And so, it was over. Not the season, I mean. That’s not over until next week. Just the good part of the season.

In the conclusion of Real Housewives of New York City‘s three-episode insanity tour of Shutter Island St. John, things became somewhat less insane, and it was sort of sad (the reduction in insanity, not the episode itself). We knew that this storied period in Housewives history had to end, but that doesn’t mean that any of us wanted to see it go. Except for Kelly Bensimon, of course. And probably Jill.

The episode started in St. John once again, where everyone was (perhaps surprisingly) still alive after Kelly’s disaster the previous evening. They have been all still alive, but they weren’t all still there – Kelly sprouted wings and flew off the island like Puff the Magic Dragon (lived by the sea…or she left in a Jeep. Whatev. Choose your own adventure.) during the night, and the four remaining women sat around and talked about how happy they were that Kelly had left them to cartwheel into the ocean and all the way back to New York.

The remaining housewives proceeded to be massaged, do yoga, snorkel, get mani/pedis and lay in the sun. They talked about lots of soft, fuzzy emotions, like how happy Ramona was that they came and how loved she felt! No one told them that feeling things was very 1979 and they all smiled and looked like they were having fun. But if we know one thing, it’s that this trip (and this show) is not supposed to be fun.


Jill! Jill is the only person capable of making that noise. She showed up to make everyone’s vacation better and more special, because a little Jill improves everything! My favorite part of the whole scene was the fact that, for a few moments, everyone refused to acknowledge that she and Bobby even existed. They all just stared off into the middle distance and tried to make her disappear by sheer force of will, but since it’s impossible for anyone except Kelly to liquefy people with thoughts, she continued to exist. For a moment, they all regretted that Kelly had gone home.

Instead of getting the warm reception that Jill expects will greet her wherever she goes, Ramona demanded to know why she was there and then Bethenny and Alex both looked like they were going to cry. Sonja, of course, was too drunk to care. No one was talking so Jill kept babbling about St. Barts and the house and pedicures and HI BETHENNY. She finally put her tail between her legs and left, barely in time to avoid the second nervous breakdown of the weekend, this time from Alex.

Jill clearly seemed to think that her presence was the greatest gift that she could give to any of those women, and when Ramona came outside to apologize and explain why she couldn’t stay, all Jill did was complain about the money she spent getting there and how MEAN everyone else was to her and that SHE WAS A GUEST TOO AND SHE WAS GOING TO DO A TAKESIES BACKSIES ON HER FRIENDSHIP WITH RAMONA. AGAIN. Somehow, it never seemed to occur to Jill that no one wanted her there because she had finally done enough to alienate all of her friends. Except LuAnn. But no one cares about LuAnn.

With Jill gone, the remaining vacationers continued at dinner what they had started that morning – talking about how relaxed and happy they felt without Jill, LuAnn and Kelly. They cooed about Bethenny’s baby bump and sonograms and giving the Heimlich Maneuver to poodles, a subject that came up after Kelly’s ghost tried to come back to St. John and choke Ramona to death. Also, they all picked Sonja’s brain for information about penis size.

And the cuteness continued – Alex and Sonja threw a simultaneous bridal shower for both Ramona AND Bethenny. They gave them lots of skanky-luxe gifts that were actually kind of fun and hilarious, and then they made wedding dresses out of toilet paper, which is a challenge that the Project Runway producers will surely steal for next season (and honestly, I’m surprised that they haven’t already done it.) For a split second, I actually wanted to be on the show. I would like someone to gift me with a set of Swarovski-encrusted light bondage gear. Sure.

That adorable positivity didn’t last long! Back in New York, Jill, LuAnn and stealth housewife Jennifer got together to have lunch and explain to each other why they’re so much more awesome than the other women. And then Kelly showed up, and it would have been so perfect if there had been some sort of tragic accident and the whole place just burned down. Like, straight to the ground, and perhaps Jennifer escapes because we don’t know enough about her to really hate her yet.

Kelly started gossiping about the trip immediately: she complained that they were gossiping (that would be irony, if Kelly knew what irony was), fighting and competing with each other and generally being horrible. Jennifer asked for an example of any of these behaviors, but Kelly said it didn’t matter and plowed right ahead, saying that Bethenny told her to have a one-night stand (it was Sonja, you moron) and that none of her friends had ever hired Bethenny to so much as pop popcorn (of course she didn’t actually say it like that, in a complete sentence with a little joke, she just mumbled some things and rolled her eyes and dug her fingernails into the table and made that face where you can see all 85 of her teeth).

Even Jill said it wasn’t ok for Kelly to call Bethenny a ho bag and Jennifer said that she didn’t want to judge without the other side of the story. When compared to Kelly, all three of them sounded downright circumspect and mature. While all of that was going on, I sort of felt bad about wishing that the restaurant would burn down, and I changed my mind and merely wished that someone would set Kelly on fire. Yes, that.

Thankfully, Kelly wasn’t invited to the show’s next get-together. Sonja threw an art party at her giant house and everyone kissed each others’ cheeks and drank champagne, and they looked utterly horrified when LuAnn continued to ask what happened on Crazy Island. LuAnn was actually sort of diplomatic and seemed to care about knowing what really happened, which is so unlike her. They all got together in a dining-room-turned-conference-room, with LuAnn sitting at the head and playing social arbiter (she was probably like a pig in…well, you know), and she surprisingly decided that Bethenny’s and Alex’s side of the story sounded plausible.

Finally, it was time for Jill’s crazypants spin around an iceskating rink, but first she had to take a crazypants spin around her relationship with Bethenny. She sat down with her sister to discuss whether or not she should call Bethenny, and she decided she should because she had already made up her mind before she even asked her sister for advice, obviously. Jill asked to have lunch with her and Bethenny said ok because she was sick of fighting and it was the easiest way to get Jill off the phone. Somehow I think that’s probably similar to the way that she ended up married to Bobby, because there’s really no other explanation.

The upshot was that Jill got to feel like she won, which helped bolster her confidence to put on her embarrassing pink skating dress and get out there and…fall on her face. Right. On. Her. Face. It might have been the best bit of schadenfreude-y goodness to ever come out of an episode of Housewives, but somehow it wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that happened that night. Ramona’s scrunchi’d hairdo was pretty embarrassing, and so was the way that Kelly lost her mind when she saw Ramona (but somehow didn’t manage to rip that scrunchi out of her hair). She ranted and yelled accused Ramona of not having her back, all while Ramona was desperately trying not to make eye contact or get herself eaten. At some point, Kelly decided that they had made up and gave her a hug. Ok, nevermind. Jill’s epic faceplant was way more embarrassing than any of that.

In hindsight, Ramona really shouldn’t have shown up to the Icecapades at all. Next, she had to talk to Jill, which was clearly not what she wanted to be doing, but Ramona told Jill what she did wrong and Jill mostly managed shut up and listen, and then they hugged too. And that was it! Hugs all around, even though no one really learned anything about what had gone wrong, because no one ever does.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Ashley

    Jill just couldn’t understand why the women didn’t want her there, even though she had already told two of them she was done with them, didn’t want to go on the trip, and had moaned and groaned about the trip. Along with the fact that apparently, according to bravotv blogs, the women had called Jill the previous night, concerned about Kelly. Jill didn’t mention that she was dropping by. WTF? And I do think that Bobby totally lied when she said he didn’t hear anything but nice things from Jill about the other women. Yeah, right, Bobby.

    • JenG

      Bobby is definitely team Jill and very supportive and willing to lie to make her look good.

  • JenG

    I needed to laugh Amanda so thanks! I must agree Jill falling was not only embarrassing, but hilarious!

  • suz

    There was the grown-up’s table (where I might want to sit)…..and then there was the children’s table with Luanne acting as imperious know-it-all teenage arbitrator and the six year olds….Kelly just as crazy, scarey and irrational as ever….Jill just as narcissistic and self serving as ever and that weird lurking person swathed in satin (for lunch no less?) whom I hope never actually gets onto the show. My personal favorite moment…..when Ramona was consoling Jill in the driveway with the pedicure cotton balls still between her toes.

    Once again, this recap is the highlight of my Fridays. Thanks to all for the continuing souce of amusement!

  • Relli

    WAIT. SHE WORE THAT SKATING. OH MY GOODNESS. I have second hand embarrassments for her. You see I am starting to think that Jill was a really fat kid or terribly unpopular, i mean why subject yourself to this kind of crap when you are a grown woman. REALLY JILL, i think you might be living out your 12 year-old fantasy of skating in pink dress at your very own ice skating party. Yikes. As for Kelly, there are no words, except i think she might be getting replaced with Jennifer.

    Great recap though Amanda.

  • qudsia

    love the recap!!! i agree with the pp, this is the highlight of my friday mornings. ill be sad after next thursdays finale. ive just gotta say that i LOVE sonja. luann: “where were you during all of this?” sonja: “oh, getting a pedicure” and “contrary to what you ladies think, i do have other important guests” i think she fits so perfectly well on the show.
    in unrelated news, i think the producers should take kelly off; and not add that new housewife (jen?); i dont like her too much. i feel like shes luann part 2, always trying to meddle in without knowing anything about the situation.

  • Carla

    Must have been hard for Jill to arrive on St. John and realize she had lost. All her friends were team Bethenny and now she has to go crawling back to each and every one of them to eat a little crow. Because you KNOW if Jill had gone on the trip instead of B., and they all got to sit around and continue the drama about how Bethenny did Jill wrong, this thing would be far from over.

    The lesson? Make sure your team is firmly behind you before you make a big play.

  • otter

    Holy cow. Did you see poor Kelly’s bad blush/makeup job last night. This was only to be out done by Jill’s hair extensions. HOT MESSES.

    That being said — love Kelly. Betheny is a b*tch.

  • Sarah

    Sonja is the best thing to happen to this show. She is adorable, fun-loving, and quite endearing. Her unintentional quips make me love the show even more. She is a doll…

    Also, anyone who sides with Kelly is insane. It is clear that Bethenney has a way of exasperating the drama, but Kelly is certifiable. She is completely out of touch with reality and tends to check out mentally the second anyone else starts to talk. She definitely suffers from “selective hearing”.

    P.S. The scrunchie was epic.

  • mochababe73

    Got your blog up early!
    If I were them, I would have slept with one eye open.
    I am glad that I gave Sonja a chance because now I really like her. At least I know that she can now talk about more than just sex.
    Lu Ann was actually a voice of reason for the last two episodes. Jill shouldn’t have gone, and Kelly calling Bethenny a ho-bag was OUT OF LINE.
    I kinda liked Ramona’s hair. She was an older Judy Jetson.
    I don’t think that Kelly has a clue. Like I’ve said before, Gilles needs to put down the camera, stop taking Christine Staub’s pictures, and go get his daughters immediately. That woman is completely unbalanced. Since she’s 41, maybe this is apart of menopause?

  • Michele

    How does Bethenny look barely preggo in that picture above? Whoa.

  • PhotoGirl

    Did anyone see WWHL? Seinfeld was in rare form. In reference to those who watch the housewives shows, he asked Andy Cohen, ‘why do people put their heads in this toilet?’ After I finished laughing so hard that I almost passed out, I had to stop and really ponder this question.
    Why, indeed? I think I need a hobby.

    • qudsia

      OMG i saw that!!! i LOVED all his quips on WWHL!

    • MiMi

      I think he irritated Andy also, which was even more enjoyable!

  • Handbag Lover

    Shutter Island, lol too funny. Girl the image of Jill about to fall is enough. Good Blog! :)

  • Idealist

    So upset tht I actually missed an episode of the Real Housewives. Apparently Comcast took it upon itself to mk Bravo digital & tk it off of basic cable w/out ne notification! Its amazing that I just realized how much I watch Bravo until I no longer have it! Thnx 4 the recap, hopefully Comcast mails me my digital adapter by next wk….

  • S

    I am loving Sonja. I love how she is pretending to be clueless, but is throwing in her opinion of people here and there.
    Not a fan of Bethany or Kelly. Kelly seems in another world and unable to understand social situations. Bethany was right about one thing – her fight with Kelly was not a fair fight. And thank God for Sonja to realize that Kelly needs help. I can’t be mean about Kelly because I honestly think she needs help and isn’t smart enough to realize it. And I certainly don’t wish her to be set on fire. That’s more mean than anything I’ve heard from the housewives :/

  • rysch

    Jill’s picture on ice cracked me up! Look at her expression! Meanwhile, the girl on her left was like “WTH? Middle age woman in costume? Seriously??”
    Jill, you’re something else! LOL

  • BestRemyWigs

    She does not have 85 teeth, She has a uni tooth! It’s like it is carved out of lime stone, also, Kelly didn’t realize that, Jill and the Countless was making fun of her about policing the Jelly Beans.

  • Sher77

    I am really , really tired of Jill ZARIN. That skating dress was too much. Kinda sad.I hope she leaves the show.

  • Linda

    All these housewives are driving me crazy including Sonya. What’s with the fish mouth she constantly keeps making? Has she had her lips done and they are numb and she feels the need to realign them?

    As always, love, love, love the recaps.

  • amy

    lol love the recap. i loved your remarks about Jills ice skating shindig

  • Bagolicious

    When Jill showed up on the island sounding that obnoxious, fog horn, “Hi”, voice of hers, I wished the other women could have just wiggled their noses, like Samantha in Bewitched, and made her either disappear or turn her into a roach and then Black Flag her behind!

    That woman is the most self-absorbed person on the planet. Just beyond pathetic. And how, beyond tacky, was it of her to just show up unannounced? She needs to enroll in Etiquette 101. But, that’s self-absorbed Jill, who thinks the world just revolves around her!

  • Bagolicious

    Correction: “…turned her into a roach and Black Flagged her behind.” I missed the edit.

  • aidan

    kelly is a psycho plain and simple. and jill needs to stop playing victim and luanne needs to get her nose out of everybody else’s business. i love bethenny and sonja <333

  • gertrude

    love, love your recaps amanda!
    enjoyed WWHL as i did in the TRHONYC episode :)

  • swags

    Good recap especially since this episode was dull compared to last week but really what was going to top last week?

    One episode too early but this seasons winners were newbie Sonja, Alex and surprisingly Ramona. Bethenny fans still love B. Jill and Luann fell to last place alongside Kook a Doodle Doo.

  • Tiffany

    This episode was much more calm and easier to watch then the last one! Although Jill fell on the ice, which looked terrible! I am glad she tried yet again to reach out to Bethenny!


    Must have been hard for Jill to arrive on St. John and realize she had lost. All her friends were team Bethenny and now she has to go crawling back to each and every one of them to eat a little crow.