This was another week of Real Housewives of DC where nothing really happened, and I came to a conclusion: I’d rather watch these housewives not do anything than perhaps any of the other housewives except those from New York. The crazy is so strong in this bunch that they don’t actually need activities for me to be amused and delighted.

That was particularly convenient last night, since other than one little party, some sage-burning and a trip to look at houses that Michaele and Tareq can’t actually afford, our ladies didn’t do much at all. Real Housewives of DC may not be a bonafide hit yet, but they’ve hooked me and reeled me in pretty good at this point.

This week started with a Mary/Cat get-together over some wine (and next to a Louis Vuitton that had seen better days), and Cat admitted that she struggles with worrying that she’s a bad mother and that she doesn’t do enough. For part of this portion of the show, the producers saw fit to subtitle Cat, which seemed kind of passive-aggressive and nasty. She speaks English. As a first language.

Mary talked about being in therapy, needing a lock for her closet, and having a sister who’s the same age as her daughter. Mary had Lolly when she was 20, and she had to live at home with her parents (and also, with her husband) for a little while after she was born. None of this conversation appeared to connect to any particular storyline that we’ve known about so far, and I’m not exactly sure why it happened now. We already knew about the lock and Lolly’s borrowing habits.

Next, Michaele called Stacie to ask for some help finding a house, which had trouble (and entertainment!) written all over it. They met up at the Four Seasons with Tareq and talked about budgets and options. Michaele just wants to stay at the Four Seasons for the rest of her life (that open-mouthed, wide-eyed thing she does when she’s trying to have a thought about the Four Seasons is the same look my dog gets when someone’s scratching her belly) and Tareq wants a condo where they can park 200 cars for a party, and they, uh, don’t have a price range. At least not a price range that’s in any way connected to how much they can actually afford spend on a house, that is.

Tareq said that he’s willing to spend up to eight million dollars on a house and that they’d finance it through the company, which Stacie isn’t buying any more than I am. He might as well have said he could spend up to eleventy zillion dollars in Japanese yen for all it matters – he doesn’t have the money. The winery is clearly not operational, and other than owning it, it’s not clear exactly Tareq and Michaele do. Well, I mean, I guess we know what they do – they’re grifters, they scam people and swindle money and take advantage. But what do they claim to do?

Speaking of moving, Lynda met with a dog trainer to get a German Shepherd for her new house because she had a break-in the last time that she lived in McLean. Because she doesn’t want to be married ever again, apparently a dog is the key to her safety. I’m not sure why she seems to think she can beat an intruder to death with a marriage license, but whatever. Her choice. And is this going to be a new Housewives thing – at least one cast member in each city has to have a security dog? Didn’t Caroline do that in New Jersey?

Anyway, in Cat’s corner of the world, something terrible had happened. A dear friend of hers had committed suicide back in England, and her husband was out of town. Only her kids were around to comfort her, which thankfully Cat didn’t force them to do, which may be the first and only noble thing that she’s done all season. She did seem genuinely bereaved, and as always, genuine emotions that don’t involve jealousy or rage are always uncomfortable to watch on this show.

We didn’t spend much time with Cat, though, because out in McLean, Lynda was being crazy again. This time she had moved on from the security dog to an astrologist, and she had Mary help her sage the new house. Lynda also read a Jewish blessing over the place, a faith to which she converted when she was 20 (clearly, there aren’t a whole lot of people being raised Jewish in South Georgia). Then she sprinkled some holy water on the steps and…isn’t that Catholic? Do Jews have holy water? Or sage, for that matter? I know the sage part can’t be a Jewish thing.

From the blessing of a house to the search for a new one, Stacie went out with Michaele and Tareq to ride around and point at houses from the back of a car. They couldn’t actually get out and tour at any properties because Tareq had failed to supply the bank information or proof of income that Stacie had told him was necessary, and if you couldn’t see that coming a mile away, you haven’t been paying close attention. Tareq got awkward and shifty when finances were brought up, sort of like he did at the winery before he dropped the bomb about Mary’s kid, but luckily he couldn’t think of an attention-diverting lie quickly enough and they arrived back to the Four Seasons.

Back at home, Stacie and her husband spoke about her situation with her biological mom, and things are still not going anywhere, largely because her mom has said that she will never reveal her father’s identity. Jason thinks that they should reach out to her mom’s son via Facebook, which sounds like an idea that’s simultaneously terrible and necessary. Her kids don’t know about Stacie, but if her birth mom refuses to work with her at all, I guess she really doesn’t have a whole lot of other options. If the birth mom’s son is over 18, I think he’s fair game. Jason seems to think so as well. Her mom can’t hide from this enormous part of her life forever, and she should have been honest with her family to begin with. Her inability to admit the life she’s had shouldn’t prevent Stacie from living hers.

Next up was a party, because we can’t have an episode of this show without one, it’s in the contracts or something. This one was a charity men’s fashion show organized by Lynda, who forced her assistant to get down on the floor and buckle her shoes for the event, causing me to think that secretly she may be the craziest person in the entire cast (when you consider that incident alongside her repeated mentions of weed throughout the episode, I think I have a pretty strong case). The party itself looked like fun, although Mary seemed to have mistaken the male models for strippers. For a moment, I thought she might run up to the runway to stuff a couple dollars in one model’s pants, and if she had been a few more sheets to the wind, she probably would have. As it was, she just made faces at Lolly across the room, who was wearing one of her dresses. Drat. Left the closet open again. As it turns out, the biometric lock doesn’t work unless you close the door.

Cat had gathered herself up to attend the party and was holding things together until a man approached the table who dressed like her recently-passed friend, and then she started crying in front of everyone and was clearly quite embarrassed. I felt bad for her but also had some sympathy for him – he had no idea what he was walking in to, but to his credit, he was very nice. Cat decided that she wouldn’t be going to her friend’s funeral, which I wonder if she’ll regret later.

On a slightly happier note, all of the best people on this show (Stacie, Jason, Mary and Mary’s husband, who doesn’t have a name) got together to have dinner and discuss the nastiness that went down at the vineyard with Tareq and Michaele. It also came out that Mary and Tareq have a lot of mutual friends from way back, and apparently he has a track record since childhood as troublemaker who takes advantage of people and doesn’t pay his bills (although I’m not sure exactly what type of bills a child might accrue). Surprising? Not so much. People don’t just suddenly become Tareq Salahi. They’re like that forever, like serial killers.

Speak of the devil, we next saw the Salahis at their “winery,” which seems to only be a winery in the most charitable definition of the word, complaining about Tareq’s mom and how much of a meanie she can be. Momma Salahi apparently isn’t much of a fan of Michaele, and while they were talking about such things, the sheriff’s department showed up to have them escorted off the property at the behest of his mother. Tareq acted like that happens all the time, but Michaele cried and said that she doesn’t leave because marriage is for better or for worse. When you’re quoting your marriage vows as the only reason that you stick around, perhaps it’s time to consider breaking them.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Handbag Lover

    Very good article Amanda. I love your writing but this show is boring to me. I will catch your recaps because they are more interesting then the show. I will have to file this one in the same stack as the RHONJ. :(

  • e.j.

    i don’t understand why you cover these shows on this blog

    • NCGal

      Because it’s a… PURSE blog…get it? Seriously? You don’t get it?

    • Kate M

      You get what you pay for, I guess :).

      I look forward to the recaps each week! Thanks, Amanda!

  • Matthew

    I love, love, love Stacie, but when I saw her comment from next week’s preview that “a marriage is between a man and a woman,” I got real skrd. Hrm.

    • That clip scared me too. Although we know how much Bravo loves to take things completely out of context to manufacture controversy in a preview, so that may be what was going on. Guess we’ll see next week.

  • NCGal

    I am soooooo done with Michaele being passed off as the ditsy innocent. She’s complicit in EVERYTHING she shows herself to participate in with that icky-slimy husband of hers, on an off camers. 8 million dollars? She’s isn’t an innocent, she’s just better looking than most lying, meth-mouth, shifty, toothless grifters.
    Boy, that felt good.

    • Jo Marie

      Do I know you? If not then I should.

  • Bagolicious

    Great recap! And I fell out laughing when Michaele mentioned that the house could be anywhere from a hundred thousand dollars to twelve million dollars. Oh, please, does she think we’re all stupid? And does she think that Stacey is stupid and not on to them and their BS?

    I really fell out when they drove past one of the huge estates, pointed it out, and oohed and aahed over it as if interested, and then Stacey discretely said, in a whisper-like tone, “Well, that one would be in the twenty five million dollar range as it has a lot of space”. I laughed myself into a tizzy as the Salahis obviously don’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of.

    And as for Mary and the closet situation, how difficult can it be to remember to close a closet? And especially if one’s clothes/shoes are so valuable to one? Duh.

    As for Stacey and finding out about her biological family, I can’t even imagine how awful that must be to not know one’s biological lineage. Plus, it’s something that one needs to know for medical reasons. And I think that if her half brother is an adult, they should use FaceBook. It’s ridiculous that her selfish mother is holding Stacey hostage like this. And the mother is still in contact with her biological father.

    As for Linda, a hot mess. Nothing more to be said. LOL!

    Keep the recaps coming. I look forward to a good laugh each week. Something to ease up the stresses of the REAL world.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Oh Amanda – you were SPOT ON! Loved your comments about The Grifters looking for houses from the back of a car. Hilarious! When I saw Stacie ask them about their “range” with a straight face, I knew it must have been difficult. She’s not stupid. I hope she didn’t put a lot of time into their home search. I thought I heard him say between $100k and $12 million and I laughed out loud. (I saw in your article he said $8 million, which is still a joke.) He nods his head when Stacie said she’ll need proof of assets. I thought to myself – I can’t wait to see him pull that off. I’ll bet as soon as he heard that, he thought “oh crap.” Didn’t see that one coming. He can afford a $12 million house, but can’t pick up the tab for a good friend’s party that he’s taking all the credit for? Is it even legal to purchase a residential home through a business? Seems a little fishy…

    • Jo Marie

      I think it very telling that Stacy never let the Salahis out of the car. Imagine those two prowling around your house in your absence.

  • Bagolicious

    Lisa: Tareg said eight million dollars. It was Michaele who said that it could be any where from a hundred thousand dollars to twelve million dollars.

  • Bagolicious

    I hit post too soon. Correction: anywhere.

    And , Tareg should have seen that one coming as far as having to present his financial records. I don’t know how it is around the whole U.S., but here in L.A., realtors aren’t going to waste their time with people whose finances can’t meet the types of high-end properties that they are desiring. And there are plenty of really high-end properties here.

  • D

    Great recap Amanda!!!

    I too was horrified that Lynda makes her assistants help her dress. A few weeks ago she had someone fetching a purse for her, this week she has someone on their hands and knees buckling her shoes – what is next?

    As for the saging of the hosue, I recall an episode of the Atlanta wives doing the same thing when Sheree finally moved into her new home after the divorce. As a matter of fact, I think it was also in a Jeff Lewis “Flipping Out” episode last year too.

    The Awful Twins looking for a new house, spare me please. Clearly, Michaele has no interest in ever leaving the Four Seasons. That limo ride was just an excuse to try to get more air time. Kudos to Stacie for keeping a straight face when confronting Tareq over financials. She is a class act!

    As for Stacie’s hubby pushing her to reach out to her mom’s son via Facebook, I’m not so sure I agree with such an approach. Although I haven’t quite figured out where the mom lives I would hope a face to face meeting with the mom would take place before involving her son.

    Overall I’m not hooked on this show. I still prefer Orange County and NYC. Maybe they will all go and vacation somewhere together like Florida, The Caribbean or Italy and spice things up a bit ha ha!

  • adrienne z

    Do love this show – didn’t think I would, but I was wrong. LOVE the fact that you recap these on PurseBlog. I check every day for all of the new comments. Convenient when I check PUrseBlog every day anyway!
    Love Stacie and her husband. They are both a class act, but down-to-earth, genuine, and wonderful human beings. Haven’t seen any fakiness in either one of them yet. Glad to see reality in a reality show! Keep up the great recaps, Amanda! You obviously have fans as well.

  • rhodc

    Isn’t Mary’s husband’s name Rich/Rick?

    The Awful Twins – oh gosh.. I laughed so loud when they mentioned up to $ 12 million lol

    I really feel for Stacie.. trying to find her biological father.. but she seems to have something against white people ( just get such impression)

  • Jen

    I think that Cat needs a new purse-She has been carrying around that same tired looking LV every episode! I bet Mary’s kitchen counter is cleaner than Cat’s purse:-)

  • bisbee

    Great recap, as always. I’m loving Mary more and more…she just needs to remember to close that closet! I also love Stacie and her husband, but I’m not sure about contacting her bio-mom’s son – I think they should let the bio-mom know that they may IF she doesn’t give up the info about the father…a little bit of blackmail might work…

    I also was a bit shocked at the marriage comment in the previews…I hope it was out of context, but I’m afraid it might not be. Stacie and her husband may hold that view because of their religious beliefs…but I’d hope they are more open-minded than that…

    • Lisa in Oregon

      Well said. I completely agree.

  • c.c.

    I love your recaps.

    I think they’re all a bit nuts on this show. Mary with the closet again. Is it really that hard to tell your adult daughter not to wear your clothes? Mary is always along for the ride- stomping grapes, waving sage in the air. The lady has too much time on her hands. Here’s a thought- clean up the dog poop on your yard instead of sending your maid out to do it. Or pretending to talk spanish to her and talk in english really slow. Tacky. I’ll skip the twins, you said it better than I could.

    As far as Stacie. Is it really that appropriate to discuss the whole adoption thing on a reality TV show? I used to like Stacie best, but I hate when people pretend to be above it all and not gossip and do nothing but gossip. Why are they on this show?

    I guess everyone on this show is assigned an issue.

    Kat- hubby away boo hoo
    Stacie- adoption drama
    Mary- closets
    Lynda- nuts
    Twins- grifters

  • Amy

    lmao i love the comment about the marriage license to defend yourself with against a robber. LOVE IT!