And that’s all she wrote, folks. Last night, we sent the ladies (and I use that term loosely) of Real Housewives of New Jersey off into the New Jersey Turnpike sunset, mewling and sneering and gnashing their teeth the entire way. Well, until that end that is. At the end there were hugs, and then a little extra gnashing for good measure.

Word is that the next season of this trainwreck of a show is set to start filming soon (yes, already), but before we see them come around again, it’s time to figure out what, if anything, we were able to learn from our Garden State girls during this debacle of a season. Since it’s more or less impossible to “recap” five four people yelling at each other with no narrative arc or plot, we’ll be breaking things down a little differently this time.

“Nephew” is apparently a euphemism for “bastard child of your husband and his mistress.” Word on the street that Danielle’s reference to Teresa not acknowledging her “nephew” during the first part of the reunion was actually her way of calling out the open secret of Juicy Joe’s affair and child with some other Jerseyite. It’s really too bad, because apparently the child is the boy that Joe always wanted, but his illegitimacy means that he will never be able to inherent the throne of King Juicy or take up residency in the conference center that Joe and Teresa call a house.

Danielle finally got her weave game locked up. Also, she has a new Chanel bag. Finally. That black one we saw all season was getting a little ratty.

Teresa is strong like ox. This reunion was probably humiliating for Andy Cohen in a lot of ways, but getting thrown into a chair by a stiletto-wearing mom of four approximately nine minutes in to the two-parter had to be at the top of the list of reasons.

Danielle doesn’t live in objective reality. It was offensive when Teresa’s husband said “gaylord,” but it wasn’t offensive when Danny The Ex-Con said “f****t.” Teresa has to take responsibility for a third party’s words, but Danielle can’t be held responsible for what her friend said on camera. Danielle didn’t respond to a tweeted wish that Jacqueline’s daughter killed herself, despite the fact that Jacqueline had verifiable proof with her (there’s an app for that). Her sex tape? Of course it wasn’t filmed by a third party or ever intended to be released. In Danielle’s world, the grass is blue and cows say oink.

Jacqueline has no sense of relevancy. Throughout the entire reunion, if the other housewives were talking about something amongst themselves and she hadn’t gotten to say anything in a while, Jacqueline would come completely out of left field with some comment about text messages or Danielle’s kids crying at school or her thoughts on deficit spending and the credit crisis and all of her cast mates would fall silent for a second while their brain gears creaked and shivered into their next position in order to figure out how Jacqueline’s comments related to what they had been talking about and whether or not they should respond. She also forces me to write run-on sentences that would make my 12th grade AP English teacher cry.

Andy Cohen runs like a girl. Self-explanatory. If any of you are graphically inclined, I’d like to have a GIF of his cross-stage scamper. Please and thank you.

Danielle travels with extra weave. Andy Cohen was fascinated by the weave-attachment mechanism, and then he was nearly unable to wrench the extensions from the fake head. Yes, she also travels with a fake head. In a bag. I wonder if Andy Cohen ever thought his career would go this way when he was in broadcasting school.

Kim G. had some work done in anticipation of her return to reality television. She looked good! It was good work! She should refer Danielle to her surgeon. To return the favor, maybe Danielle can refer Kim G. to her weavologist.

Caroline does a pretty good Atticus Finch impression. She was a lawyer in another life, possibly. She shut down Kim G. when Kim complained about how she had been seated at the Brownstone, and in perhaps the first such admission in Housewives history, Kim admitted she was right and that Caroline didn’t actually do anything wrong. I may have shouted “PREACH!” at the television while Caroline was doing this.

Danielle might have a soul after all. It’s just two sizes too small. Jacqueline has one too, now that I mention it. Toward the end, Jacqueline seemed to have a Come To Jesus moment and copped to saying inappropriate things about Danielle and participating in the drama when she shouldn’t have, and Danielle tearfully admitted that she spread false information and lied about Jacqueline because she was angry and hurt. She even apologized. Repeated viewings of Criminal Minds tell me that sociopaths can often skillfully mimic emotions, but I want to believe that Danielle was being genuine. Maybe I just want to believe that any of these people are indeed capable of a full range of emotions, including ones that aren’t some sort of subcategory of “rage.” And no, Teresa, “compulsive shopping” doesn’t qualify as an emotion.

Caroline, however, didn’t buy it. Danielle hugged Jacqueline and Teresa and shook Caroline’s hand and apologized to all three, but Caroline called shenanigans on the entire thing and did some more yelling, just for good measure. She’s probably wise to be dubious, but I was willing to suspend disbelief until at least the end of the episode in order to have a happy ending. Even a fake one. At this point in the Real Housewives oeuvre, I’m willing to settle for fake.

Andy Cohen LIED to us. What I’m not willing to settle for, however, is an unfulfilled promise that someone will quit the show. Worry not, though, because I was on my computer at 1:18 in the morning (blogging is hard) when Andy decided to let us all know via Twitter – it’s Danielle. Her appearance on the reunion will be her last appearance as a housewife, confirming the rumors we’d been hearing for quite a while. So maybe when she whispered sweet nothings in Jacqueline’s ear about how the drama was over, she meant it. Or maybe she got fired. You decide which one is more likely.

I don’t know if Danielle’s dismissal was left out of the show because of an accident of editing or if they had always intended to release the information in the middle of the night so that only the people who watched the show on a DVR delay after the end of the Boise State/Virginia Tech football game (guilty as charged) would see it, but we have our answer, and now it’s time for us to all pretend like none of this ever happened. And if it did, we certainly didn’t spend hours watching it and discussing it.

Thanks for joining me this season, and make sure to check back next Tuesday for the beginning of our Gossip Girl recaps for the season and, of course, Fridays for Real Housewives of DC.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • JenG

    I hate the fact that this show will be returning. I don’t believe this is the end of Danielle being the blame for everything that happen to the rest of the cast. Her name will come up in some way. Thanks for the recap Amanda and I am glad it is finally over for you having to recap this mess of a show.

  • PhotoGirl

    Amanda, you deserve a medal (or, better yet, a fabulous handbag) for watching this garbage all season long. I don’t care if it is your job. What torture! I didn’t watch the reunion — just couldn’t do it.
    Andy Cohen should be ashamed of himself for dragging our already flimsy culture to this new, horrifyingly low level. Of course, if he were capable of shame, I suppose the RH franchise wouldn’t be on TV in the first place. Am I the only one who misses the Bravo of old?

    • S

      I don’t believe the rumours that Danielle started about Teresa and her nephew, primarily because Danielle said it and I really question everything that comes out of her mouth.
      I’m not sure why anyone hates this show over any of the other Housewives shows. No one should behave like Teresa (pushing and yelling at the top of her lungs), but I like her better than the fake ones like most of NY, DC and Orange County. I really hope Dina comes back -she and Teresa are so different from each other that I love to watch them.

  • hannah

    omgg!! reading your recap about joe having a mistress and that THAT was the “nephew” she was referrring too — me completley shocked!!!!! i thought she meant jacqueline’s little oby and i was like danielle youre an idiot. but wowwww.

    and doesnt it make me insanely sinister that i was kinda pissed off that jacqueline and danielle had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment at the end?? i have never liked danielle, and just felt that jac was falling back in her trap again. but alas, i watch too many criminal minds as well (and the boise st/va tech game as well!)

    but you deserve some sort of amazing dream-worthy handbag or a medal for watching this garbage and yet ciphening it enough to give us amazing recaps!!! maybe reggie bush’ll scratch your name on his heismen! joking joking

    i look forward to nice and fluffy rachel zoe and gossip girl recaps though, and a break from the angsty housewives!!

  • Matthew

    Apparently part one of the reunion got the highest ratings in RH history. That’s sort of depressing. Not sure about part two.

    I hate Andy too for lying to us. Don’t tease an exiting housewife in a promo and then not show it. That’s disingenuous.

  • Amy

    oh the nephew thing, I’ve read two different stories. One like you mentioned above and then, another story involving race relations. Apparently Teresa didn’t acknowledge her actual nephew from a branch of the family who married someone who wasn’t Italian and gave birth to a child, a child was mixed races. So who knows?
    Really they are already filming? Bravo is striking while the iron is still hot apparently, i know today it was announced Bethany quit NY Housewives..

    • I’ve heard both versions of the story as well, but it seems like the one I mentioned has gained a bit more ground. I suppose it’s possible that BOTH are actually true, since they’re aren’t mutually exclusive. Joe could have an child with another woman and her brother could have a wife who isn’t Italian. Teresa only addressed the second rumor publicly, which also makes me think the first one might be true.

      And I don’t know if they’ve actually started filming quite yet, but I read somewhere the other day that it would happen soon. Apparently both Beverly Hills and Atlanta have seasons in the can, so maybe they’re bringing Jersey back directly after those two? It doesn’t surprise me that Bethenny left NY and that Bravo also confirmed Lisa Wu Hartwell left Atlanta. I used to work at corporate for the country club that Lisa moved to at the end of last season, and it is WAY outside of the city. Having her as a full-time cast member would probably be a logistical nightmare.

      • Chick

        Actually there is another story that is gaining a lot more traction. Apparently Bravo is recruiting her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga, whom she hates, to join the housewives. (This is the one that had the nephew that she supposedly didn’t acknowledge.) The whole “do not bring up my fambly” touched a nerve as T is not happy that her SIL will possibly be sharing her spotlight.

  • Handbag Lover

    Well said, well said, I am glad this show is over also. I am glad you said that about Joe and Theresa because i was wondering what that was about, who would have ever thought. SMH

    Theresa did not go in as hard on Kim G as she did Danielle, did you notice that, wonder why? Anyway, it will be good to see what happens next with the other shows.

    :) take care

  • Jo Marie

    Bravo. Thank you and goodnight. You’ve even got me watching Rachel Zoe and being all discerning about purses.

  • mochababe73

    That whole thing about Joe is a rumor. Teresa addressed this in an article for In Touch magazine. I read about it, but I didn’t believe it. Besides, what women with half of a brain would sit on this type of information. She could get money and her 15 minutes of fame. Maybe she’s just embarassed that she chose Joe to be the father of her child.
    I am going to miss my Jersey ladies. I guess that I’m the only one that likes them. I think that Danielle either needed to leave, or she needed a real friend on the show. Please do not confuse this with actually liking Danielle because I don’t. However, I hope that she gets her life together. Her daughters do well despite what she does. I only pray that the continue to turn out well. The stuff about her daughters crying at school, from what I understand, is true. Who wouldn’t? I would be embarassed if my mom had a sex tape out. I don’t even want the visual.
    As far as Caroline is concerned, I’m with her. However, if Danielle is not on the show, maybe this madness will stop.
    Kim G. needs a hobby. She and Jill should try to find one together.

    • S

      I’m with you! I like the show too :) I think people will watch without Danielle.

    • JenG

      Unless Bravo sign Teresa’s sisterinlaw as a housewife. This version is going to be beyond boring! They will not have Danielle to blame for their terrible behavior. I know Danielle has her faults, but calling someone garbage is mean and hateful. None of us are perfect and I would never call anyone “garbage” regardless of what they have done.

  • Matthew

    Does anyone think Kim G will be one of the Housewives next year?

  • lolanyc

    i have to say thereasa has the worst mouth on tv. all her yelling screaming cursing..WOW.. classless. she prob wants a raise on housewives so she has to act like a nut job cuz the crazier u are the more u get paid. Im not sure how real this show is. Danielle leaving.. well now what r they gonna talk about?? LOL it was the danielle show all season! I hate NJ and I hate this show. I wish they cancel it but they wont. Most I can wish for is the jersey shore kids get cancelled. Im so sick of NJ!!!! UGH!

    And I think after the bev hills and atlanta the OC should come back no? Then maybe NY then NJ.

    • I think Bev Hills and Atlanta are both going to run in October. ATL starts Oct 4 and then I think the announced date for Bev Hills is Oct 14.

      All I know is that Rachel Zoe Project needs to end so that I’m not recapping four shows a week – that’s too many! lol

  • arlene

    I was hoping that all the housewives would be replaced. Dina could come back then.

  • Adrienne zedella

    that doesn’t make sense. why would dina come back if everyone else was gone?