Real Housewives of New YorkLast night’s Real Housewives of New York was kind of lame, wasn’t it? Compared to the absolute disaster zone that we got last week, it was filled with relatively little xenophobia, racism and cultural cluelessness, which made it better, in the sense that it wasn’t so mind-bendingly awful to watch, but also made it worse, in the sense that all of those negative qualities I listed make for pretty great television.

So we scored points for humanity but not entertainment, and our Housewives showed us that they’re little more than middle schoolers trying to save seats on the bus so that people will like them. Also, Sonja’s pretty sure that some sort of peril is going to befall her before she leaves Morocco, and for the sake of everyone, I hope that doesn’t happen. We’d never hear the end of the I-told-you-sos.

We started right where we left – in some ambiguous kitchen, listening to a veiled woman tell Ramona that Mario is cheating on her. Well, she was telling Kelly, who was translating from French while LuAnn tried to re-translate over her in order to get maximum camera time. Somehow, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m going to stick with Kelly on the translation. I don’t speak a lick of French (why can’t our Housewives go somewhere that speaks Spanish), but Kelly’s version simply had a ring of truthiness to it.

While Kelly and LuAnn fought over conjugation and colloquialisms, Sonja cried for no reason. No reason that any of us could discern, anyway. Either Sonja’s boffing Mario or she’s still reeling from the breakup of her marriage, but didn’t Sonja marry for money? Wasn’t she that old Morgan guy’s fourth wife? Ramona actually said that to her face and Sonja didn’t flinch, but after a few minutes of Sonja blubbering about divorces, Ramona decided that Sonja was just crying because she was worried for her and moved right on without another thought. But not before she reassured everyone (and ‘everyone’ meaning ‘herself’) that she had the finest marriage in all the land, so much so that LuAnn tried to pick Mario up back in the day. Would you put it past LuAnn? I wouldn’t.

Next up was a trip to the souk that should have been the coolest thing that any of them have ever done, but Kelly was the only person who was appropriately excited. Well, credit where credit is due, Jill and her fanny pack were pretty excited too. While loading up the vans to leave, LuAnn had chosen her seat in the Cool Kids van, but then got up to head back into the house. But that’s ok, because she had called seatbacks like any sane 13-year-old would, and Sonja stayed in the van to enforce the seatback claim.

Cindy, who is of the Move Your Feet, Lose Your Seat school of thought, tried to get in and sit down in LuAnn’s seat and was not amused when Sonja kicked her out. She threw a fit similar to the one she threw over her hangers last week, and both sides of the conflict were so mind-blowingly immature that I still can’t decide whose side I’m on. It’s just a van ride to the mall, you kids don’t have to spend the entire day with your seatmate after mom drops you off. But instead of taking one of the other open seats in the Cool Kids van, Cindy stormed off to the other van (the lame one) to bitch about Sonja.

Once they got to the souk, everyone was excited! And by everyone, I mean still only Kelly, and maybe Jill and Alex too. Cindy was still fuming over being asked to choose another seat, and she let everyone know that. First she bitched at Sonja, who was perhaps being a bit of a jerk but not any more so than normal for her, and somehow the “pecking order” and whether or not Sonja was of good breeding came up. And she’s not, of course. She was a hostess in an Italian restaurant before the rich old guy married her. But neither is Cindy or anyone else on the show, it’s just that certain people (*cough* Sonja, LuAnn) like to pretend that they are more than everyone else. When Cindy moved on to bitch at LuAnn, it was helpfully pointed out that she wasn’t even present when the incident took place, at which point Cindy was out of targets.

It’s worth noting that throughout the entire episode thus far, Kelly has been the sane one. In fact, she’s been pretty sane all season, with perhaps the small exception of the sand angels incident. How did this happen? How did the Nuttiest Housewife of Them All make such a stunning transformation into someone with whom I might actually want to get a drink? If this newfound serenity is indeed medically induced, she needs to refer the rest of the cast to her doctor as quickly as possible. It would probably ruin the show, but it would be for the good of humanity.

The group’s next tourist stop was to the desert for camel rides, which everyone was excited about except for Sonja, who refused to get up on the camel. She’s already taken a dive off of one hooved animal this season, which meets the quota required in her contract, and she chose to not tempt fate again. At first she seemed like a party pooper, but once an angry camel tried very hard to send LuAnn face-first into the sand, she actually looked a little bit more wise than she normally does. That camel was clearly not a Real Housewives fan, but sadly, LuAnn stayed upright. I wouldn’t have wanted her to get hurt, naturally, but a Housewife flying off a camel would have been hilarious.

The camels lead the group to a giant, luxurious tent for dinner, during which they all tried to think of new things to share with each other. Most of them came up with decent tidbits – Cindy used to work at a flea market, for example. But when it was Sonja’s turn, the only thing that she could talk about is how much she likes to do yoga and take baths and contribute to charities, which she seemed to think no one knew about her. If she had added “playing grabass with the household help” to that list, it could practically be her biography.

For some reason, Sonja wouldn’t stop talking and once again regaled the group with tales of what might happen to them out there in the big bad desert. Nevermind that there were like eight of them, plus an entire camera and production crew, plus their local guides, plus a bunch of camels. They were all in very grave danger without skyscrapers and kindly doormen to protect them. The sand isn’t going to anthropomorphize and stab you in the face, doll. No one is going to ride by on a camel and yank on your ponytail.

The time Sonja spent worrying about marauding thieves might have been better spent carefully considering what she ate, because both she and Ramona were overcome by unfortunate and involuntary bowel movements the next day. While the rest of the group went to have tea and relax at the beautiful Turkish baths, the two of them stayed back for a while to blow up their bathrooms, the subject of which is becoming a disturbing and utterly unwelcome Housewives trend. We don’t want to talk about your poop, ladies. We know that Bravo gets a little thin for material at times, but that doesn’t mean we resort to a diarrhea storyline. There are no circumstances under which that is ok.

Afterward, Ramona and Jill sat down together to hash things out back at the house, and Ramona accused Jill of being two-faced and brought up the stuff with the bride from a few weeks ago. Jill didn’t cop to anything, just as we knew she wouldn’t, because she is Jill and she will never admit fault or take blame so long as the person with whom she’s fighting can be confused or misdirected into changing the subject. Jill also contends that it’s uncivilized not to wear two faces, because everyone does, and if they didn’t, they’d all be Ramona. And as terrible as that sounded, she kind of had a point.

Jill bounded back with accusations that Ramona has done terrible things to her as well, going all the way back to last season when Ramona kicked her off of Scary Island, and then they both dissolved into shrieks that the other person wasn’t listening to them or hearing them or paying attention to what they were saying. We all know that none of these women listen, they just wait patiently until it’s their turn to say whatever it is that they’ve already planned to say, and Jill finally ended the whole thing by yelling that she and Ramona could never be friends and storming out. And then Ramona did the drunkest thing in the history of humanity (and, you know, I’m KIND OF AN EXPERT) by laying down on the bed and pretending not to care and then suddenly bursting into tears while flat on her back in a lounging-on-the-beach pose.

Really, think about it – have you ever cried like that? No, you haven’t. Instinctually, when we’re in a vulnerable state, we all retreat to some sort of the fetal position. To protect our vital organs in case of spontaneous attack! And while that compulsion may not be important in modern society (although it may come in handy in certain Real Housewives scenarios), we all still have it, which is why the sight of Ramona splayed out on her back, sobbing, looks extra bizarre. In fact, if Ramona has to resort to online dating after Mario dumps her just like the psychic said he would, that should be her tag line for her profile: Extra Bizarre.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Mary

    Jill’s scene with Ramona looked like a very bad acting class. She just seemed so fake, no real hurt or emotion. She wants people to feel sorry for her, but for what exactly? I’m not crazy about Ramona, but I actually think she handled Jill pretty maturely, up until her big scene on the bed crying and faking a heart attack (and showing off the gold shoes!)

    • Lorie

      I agree. I thought it looked scripted and staged. Jill did the thing with her hands so perfectly when she said “we can never be friends”. It looked staged – as if she got her blocking spot on. And I didn’t believe for one second that Ramona was really crying on all laid out on the bed.

      Looked like a bad soap opera.

  • suz

    Oh goodness. This is all so bad and boring and just awful, I have to watch it in 5 minute fast forward incements. But, watch it I do….just so I am prepared to read the recap and comments. What has happened when we find Kelly is the voice of reason…so much so, I have to remind myself she is still totally ignorant, provincial and narcissistic. That said, I think based on her behavior in last nights episode, she might be an OK mother. Those seemed to be the skills she was using in the thick of things. Never has there been a group of women I would less want to grab a drink with. Each one is awful in her own special way. But, I’ll keep watching as long you, Amanda, keep recapping and the rest of you keep commenting.

  • Chicky

    I had the same exact reaction to her crying scene. It’s not natural to lay that way. HOWEVER, Ramona is an experienced famewhore so she knows that burying her face in a pillow would not make for a good shot.

    • suz

      Thanks…I couldn’t figure out why that Ramona crying scene didn’t seem authentic……and then you pointed out what should have been the obvious….who cries sprawled out on their back?

      • Jennifer

        Hate to say it, but I have a vivid memory of crying sprawled on my back. When I was drunk. And sort of collapsed on the bed. And then started crying. But I remember it being weird and uncomfortable.

      • suz

        Yes indeed, Jennifer….all sorts of illogical things happen when drink is involved….

      • Manuela

        Besides being unnatural, like Amanda said, crying on one’s back becomes difficult and then impossible quite quickly as the crier chokes on tears and (dare I say) snot. Weeping on one’s back, yeah; sobbing, not so much.

  • CacklingHens

    Where do I start?

    1. This whole trip it seems as if Cindy was just waiting for the right moment to pick a fight. The incident with the hanger was one incident and now the bus incident. I can’t stand Sonja one bit or Luann but the bag was on the seat. Even Ramona didn’t argue about the seat and we all know Ramona. I think she was still mad about the pecking order comment (rightfully so), but the fact is that she didn’t get the chance to respond to Sonja and even that conversation is long gone, she felt the need to assert herself.

    2. Alex was trying to force her usual Simon and me sexy time thing. I am not buying it Alex give it up. Side note, I actually liked the sequin shorts.

    3. Kelly was the sane one. Wow, I too wanted her to translate as opposed to Luann. My mouth opened when she said “I am translating, not interpreting”. I don’t know why, but that comment to Luann stood out to me. It’s like she was saying that Luann was trying to rephrase everything the psychic was saying. Missed that? That was classic to me.

    4. Ramona seemed sane and appreciative this episode, except for the crying scene. She won that argument/discussion with Jill. She made a lot of sense.

    5. Sonja, where do I start. Why the hell was she crying. This whole season she seems as if she is on the brink of a full on Kelly style breakdown. I’ll be watching. How long as she been divorced. She is making it seem as if it all just happened. She married for money and it failed. She is still talking about when she “had” the good life. Sonja, it’s over, you are no longer being invited to dine with royalty. Get over it. what seemed so strange to me is that last season she was all about sleeping around with younger men. I didn’t see her shed a tear about the divorce and this season she is all “woe is me”. Mmmhm, not buying it.

    6. Luann, classic stuck up bitch that turns her nose up at everything. I can’t wait for somebody to knock her a few pegs down. For somebody who is rumoured to be a serial cheater, she certainly has a high opinion about herself. Class my a$$. Luann, you are not the queen of the castle and being condescending does not make you better than any one.

    7. Jill, SMDH. You have not changed on bit. She is blaming everybody but herself for falling out with Bethenny. I watched the last season and she did not want to make up with her until she found out that she was pregnant and was getting married. She showed up at Scary Island delusional as always and expected everybody to welcome her with open arms. It didn’t happen so now she blames Ramona. Get over it woman!

    That being said, I am still watching for the drama to unfold.

    • Ashley

      I kinda do believe Sonja, though. Remember that one episode when all the ladies went to the spa, and Sonja talked about how hard it was being divorced? Plus, considering her money issues, I bet she really is upset at the thought of Ramona ending up like her.

      • CacklingHens

        @Ashley. Mmmhm, good point. Yeah I remember that spa scene.

  • Lorie

    How did Bravo hit the nutcase jackpot so easily?

    Sonja was crying because she is no longer a real Morgan and not living the lifestyle that she married for love (rather than the man). I can’t stand her now. Although I am a little intrigued with the toaster oven cookbook thing. I’m a horrible cook. The only reason I actually have a kitchen is because it came with the house. This toaster oven cooking might be my thing.

    Crazy or medicated, Kelly is having a good time in Morocco and really enjoying everything. I kinda like her now. She at least appreciates and truly enjoys new things.

    It’s a wonder that any of those camels went along with that bunch willingly. I say that one Luann was on was the smart camel.

    • SuzieQ

      I’m right there with ya on the toaster oven idea! We’ll just make tiny dinners, or several courses!! Hors d’oeuvres are perfect for the toaster oven, and mini pizzas!

  • PhotoGirl

    Last night, Mr. Photo found me watching RHNY and said, ‘so is *this* what you get when you send your daughter to one of those nice schools back East? I wonder if your dad would think this is a good return on his investment?’ I was mortified, of course, as well I should have been. However, that does not mean that I won’t be watching again next week.

    Oh, and regarding the business with the psychic, I do speak French and Kelly’s translation was correct. She was spot on when she said that LuAnn was “interpreting.” I’m beginning to think that perhaps I underestimated Kelly last season. I’m liking her more and more this time around.

  • BirkinCoveter

    At this point the only reason I’m watching is for the gorgeous shots of Morocco. That Turkish bath house was surreal, I too give Kelly credit for enjoying the trip the way I would an all expenses paid trip to Morocco. I was a little dissappointed that the camel did’nt throw LuAnn off face first I’ve been waiting since the previews in the first episode of the season to see that. I usually hate seeing people cry but Ramona was comically dramatic.

    As for Sonja, could it be that the reason she’s on the verge of a breakdown and reminiscent about the way it was because of her money problems. Did she not file for bankuptcy in November citing nearly 20 mil in dept, that would put me on the verge of a breakdown too.

  • JenG

    Thank you, Amanda. I needed the laugh! I would have loved to see LuAnn flying off the camel too. Wishful thinking!

  • Amy A

    When i saw the clip of sobbing Ramona, i was like WTF? To me that’s the pose and the cry of someone who had a painful Brazilian not of someone who just argued with a cast mate.

  • Lorie

    Alex and Simon are sexy skyping? I may throw up

  • Bagolicious

    Sonja is such a phony. And that comment about her being on the yacht with 13 security people around her was just the utmost of phoniness. She probably doesn’t have a pot or a window, but wants people to think that she’s still wealthy.

    And what is her problem about needing so much security in Marrakesh? She acts as if she might get kidnapped or something. Who would even give her the time of day? She’s not the “all-that” that she thinks she is. I’m sure no one is even paying any attention to her. She’s just another westerner, on vacation, in Marrakesh.

    Going into the souk doesn’t need a security force, just a good guide which they had. When I went into the souk, I just hired a personal guide, from a guide office, and paid him the then going rate of about $15.00 (1983) for half a day. Then we went into the souk and to other places. I was fine and didn’t fear anything except walking up on all of the cobra snakes that I walked up on outside of the souk area. I had to just get used to them as they’re all over. I hired the same guide for two, half days, to get my bearings, and then the rest of the week I went out on my own; female and 28 at the time. No problems.

    And for Sonja to be walking around clutching her big bag, as if someone was going to snatch it, was just overkill. If she was so worried about her bag possibly being snatched, then she should have had the common sense to have taken a smaller bag and a cross body one, or wear a money belt. I mean really. It’s not rocket science.

    And as for Jill, she’s out of her mind. That woman is never wrong in her eyes. For her to just show up at Scary Island, and expect everyone to just stop having a good time, in order to listen to her drama and annoying voice, was entirely self-centered. But, then again that’s what she is. Everything has to be done on “her” terms.

    As much as I don’t like Ramona, she was right on the Jill situation. Plus, If Jill really wanted to make up with Bethenny, then she had plenty of opportunity to have done it in New York. She didn’t need to fly all the way to Scary Island and then have Bobby charter a “private” plane to get her to where they all were. I mean really. Does she think we are all stupid or were all born yesterday? We all know what that was about. Grandstanding.

    From watching this train wreck of a show, it’s interesting to see how middle school bullies and obnoxious kids turn out when they become adult “girls”.

  • adrienne z


  • kemilia

    The Guide looked like the Unibomber in Plaid and I absolutely SCREECHED when I saw the sequined star shorts! OMG!

    And yes, Sonja, clutching her giant straw bag to her chest–it wasn’t an Hermes, for pete’s sake.

    But I love the show and great recap, as always.

  • edsbgrl

    I stopped watching RHNY after season one. I can’t take all the arguing and constant bickering.

  • adrienne z

    cindy is such a douchebag.

    • Ashley

      She comes across as really, really awful. Plus, there is something about her hair and face- she’s very unattractive. I hate her screen time.

      • SuzieQ

        Cindy is horse face

    • Manuela

      I don’t know that I’d go so far as “douchebag”, but I think Cindy clearly has very little patience and a tendency to throw hissy fits as a result. She sure picked the wrong show to be on…

  • mirna

    I always thought that the point of the Housewives shows was to show us how rich and fabulous they are. Example..Housewives of BH! Thats how the shows were in the beginning and now look what they’ve come to. Luann I use to like but she really thinks her Shh dont stink! I’m over these women. Bring back BH asap!

    • Ellz

      I could not agree more! I used to love watching these shows for the clothes and accessories, but now all of the fun is gone. It’s sad to watch these women try top act like they have all of these things when most are a.) rented b.) fake c.) they can’t afford their houses anymore. It’s just sad. I can’t wait for BH and more REAL fabulous living!! Adrienne Maloof is my hero!

  • Manuela

    Nothing wrong with a little junk in the trunk, but speaking of the sequined shorts, I could hardly believe that a single item of clothing could blow up one skinny woman’s ass like that. Weapons grade unflattering. It’s like the driver’s side airbag went off in her underwear.

  • SuzieQ

    I laughed my head off when Sandra Bernhard imitated Jill’s line, ” Im having a heart attack.”. Seriously, Jill? That fake fight scene was giving you a heart attack? Sorry, I thought you needed to have a heart in order to have the attack. About Sonja crying? That was just plain alcohol-induced! Does she have no compassion? I mean, she was just trying to get more attention. Are we supposed to believe her ex cheated on her? If he did, I’m guessing Viagra must be a potent drug! And Alex looked like she borrowed those sequinned shorts from Simon.

  • mochababe73

    I still don’t like Cindy. She was a b- to her twins’ daddy if that is indeed their daddy. Her and her brother’s relationship is creepy. Now, she looks like an idiot for fighting about hangers and seats. Sonja said that Lu Ann wanted to sit there so I don’t really understand what her problem was. Lu Ann was hosting the trip.
    I really feel like Jill has no real friends. She doesn’t know how to or what that really means.
    I could have done without Alex and Simon trying to get sexy on the Skype.
    I’ve said this from the begining, you either like Ramona, hate Ramona, or just put up with her. If you have a problem with her, just don’t get onto the Ramona-coaster.
    Kelly really is the most sane one.
    Sonja is just here for comedic value. You can’t think that anything she does or says is serious.
    I am so glad that this trip is concluding next week. Let the lies begin about what happened on this excursion because you know that they’re coming. I just don’t know why everyone can’t just enjoy this trip.

  • tasha

    Another EGGGCELLENT review Amanda!!! You should definitely be a writer for the NYTimes editorial section or something to the effect. :)