WELL. This is a little late! Sorry y’all, I had an extremely inconveniently scheduled doctor’s appointment this afternoon, so Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is running a tad behind schedule. And if you were the woman sitting next to me at Dos Toros during the lunch rush today, yapping into your Bluetooth about last week’s episode, then I totally agree with you about Kyle’s behavior.

Anyway, let’s get this show on the road. Last night’s episode centered around a spa party at Adrienne’s house that eclipsed every spa party we’ve ever seen in the history of Real Housewives, which is a not-insignificant number of spa parties. Someone pass me a gold-sprinkled, chocolate-dipped strawberry and let’s dish.

We opened the show with Lisa and Adrienne, who were at Adrienne’s house for a cooking lesson. You see, Adrienne can’t cook a chicken. I just roasted my very first chicken a couple of weeks ago, so I feel her pain – the first time you reach up a chicken’s butt for the giblets is traumatic. After that, though, things are relatively easy. You put the spices on the chicken, you put the chicken on the pan, you put the pan in the oven! That’s literally all you do!

Unless you’re Adrienne, that is, because her plan to roast a chicken involved some extra steps. Namely, washing the chicken with dish soap instead of just rinsing it with water like a normal person. She had salmonella poisoning one time, you see, so she’s extra careful. Does dish soap kill salmonella? I doubt it, right? I’m a very novice cook, and I certainly didn’t put any dish soap on my chicken. I did, however, manage to ruin my roommate’s roasting pan. But that’s not the point! My point is that the chicken tasted good and I did better than Adrienne.

Why does Adrienne need to know how to roast a chicken, though? I need to know how to do it because I can’t spend my entire paycheck ordering takeout from SeamlessWeb, but she already employs a private chef (who spied on the chicken lesson from the hallway, terrified), not to mention all the money in the world, so why waste an afternoon learning how to do things you’re not interested in doing? I wouldn’t be roasting chickens if I paid someone to do that kind of thing on my behalf.

Anyway, a contingent of non-cooking housewives (Kyle, Dana and Taylor) sat down poolside to discuss Brandi’s various neuroses. Apparently Brandi calls herself negative names because she wants to beat everyone else to the punch, which any armchair psychologist could have guessed. Brandi, for all of her flaws, is clearly someone who has had more than her fair share of insults flung her way not only recently, but probably over the span of her entire life. Her ex-husband humiliated her publicly and is try to run off with her kids, which is enough to make anyone a little down on themselves, even under the best of self-esteem circumstances. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what’s going on there, and although Kyle seemed to be sympathetic, those feelings seemed to vanish later.

Next up was another home visit from Lisa, this time to the old dude with the young girlfriend who threw that fabulous party last season. He still has the same gorgeous 20-something on his arm, and now he wants to throw another party, this time for Pandora. It’s going to be her birthday and she’s his god daughter, and who better to throw you a birthday fiesta than a rich guy with a 60,000 square foot marble palace for a house? That shindig will apparently be taking place next week.

Speaking of parties and marble palaces and rich people, Adrienne decided to get the girls together for a little afternoon spa party to erase the negativity of game night. Instead of taking everyone to some sketchy medispa for Botox like the more bougie Housewives (Orange County, I’m looking at you) tend to do, Adrienne just…bought all the spa equipment. She just bought it!

The laser machines, the spray tan booths, the oxygen facial stuff, the cellulite zappers, a bunch of aestheticians to operate all of the stations and some male models to serve champagne and gold-flecked strawberries to everyone – she bankrolled all of that. I’m fairly sure that once the manicurists and waiters and cellulite-zapper ladies were done, she just put them into storage instead of sending them back to whatever salon they usually work at. Adrienne’s the only person on TV who’s rich enough to buy other people. (Oprah’s not on anymore, otherwise Adrienne would be second on the list.)

After Kyle and Kim inexplicably wandered into Adrienne’s backyard to jump on her trampoline in their spa robes, everyone gathered back inside and Brandi showed up. Kyle acted like that was some sort of affront to decency, despite the fact that Adrienne is the one that brought her into the group and of course she would be there, but I guess that’s the kind of behavior we’ve come to expect from her and Kim in the past few episodes. Brandi didn’t seem to want to create any drama, but Kyle and Kim continued to look a metaphorical gift horse in the mouth and lose their freakin’ minds instead of enjoying their free unlimited spa treatments.

Meanwhile, Camille took the opportunity to once again embrace her new role as one of the sane people in the group. She talked calmly about hiring a second therapist for her son and how glad she was that he was in one place and going on play dates again, and that was after we saw her desperately trying to be friendly to an uninterested cater waiter. Camille will now be welcoming and cordial to a rock, given the opportunity, which exhibits a level of self-awareness that most Real Housewives never attain.

In stark contrast, the Bobbsey Twins and Lisa were cackling over God knows what about Brandi while some of the other housewives tried to broker peace talks between the two factions. Kyle agreed to hear what Brandi has to say but did not indicate that she would accept an apology, and somehow, Kim thought that was a huge betrayal. I can’t blame Brandi for wanting to have a one-on-one conversation, and Kyle is clearly the more lucid of the two with whom that conversation might happen. Kim’s increasingly warped sense of loyalty seemed to lead her to believe that Kyle acknowledging Brandi’s existence would be some kind of insult to her. I’m not sure exactly what Kim expected would happen, but suffice it to say that none of us know what’s going on in her head on a regular basis anyway.

Naturally, Kyle let Brandi fall on her sword and didn’t bother to be an equally mature person in return. As far as Real Housewives mea culpas go, Brandi’s was actually quite good, and she admitted to what she did wrong and explained her behavior without edging too far into justification. Kyle, on the other hand, tried to semantically wiggle out of insulting Brandi’s parenting skills and wasn’t willing to admit that her behavior that night had been inappropriate, up to and including stealing and hiding the crutches of a woman with a broken ankle. I’m wearing an ankle brace right now, and if I were on crutches and someone hid them from me, she had better thank her lucky stars that I didn’t see fit to beat the crap out of her with them once they were found.

Once everyone was back inside and Brandi had left for the afternoon, Kyle admitted to the rest of the group that perhaps they weren’t completely innocent, a statement which Kim found absolutely astonishing, if her facial expression was any suggestion. Brandi had a very good point, though – hadn’t Kim publicly declared that she didn’t like Brandi to the rest of the party after only having been around her for maybe an hour? I know that she’s clearly addled by…something, but Kim’s also an adult, which means that she’s accountable for her actions just like anyone else.

The question that we’re left with, then, is whether or not Brandi should apologize to Kim. From an etiquette standpoint, she probably should; accusing a relative stranger of being on a specific drug while you’re all being filmed for television is probably bad manners, even if that person is obviously intoxicated in some way. I don’t blame Brandi at all for pointing out the elephant in the room, but perhaps she could have picked a swankier drug? Coke? Coke would have been more polite, I think.

From a practical standpoint, though, I think Brandi made the right decision. There’s no way on earth that Kim’s going to even admit that she acted poorly, let alone apologize in turn for how horrible she was to Brandi. All of that happened before Brandi said anything about Kim’s trips to the bathroom, and I don’t think accusing someone of doing meth is really any worse. Kim, in her infinite emotional immaturity and possible continued inebriation, would have merely restarted the fight in the middle of Brandi’s apology.

To be the kind of person who gets all the apologies she’s owed in life, you have to also be the kind of person who might be prone to accept those apologies – gracious, reasonable, open-minded, secure. Kim is none of those things, in addition to possibly having an anxiety disorder and a substance problem, which means that broaching the issue with her would have just created additional drama. Not that there’s anything wrong with additional drama, of course.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Nancy from SB

    There was absolutely nothing to like about this sad and tedious episode. First Adrienne was rude to Lisa by saying “I’m bored!” when Lisa came over to teach her to cook. (I don’t really buy that she is all that “smart”.) Then both Lisa and Adrienne annoyed me when they relentlessly badgered Brandi to apologize to the mean girls (Kyle & Kim) – I kept thinking: Open your mouth, Brandi, and say – “YOU WEREN’T THERE! Where do you get off demanding apologies for something that is none of your business and to which you weren’t even a witness?” And why didn’t they demand that Kim and Kyle apologize to Brandi? They did start it – well Kim did and Kyle laughed uproariously like her sister was charming and funny. She is a sad clown wearing a hideous shiny silk shirt decorated with a giant bow, and eyebrows like a cartoon – permanently tilted up at an odd angle. Not charming, and I didn’t even mention her addictiion issues.
    It seemed like they all ganged up on Brandi (even mute Taylor, who I expected to say something, like back off Adrienne!), and I think Brandi only stayed at the event because of her contract (?) with Bravo.
    All that running around whispering (and “cackling” as you so aptly put it, Amanda) about Brandi at the spa was so grade-school! Kyle’s husband (who by the way, is not THAT great looking – although he does have a nice voice) must be mortified. And no one had the balls to bring up the fact that Brandi did make a valid point – all Kim’s trips to the bathroom were bizarre. According to the blogs, they were numerous and some lasted 15 minutes or more.

    PS Kyle needs to cut off that 1970’s Crystal Gayle outdated hair – she looks like Cousin Itt from the Adams family.

    • Alena

      totally agree! It made me very uncomfortable to watch how everybody was forcing Brandi to apologize not asking the same in return from Kyle and Kim, who started rude and nasty comments first at the game party. I feel for Brandi. And also, when Kyle said that they were not so innocent at that party and fought back, it wasn’t really true (at least from what was shown). They didn’t fight BACK, they actually ignited fight attacking Brandi. Just my 2 cents.

    • Alena

      and what’s with all that finger-pointing in the face gestures? I think it’s so low class, kinda trashy. Classy ladies don’t act like that. Well, I don’t consider Kim classy by any means, but Kyle?..

  • beaucz

    Here is the thing….. ido not think for one minute that any of these housewives want their peers throwing around personal speculations and then voicing when the cameras are rolling. What Brandi did was just wrong – not that Kim is right, she isn’t – Kim has a problem and is and easy target, much like a minor. That was a totally thoughtless comment on her part and I felt the same way when Kyle attacked Kim. Really??? Have an argument in front of millions and call someone out who obviously has an issue.? Does not make you the bigger person.

    • JenG

      I agree, but Kim and Kyle owed Brandi an apology as well. Brandi wasn’t the only one who was rude. Kim shouldn’t be on the show at all. She need to be in rehab or on a doctor’s couch. There is something wrong and Kyle can’t sit there and enable Kim. I just don’t like to watch people be picked on by anyone, even a person who is clearly in need of some type of help (Kim). No excuses!

  • c.c.

    The elephant in the room is Bravo for putting a person with obvious substance abuse/mental issues on a show. Not only do I think Bravo is aware of Kim’s issues but they actively seek people like this because it will make good TV.

    They dangle the crazy carrot on every housewife franchise then dump them when they’ve gotten all the publicity they want from them.

    So no, I don’t blame Brandi. She was calling it like she saw it to women she didn’t know and who were mean to her for no reason. Kim should never have been on that show in the first place. But look at their family dynamics and they’ll do anything to be in the spotlight. I feel bad for Kim and for her kids, but it’s not Brandi’s fault. Get pissed at the person in her family that isn’t inebriated and got her on the show or Bravo for allowing a sick person to be on a show because it makes good TV.

    • NCGal

      Well said, CC!!!

  • Nancy

    Aside from the fact that watching this show brings me back to high school (not that I had those problems, but high school girls can be bullies and very alpha), I want to address this little oddity:

    Looks like next week we’ll learn that Kim in love. Don’t know about you guys, but when I’m in love, nothing much bothers me. Everything is water on a duck. I can’t help but wonder about this relationship, which has apparently been clandestine for a while, and Kim’s recent behavior. Is he making her crazier? Why is she so anxious if she’s in love?

    • adrienne z

      I wonder if Kim’s secret boyfriend is married. Hence, even if she was cloud nine in love, there’d still be stress and problems, embarassment and worry which could overshadow the euphoria.

      • Nancy

        Oh…that’s an interesting take. Maybe you’re right

  • Nancy

    Just watching the re-run and have to say it really bothers me how Lisa and Adrienne, who were not even at the party, are saying things like “Well, she doesn’t have a filter.” and Lisa saying “I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me.” Both of them taking Kyle’s word at what happened and you can see Kyle’s little brain ticking way, thinking, “Gee, eventually they’ll see the episode and how awful we were even if no one else who was at the party will say anything …” Lisa vacillates between, “Oh, you have to say something,” and “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” If I ran into her on the street, I’d cross it.

  • Gatsby

    Isn’t BH a small town? Doesn’t Lisa wonder if being so nasty will effect her business? Doesn’t Mauricio worry that Kyle reflects badly on him? I do think Brandi stayed because she’s contractually obligated. I’m so glad she didn’t apologize to Kim.

    • Nancy

      Yes, Beverly Hills is a small town. Her restaurant stands out like a pink elephant on a stage of swans – it’s so completely out of step with other Beverly Hills establishments. And in this little city, it’s not a destination spot. My guess is it gets business from Euro trash (there’s always a population of those in BH) and tourists. To be fair, her place, Sur, is very cute and fits a nice little niche in West Hollywood. However, I question her expansion as there is a very popular bar just steps away. To answer your question, I doubt the people who frequent her BH place actually care, they might even get off on it. It’s not where “old money” (i.e. people with well-honed social skills) goes.

      • Gatsby

        Thank you Nancy, I love getting the scoop from the locals. I wondered how Lisa/her restaurant(s) were perceived there. Of course the show makes them sound like destinations but sounds like no so much.

  • Matthew

    I have three words: shut up, Dana.

  • Bagolicious

    What a train wreck of an episode. I don’t usually even watch the show, but for some reason have watched a few of the new episodes.

    And these “girls” need to grow up and act like the “women” that they are. They give Beverly Hills a bad name. I’m quite familiar with Beverly Hills and have many friends who either live there or have lived there and they are not loonie tunes like these women.

    And that one, who kept going on about the $25,000 sunglasses, is beyond crazy and insecure. She reminds me of a Johnnie-come-lately transplant who comes out here, from some obscure place, and then acts worse than “new money” people. Usually people with money don’t talk about it and don’t flaunt it. I’m from a city, in L.A. County, where there are a lot of people with “old money” and money and/or the cost of one’s possessions is never discussed.

  • Pinkfeet

    Kim..ah Kim. Who can stand to even be in the same room with her for more than 5 minutes? Her movements, the way she talks, facial expressions, not making sense…it drives me mad just being on TV.

    I know it drove Adrienne’s hubby to pop a Xanax when they went to the game together on that one episode.

    If she is not an addict, she is THE most annoying person in all of house wife history.

    Adrienne needs to get a spine. If those women were at my house, I would of told them ALL to stop the cattiness, the whispers, giggles etc. They were making the situation worse. Grown women? Hardly.

    Bitter, bitter women.

    I guess I feel for Brandi, while I don’t personally like her attitude ( having watched WWHL with Andy and she was on, she was kinda ..meh and nasty then) I have some empathy for her. I have dealt with mean girls myself and while they may not say something to your FACE…they do it behind your back so you can barely hear it, body language, a glance, a whisper so you can hear some of it… gossip.. it makes you angry, hurt, and you have done nothing wrong but be the new girl.

    I also want to know why all the ladies acted like they never heard of meth, didn’t know what it was, what it does etc. I myself have never used meth, crake, coke etc but know what the eff meth is! come on now!

    Oh I agree, they seek people with problems. I mean look at Teresa..and Ramona ( um pinot 24/7 is not an issue? ), Sonja? ( I do love her though)…but while I can stomach them and their annoying personalities..Kim I can’t even understand,comprehend and I long to reach into the TV to smack her into silence. And low light her hair.

    • Nancy

      It is odd they all don’t know what meth is. Have they never ready a newspaper? Okay, maybe not. Have they never watched one of the many iterations of Law & Order?

      • Alena

        yeah, they acted like that to make Brandi look like a pro in drugs… hypocrites

  • Kitty

    It was an awful episode. It made all of them look down right nasty especially Kyle, Kim and Lisa (oh yeah, I said it. She is nasty with her comments and she knows nothing of the situation with Brandi) I am totally on team Brandi. She clearly has enough personal problems. She was treated badly by Kim and Kyle. Kim looks like a sad washed out clown ( I hate clowns!) in a shiny outdated shirt from decades past, mean and unhappy. Brrrrr.

    • JenG

      LOL, Lisa is as nasty as the rest.

  • Kris

    Why were they walking around the spa party in robes & slippers but were all carrying their purses the entire time? I couldn’t figure it out. Also, many got facials with full faces of makeup on (and blush was still on after?) Made me laugh.
    There’s so much good gossip on Mauricio, especially since I’m in BH real estate too, but I have to call it “speculation” to be fair. He isn’t the perfect family man you see on Bravo, I know that. Sorry Kyle…

    • Kitty

      Do tell.

    • Gatsby

      Oh Kris, you have Mauricio gossip? Please share! I would think he would be embarrassed by Kyle. If I had big money I would be embarrassed that my agent was associated with Kyle. And I’m sorry but Mr. Smooth seems to be a little too good at courting the women.

    • Nancy

      I caught the purse thing, too. Odd. I also caught Andy’s show after and he asked Dana about it and she shook her head like a cartoon puppy after a brick fell on her and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

      Totally believe you about Mauricio. I imagine the show has been good for business, though

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Still on Team Brandi. VERY disappointed in Kyle as she has to know better. Can’t give Kim the same break, as she’s clearly not all there. Kim is the new Kelly from NYC. (Satchels of Gold!)

  • Mirna

    This season Kyle,Kim,and Lisa are just horrible. I like Brandi she needs to check them because they’re constantly out of line with the girl. Kim has no room to talk who is she? Brandi shouldn’t apologize I mean it’s obvious Kim has a problem and I think they got really mad bc finally someone called her out on it. At least Brandi is real.

  • Kris

    Mauricio loves the exposure, good or bad, from Kyle. So much so that he coincidentally opened his own real estate company, The Agency, after the first season aired. He had been with Hilton & Hyland for all of his career that Rick Hilton got him into when he met Kyle till the show ran. Then he was outta there. Turns out, he seriously resents Rick for numerous reasons dating back a long time ago re: their real estate transactions, commission splits, etc. As one of his former managers says, “Mauricio has a problem with the truth.”
    RHOBH is a dream come true for him. And as for him and Kyle, let’s just say he was linked to at least two agents at H&H that just I heard of . Kyle’s overcompensation of her “perfect marriage” is for a reason. Every in BH real estate knows it. Surprised no one’s leaked anything to the press by now actually…

    • Nancy

      Kris – I’m in your neighborhood, too. While you’re on “leaks,” I’ve heard some damning stuff about Lisa which I can’t repeat. Have you as well?

      • Kris

        Nancy: I don’t know the gossip on Lisa (!!) but I totally agree, her restaurant is all tourists and is out of place. I liked it better when it was Prego. I stick to Il Pastaio. I see Lisa’s buddy Mohammed and his model there all the time, not at Villa Blanca. That’s where locals go for good Italian. Unfortunately Mauricio and Kyle are there too a lot ;)

    • Gatsby

      Oh this is funny. Kyle’s reaction with the psychic seemed much if she didn’t think there was anything to worry about. And maybe the psychic just knew the local gossip.

      Nancy, Lisa really? I don’t think a self-made British couple from that arrive in the US with a bucket of money and a dream got there without skeletons in their closet. I bet there are many.

  • Kris

    Notice Rick and Kathy never came to anything of Kyle and Mauricio’s last season like her daughter’s grad party, etc? Yet they showed up to little events for Chad Rogers from Hilton & Hyland on a little show called “Million Dollar Real Esate.” Just sayin. Not a coincidence. Lots of family drama goin’ on there.

    • Kris

      I meant “Million Dollar Listing” sorry. Ok. There’s my gossip for the year.

    • Gatsby

      Kris, you’re right, didn’t they just send a card and a check? It’s not like Kathy doesn’t like the camera either, she definitely does.

  • Nancy

    Kris: I miss Prego. But who can beat Dan Tana’s for my Italian!

  • Pinkfeet

    Is Maurico the one who is is gossiped about having a kid with a maid/help ? They ” the gossips” say it’s one husband from BH houswives.. I’m guessing Maurico as Kyle is always going on and on about her perfect marriage, and he’s so smooth it’s disgusting.

  • hannah

    What about the small blurb we got between commercials where Mauricio (the hottest househusband in history!!) was in the pool with his daughters playing around and being beautiful?? That was a much appreciated moment for me!!

    Also, maybe if Brandi would’ve spouted off the other slang terms for crystal meth — crank, speed, amp, white crunch etc. (I’m a nurse, we have to ask some people that have altered mental status the other terms because they don’t know drugs as the official name when they’re intoxicated), maybe Kim would’ve had an aha moment and been all “ohhhh THAT’s what you mean! well yeah ofcourse that’s what i’ve been doing! why didn’t you just say so??”

  • adrienne z

    Alright…… I wanted to be the first one to say it ——-

    WHAT????!!!!!!!!!! OH MY!!!!!! WOW!!!!

  • adrienne z

    Either this is a complete JOKE and the joke is on US; Bravo is turning RHBH into a Sitcom, OR KIM IS COMPLETELY OFF HER ROCKER!! YUCK!!!! GROSS!!!! PHEUYYYYY!!!!
    I am NAUSEOUS!!

  • adrienne z

    Amanda – I’ve NEVER looked So Forward to your upcoming recap than RIGHT NOW!!!