Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a little dull compared to the premiere, but still better than almost any other episode of Real Housewives that we could have watched instead. Nene’s delusions about her wealth and Kim’s moaning about her pregnancy are enough to keep me entertained for at least an hour on any night of the week.

Which is to say nothing of Phaedra’s insistence that funeral directing is going to be the thing that finally makes her really rich, or that she prefers to work with the dead rather than the living because they’re so quiet. For a few minutes there, I thought I might be watching Dexter instead of Real Housewives, but then Nene’s nipple popped out of her bathing suit and I snapped back to reality.

Suddenly, without warning, we were plopped in the middle of Miami with Nene, Kandi and Cynthia. Nene said that she needed to get out of “Haterville” for a while, which meant leaving Atlanta because she’s just too fabulous to be contained there for long. In reality, Nene was afraid that Sheree was going to jump out of the bushes on day and ruin her weave. And, I mean, that’s something of a justified fear I think.

Kandi didn’t exactly know why she got the invite for the trip in the first place because she and Nene aren’t friends, but at my last count, Kandi and Cynthia are the only two housewives who don’t have active, ongoing feuds with Miss Leakes. They had to go be default, even if Kandi doesn’t have any idea why she’s there or what she’s supposed to say to Nene. If I were her, I’d just enjoy the free vacation and drink as much as possible to prevent having to think too hard about anything that Nene says.

Back home, Kroy and Sweetie were planning Kim’s surprise birthday party while Kim was upstairs complaining to the dog that she had to pee. All Kim does now that she’s pregnant is wallow in bed and walk to and from the bathroom, which seems like a sweet enough deal that I’d actually consider getting pregnant. Someone would have to adopt the baby afterward, though. Lord knows I’m not fit to raise children. Not even close.

Elsewhere, Phaedra was actually pursuing the whole “funeral director” thing. She visited the dude who bailed on her great aunt’s funeral to get some tips, and mostly he had to continue to explain to her that she had to dress more conservatively and think about things other than money in order to be successful in the funeral business. Obviously, though, Phaedra had found her “new calling” by looking at the giant check that her family had to write for her great aunt’s services and seeing dollar signs, and she’s merely interested in how many $7,000 mahogany caskets she can push on grieving families. And she’s not even ashamed of it! Lack of shame is a must in all housewives, of course, but trying to cash in on the grief of others has to be an all-time low.

Back in Miami, all three ladies sat down to eat some guac and talk about how rich Nene is. For her part, Kandi seemed to realize that Nene is as new money as it gets, but Cynthia, probably out of sheer intimidation, didn’t think it was tacky at all that Nene constantly tells people that she has money. Cynthia doesn’t think any thing that Nene does is wrong, perhaps in hopes that she’ll never, ever get in an argument with Nene, ever.

As if Nene’s declarations about Donald Trump money (really, you don’t get paid all that much for being on that show, and she was merely cast to be the crazy fight-starter) weren’t annoying enough, her reactions to the two women who came to the group’s table to invite them to the weekend’s Lesbian Pride events should have put you over the top. Apparently most of the hotel’s guests were there to participate in those events, and even if you’re not gay, you can still celebrate. (Some other time, I will tell you about the self-described “prison dyke” who cornered me at New York Pride this year and offered me a salmon croquette from a Tupperware container in her backpack. I didn’t know how to break it to her that I’m not a lesbian.)

Or, at the very least, you can still make eye contact with the people inviting you to their party, even if you don’t intend on going. Even if those people are women who have sexytime with other women. And even if one of them is butch and one of them is not! Nene somehow couldn’t wrap her head around the idea that not all lesbians look alike, or why women who date butch women don’t just date men. Um, Nene knows that butch chicks and actual dudes are still significantly different when they take their underpants off, right? Putting on a tank top and some basketball shorts doesn’t really change someone’s gender? Does Nene have any concept of this stuff? Or of anything? She came off even dimmer than usual in this episode.

Anyway, in Atlanta, Sheree was at a sporting goods store and having an incredibly awkward conversation with her teenage son about whether or not he has a crush on anyone at school or like any girls or wants to spend more man-time with his dad. It’s embarrassing enough when your parents ask about that stuff in private, but in front of a camera crew? As a teenager, I would have burst into flames right then and there. I almost did at home, in silent protest of Sheree whoring her kid out to make herself look like a good mom for the rest of America.

While Sheree was busy crowing about her son’s shoe size (awkward.), Nene was still in Miami and crowing about how much money she has, this time under the guise of real estate. She had an agent take her and the other girls to see a $9 million beach house, and while Kandi was clear on the fact that not only can Nene not afford that place, but none of them can. Cynthia, on the other hand, was excited and hoping to get a future invitation to hang out at Nene’s new house. I hope Cynthia doesn’t hold her breath on that one. Cynthia’s beautiful and she seems very nice and well-intentioned, but damn, girl is gullible.

When the tour was over, the women hit the beach and because Kandi was there, they had to talk about sex. OF COURSE. Vibrators, hitting it on the first date, good “kissers” vs. good “eaters,” whether or not a vibrator can whisper sweet nothings into your ear. You know, the usual prompts that the producers give the cast whenever Kandi’s around, because she’s an excuse to get scandalous soundbites out of everyone. When they got tired of talking to each other, they all got up and flirted awkwardly with a bunch of middle-aged dudes who didn’t seem like much fun. Those are always the guys you meet on vacation, and you give them the time of day because there’s nothing else to do except consider becoming a lesbian with your friends, and that leads to all kinds of weird late-night phone calls that you have to send to voicemail repeatedly until you finally answer and tell the guy that you’re not interested. Not that I know anything about that. I’m just guessing.

Back in Atlanta, Sheree and Kim had lunch and nothing happened other than a few giant glasses of wine. I seem to remember Kim drinking something that looked wine-like, even though she declined a glass in a later restaurant scene. Not to start a huge fight or anything, but I don’t think that’s a huge deal that late in her pregnancy. American attitudes are very strict about pregnant women drinking, which is important for heavy drinkers and those early in their pregnancies, but I think it’s very common in Europe that expectant mothers who are closer to their due dates are allowed an occasional glass of wine. Or perhaps that scene was filmed after Kim gave birth and edited in to the episode to flesh it out? I just remember her sitting in the booth, I don’t remember if we saw her walk up hauling a baby in her tummy or not.

Meanwhile, Phaedra took Apollo for a walk on his leash and tried to subtly convince him that he would want to be the guy who goes and picks up dead bodies for the funerals. No? Well what about the family coordinator? No? Uh, maybe the embalmer? No? WELL. Doesn’t he see all the advantages in working with the dead? Like how they don’t talk nearly as much as his wife? And their makeup is usually better? That’s probably the biggest risk in having Phaedra do your funeral – dear old Aunt Susan will come out looking like a cheap RuPaul imitator, which might be enough to get her denied at the pearly gates.

Elsewhere, thankfully, it was time for Kim’s birthday party. While preparations for the surprise were made at Kim’s house, Kroy took Kim out to lunch to give her a gaudy bracelet and discuss whether or not their future son would own a gun. Kroy’s from Montana, so guess which side of the debate he was on? I’ve dated guys who were from the country before. You’re not going to talk them out of AT LEAST a paintball gun, just like you’re not going to talk me out of getting my hair colored. Some things are non-negotiable, and my hair doesn’t turn this color on its own.

In spite of this small disagreement, Kim and Kroy returned to the house as planned, and while we were waiting for Kim to make the trip into the kitchen to receive her surprise, we had to listen to her make a pit-stop at the bathroom, during which Bravo helpfully turned up the volume on the tinkle-noise. Not appreciated, Bravo. Not appreciated at all. I know what peeing sounds like, I can imagine it if I so choose. (And I most certainly do not so choose.)

Kim eventually made it into the kitchen, though, and everyone but Nene and Cynthia was there to wish her a happy birthday. Kim seemed genuinely surprised (although you never know with these shows), and there wasn’t even a fight during the party. Kandi made some gentle fun of Nene for her declarations about her bank account, Phaedra complained that she and Apollo aren’t having enough sex, Kim’s kids look a little horrified when the conversation turned to their mom’s sex life. It was all good housewives fun, even if it wasn’t the kind of wig-tugging excitement to which we’ve all become accustomed.

Then, randomly, it was time for Kim to get a massage right in the middle of the party while everyone else milled around and talked amongst themselves. Phaedra took the opportunity to pressure Kroy into putting a ring on it, but he took all of the marriage talk and crazy people around him in surprisingly comfortable stride. He looked slightly annoyed here and there, but for a 25-year-old dude, he did quite well. I guess you’d have to be good at letting things roll off your back if you’re going to marry a Real Housewife.

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  • FallonLatrece

    I love you Amanda! what a great recap. Did you hear that Kim and Kroy got married this past Friday 11/11. How sweet.

    As far as the show, who does Nene think she fooling. There is no way I believe she can afford a $9 mill house. She might have been cashing checks, Donald Trumps checks at that, but CA ain’t paying like that. And neither is RW.
    The rest of the wives were the usual boring self, which is easily more entertaining than any of the other franchises, except for maybe BH.

  • ninjaninja

    Was that bracelet really 22k?

  • CacklingHens

    Great recap as always Amanda..

    Last night’s episode was great, I liked the interaction between the ladies. Nene was vulgar as always, I don’t know how she does it, but she can take any sentence and make it sound vulgar and sick. Eww. I was looking at that 9million dollar house and wondering when was it that Nene turned into Donald Trump. I don’t think she is only depositing “Trump Cheques”, I actually thinks that she has somehow turned into The Donald himself. Wow talk about delusions of grandeur. As bad as she is at least they looked like they had fun in Miami, not the usual hooting and hollering and neck rolling of past seasons. Maybe she knows that Kandi can get gully and put her in her place at the drop of a dime. She tried it before and got put in place real quick.

    It was nice to see all the ladies getting together at Kim’s party and having fun. The jokes about Nene’s teeth had me cracking up. Oh and little Riley’s comment “If I had a boyfriend my momma would whoop me so hard” LOL, Arianna’s face was priceless.

  • ellenbakes

    I must have fallen asleep after the “peeing” portion of the episode, because I totally missed the surprise party portion.

    NeNe, oh dear NeNe, please stop the act. You’re not rich. You might be making a few more dollars than your old stripper days; but c’mon girlfriend. I didn’t think it was possible that her camera balls are even bigger this season; but their the size of boulders. Reality check, party of one please.

    It was pretty funny that they were in Miami for Pride weekend. But NeNe’s reaction to the two women who came up to their table was not only rude it was childish. I bet Kandi went to the party though. Did you catch what she said on the beach bout dipping in the lady pond? I was pleasantly surprised myself. And I suspect it would be real and not a publicity stunt should she decide to go for a “swim.”

    Phaedra, love her but damn it if she doesn’t get kookier by the second. Now she wants to go into the funeral business to cash in on insurance policies of the bereaved. Apollo is smarter than you think; he’s not going to roped into Funerals R Us by the old lady quite so easily.

    Great recap on a lack luster episode, Amanda.

  • suz

    What a fun show…I think mostly because NeNe didn’t screem as much although she was still pretty horrible. But, all in all, I laughed a lot….. heartily at Phaedra (I’m thinking her next gig should be stand up comic or in some lame sit-com)…..and at Kim whose gross wallowing in her pregnancy for all the world to see is beyond tacky and totally wonderful. (But, is she really only 33?….wowza). Oh…and by the way, does anyone have a clue what Appollo does for a living? Asset retrival? Is that a repo-man? Thanks, Amanda, for another great recap.

  • erica

    I am 33, my 33rd birthday, did you hear that…33. Kim ,the lady doth protest too much. I am 35 and Kim looks like older than me….and my momma. Quick what year were you born Kim? I thought so. You had to think about it.

    As for Nene, I used to LOVE her when this show started, now I don’t like her attitude. If everyone hates you well, darn it Nene, maybe it’s you! A 9 million dollar house? Really? Wasting that poor realtor’s time.

    Oh Lord, Phaedra’s prayer cloth! A prayer cloth to cover her kneecaps did she say? I keep thinking she is kidding, but no, she’s just crazy.

    And can we address that 25K bracelet. “Thanks for the bracelet, I have to pee”. I mean WOW!

  • Ms. Z

    I just read that Adrienne Maloof is worth 300 million dollars…NeNe that is rich, you loon! Cynthia is one of those friends that will have you deep in debt because she won’t be honest with you she will just say “go ahead and get that 9 million dollar house, you will find a way to pay for it”. Has anyone noticed how much better Sweetie looks this season. How hot is Apollo, wow!

  • Tanya123spa

    Amanda, This is one of your funniest blogs yet. But I cannot believe you forgot to mention how Phaedra pretended not to understand what Apollo does for a living (e.g. asset recovery means he is a repo man). Does anyone remember her claiming he was in “logistics” during the last reunion? I am not surprised Cynthia believes NeNe is really rich. Last season she planned that million dollar wedding with no way to pay for it. I’ll never forget the episode when Peter told her he closed Uptown, and her response was something like, “….but the money to pay for the wedding was supposed to come from Uptown…”. Ummm, that is fraud…. Just like NeNe (her idol is a fraud).

  • adrienne z

    Amanda, I completely agree with you about Bravo’s obsession with bodily functions. Almost Every Episode, beit this one, RHNJ, RHNY, Bethenny, and Jeff’s FlipIt Show has something to do with urine, feces, vaginas, dog-doo…..ENOUGH ALREADY! We all know how the digestive process works, what it sounds like, what it looks like, and what is necessary to continue living. Does Bravo REALLY have to display this stuff? Not everybody on this planet is into bathroom humor. I wish they would stop insulting our intelligence.
    I would assume that the majority of viewers are women – we really don’t need to indulge in or be reminded of the banalities of life. We do enough of it on our own naturally and on a daily basis. It is not something that we need to see or hear others do too.

    • Nancy from SB

      I second that! Do they truly not have enough footage after following these women around for months at a time?

  • tracy collins

    Awsome drama .

  • stephanie

    Love the recap. In some weird kind of ashamed to tell this way, I really think I want to hang out with Phaedra and Kim. Nene and Cynthia not so much.

  • Bagolicious

    Nene and the 9 million dollar house was the laugh of the century. If that’s not “new money” visions of grandeur, then I don’t know what is.

    And the line of the episode was when Sheree said of Nene, “Nene needs to humble herself. As fast as you can go up, you can go down…just like on a stripper pole.” Triple LOL!

  • beaucz

    Nene $9M house….I dont think so and after she so eloquently bartered that car salesman down $1K on Bryce’s new used car., All that ” hey haytahs” must stop. Phaedra’s lust-preventing prayer cloth that covers knees and thighs – LOL.

  • Shirley J

    nene’s actin a fool!!! she thinks shes better than everone…because shes “very rich”…give me a break!