing now, yesterday, or in the future, will somebody please tell her. And the final thing-SOMEONE TELL PHAEDRA YOU CANNOT WIPE BABY POOP OFF YOUR HANDS WITH A WET WIPE! I thought I would die while she was smearing baby poop everywhere. Go to the restroom and wash it off-its already liquid. And yes, Apollo is definitely getting stars for his behavior and the fact that he knows how to be paid for his talent (the gifts)No I am not being facetious, I mean that. I still cannot wait for the next show.

  • PhotoGirl

    Still wondering why the heck Cynthia actually married Peter. Hope girlfriend has a decent prenup.

    I was disgusted by the baby poop scene, too, What is it with Bravo and poop? First Jill’s dog, now this! But please don’t discourage people from having photos made. To quote Sheree:(Unbelievable,I know!) “I’m a grown ass woman with grown ass bils.” Mama needs people in front of her lens! Even pooping babies. Just sayin’. ;)

    • Adrienne Z

      Kyle’s waxing scene in RHBH is quite disgusting too. Did we really have to see that?
      Bravo keeps sinking to new daily lows.

  • Manuela

    Cynthia’s marriage to Peter can only be explained by self-fulfilling prophecy. She’s been afraid to marry an ass-clown for a quarter century, ran herself in circles to avoid marrying an ass-clown…then ultimately married the assiest of ass-clowns. *applause*.

    Poor girl. Cognitive behavioral therapy may have prevented this. I feel bad for her situation. I hope she has a pre-nup and wakes up quickly.

    Thanks, Amanda, for the gut-wrenching laughs from your recaps! Oh good LORD!

  • Bagolicious

    The episode was a total bore. And Cynthia needs to dump Peter. She talks about how she doesn’t want to be in a position of being dependent on and basically controlled by a man, but he’s already started “scolding” her about spending too much time on the phone and she hasn’t even said, “I do” yet. Well, in my book, that’s one BIG red flag!

  • Bagolicious

    I just read a few of the above comments and see that she’s already married him. I only watch the episodes and don’t keep up with it out of that.

    I also hope she has a really good pre-nup. Unbelievable that she would walk right into a train wreck.

  • CL

    that photoshoot was pretty ridiculous! she almost dropped the baby for goodness sakes!! too much of a prissy mommy (ipad)

  • Smith

    i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again…phaedra is REDONKULOUS! (ipad)

  • tartantitan3991

    These housewives shows are starting to get kind of ridiculous but i still watch and I kind of enjoy all of the drama. even if it is way out there (ipad)

  • ninjaninja

    Racing is lame anyways. (ipad)


    the housewives of Atlanta do (ipad)


    lol (ipad)

  • nick

    Apparently these housewives… (ipad)

  • Jen

    That guy has a pretty cute profile haha (ipad)

  • helen

    Someone who likes speed and really expensive cars. (ipad)

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