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I’m just putting this out there: If I had my way, this entire Real Housewives of New Jersey recap would be 2000 words on why Milania is going to grow up to be a hobo-killing sociopath. I think my theory is a strong one, and I also think that exploring it further might be a more entertaining option that going over what happened on last night’s episode.

The problem is that our cast members didn’t actually do much last night, they just talked about doing things, or alternately, things that people have done in the past that no one has any footage of. I can’t do much with that except try and think of new ways to explain how stupid Ashley is. And guess what, I’m out of new ways. There are no more words for “vapid” in the English language. I’m going to have to start with Spanish words, I guess. Ashley es estupida.

We started back at the radio station with Caroline, who was talking about New Year’s resolutions that very conveniently related to the plot line of the episode. Specifically, not letting people intimidate you when you’re trying to do a nice thing. And who’s trying to do a nie thing? Melissa, of course! Well isn’t that a coincidence…

The show cut straight to Melissa, who was casually wearing a giant fur coat and sitting in her Escalade (those are both casual activities, right?) and trying to arrange a play date for her kids with Teresa over the phone. Teresa wasn’t overly enthusiastic, naturally, because she still thinks that Melissa is some sort of malevolent force that’s secretly trying to ruin the entire family. Because Teresa is genuinely a dumbass, she doesn’t understand that you have to be smart to be that tricky, and I think we all know that you can’t call Melissa smart and keep a straight face.

Speaking of people who aren’t smart, our next problem was Ashley. Because she won’t listen to her mother or stepfather anymore, Jacqueline had enlisted the help of her father to try to talk to Ashley about her motivation level and direction in life. Or in this case, her complete lack thereof. “I have direction!” “Yeah, to the mall.” But I really shouldn’t be comparing a dolt like Ashley to an important cultural icon like Cher Horowitz.

The single, lone talent that Ashley might have is that she can sorta draw a little bit, and I was entirely baffled to hear Jacqueline and her father talk about Ashley’s artistic skills like they might one day actually lead to something. Are these people not aware that art schools are bursting at the seams with talented, dedicated, intelligent kids who would absolutely stab Ashley and step over her bloodied carcass in pursuit of a paying visual arts gig? Because they are. Working in a creative industry is a full-contact career choice, and if you don’t have both the chops and the unrelenting psychological drive to succeed, someone is going to push you out of a window to get the job that you’re about to apply for.

If the next scene was any indication, Ashley has neither of those things. (And, let’s face it, we already knew that. A long time ago.) Lauren (who is her cousin, remember) was getting ready to launch her beauty bar at the local salon and she asked Ashley to design some T-shirts to give away at the party. Lauren apparently asked that Ashley draw up some ideas with faces on them, and Ashley came to the meeting with, you guessed it, absolutely zero faces. And when Lauren was irritated that she hadn’t honored her very simple request, instead of being apologetic, Ashley acted insulted.

You see, Ashley doesn’t live in the world that you and I live in, where creative work for the overwhelming and vast majority of artists comes at the behest of a client. That’s how creatives (like me) make our livings and pay our bills, and maybe, if we’re extremely lucky and talented, we’ll one day be able to do the work that we love doing and not the work that others pay us to do. For 99.9% of artists, writers, singers, actors and dancers, that never happens. And it will never happen for Ashley, because she’s not an artist, she just likes to draw sometimes, particularly when it can get her some attention.

Somehow, though, she thinks that her career as an artist is going to involve her foisting her creative vision on the unwitting public, which is not ever going to happen because no one is ever going to pay Ashley to draw anything. And that’s good, because if there’s one person we don’t need as a thought leader in American culture, is Ashley the spoiled rotten brat from Real Housewives of New Jersey. But she doesn’t like deadlines, or expectations, or pressure, or responsibility or adulthood of any kind, so she thinks that being an artist can solve that, so that’s what she’s going to be. Like, she’ll just close her eyes and make it so. Right.

Elsewhere, Caroline extended an invitation to Kathy and Richie to come to her New Year’s party even though Teresa was coming too and Teresa likes to tell other people who can and cannot show up at parties she’s not throwing. Because her husband has had a previous business relationship with Kathy and Richie (and also because she is not a petty moron), Caroline invited whoever she felt like inviting. And that was that.

Anyway, remember that playdate that Melissa scheduled in the beginning of the episode? Well, our next stop was Melissa’s house. Actually, our next stop was Teresa’s house to watch her try to get that little sociopath Milania to put on some clothes while Melissa’s kids were complaining to their mom about how Milania chokes them. Eventually (after like an hour), Teresa got the whole brood into the car and made the five-minute drive to Melissa’s house, during which time Gia tried to negotiate for all of the kids to be sent to different boarding schools. I like Gia, and I hope that Milania doesn’t get rid of her.

Despite the fact that Milania is obviously going to murder one of them in their sleep one day, Melissa’s kids seemed absolutely thrilled when Teresa’s brood finally showed up to play. While her army of brats went about the task of systematically destroying Melissa’s house, Teresa went about the work of destroying Melissa’s soul just a little bit more than it had been destroyed by having to sleep with her husband every night.

I’m not sure exactly what happened after the first few seconds because I am so sick of this fight that I’ve been rendered physically unable to listen to it any longer, except that I remember there was a Little Mermaid reference at one point. The fact that the Little Mermaid represents what will likely be the most literate allusion ever made in this show probably says something about the death of our culture that I’m not entirely ready to confront, so let’s move on, ok?

The two of them continued to talk, but Teresa is clearly so hell-bent on never resolving this feud or moving on in any appreciable way that I’ve been given no other option than to take Melissa’s side. Even though Melissa was the one who brought up Teresa’s conflicts with Kathy, she did it in an appropriate venue and seemingly in an attempt to make peace, but Teresa was having none of it (and also none of Melissa’s pork recipes.) The exact same thing happened later in the episode at the New Year’s Eve party.

Actually, the party was up next, so I guess there’s really no “later” about it. Caroline and Albert hosted it at the Brownstone with an open bar and free food, which made me wonder if it would be possible for me to get on the list this year. Ashley tried to haul in a bunch of her idiot friends at the last minute and also tried to get drunk on camera, but the Manzos shut her down like the camp counselors that they are.

Once that moment of drama had passed, Teresa arrived and, upon seeing Kathy, looked like she had smelled a fart. And she looked that way for the rest of the episode, because Teresa never learned how to play in the sandbox with others. Kathy and Richie seemed to be genuinely trying their best not to start any problems, but still, Teresa has the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old and refused to deal with the fact that perhaps her friends intended to continue to socialize with someone who she didn’t like.

And that was sort of…it. Ashley continued to be an enormous brat, Teresa continued with her fart face, and somewhere at home, in the dark of her bedroom at the Giudice Conference Center, Miliania sharpened her knives and waited.

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  • Webaj


    You are the best.

    “2000 words on why Milania is going to grow up to be a hobo-killing sociopath.”

    I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I hope she doesn’t get rid of Gia too. Gia is the most sane person in that crazy family.

  • Engrmom

    I like Caroline and her family a lot. They have their set of standard and they’re not going to allow anybody change them. Unlike Lynn from och, Ashley will not allow to drink underage. I’m so admire them right now. They may not be the most entertain to watch but I like to watch them anyway bc they at least have moral and values unlike a lot of things that are showing on tv. Caroline can be blunt sometime but I believe she have to be that way when you’re surrounded by stupid.

  • Karen

    WONDERFUL RECAP!! I am dying over here with your need to start with spanish words to decribe that parasite Ashley! If you need help with espanol, let me know. I can whip out a list of 30 words in a minute! Milania is nuts and needs an old fashioned-beforeitwaspoliticallyincorrect-spanking! that kid is evil, i mean, it’s bad enough the girls have Teresa’s crazy eyes, but this kid esta LOCA!
    love reading your blog in general, but your RH recaps are the best!

  • CacklingHens

    Give me pizza, you old troll!

    • Really, I wish I could have written the recap only about her.

    • Amy

      I think this is my favorite RH line EVER!

      Yes, yes it is!

      • CacklingHens

        It’s now my favorite line too, LOL :-)

    • Kayla

      I loved in WWHL when Teresa says, “it’s okay, she was talking about Joe”

  • Pam

    Ashley, Milania and her mama, all need a good bitch-slapping. I think Melissa is okay and deserves the basement recording studio for putting up with non-juicy. I noticed Juicy was mostly absent for this episode although I thought I caught a glance of him at the New Year’s Eve party. Maybe he had to spend the weekend in jail?

    • Jennimer

      He was at the party. The final shot was of him dancing with Tre. He had a drink in one hand and was fondling her breasts with the other, his piggy eyes slit with pleasure…

  • audeen

    I love love love your recaps! They’re so dead on and frickin’ hilarious. I’ll never have to watch any of those Housewives shows ever again. Thanks!!!

  • Question for AMANDA!!

    So Amanda, what do you think about all of the emails and voicemails that Melissa sent Danielle Staub last year begging her to get on the show so she could “take down” Teresa?? Melissa is a SNAKE and anyone who doesnt see that is a moron!

    • Stephanie

      Is this what Teresa freaked out about at the reunion?

    • Ugh, this is the most annoying type of Housewives gossip, it’s like the “mean tweets” from RHNY – until everyone involved confirms that it happened or someone brings objective evidence forward, I couldn’t care less. Melissa’s coming off way better than Teresa on the show, and that’s what we’re talking about.

      • Question for AMANDA!!

        Melissa is a snake an so are her sisters. If my sister in law slithered her way onto my show w-out telling me id be mad too. Melissa sacrificed her family relationships for a non existent singing career. and btw, Danielle and Teresa both confirmed the emails and calls between Melissa and Danielle. Melissa is a snake!!

      • Citation?

  • P

    “2000 words on why Milania is going to grow up to be a hobo-killing sociopath”
    “somewhere at home, in the dark of her bedroom at the Giudice Conference Center, Miliania sharpened her knives and waited.”

    OMG! I literally needed my inhaler to stop the wheezing induced by reading those brilliant lines of yours! Priceless. Love the recaps Amanda! The show sucks, but your recaps make it worth it to lose an hour of my life every Sunday.

  • ame

    I must have rewound and replayed the “Give me pizza you fat old troll” line about 100 times. Then Teresa’s comment about 20 seconds later about how well behaved they are…I almost died.

    But your line about Milania being a sociopath…omg.

  • bia

    it’s not cool to say that a little 4yr old will grow up to be a killer. I get its like a line and you’re trying to be funny but, ugh.

    your reviews are so dry now. I used to crack up but now I just find myself rolling my eyes at everything.

    • Frankly, I’m surprised that people aren’t tired of the recaps (and the shows) completely. Real Housewives is the same people doing the same things, season after season, with very little change or progress. There’s not a whole lot left to say about it, and certainly not many jokes that haven’t been made by me or another recapper already. The recap is good when the show’s good, and the show hasn’t been good very often lately. At this point, Bravo is recycling plot lines for the third or fourth time. Melissa wants to be a pop star – didn’t we already do that with Kim and LuAnn?

    • Anna

      REALLY?! rolling your eyes? Did you leave your sence of humor in your car or smth? This was funny!

  • bisbee

    “somewhere at home, in the dark of her bedroom at the Giudice Conference Center, Miliania sharpened her knives and waited.”

    Another line that deserves to go down in history.

    Once again, well done Amanda!

  • RedHead

    Amanda – your recaps are the best part of the RH franchise. When I heard Milania call her Dad an old fat troll all I could think of (after I hoped her Dad would do something to discipline this brat) was; “Ohhh, I can hardly wait to see what Amanda will do with this.”

  • Anna

    OMG! I have to stop reading these at work, people look at me funny when i cant stop laughing. Milania sharpening her knoves – brilliant and the sad part i can picture it :) Excellent re-caps. How do we get you on Bravo with Andy coz these re-caps have to be shared on TV

  • JolieLaide

    Did Bravo plan it or is it just nature that Milania is Stewie from Family guy but without the english accent?

    • Ms. Z

      LOL! OMG, that is such a great comparison!!!!! Spot on!

  • Cookie Caroline

    I finally stopped laughing…so flippin funny. I totally wasn’t expecting that ending, hahahaha

  • hannah

    Teresa continued with her fart face, and somewhere at home, in the dark of her bedroom at the Giudice Conference Center, Miliania sharpened her knives and waited.

    bahahahahaah!!!!! that is so funny you said that about Milania because after my boyfriend watched it with me, and induced plenty of eye rolling, all he could continue to say is “why does that little girl seem like she wants to cut someone the entire show??”

    also, the quick clip between commercial breaks of Albie and Chris’s jokes about their mom’s hairstyle was hilarious!!!! they crack me up and I absolutely love that family — from last week when the husband gave her the ring, to this weeks Ashley-drink-cock-blocking to the amazing new years party that they should give away tickets in a contest for!! i dont know how such normal, amazing and sane people in a family would want to be on Real Housewives.

  • ellenbakes

    I have to agree with you, Amanda. None of the RH shows in their latest seasons have been good. They’re recycled, regurgitated plot lines that are so tired, I can’t even get it up enough to be snarky.

    At this point I’m more DISGUSTED by their behavior and I can’t believe that this franchise is still on the air. The RHNY reunion was so painful to watch, I couldn’t watch either in their entirety.

    I am hoping that the ladies from Beverly Hills finally give us a season of RH worth watching.

  • adrienne z

    I’m getting sick of all of these spoiled rotten inflated egos.
    I am, however, looking forward to Ashley getting kicked out of the house next week….. a little justice (hopefully) for “her majesty – the entitled one”.

  • Straycat

    Oh Milania! How did you become so interesting this year? From smacking your baby sister in the face, to playing with candle fire, to calling your father a troll. At least she didn’t scream “prostitiution whore” at Teresa when told her clothes were too small.

  • Californiahousewife

    ummm—what about that weird moment at the party when Juicy Joe is rubbing Teresa’s chest and made a really crude comment…anyone? right up there with the vibrating cock ring. Really out there. I want to like Teresa, and am trying to see her point of view: relatives showing up on a Bravo show, unannounced, and stealing her thunder a little bit all the while her husband seems to be in some kind of depression and one of her little girls is slapping and crying her way into everyone’s heart…all the while filing bankruptcy. Melissa seems to *try* to make peace and then talks smack behind Teresa’s back. I wish everyone would grow up and “do lunch” and move on. NOT A VACATION. What a Bravo set-up.

  • mochababe73

    In all honesty, I think that EVERYONE (Caroline, Jacqueline, Melissa) should just leave Teresa alone. She will make-up with Kathy if and when she’s ready. The more they push Teresa, the less likely she is to mend fences. Besides, we know what her husband put her through during this time. Just leave her alone. And, if she doesn’t come around, then she just doesn’t.
    Yeah, Milania is definitely the worse of the Giudice Girls.
    I don’t trust Melissa. So, I’m still holding out on whether or not I like her. She appears to be trying, but I something about her just doesn’t sit well with me. For some reason, and I can’t put my finger on it, I just don’t trust her.
    Kathy. What can I say? I don’t like her husband. I find him to be just as creepy as Russell (Taylor Armstrong’s Husband, RHBH). I think that Kathy should just leave it alone. This whole thing with Teresa is not going to resolve itself until she’s ready. Besides, her husband has said some pretty nasty things about the Giudices.
    I am hoping that Jacqueline really puts Ashley out next week. If she thinks that her dad is all that, she needs to live with him in TX. Doubt if that would happen since her father sees her twice a year.
    Caroline needs to just butt out of Teresa family business. Again, Teresa will make up when and if she’s ready. Housewives or not, no one likes to be pushed to do something that they’re not ready to do.
    Milania will grow up to be just fine. She appears be a typical, spoiled brat. However, I do think that she could turn out like Ashley if not reigned in.
    Bring on BEVERLY HILLS!

  • Kris K

    “What does she think she’s BAYonce or something?” – Theresa
    Ummm… did she mean Beyonce? And the Ursula taking Ariel’s voice…wow! She’s no mermaid that’s for sure lol

  • Californiahousewife

    I agree with mochababe—I think they are all forcing Teresa into something that she isn’t ready for and they don’t know the entire back story. I wish Teresa would just say: I have a lot on my plate, enough already. Isn’t Caroline doing something that she said Kim G. was doing—butting into people’s business and setting up a dramatic situation? perfect Caroline?!? shocking!

  • Purse Mommy

    Carolines family the Lauritas are a funny family, I follow them on twitter,but I guess they aren’t drama filled enough to be on the show. Which is sad because watching families fall apart is sort of sad to watch. 15 minutes of fame clearly makes people crazy and desperate Melissa I’m talking to you. If she hasn’t been paying attention the RH shows are sending their “stars” to the poor house. It might be the over spending. To quote crazy ass Danielle “pay attention”

  • D

    bia, I agree with you – It is NOT COOL at all to make a joke like that about any child. Its bad enough that this poor kid has to grow up with Teresa & Joe as parents. She is clearly fighting for attention & love. As a parent I immediately felt sad for her because she will never get the help she clearly will need.

    Its just terrible that she is portrayed this way on TV as well. I say shame on Bravo for including any of it – along with Gia vomitting in the other episode.

    I think you could muster up something else to get a laugh without it being a the expense of this poor little kid.

    As for Ashley – she is fair game – what a stupid, spoiled overgrown baby!

    How come no one mentioned the ridiculous pants that T was wearing while she was trying to get Milania dressed – hello camel toe!