First off, apologies if this recap of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills sucks. I’ve been under the weather recently with that bug that seems to be going around everywhere, no matter where you live or who you are, and I wrote most of it while face-down in a box of Kleenex. So, you know. Fair warning.
Now that that’s covered, the show must go on. And it went on last night, but not in particularly spectacular fashion. Everyone mostly behaved themselves, Camille was passive-aggressive, Russell was creepy and made the serial killer eyes. About par for the Beverly Hills course.
We started the episode at Lisa’s house, where Cedric was becoming an issue. He’s like the son who won’t get a job and won’t move out. He uses everyone’s gas and doesn’t fill the cars back up, he drinks Lisa’s booze and he lazes by the pool in a very tiny bathing suit while Ken and Lisa (and Giggy – Giggy clearly has the final call on this issue) argue about him in the garden. I have a feeling that Bravo’s next show is going to be a series about a bunch of fabulous gays competing to date/pay for Cedric. I’d watch that.
Over at Camille’s place, she was planning yet another party, this one with projectiles and weapons and everyone in their running shoes in order to make it easier for her to outright beat the crap out of Kyle rather than doing so metaphorically via a drunk, psychic friend like last time. Kyle agreed to come to the “tennis” party with her husband in tow, but I guess we’ll see if she actually survived it.
In the meantime, Kyle was planning her annual white party. White parties strike me as a little bit early-2000s (you know, back when Diddy was still known as Puff Daddy), but I’m willing to give Kyle a pass since I don’t find it difficult to believe that she might have been throwing white parties since back in the day when it was cool.
Speaking of parties, it was time for Lisa’s daughter Pandora to have her birthday party at one of her parents’ restaurants. Some of the other cast members were also there, as well as Pandora’s friends and her boyfriend, who got up, made a big declaration of his love and his desire to spend the rest of his life with Pandora…and then sat back down. I know that I’m not actually impacted by this show in any way, and it’s probably stupid for me to get emotionally invested in it, particularly in a character that we rarely see, but just put a ring on it, you asshole.. And if you’re not going to, sit your ass down.
In other party awkwardness, Kyle asked Cedric about his childhood. His mom was a prostitute, he never knew his dad, they moved around a lot and his mom eventually married a man who beat her. They ran away and lived on the street for a year when he was seven, and when he was eight, she left him at a phone booth and never came back. He ate cat food to survive until he got put into social services, and meeting Ken and Lisa changed his life.
Well. I guess that puts a whole new perspective on why Lisa is so attached and motherly toward him, and why he has yet to strike out on his own. Come here, Cedric. I’d like to give you a big hug and introduce you my best gay. I think you and he would get along swimmingly.
After a brief interlude into Taylor’s horror show of a marriage, it was time for the tennis party that we were all promised. They played some doubles, Camille kissed Nick on the lips in front of his uncomfortable-looking wife and Kyle and Adrienne stood around and sipped champagne while other people played tennis. Afterward, Camille had hired an actual English butler for an English tea service and we all got to hear how Adrienne’s son head-butted Paul and re-broke his nose.
Talk then unfortunately turned to the blowup that happened in New York City, but thankfully, both parties were able to dismiss the conflict and move on to other subjects with relatively few elbows being thrown. Pool time was up next and Kyle and Adrienne had declined to bring their bathing suits, which gave another opportunity for Camille to hem and haw about female jealousy.
And honestly, if they ladies are jealous of anything about Camille, it probably is her body. I’ll give her plenty of credit for that, although hiring other people to have your children for you probably helped keep that bikini physique intact. Proving herself the better sport, Kyle got up and hurled herself into the pool fully clothed, and Paul, uh, helped Adrienne be a good sport by pushing her in. It’s not like she can’t afford to replace that dress, I suppose.
Next up on the episode’s busy party schedule was Kyle’s white party, where everyone was a good sport about the dress code (I am not always such a good sport about dress codes that don’t jibe with the outfit I want to wear on that particular day) and the festivities actually looked sort of fun. I’m a big fan of any party that has a custom cheeseburger booth, naturally, and Kyle and Mauricio are an adorable couple that seem to know how to throw a good shindig.
In stark contrast, Taylor and Russell were…Taylor and Russell. He mostly stood in the corner and complained that the party would be going far too late, and all of the shots that we saw of Taylor seeming happy were conspicuously without him in the frame. Speaking of unhappy couples, Camille showed up to the party late and got straight to complaining to Lisa about the dwindling communication with her husband. Waiting for the other shoe to drop on Kelseygate is getting kind of tedious, no? We all know he was banging a flight attendent who misspells her name, and Bravo has been teasing us with it for what feels like months. And, come to think of it, it has been months.
Camille then presented Kyle with a book called How to Behave, which she seemed to think was funny but was actually not funny so much as passive-aggressive and awkward. Thankfully, Kyle had the opportunity to excuse herself to have a completely different kind of awkwardness, which manifested itself in a solo dance with her husband while a singer serenaded them. I know I may be in the minority, but the thought of getting up and having a “romantic” dance in front of a whole crowd of people makes want to crawl into a hole and hide. I’ll do lots of embarrassing, funny things in front of people, but for some reason, that’s beyond the pale for me. No thanks. Even at my eventual wedding.
Speaking of weddings, Taylor pulled Lisa aside to get her feedback on happy marriages and long-lasting relationships, and Lisa revealed that she and Ken were engaged after six weeks and married within three months. Normally I would recoil from that kind of stuff, but in the context of Lisa and Ken’s relationship and their personalities, it just…makes sense. Of course they got married that quickly, they were made for each other. And listening to the story, I couldn’t help but feel bad for Taylor, who seems to be asking around for some sort of secret move to make in order to make her marriage suddenly not-terrible. Unfortunately for her, no such move exists.
As if on cue, Russell once again tried to play the party pooper and yank Taylor out of the party before it was over and before she wanted to leave, but this time, she stayed. She stayed! I couldn’t believe it! She then fretted and worried and teared up a little bit over her decision, which she’s going to have to get over if she intends to stay married to this dude for his cash. I’m sure she doesn’t need her to tuck him in to bed at night, right? She ultimately decided to leave a bit later, but maybe this will pave the groundwork for her standing up for herself more in the future.
Meanwhile Mauricio, intent on being the perfect husband, jumped into the pool fully-clothed. It looks as though Kelsey will be doing him a solid next week and making him look even better in comparison by kicking Camille to the curb. Or maybe that actually makes Kelsey look better? It’s hard to keep up at this point.
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