Another episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, another hour of mostly filler where nothing awesome happened except an almost-fight. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by the table-flipping and wig-tugging of, as Ludacris would say, the hoes in other area codes, but all we saw last night was a tupperware party, some family problems with minor children that should have been private, an awkward office tanning party and a day at the races where everyone was more concerned with their big hats than the horses.

So, when is Lynn going to get kicked out of her house? When are we going to see the epic Alexis-Vicki smackdown that we were promised in the preseason previews? This season only has, at most, five more episodes (but likely four more and a two-part reunion), and I’m not even sure that Vicki and Alexis have met each other yet. These Housewives have phoned in this season thus far, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to phone in the recap.

Our first two plot points in this episode were fairly stereotypical for housewives: First, Tamra and Alexis played a flailing, exasperated game of tennis and then sat in the shade (being near trees made them feeling like they were in Manhattan, apparently, which makes me think that neither of them have ever seen New York City or trees) and talked some smack about Gretchen for reasons that I can’t entirely remember and that aren’t important anyway. In a fit of normalcy, Alexis wore something that covered her giant boobs.

One thing that they did talk about after the tennis match was the second stereotypical plot point, the upcoming tupperware party at Gretchen’s house. Tamra insisted she wouldn’t go to because she doesn’t like Gretchen’s blogging. Ok, whatever. As if anything Gretchen said about Tamra is worse than what Tamra continues to say about her every week on the show. Self-righteous indignation doesn’t fit her very well. Can they just agree that they’re both kind of crappy people and move on?

Gretchen wasn’t the only housewife that sat out – Vicki also didn’t show up, because apparently she works 24 hours a day, and also she had to fit in time to have aestheticians come and spray-tan and Botox everyone at her office, in an effort to give them some kind of reward that didn’t really seem like much of a reward to me. Particularly for the guy that had to strip down to his underwear and have it done on national TV. That’s got to violate some kind of OSHA rule, right?

Although, I have to admit, I use the “I can’t come, I have to work!” hooey to get out of going to stuff all the time. No one I know understands what exactly it is I do all day or knows my schedule, so it’s pretty easy. Since none of the other housewives appear to have held any sort of gainful employment in the last ten years, Vicki probably still has them all confused about what it is that she actually does, or when she actually does it. If I was invited to a tupperware party, I would “have to work” too.

Too bad for Vicki, though, since she missed the best fireworks since the season’s first episode. First, there was tequila. That’s a respectable way to get any party started, right? Then, when everyone was good and liquored up, they brought out the drag queen. Her name was Kay Sedia (say it fast a few times), and she was a Tijuana-bred international fashion model that also sold tupperware in her spare time. Everyone, including the straight guys at the party, seemed to think that this was all in good fun. Except Alpha Douche Jim.

Only men that are deeply uncomfortable with their sexuality are unnerved by drag queens. Of course, only men that are deeply uncomfortable with their sexuality need to make sure that they have the hottest wife in town and constantly parade her around in the tiniest outfits possible. Maybe Alpha Douche Jim has something to tell all of us.

In another colossal display of insecurity, this time coming from the other side of Mr. and Mrs. Alpha Douche, Alexis made a public scene and was about to throw some bows on some poor little brunette woman that had the nerve to speak to her husband. First, I think it’s a little presumptuous of Alexis to assume that anyone would want to hit on him without at least seeing some ATM receipts. Hello, I doubt Alexis banged him without running a credit check first. The man is so slimy that he probably leaves a trail when he moves, and random women don’t risk life and limb to hit on that at a party when the guy’s wife is also present.

Second, I hate hate hate it when women blame other women for inappropriate behavior without holding their men responsible. Not only did we not see any proof of inappropriate behavior of any kind (and if the room was full of cameras, wouldn’t we have seen it?), but if Alexis thought that Alpha Douche Jim was entertaining the (nonexistent) advances of another woman and not trying to remove himself from the situation, isn’t that cause to be mad at him? I mean, he said the vows and everything, right? Wouldn’t Jesus be really disappointed in him? Shouldn’t she remind him of how he’s disappointing Jesus?!?!

Instead, she fully realized the hysterical woman stereotype in front of everyone, and her husband had to extract her from the party, lest she rip that woman’s face off for the crime of leaning on her husband’s chair. When Gretchen later asked Alpha Douche if her friend had actually been flirting with him, he couldn’t even look her in the eye when he hesitated and said “maybe a little flirty.” Doesn’t surprise me that he’s not a good liar – he’s not confident enough. After all, Jim is too insecure to allow Alexis out of his sight. Alexis returns the favor by being too insecure to remain composed when Jim speaks to another woman. Their relationship sucks all of the air out of the room.

After making a scene at her party, Mr. and Mrs. Alpha Douche decided to smooth things over by going to a horse race with Gretchen and Slade, during which I think I actually might have nodded off a little bit. They talked about Tamra a little bit, and about having Alexis play mediator, and then about their hats. Moving on.

The only person left to talk about is Lynn, and by extension, her train-wreck of a family. I wish I didn’t have to because the whole thing makes me kind of sick to my stomach, but this is what they pay me for. Lynn continued to be a spectacular failure as a parent by grounding her daughter Alexa and then doing absolutely nothing to enforce it or to punish her when she flagrantly disobeyed. Then she set up an appointment with that teen-whisperer lady from a few episodes ago, and Alexa didn’t bother to show up. Then Alexa cried about how she felt like she was the bad guy.

It was all just kind of gross and unpleasant to watch, because Alexa is, what, 16? 17? If that? It’s not her fault that her parents both seem like they’re functionally illiterate and incapable of parenting her. She didn’t ask for that, and she also didn’t ask to have her teen growing pains broadcast on TV for people like me to pick apart. She doesn’t seem like the ideal kid, but I think basically all of that blame has to go to Lynn and her husband – if Alexa thinks that negotiating with her parents after she completely disregarded her grounding is a reasonable expectation, it’s only because they’re the ones that have made her think that.

If I had been grounded as a teenager and left my house anyway, and my parents had found out where I was (as Alexa’s did), they would have marched straight down there, embarrassed the crap out of me, and dragged me to the car. I was fully aware of that, and that’s why I behaved myself. Alexa made a very salient point about her parents in all of this – she’s going to push them until they do something to her, and she’s yet to find the point at which they will. I shudder to think what that point may be, but she’s completely right. Perhaps if Lynn wasn’t so distracted by shiny objects and her own aging body, her kid would have a chance. Now? Unlikely.

In an effort to end this on not such a sour note, did anyone notice Gretchen’s TurboTax commercial in the middle of the show? If you’re trying to convince America that your software is idiot proof, I guess the best way to do that is to show one of the Real Housewives using it. I was dubious at first, but on reflection, the whole thing seems surprisingly brilliant.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Diva V

    lol i love your recap its better than the show lol
    please dont stop

  • “Then she set up an appointment with that teen-whisperer lady from a few episodes ago, and Alexa didn’t bother to show up. Then Alexa cried about how she felt like she was the bad guy.”

    Teen-whisperer, LOVE IT!

    I could not stand to watch Lynn and what’s-his-face last night. Their lack of parenting skills is alarming.

    Like you, if I ever left my house when my parents told me not to, I know I would a) have been found and b) been embarrassed so extremely that I would NOT do that again.

  • shop2drop1

    Wonderful recap, as usual. This season I’m finding your recap loads better than the actual show.

    Did anyone notice the nude/tan Chanel flap thrown on the sand when Alexa & Raquel where laying out on the beach? I almost died seeing it tossed on the sand like it was a tote from LL Bean.

  • I’d like to put out there that it confuses me endlessly that there are people named both Alexis and Alexa on this show. My fingers never type the right one.

  • Bagolicious

    Lynn and her husband are beyond pathetic. I couldn’t believe it when her husband made the comment , after Alexa’s ump-tenth act of defiance, “But we’re so NICE to the girls”. Like, huh? So, they’re supposed to behave and show some respect because you’re so “nice” to them? It’s not “nice” that’s the problem, it’s having no boundaries or accountability for any of their out of control and disrespectful behavior. If I or any of my close friends had even tried to pull one-tenth of the crap that those girls have pulled or had talked to our parents the way that they do, we would probably not be here on this earth to be writing about it now! LOL! They absolutely would not have had it. End of story.

    And when”17 year old” Alexa defiantly sashayed out of the house with her “Chanel” handbag dangling from her shoulder, I just had to really shake my head in disgust. That child doesn’t deserve a paperbag, not less a Chanel bag! Umph….umph…umph….

    • No joke, my parents would have ended my life. It would have been epic and ugly and painful. Alexa has never received an ounce of parenting in her life and is basically feral, and now that she’s old enough to seriously act out, her parents wonder why she never does anything that they want. It’s not rocket science.

  • S

    I really feel sorry for Lynn and her husband. They clearly have no clue that not being nice is not the problem. People really should take parenting classes before having kids. The sad thing is that Lynn and her husband seem like nice people. Hopefully their kids will grow out of it. And the preview for next week’s episode shows Gretchen giving unsolicited advice AGAIN to Lynn and Lynn just about having it. Lynn needs advice, but I know it shouldn’t be from Gretchen! I’m sure that the last thing Lynn wants is her daughter’s naked pictures w/ a random guy being blasted all through the internet all the while she is dating some old dying rich guy. These people are so self-righteous it baffles me. One more thing about Gretchen: she laughed again when Slade made fun of one of her friends and did the obligatory “That’s mean!” I think because she makes sure to point out that he’s mean (while laughing at his jokes) she gets all these brownie points from not so smart fans. It really reminds me of the mean girls in high school.
    And if Jim isn’t lying, he mentioned in the limo that he told the brunette he had a wife 3 times. I think that would be why Alexis wasn’t mad at him. Yeah she totally overreacted. But honestly I wouldn’t want some random girl leaning against my man even after he told her about me. We didn’t get to really see what happened which sucks. I want to like someone out of this group! But Alexa’s reaction was just bizarre.

    • What he was saying to Gretchen in the limo just didn’t pass the truth sniff test for me. He couldn’t look anyone in the face while saying it and it just didn’t quite jibe with the rest of what he said – that he never has any idea when someone is hitting on him, etc. If he didn’t have any idea, why was he telling the woman over and over about his wife?

      • Honestly, for me, unless someone was literally trying to kiss my husband/hold him/grab him, I wouldn’t get so upset. It was SO bizarre!

    • gallerina

      I can’t wait for next week’s episode just to see what Gretchen says. I like the fact that Gretchen is giving advice to Lynne abut her kids. To me it says, if a woman with no kids and dirty pics on the internet can give you better parenting advice than you can come up with yourself, what is wrong with the situation? Also, I do think that Gretchen is one of those people who laughs at everything and men have a tendency to give their friends a hard time/make jokes about them which can often translate to joking about their girlfriend’s friends when you are in a relationship. I don’t think that Gretchen laughing at him should be taken as being disloyal to her friends.

      • Redd

        I agree Gretchen laughs at everything!

    • Nancy

      Your post sums it up for me – thanks! Gretchen is a real peice of work. Most of the others are just dumb and materialistic except for Vicki, she’s smart as a whip and materialistic.

      I HAVE to watch this show and then I’m not only disgusted by everyone on the show but with myself for having to watch it.

      And one more thing that has me wondering and baffled, if Jenna is so broke from the real estate down turn (even needing to ask Vicki for money), why did she quit the show when it’s a source of income???? Could it be she’s moving to Beverly Hills and will be the Grand Dame of that show???

      • Nancy

        To clarify -S’s post sums it up for me. My reply appeared out of sequence.

        I always love Amanda’s recaps!

  • S

    And also I love your recaps. I totally look forward to them even after I’ve watched the show!!

  • 19yearslater

    Is Alexis the crazy one who thinks she has God on speed-dial?

  • Sher77

    Amanda, LOVE YOU. So funny! Alexis’s husband is super creepy. What does he do for a living?? Maybe all that was just for the show. Surely Alexis doesn’t think anyone wants him, but if he has a lot of money, sadly, someone might want him. It looked real. I don’t think Lynn looks any different than before the facelift last night.

  • cassiescloset

    I agree that Alpha Douche is really creepy and no sane woman would come on to that turd. He’s so gross and if I were trophy-wife Alexis, I would be happy for Alpha Douche to get a little on the side and leave me alone. As for Lynn, Gretchen is right that she doesn’t listen to her kids. The kid was asking for boundaries and commented how she hasn’t reached it yet. Take the damn cell phone away, put the little b—- on restrictions and be a parent. Gretchen would probably make a more responsible parent than Lynn, who is too busy worrying about her next trip to the plastic surgeon’s office.

  • Babs

    Great recap! And I agree with every one else and can’t imagine any woman in her right mind hitting on Alexis’ husband…nasty nasty nasty!! But how insecure is he that he can’t even let his wife go to a tupperware party without him tagging along?! He should have stayed home with the kids and Alexis would never have had her little “jealousy” outbreak. Sorry Alexis, you are a beautiful woman but I think you can do way better than Alpha Douche!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Handbag Lover

    Girl, GREAT RECAP! You are hitting it out of the ballpark. My favorite line is ” as Ludacris would say, the hoes in other area codes” I almost fell out my chair. lolol

    IMO, Lyne and her husband need to put their foot down with these girls. They are not giving them any direction. My mom and dad would have whipped my a$$ and kept it moving. Kids (some of them) these days are spoiled & given way to much stuff. Parents are younger and still trying to live THEIR life and don’t have time to raise the children and they are trying to be their friends. They have no fear or respect in them at all.

    Alexis and her husband are totally, i mean totally, too much. Not even worth mentioning for real. Gretchen is very phoney.

    • I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that someone liked the Ludacris reference :-D. You can take the girl out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the Atlanta out of the girl.

      • Handbag Lover

        I gotcha girl, Atlanta is my home and I love it! Keep it coming. Ha!

  • misslisa

    Because most of my literate, well-educated friends refuse to watch “housewives” with me, I’m thrilled to have recaps (and comments) that reflect the talking that goes on in my head…thank you all :-)
    It would be nice if Lynne (and her husband!) could give us facial expressions beyond puzzled confusion at their daughter’s rebellious ways. It was sad that Lynne’s face was so surgically enhanced and botoxed that she couldn’t express her anger, but it usually shows up in one’s EYES!!! And how to explain her husband’s lack of expression? My parents would have hunted me down and killed me. (I asked my father for a car for my 16th, and he laughed until he cried…and then laughed some more, and he’s a reserved Brit!) I think Alexis is earning the big bucks – imagine having sex with Alpha Douche, eeeeeuuuueeeeuuuuwww!

  • aka55

    This show used to make me feel better in that convoluted way that watching others screw up makes one feel better about oneself. Now it just makes me sad. Why? Because in it I see all too clearly what is wrong with our self-absorbed, self-indulgent society. In this microcosm of modern, middle America we can painfully view what went wrong & sadly see where we are headed next.

    Our sense of entitlement, as viewed through this lens, is untenable; it has led us to some dark places & somehow blinded us to just how dark these places are. Since when is it rewarding to have live botulism injected into one’s face & orange chemicals sprayed thickly onto one’s body? Are you kidding me? If Coto Insurance were a 3rd world country & Vicki it’s dictator (interesting analogy, huh?), she would be brought up on charges by Amnesty International.

    I must admit that, for me, this show wasn’t as bad as many of the others; mostly because we didn’t have to see or hear Simon this week. Also, we were given a glimpse of just how aptly paired are the Alpha Douches. There’s is most certainly an inspired match, although I think it unfair to blame God for this one.

    However, the highlight of the show (how sad is this) was when a woman at the party pointed out that Jim’s a troll & no one would hit on him! Okay, so that’s not what she said, but you could tell that’s what she meant
    by the way she said “…he’s not hot”.

    Why do I keep watching? It’s hard to refrain from gawking at a wreck…

  • mochababe73

    I am still in the minority. I really like Alexis. My husband often calls me high maintenance, but I take it in stride. I’m a teacher with no credit cards (13 years and counting).
    My husband and I talked about Lynn and her mess of a family. Our son is currently on groundation (our term for it). The whole thing about groudations is to make the child MISERABLE. It’s difficult because sometimes that means that you have to be miserable as well to keep an eye on your child and make sure that they are fulfilling the terms of the groundation contract. In which we and our son sign and date.
    Would I have behaved like Alexis. Maybe. But I have seen women flirt with my husband so unless it becomes disrespectful, I won’t say anything. Apparently, it must have become disrespectful to Alexis. Of course, she has to protect her meal ticket.
    I read Tamra and Simon’s blogs. He said that he can tell that Tamra was enjoying being single and that’s what she wants. I agree, but I also agree that it will get old, and she’ll realize that she should have worked on her marriage and made Simon deal with the change that she was making for herself. Eventually, he would have come around.
    Poor Alexa. She needs someone to talk to because her parents are airheads. She lost that opportunity when she and her Loopy Lynn decided to throw her under the bus so to speak. If I had done what she did, my father would have changed the locks and never given me the new key. And, I believed him. I am an adult woman with a husband and two children, and I don’t even use foul language in front of my father.
    As for Vicki, read her blog on bravotv. There was more to the employee appreciation that wasn’t shown. Love Vicki, Gretchen, and Alexis.
    Can’t wait for next week’s episode. This is the first year that I have watched the OC, and I love it just as much as I love the NY wives.

  • Jean

    Can you imagine watching the show woth your family and realize your kid is talking trash about you? Alexa said she knew how to work her parents…..even her sister said she was embarassed by her break down. And to have your child say that she likes to party and those were not clothes she left in…and the maneater comment a few episodes back….I would cringe if anyone saw my 17 year old say that on tv!!!

  • PhotoGirl

    “I think it’s a little presumptuous of Alexis to assume that anyone would want to hit on him without at least seeing some ATM receipts.”

    Never watch the show, always read your recaps.
    Now I have to go get some paper towels to clean up the Coke Zero that I spat all over the place when I read the above quote.

    You are too much, girl!

  • Redd

    If I was one of Vicki’s employees I would have wanted money, not botox or a tan. And as far as Lynn and Alexa I feel on these Housewives shows alot of the children have more common sense than the parents. And that is how I feel about Lynn/Alexa. Alexa made the point that how can they try and use rules now when she has done what she wants for years. Lynn is too busy thinking about face lifts and jewelry to parent her child. At this point Gretchen need to stay out of it because the only thing that will get though to Lynn will be something bad to happen for her to relies there is a problem with Alexa. I honestly feel bad for Alexa she need help and they need to stop putting things about her on the show!

  • jennifer

    HAHAHA!! Love it!! I just found your blog and I am kicking myself–I’m enjoying this more than the show! So grateful to find out that I am not the only one who thinks Alexis and Jim are nauseating and that the term Douche has been used in more than one way to describe him and also that Lynne and Frank are clueless people thus lending themselves to even more vapid parents…I used to think that Lynne was the more airheaded of the two, but after hearing Frank say he thought that they just needed to EASE up on Alexa, I realized she may have slightly more functionality as a thinking being that he does…also, when the hell did any of us ever get grounded over the phone!!!!???? I’m too tired to point out Tamra’s lack of insight into her own horrendous parenting and am grateful that Vicki was only on for a few minutes–even though they were minutes where she apparently thinks her staff is pale and wrinkly and the greatest gift she could give was to try to make them all look like her…YIKES!!!

  • ali

    Thanks for the recap! Now I have to find the show and watch Alexis freak out on Jim. I can’t wait! The fact that she has NO confidence in his fidelity is very telling – so much for the moral superiority of fundy christians. I can’t imagine being so insecure about my marriage; it must make her miserable, which is really, really, sad, because we all seem to agree, who else would want him?!?! (((shudder)))

  • Suzie Z

    I am stealing that nickname ” alpha douche “. Love it!