For having Vegas, strippers, a million-dollar lollipop holder (Dana-Pam, natch), a trip to a TV show and a mini nervous breakdown, last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was actually surprisingly sedate. Perhaps the bar for all of those things has already been set so high by previous housewifery that we’ve all lost our collective ability to be surprised by any of it?

Bravo will come up with something new to surprise us, of course. They always do! But for now, let’s rehash another episode of male strippers and Herve Leger dresses, shall we? Sounds like a plan. Also, apologies about the title quote (or complete lack thereof). My bad!

We started with Lisa, as is customary, but this time she wasn’t with Pandora, she was with Taylor. They got together at one of Lisa’s restaurants to have lunch and talk about the disaster at the party last week, which Lisa didn’t see in person and, as it turns out, Taylor didn’t remember. Luckily for her…there’s video? Or maybe that’s rather unlucky? Kind of a tossup, depending on whether you look at Taylor as a sympathetic abusive victim or a famewhore. (I think she’s a lil’ bit of both, personally.) Anyway, Taylor weighs four pounds, so I’m guessing it doesn’t take much booze to get her blackout drunk.

Instead of talking about the nitty-gritty details of the fight, Taylor talked about how she’s washing her hands of Camille and how Kyle did the splits in front of everyone. She remembers that, but it was slightly earlier in the party, so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe that she wasn’t quite shitfaced yet. Speaking of shitfaced, Taylor’s going to go to Pandora’s bachelorette party in Vegas because Kyle can’t come. That’ll go well. Unstable people and Vegas always mix perfectly.

Elsewhere, Camille and Brandi got together with Camille’s friendployee DiDi to discuss why exactly it is that Taylor is so mad at Camille. As they pointed out, Taylor claims that Camille put Kennedy in jeopardy, but the only thing putting Kennedy in jeopardy is still being in a home with an abusive parent. Silence (and friends who are willing to look the other way) only make it possible for abuse to persist. The ladies also brought up the possibility that Lisa was only being nice to Taylor now in order to appear to be the one who saves the day, but Lisa offered help to Taylor long before Camille said anything public about the abuse. I like Camille and Brandi so far, but I’m not entirely buying that theory.

In far less serious news, Adrienne and Paul were at their house, getting ready to go to a taping of The Doctors to talk about being healthy while you’re extremely busy. They bickered while they packed their bags for the day, they bickered while they drove to the studio, they probably bicker in their sleep. It works for them, apparently. Bickering, by itself, probably doesn’t deserve its own scene. We did get to see that one cute doctor on the show who always wears the scrubs, though, so I guess that was worth it. Call me, scrubs-wearing dude from The Doctors.

Meanwhile, Kyle and Faye were at what appeared to be a giant chandelier store in order to pick out lighting for Kyle’s annual White Party. White Parties are kind of five years ago, but if it’s for a good cause, it’s for a good cause. Faye accidentally dropped a chandelier in front of the manager and made an enormous crashing sound, but based on her croc Birkin from a previous episode, I bet she can afford to pay for the damage.

Over with Lisa, we finally got our wedding planning scene for the episode. Lisa and Pandora went to a bridal salon to try on wedding dresses, and predictably, they were all extremely poofy and intricate and covered in silk flowers and ruching and fabric on top of fabric on top of fabric. It doesn’t necessarily surprise me that that’s Pandora’s style, but with the enormous budget that she most certainly has, I was hoping that she’d go high-fashion instead of OMG TAFFETA. That was probably a wish that was never going to be granted, but I like to dream big.

In Vegas, people had started to arrive for the simultaneous weekend parties that both Adrienne and Lisa seemed to be planning, and between them, everyone was at one hotel or another with the exception of both Kim and Kyle. As was already explained, Kyle had a previously scheduled photoshoot for her book that conflicted, and then we had the now-customary scene where Kim calls to make up an excuse about why she’s not coming via speakerphone. I think we’ve had more of those phone calls than actual scenes with Kim this season.

After checking in with the ladies in Vegas, we then skipped back to Beverly Hills to watch Kyle’s book photo shoot, or more accurately, to watch Kyle try (unsuccessfully) to get in touch with Kim before the shoot. Kim had promised to be there because it was a big day for Kyle, but naturally, she was shacked up with Ken and not answering her phone and probably stoned out of her gourd on something or other. Kyle went forward with the shoot, which actually looked great. It was a similar concept to Sonja’s book shoot from Real Housewives of New York – an evening gown in the kitchen – but it was executed in a much more beautiful way. Plus, there was a pup! I love a pup.

Before we even knew it, we were back to Vegas and the dueling parties. Dana-Pam showed up for Adrienne’s and had a diamond-encrusted lollipop holder (I shit you not) to show off to everyone (it cost a million dollars, because you asked), but the entire party quickly moved on to bowling. Like, in the suite. The suite had a bowling alley. That looked like a lot more fun than listening to Dana-Pam jabber on about all the expensive crap that she has, and Brandi somehow managed to make bowling in a boot look totally hot. I think it has something to do with how tall and thin she is. Yeah, that’s probably it.

While Adrienne & Co. were having fun at the Palms, Lisa and Taylor were visiting with the Chippendales dudes at…wherever the Chippendales dudes congregate. While the group was talking to the dancers backstage, we learned the difference between Real Housewives of Atlanta and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: cock socks! Which are, well…exactly what they sound like. Once onstage, the dancers gyrated on various props – settees, motorcycles, thin air. Pandora, Lisa and Taylor were then brought up onstage for lap dances, but none of them did anything even remotely interesting with the opportunity. Over at the Palms, Brandi and Camille were rubbing on each other much harder than anyone at the strip show.

Back in Beverly Hills, Kyle and Estella had gone vintage shopping to find Estella a dress for the White Party, and while they were successful at that, they were also successful at randomly (“randomly”) finding Kim on the street outside the shop. Kyle hauled her inside the store against Kim’s protestations over not wanting to talk to Estella (it was never explained why), and the two sisters sat down to chat. Perhaps predictably, the conversation quickly turned troubling.

Apparently Kim’s kids don’t like Ken any more than any of us do, and they’ve complained that they feel like they’re losing their mother and that they don’t hear from her anymore. Kim insists that she still calls every day and that she doesn’t know why the kids can’t just be happy for her, but when all of your grown children (not to mention your sister/babysitter) form similar opinions about the random dude you hid from them for a year and just moved in with, it might be worth it to consider whether or not they’re right.

Kim was clearly and genuinely sobbing for most of the conversation, which was tough to see. She was also quite thin, which is not something I’d normally comment about, but she looked frail compared to how we’ve seen her in the past and seemed just as emotionally frayed as Taylor did last week, even if there was less yelling and screaming and trying to claw people’s eyes out. The most recent news on Kim is that she’s checked herself back into rehab, so I can’t help but wonder if her relationship with Ken wasn’t the result of their mutual substance abuse. Few people get involved with obvious, active addicts who don’t have serious problems themselves, and drugs or booze or whatever Kim was (is?) using would make it easy for a controlling man to wield a ton of power over her. Has anyone heard if Kim is still with him now that she’s gone to rehab?

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Adrienne Z

    Was wondering the same thing about Kim if she’s still with convict-looking Ken but don’t know.
    I was wondering if you noticed during the Chipmunk show that Lisa was visibly annoyed with Taylor and her OverTheTop forced excitement while they were seated. She even said at one point that Taylor was hurting her and to get ahold of herself or something like that. I’m hoping that Lisa makes mention of that in next weeks episode.

    • Reality Junkie

      Taylor’s mouth…UGH…just when I thought it couldn’t get any bigger. She is just so hard to watch!

      • ninjaninja

        Ha ha ha! I had to fast forward that part and I still has to endure at least five seconds of that muppet mouth.

      • Ruthie

        “Muppet mouth”. PERfect description! I agree. It is really difficult to watch Taylor.

      • Jennimer

        Ha! “Muppet mouth” is what I privately call Nene. Nene looks like one big Muppet.

        And speaking of Nene, the Gawker recap called the store something like the Giant Chandelier/Nene Leakes Earring Store.

  • ninjaninja

    Does anybody know the designer of the Dress that Diana wore to the dinner/bowling at the Palms? I loved it!

    • Reality Junkie

      I’m sorry…who is Diana? I missed her…

  • ninjaninja

    And does anybody watch Archer? Diana looks like Pam! You can Google Pam from Archer and you can find a picture of her in a dirty white tank, and that’s how I see Diana!

  • suz

    Several hard to watch moments…..Kim sobbing and sobbing…made slightly more bearable because we know she went to rehab…..and Taylor unhinging her lower jaw and opening her mouth wider than is humanly possible (animatronic movie aliens come to mind). Not much else….oh yes….except Pandora has dreadful taste, and I wish she’d let her mother plan the wedding.

    • Emily

      Totally agree! The dresses that Pandora was trying on were heinous and tacky.

      • Bagolicious

        I agree. Her choices were beyond scary for her. I wonder what bridal shop that was? It looks familiar, but I can’t place it in BH.

    • Purse Mommy

      Poor Pandora is a Laura Ashley kinda gal.

  • Angela

    Yes, what WAS going on with Camille and Brandi?

    And did you hear Kim say that Ken made her go to bed at a certain time every night and all? Yeah, he’s a scary guy for her to be with.

  • meggy

    I read somewhere recently that Kim and Ken were not together anymore, that she was basically homeless and just going back and forth between friends’ houses. I can’t remember where I read it…

  • Jamie

    I don’t believe for a second that Taylor “doesn’t remember” what happened at the party. It may be hazy from her drinking, but she even mentioned that she didn’t understand why DiDi was so hostile to her – her memory was selective. I am also one who believes that she was perhaps the abuser in her marriage (not Russell) – it’s too easy to claim abuse publicly when the alleged attacker is dead. I think she is a calculating sociopath.

    Kim seems truly emotionally fragile (unlike Taylor). I am happy to hear that she is getting help and I hope that it does help her. There were some scary things she said about her relationship with Ken. Hope she is moving on.

    • Chellie

      Jamie, I totally agree about Taylor. She seems to me to be a manipulative sociopath.

      @ninjaninja… Hahahaha – “muppet mouth”. Perfect.

    • Adrienne Z

      Totally agree with your assessment of Taylor. I also believe she was the abuser in her marriage. I could picture her becoming so completely uncontrollable in arguments with her husband since that’s the way she has behaved in situations with other people that he may have had to put her in a headlock to shut her up or refrain her from hurting him and That was her perception of abuse by him.
      If she gets completely out of control every time in public with friends can you just imagine how she got with him? She belongs in a straitjacket.

    • candice

      I totally agree with you!! Mostly because of Taylor’s reaction when Camille exposed her, which seemed to me more like a defensive person caught in a lie than a victim scared for her life… I so glad to finally find people who are not so blindly sympathetic as soon as someone cries abuse

  • ls33

    Dana (not Diana) wore an Herve Leger dress as did Camille

  • Ruthie

    Amanda, did you know that the “scrubs-wearing dude” on The Doctors was the featured bachelor on “The Bachelor” several seasons back? You could have seen a whole season of him!

  • shallowgal

    those wedding dresses were hideous & I found myself randomly wondering how much they cost. I hate everything about weddings though, so I should just ignore my own musings on this.
    Yikes. Kyle stole her “let’s pose on the dining room table” idea from Sonja. lol. another lifestyle book! oh goody!!

    • suz

      Who buys those books anyway?

  • Mirna

    I did notice Kim say something about how he makes her sleep at a certain time. I don’t get how these women (kim&taylor) can scream and threaten other women but are controlled and abused by their men. If you’re gonna stand up for yourself do it when necessary not just bc you want to show off in front of others on tv!

  • Amy

    There isn’t anything better than reading about handbags on your blog. Oh wait, the RHWofBH is actually better. Hard to believe! I couldn’t agree more on the wacky Kim comments. She is so annoying when she’s on camera that I’m actually happy when I only have to hear her excuses on speakerphone. Taylor’s constant whining about her horrible life drives me nuts. She and Kim need to be sent off to the looney bin. Did you notice Taylor’s super dark and bushy eyebrows? And I would look at Brandi’s nipples any day over Taylor’s giant Muppet mouth.

  • suz

    OK…now thaqt everyone is on board with the Muppet thing… more time…..

  • love lisa

    anyone who knows which designer actually designed pandora’s wedding gown? it’s kinda hard to believe that she actually just bought a ready made gown!

    i do agree i don’t like her gown choices. not my style. it’s a bit terrible for me. but i think her style really more on fairytale-like pieces… really old world… but still, you can be old world and princess-sy without those wedding gowns she put on. sigh.

    • Reality Junkie

      @Suz..TOO FUNNY!
      Love Lisa I agree, it is hard to believe that Pandora didn’t have a custom made dress. I bet that ultimately she did and the producers just wanted some footage of her trying dresses on. We are being “treated” to the various steps of the wedding planning on a weekly basis. Like a lot of other commenters, I was absolutely shocked at how hideous her choices were! I was expecting something very fashionable. Those dresses, while I am sure they were expensive, were just plain awful.

  • Selene

    Pandora’s gown choices are indeed questionable. But who knows, they can easily hire a talented wedding photographer/photoshop wizard to remedy it’s tackiness and make it look high fashion on film.

    I hope that in spite of their new found ‘friendship,’ Lisa can still see how manipulative Taylor is, it’s so obvious with all the a*s kissing she is doing that Taylor is insincere and latches on to anyone with money (Remember how she treated Kim?). Adrienne isn’t buying it so Lisa is her target now. I found it weird that if she is so afraid of Russell, why would she befriend Lisa whom she and Russell are supposedly angry at for leaking info to Us Weekly? It doesn’t make any sense. But asking Taylor to make sense is like asking her to be blatantly honest, which is an impossible feat (Hello Shana! I mean, Taylor Hughes I mean Taylor Ford!) Her memory is also selective, since she could remember a bunch of stuff about Brandi’s party, yet conveniently ‘blacks out’ when she has a meltdown.

    I think it would be best if Bravo stops exploiting Taylor and Kim’s mental issues. I do feel for Kim, because I do think she has a kind heart. But Taylor, not so much. This lying, manipulate fame whore needs to be kicked out of the show.

    • Adrienne Z

      Good point about befriending Lisa who they thought leaked info about her to USWeekly. Didn’t think of that, but that leads me to believe that Taylor herself told the press BS about herself to stir the pot. She must have known that Lisa DID NOT leak to the press otherwise she would not want to befriend Lisa like that.
      Also – WHERE IN THE WORLD did US Weekly get that Picture of Taylor being underweight? (the one that Russell emailed to the girls)?? Only someone in her own home would have access to a picture like that!

  • Mirna

    I feel bad for russell in all this. His wife is nuts and I think she’s to blame for his death. She got what she wanted. Rid of the husband and 15 min of fame.

  • Mary

    Amanda, you crack me up! I’m addicted to your recap. It’s like gossiping without the guilt! For Christmas, I’m sending the link to my friends, or better yet, I’m not so that I can use words like friendployee and they’ll think I’m hilarious! I just can’t get enough. Thanks for making me laugh.

  • Jessica

    I don’t think that Dana-Pam actually owned that million dollar necklace. It is from the Sugar Factory candy store and I believe she was just loaned it to wear for the show and promote (she has worked with the Sugar Factory store before for parties she plans). She siad something along the lines of “You can buy it for 1 million dollars!” And if you noticed, when they were at the club dancing, she no longer had the necklace on!

  • camilla

    I agree 100%