Finding words is normally not a problem for me, but I’m having a genuinely difficult time figuring out how to express my glee at the return of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sure, they’re my hometown housewives, so I’m a little biased in my adoration for them. I think last night exhibited ample evidence that this group is also the best group in an objective sense, though.
What did we get in our hour-long premiere? A funeral, a singing hearse, sex toys, Miss Jay, a horse and buggy, gold plates and cutlery and a screaming match that got quite literally taken outside. And that’s to say nothing of the outfits, the giant necklaces and the weaves galore. Sheree’s was the best, though. Obviously.
We started with Kim, because Kim is really the only place to start. Kim might also be my spirit animal, but we’ll talk more about that during one of those mid-season episodes where nothing happened; we don’t have time for it now. Anyway, as we all know, Kim was extremely pregnant and wearing some sort of lace-inset shiny polyester tube dress with no bra, because of course she was, that’s obvious maternity wear.
The setup for this scene was that Kim and Kroy are moving into a giant house together so they needed to get Kim’s eight houses worth of furniture out of storage to fill it up, but mostly all we saw was Kroy throwing stuff in the back of a truck while Kim sat a few yards away in an air-conditioner car and talked about his ass. It’s moments like these where I wonder why anyone bothers to watch any of the Housewives cities other than Atlanta, and also I wonder if it’s bad that Kim and her overpriced SUV and her tacky clothes and giant wig make me just a tad homesick for Atlanta?
Elsewhere, Nene wanted to buy her deadbeat kid a car. Bryson is the Ashley of Real Housewives of Atlanta, because not only is he still living in his mama’s house despite promises to move out, but he crashed the first car Nene bought for him and now she’s buying him another one so that he can “run errands” for her. (In reality, she’s buying it because she secretly thinks that having an adult son without a car makes her look poor.) In Nene’s defense, she didn’t take Bryson out to buy a new car like Jacqueline did for Ashley; instead she took him to a used car lot owned by someone she used to date in college and made him pick from what they had so that she could get an “I used to sleep with you” discount.
After she wrote the check, Nene bragged about paying cash for the car, which only cost $13,500. That’s a decent chunk of change to a regular person, but for someone who supposedly got on a reality show for being rich in the first place and should only have gotten richer since then, it’s probably not an amount over which one should be bragging. Remember, Lisa gave her a daughter a necklace worth three times that much on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last week. Of course, that’s one of the things that I love so much about the Atlanta housewives – they’re so easily impressed with themselves.
In the premiere’s obligatory recording studio scene, Sheree let Miss Lawrence sing a few bars for the camera before she launched into her complaints about Nene’s sabotaging ways. According to Sheree, she invited Nene to join her on a paid appearance, but Nene tried to go behind her back and get Sheree’s fee reduced, and logic would dictate that was either to curry favor with the booker or so that so she could ask for more money for herself. Sheree blamed this on Nene’s stint on Celebrity Apprentice, which prompted a hilarious clip of Nene ready to go all HULK SMASH on LaToya Jackson. It is my fervent hope that all of the Atlanta housewives eventually go on another reality show, if only so that we may have more clips of their bad behavior to feature on this one.
Meanwhile, Cynthia met with America’s Next Top Model‘s Miss Jay to have lunch and discuss her new modeling agency (or is it a modeling school?). Surprisingly, she’s still married to…whatever his name was. I don’t remember. It’s not Gregg, he was Nene’s husband…anyway, it doesn’t really matter. It looks from the previews that Apollo might smack him in the mouth later in the season, and I’ll relearn his name by then. I promise. Peter? It might have been Peter.
Once inside the modeling class (or try-outs? Which one was it?), no one was impressive. Miss Jay didn’t dropkick anyone, much to my eternal disappointment, but he did do a pretty expert job of making fun of people’s runway walks, including the “black girl who knows everything” and the “white girl at the mall.” And then two people did those exact walks, and they didn’t seem to understand the humor. Cynthia swears that Atlanta is going to turn into a fashion city any day now, but Miss Jay and I are similarly dubious. I’m also dubious about whether the agency or modeling school or whatever it is actually exists beyond a website and a Twitter account, but perhaps that’s just my Real Housewives cynicism showing.
And then, finally, FINALLY, it was time for our eyeshadow-spackled goddess, Phaedra Parks, the only woman in the world who puts her makeup on with a paintball gun. We started at a funeral home, which was unfortunately not Phaedra‘s funeral home, but I assume we’ll get to that eventually. Phaedra was making the arrangements for her great aunt’s funeral, which would have been sad if Phaedra hadn’t been out to make it the event of the season, complete with a horse-drawn carriage, men in top hats and a singing hearse. The hearse sang? What? And can we talk about Phaedra’s choice of neckwear throughout this scene, both at the funeral home and in her interview? Does she buy her necklaces by the pound?
After Phaedra was done auditioning carriage horses, she and Sheree met with perpetually late Kandi at a sex shop to discuss Kandi’s possible future sex toy line. (Not a joke!) According to Phaedra, Kandi was late because she’s on Colored People Time, but I’m white (painfully white), so I’m not sure exactly how much I’m allowed to make fun of that. Talk amongst yourselves! Anyway, there was plenty of other stuff to make fun of, not least of which was Phaedra hopping up on The Liberator sex wedge for a demonstration. And not just any demonstration – we got both doggy style and full, legs-in-the-air missionary. PHAEDRA PARKS, I MISSED YOU AND YOUR DAY-GLO MAKEUP SO MUCH.
Elsewhere, Kim was being so painfully Kim that it nearly brought me to tears of happiness. She had Sweetie heat up some leftover baked ziti and jalapeÃ±os, which Kim ate in bed because she is too pregnant to stop herself from doing that kind of thing. The ziti came with a gold fork on a gold-trimmed plate that Kim yelled at Sweetie for putting in the microwave, but the yelling soon ceased when Kim started shoving the food in her mouth. She dropped a jalapeÃ±o and the dog stole it, right after the dog licked the phone and accidentally hung up on Kroy. Just another day in the life of Kim and her wig.
We then transferred to Phaedra’s great aunt’s funeral, which she had to officiate at the last minute because the funeral director she chose was out of town. How convenient for our storyline! The singing hearse was there, looking like a Cadillac version of an El Camino, and so were the horses and the tophats, just as Phaedra had hoped so that people would be talking about the funeral for days to come. The service ended with Phaedra giving a shout out to the sinners in the crowd, and a new funeral director was born.
Next up, naturally, was the premiere brawl that we were all promised. Nene and Sheree got together at Atlantic Station (that will only be funny to people who live or have lived in Atlanta) to discuss their differences, and since we’ve all become previously acquainted to both of these heifers, it should surprise no one that the conversation immediately turned into a screaming match over veneers, repossessed cars, who’s rich and who’s not and whether Sheree should call Tyrone. First, let’s consult with one Miss Erykah Badu:
As it turned out, Sheree agreed with Erykah and she called Tyrone, despite Nene’s hollering and scene-making and general distraction tactics. Tyrone was glad to repeat his accusations for the group – Nene had tried to have Sheree’s fee lowered after Sheree referred her for the event. Naturally, that sent Nene into a tailspin. First she was appalled that Sheree would believe Tyrone over her because Sheree hadn’t known him very long, and I don’t entirely understand that line of reasoning. Only knowing someone for a short period of time doesn’t mean they’re any less capable of telling the truth than someone you’ve known to be a little shady and self-centered for your entire friendship. (That would be Nene.) Particularly when that person is willing to repeat his accusations publicly, I’m inclined to believe him.
Nene’s next course of action was to yell about how rich she is that she wouldn’t need to take money out of someone else’s pocket, but I’ve never known a rich person (if Nene even is rich, which seems like a big “if” with almost all the Real Housewives) to turn down a chance to get a little more money if possible. After all, this does seem like behavior well within Nene’s personality. We’ve met this woman before. This isn’t our first time at the Nene rodeo. She’ll take a dollar where she can get it, just like most reality TV stars. If she can take it from someone else, even better!
It’s also not our first time at the Sheree rodeo, though, which means that what happened next shouldn’t have surprised us either. When Nene’s first two tactics of defensiveness didn’t work to change Sheree’s mind, she decided to get up and storm out, thereby forcing the accusations to stop. Naturally, Sheree got up and chased her into the parking lot, heckling her about her veneers (which are objectively bad, although maybe not worthy of public shaming) the entire way. Sheree’s favorite weekend activity is yelling at people on sidewalks, and Nene better just be glad that her weave isn’t longer, because Sheree totally would have tugged it. Nene’s nine feet tall, though, so Sheree couldn’t reach that far. Maybe she’ll bring a step stool next week.
I thought we were going to be done there, but then we got an extra bonus scene of Nene at Cynthia’s house after the argument, boohooing about how mean Sheree is. Ladies, this is why Kim’s my favorite – remember last season, when Nene got in her face and called her every bad name in the book? Kim didn’t shed a tear. She didn’t even break stride! Say some stuff about Nene’s teeth and her car, though, and suddenly it’s the end of the world. Adjust your wig and get on with it, lady. We’ve got a lot more episodes to go.