And so our long national nightmare is over. The televised lobotomy known as Real Housewives of New York City came to the close of its third season last night, and it was as anticlimactic everyone sort of knew it would be. The episode actually had nice moments, and we know that’s not supposed to happen. There is no room for positivity or sanity in Real Housewives, sort of like there’s no crying in baseball.

A bunch of random stuff happened and none of it was connected. It’s hard to write about stuff that’s mostly non-narrative, but because it’s my job and I’d like for it to continue to be my job, I’m going to give it a the ol’ college try anyway. Why are Housewives finales always so decidedly blah?

We’ll start with the conflict on which this entire season has hinged: Jill and Bethenny. They finally sat down together to have lunch and talk about a peace treaty, and Bethenny did not look at all thrilled from the get-go. Jill apologized and swore that she didn’t want to dredge up the past, but still managed to say she had been ambushed when Bethenny came to talk to her at Ramonas house. That’s the past, right? Or do all of these events happen simultaneously in Jill’s head, making Housewives sort of similar to Lost? That would sort of blow my mind.

Jill kept talking, for some reason, and claimed to have never gossip about Bethenny, which is verifiably not true. Anyone with even a passing interest in this show knows that it’s not true. Bethenny said that Jill had been disloyal (and probably some other stuff too, but I was too busy trying to mentally catalog all of the different times we saw Jill gossip about Bethenny), Jill cried. She seemed a little angry in the confessional interviews that Bethenny didn’t automatically fall at her feet at the offer of forgiveness. Latkes didn’t fix it.

The takeaway from the entire lunch was that Jill has finally figured out that she has screwed up her relationships with everyone but sycophantic LuAnn and certifiable crazyperson Kelly, which seems to be most of her motivation for trying to create a Survivor-style alliance with Bethenny. For her part, Bethenny did not seem thrilled with that prospect, but she accepted the Latkes of Detente anyway.

Next, LuAnn! LuAnn had to wait until the season finale, but she actually got a decent chunk of time dedicated alllllll to her. It’s the debut of her “single” (scarequotes intentional), and not only is she excited about that, but her magic J man that the psychic predicted like eight episodes ago also managed appeared. Alex, Bethenny and Ramona didn’t show because, well, why would they? All of them seem to have some modicum of sense and little allegiance to the Countess.

LuAnn got up and sang and at first, I was a bit impressed that they were autotuning her live performance. Quickly, however, it became clear that LuAnn is the worst lip-syncer this side of Britney Spears and she was merely waving her arms about and holding a microphone while the guy with the mohawk played the song off of his iPod. Everyone danced and pretended to be in to it, Jill was kind enough explain the meaning of the song to Kelly (who now appears to be officially too stupid to continue breathing on her own), everyone was happy! Even that French J person didn’t seem completely horrified. Stealth Housewife Jennifer compared it to early Madonna. Madonna isn’t dead yet, but when she is, she will certainly remember that comment and take a moment to roll in her grave for it.

Naturally, because these women can’t be together in any significant numbers without talking about past drama, conversation turned to the trip to St. John when LuAnn got offstage. Sonja tried to be diplomatic but made the mistake of expressing a negative opinion about Jill’s sudden appearance on the trip, and we all know what happens when you say something negative about Jill. Everyone piled on, including Stealth Housewife Jennifer who very much had no idea what was going on or who might have been right. But! That certainly didn’t stop her from having an opinion. She’ll do well on this show. Sonja, to her credit, managed to quiet down everyone and say what she thought without LuAnn fainting or Jill’s head swiveling around a la The Exorcist. It was kind of amazing. Sonja has totally won this entire season, despite only appearing on half of it.

Did anyone else sort of forget that Ramona was going to have a vow renewal and that was the whole reason that they went on the trip to Crazy Island? Am I the only one? Because the renewal was used as the traditional “end of season” party, I’m betting that producers put her up to it, which makes me hate the whole idea a little less. Who would have guessed that Ramona would emerge from this season looking relatively sane and reasonable? And when I say “relative,” I mean relative to the one that appears to actually think that Bethenny is trying to kill her, in a literal sense.

Anyway, Ramona took Avery to Oscar Blandi to have her hair cut for the vow renewal, and then it was back to the Pierre for Ramona to advise Jill on how to no longer act like Jill while she was getting ready. Downstairs, guests were arriving and it seemed like Ramona actually had sort of a nice turnout. Jill even managed to behave herself when both Alex AND Bethenny showed up, which is a miracle major enough that someone should probably be contacting the Vatican. Sonja, in her infinite fabulosity, showed up in a dress slit halfway down her torso, gesturing grandly with a glass surely filled with some sort of alcohol. (Sidenote: I hope that everyone drank pinot grigio for the entire party in honor of Ramona.)

And then Kelly showed up, and the two groups were forced to split off and talk amongst themselves. Also, Kelly didn’t RSVP but showed up anyway, which she somehow thought made her the “bigger person” in the Ramona-Kelly conflict, which I wasn’t actually aware existed. As far as her being the “bigger” anything, well…I just…I can’t. I’m physically unable to conceptualize how Kelly has arrived at any opinion that she has ever held.

Before the ceremony started, there was some dispute over whether Ramona’s dog needed a leash to walk down the aisle, and then there was a dispute over the seating arrangement. Of course. Jill had to make sure that everyone noticed that the two “teams” had been seated separately, which only seems prudent on the part of Ramona’s wedding planner. Finally, everyone had to shut up so that the officiant could talk about Mario’s fondness for Ramona’s butt, after which things got slightly more normal and the ceremony was actually kind of sweet.

Was the whole thing a bit contrived? Of course. But I’m of the personal opinion that almost all wedding-type things are slightly contrived, so that might just be me being cynical (that’s what happens when you’ve worked in the wedding industry!) Both Jill and Bethenny approached Ramona afterward to say nice things to her, and the whole thing was just sort of oddly nice and positive for an episode of Real Housewives. Particularly this season. There weren’t even any shots of Kelly in the corner, trying to directly inject high fructose corn syrup into her bloodstream. I’m pretty sure it happened, however.

At the end of the show, we got the little “what they’re doing now” blurbs for all of the women, which seemed a little silly for a group that’s so regularly in the tabloids. They told us that LuAnn has an apartment and is still seeing Jacques, the French guy who can apparently stand to be around her. Good for those two! Ramona went on a safari without Mario instead of a second honeymoon. Sonja is writing a novel. Kelly continues to love lollipops, rainbows and unicorns (presumably cartwheels as well, although they weren’t mentioned specifically). Alex has a parenting book, as we all know. Jill is doing absolutely nothing. Bethenny got married, had a kid and has her own show. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Blurb War winner.

Despite a finale that lacked some of the drama and insanity of the show as a whole, this still may be my favorite season of Housewives of all time. As such, I will be recapping their reunion next week, which is sure to be as insane as anything we’ve seen from them this season.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Ashley

    I hated Sonja the first episode and now I think she’s awesome! I hope she gets her DUI figured out, and that was just a Memorial Day party incident and not a regular occurence. Also, what happened to Ramona? She went from berating Bethenny on the Brooklyn Bridge and crazy-eyed walking down the runway to something that almost resembles normalcy? WHAT?!? Ramona?

    LuAnn should never ever EVER record another single. My ears are still burning.

  • Jo Marie

    You forgot to mention Jill’s criticism of the lack of food before the ceremony. The girl can’t help it. At least she acknowledges her inability to change. I personally thought it was one of the most beautiful events I’ve seen.

    • Zenja

      I agree…the recap failed to mention how Jill couldn’t resist the need to criticize something. The woman can’t breath without making negative statements!

      • Zenja

        Sorry…I meant breathe, oops! Call it a Kelly moment, LOL!!

      • Nancy

        Yeah – when Jill criticized the lack of appetizers before the ceremony, I thought to myself – she just can’t help herself. She has to put somebody down to keep herself up in her own pea brain. Very unattractive behavior. There was a full meal after the ceremony.

    • HA! I didn’t even hear her say that. The furious din of Jill’s undermine-y criticism has become background noise at this point. I thought the event was really beautifully done as well, I was kind of impressed.

  • Hannah

    awesome recap!! are you going to do recaps on Bethenny’s new show starting next week??

    • Thanks :-) I’m going to watch the premiere and see what I think about it, but at this point I’m probably not going to recap it. I don’t think there will be as much to write about since Bethenny is usually pretty reasonable and non-crazy.

  • Nancy

    I sort of hate that his season of NY is over because I’m going to miss reading your very funny and spot on recaps!

    Can you believe that Kelly Ripa said that she is actually friends with crazy Kelly??? She also said that crazy Kelly is very normal and reasonable?? WHHHaaaatttt?? Are both Kelly’s totally nuts? Or is one putting on an act? What’s up with that?

    • I’m going to miss writing about it, so I’m going to do the reunion next week which I usually skip. But I recap all of the Housewives, so I’ll still have Jersey to do for now and Atlanta at the end of the summer. It’s going to be weird not recapping anything on Thursday nights for the moment, it’s been over a year since I’ve had Thursday free. What will I do with myself?

      • Nancy

        Is Bethenny’s new show airing on Thursdays? I know you said above that you didn’t think you’ll recap it, because Bethenny’s a straight shooter; but, maybe there’ll some crazy wedding planner and other characters showing up.

      • Yep, Bethenny is taking the timeslot that the Housewives have had for the past few seasons. Housewives used to be Tuesdays way back when and now RHNJ is on Mondays…I wouldn’t mind a total return to Tuesdays personally, but who knows what will happen! If Bethenny’s show turns out to be nuts, I’ll see if I can come up with something.

  • A

    What about the horrible comment made by the new, new housewife who is NOT Sonja about Ramona’s event planner? Something about “would you pay that person to plan your party?” I guess money really can’t buy you class. Gross.

    • Nancy

      That new housewife, Jennifer (?), not sure if that is her name. I don’t like that horse faced woman at all

    • WG

      Yeah, that was a mean comment for someone who’s said “I don’t want to say mean things for the sake of saying them,” in an interview. She made the comment to Kelly and I took it to mean that Ramona’s wedding planner was frumpy, matronly, not chic, not thin enough, whatever. I guess looking fahhhbulous is more important than being competent. I won’t miss her if she doesn’t join the cast.

  • Relli

    Great recap Amanda, I now will watch it this weekend know that i know i will not be faced with any old ladies in ice skating outfits and the ability to FF through the Countess’ song. She cannot seriously think anyone really likes it, can she? Also did you see the Bow Lady article where she talk about not being featured as prominently even though she filmed a lot AND was cut from the reunion. Did they ever do that official introduction of her, like they always do?

    On a side note, have you read the blog “A Real Housewife’s View” she diagnoses each crazy housewife from each city/county/area with a psychological disorder. Its a little scary how spot on she is, she does disclaim that she is not a practicing psychologist but a good read at least.

    Sometimes i really hate the finales and the music they play with the little side blurbs becuase you are right, these woman are often on the gossip pages.

    • I didn’t read the Bow Lady interview, but I read some NYPost items a few months ago about her being added to the cast and was surprised that they never did a real intro for her like they did for Sonja. Maybe she was just too boring? She doesn’t seem anywhere near as fabulous as Sonja. Post a link if you have one, I’d like to see it.

      And the blog you’re talking about is great, I keep meaning to link it in one of my recaps – it’s for anyone that’s interested. They ran her latest post on Jezebel today (that’s where I originally saw the link a few weeks ago). It’s very thought-provoking for anyone that fancies themselves an armchair psychologist (*raises hand*)

  • Irene

    Amanda…love, love, love your comments. You are ‘spot on’. I’m looking forward to your recaps of the RHNJ and Atlanta. Keep it up!!!!! Thanks so much for this.

  • Mary

    Ramona looked so pretty!

  • S

    I love that Sonja and I love that she wore that dress :) I hope she doesn’t turn catty like all the others. Ramona, her daughter and the ceremony all looked great. I know the tides have turned for Alex, but she has annoyed me a little this season. I hate how she used Bethany’s words to get back Jill and how she started acting all strange when Jill came last week. She’s a grown woman and lord knows she’s the smartest of the bunch – I wish she would face off Jill like the intelligent woman she is. And Alex’s insecurities are showing, she was so quick to be Bethnay’s friend – even though Bethany did so much badmouthing last season about Alex. And there was one episode where she seemed to be competing with Ramona about how close she is with B – something along the lines of how she talked with B for 45 minutes and hinting she already knows all of B’s business. Strange

    • JenG

      I think Alex felt left out. She was the odd one to the other Housewives that season so I can see why she clung to Bethenny. She needed a friend in atleast one of them.

  • S

    And I think you’re right that there won’t be much to recap on Bethany’s show. Her best soundbites are about others “she borrowed my balls” or “you dumb drag queen.” B has grown on me but she really irks me with her gossipy nature. Just like Jill brought up Bethany many times this season, Bethany brought up Jill from the start: when she talked to her assistant, when Alex was picking for her fashion show, at Ramona’s vacation…
    I know B is the popular one, but it goes both ways. Jill may like to talk about others but so does Bethany. She’s just funny when she does.

  • gertrude

    Amanda, you did it again, love the recaps! But i think you forgot to mention Kelly’s left boobie making a cameo, lols!

  • Paty

    I just have to say that I’m glad this season is over because I absolutely hate LuAnn’s song! To make matters worse, it’s a very “sticky” song and after hearing it I can’t get it out of my head for hours. I DVR the episodes and anytime it’s playing I fast forward because I just can’t stand it.

    Thank you for the recaps. I actually find them more entertaining than the show itself!

    • aka55

      I agree, it’s awful how that horrid chorus reverberates in my head. It’s like being stuck in a Stephen King novel!

      • JenG

        Ladies that song is so in my head, I found myself singing it!

  • Sher77

    IT’s OVER Jill Zarin. No one likes you. You’re a b-th, people got tired of it.

  • Handbag Lover

    I am glad this season is over. Jill was my favorite but she has truly become my least favorite now. I hope she can look at this and realize what she does to people. I was looking at the videos for the reunion and it looks good. Kelly needs really to seek help.

    Good Blog as always. :)

  • Jo Marie

    This was the first blog I found covering the housewives. I was so happy to find a community willing to admit to watching the shows. The intellegent humour rounds out the experience for me and I want to thank you.

  • Pamela

    This was such a good episode! I totally teared up during the whole lunch thing with Jill and Bethenny because I went through the EXACT same thing with my best friend of 25 years…and she did everything Jill did, including getting people against me which we all know Jill did & thats WORSE than gossiping so her claim about her never gossiping is crap. She should turn off the google alerts and take back the texts she sent about Bethenny’s father dying before she makes that claim. Bethenny was a HUGE person for the way she handled herself, not sure if I could be able to do that!

    Will you be doing recaps for bethenny’s new show?

  • aka55

    Does Jill not understand that sincere apologies never contain the words “but” or “it’s because”? Also, isn’t change of offending behavior inherent in a sincere apology? And speaking of good manners & class…don’t get me started on Lula Belle & that ridiculous song!!! Great still Amanda! Who is she channeling?

    Btw, Jennifer, why the long face?

    • aka55

      OMG!!!! I have it! I knew there was an image that came to mind when I saw that still of LuAnn! Nosferatu! That’s who she’s channeling!

  • Tiffany

    Ok first off…what LV was Ramona’s vow renewal planner lady carrying? I loved that bag and the charm on it! This episode was much more calm then the rest! I also thought it was good to see Jill and Bethenny get together..Then toward the end of the episode…my hopes were dashed! Bethenny told Jill she needed to change! WOW! Jill was unwilling…lol..She is who she is! I can relate..I am who I am…so what my personality isn’t that great! Although I can’t wait to see Bethenny Getting Married!

  • Anita Vacation

    Great recap!

    This was without a doubt, the best RH season of all of them.

    Sonja has some rockin clothes–I’d love to shop in her walk-in closet (hey! I think we’re close to the same size!). She’s my favorite new one–she’s got some spice, she’s emotional, and she also has a wicked sense of humor. I also think it’s high time we had a bi-housewife (I am SURE Sonja’s played for both teams!).

    Kellamity! I have mixed feelings about her return. On the one hand, who can resist a walking nervous breakdown? On the other hand, I feel she really does have a clinical problem and if Bravo does totally disregard this woman’s mental health and puts her on for another season, then I will lose quite a bit of respect for them. I honestly believe she could end up in an asylum –but hey! At least she can afford a great one!

    Bethenny: I hope she returns to the RHoNY but I don’t think I can take an hour of Bethenny alone. I honesetly hate her voice so much–almost but not quite as much as I hate Shrill Jill’s. I’ve heard she’s turned into a real bitch since she started becoming very successful, which really stinks–and that the funny, real girl who was nice to everyone originally has totally vanished.

    Shrill Jill: I cannot stand this woman. I know a woman who is her psychic twin, I’m not kidding–all of it is the same, the playing games to get people on different sides, the backbiting, the drama, and the ME ME ME ME ME! I’ve never seen a more self-absorbed idiot in my entire life–not even Icky Vicky Gunvaleson is that self-absorbed and delusional. And that’s really saying something folks! I noticed this season a few times that Jill really does look like a badly distorted, younger, Barbara Streisand. But without the talent, of course.
    Alex: Was she on this season? Who cares. Simon was always the more interesting of the two with his wild outfits and closet behavior but he wasn’t barely on so Alex was a big MEH!

    LuLu: I cannot STAND “The Countess.” For someone who wrote a book on class and etiquette, she interrupts and talks over people more than anyone I ever saw. It’s just so damn shameless to be divorced from the Eurotrash count and keep the title. So, F-List (fail-listed). Speaking of F-listed–that song! My ears are still bleeding a bit, even 2 days later! Now, if she’d drop the Countess, the etiquette crap, and promise to NEVER EVER sing again, I might like LuLu.

    Jennifer Gilbert: The most interesting thing about her is that fabulous SoHo apartment.

  • suz

    I was ready to abandon this show aftet the first two episodes. After all, one can only take so much pointless manufactured drama. Then I found this wonderful blog, which has consistantly been more amusing than the show itself…..well, maybe with the exception of the trainwreck that was Kelly having a breakdown and Jill in all her narcissistic splendor. But the final episode was so anticlimatic compared to the previous two episodes, I found myself multi-tasking, just drifting by the TV enough to catch the really envious, negative expression on Jill’s face when she was visiting Ramona in her Pierre suite….. Jill of the smiley dead eyes. What’s that about….too much Botox or just plain total insincerity? And, I too could not get that God awful song…if you can call it that…..out of my head for several days.

    Of course I can’t wait for the Reunion show.

    Meanwhile, I want to recommend “9 By Design” as the anti-RHO reality show. It took me a while to get into it, but it’s wearing well…..very positive and charming….and they actually “do” somethng in each episode. However, there’s probably nothing to blog about unless one were to comment on either Robert’s imaginative wardrobe or their collective design aesthetic.

  • Idealist

    U also didn’t mention how Alex tried to talk to Jill AGAIN! @ Ramona’s vow renewal. She said she just wanted to say how nice it was of her to come. but i thought they didn’t like each other. How many times do we need to come to that conclusion? Is it just me or does it seem like deep down Alex rly wishes jill wud lk her 4 sum odd reason. It reminds of a young school girl crush & the boy that doesn’t like her. Wierd….

    • JenG

      I couldn’t understand why Alex tried to talk with Jill. I wouldn’t want anything to do with her, that was confusing.

  • Manuela

    Great blog! Thanks to everyone on here for being “out there” so I can revel in RHONJ without bothering the fiancee about it. He says it all sounds like Far Side dog speak to him “blah blah blah”…

    Countess Luann? How many other minor nobility in the world has the actual name of a character from “Dogpatch”? And I’m up to my eyeteeth with the turquoise jewelery that says, I may be (fake) nobility but I’m still just a Native American girl off the Res. Spare me, Pocahontas wanna-be.

    Sonja started out as someone I couldn’t help but dislike, but on Poison Island she really impressed me. She came to the defense of a woman who CLEARLY needs psychiatric help (for either a drug problem or a disorder, who knows) and tried to give her some breathing room to regain some small measure of sanity. Good for you, Sonja!

    Not that I blame Bethenny or any of the other women for their reaction to Kelly’s Crazyville. I’d’a done the same thing, unfortunately. Sonja was just new and far enough removed from the previous crazy to not have been harboring resentment… If I were pregnant, cooking and formerly a target of Kelly’s, I would have slapped the taste out of Kelly’s mouth for acting the way she did. As it was, Sonja’s protection was very much appreciated and useful.

    Loved the last episode!

  • Manuela

    Seperately, I have to say that Jill has revealed herself to be the most shallow, vacuous, gossipy, fake-ass biznich in NY. She doesn’t even have a drug addiction or serious personality disorder to blame it on; she’s just a garden variety jerk. Disgusting how she treated Bethenny specifically, and the other women generally!

    • aka55

      Very well said!

  • Camille

    Another fabulous recap. Can’t wait for the reunion show, but equally can’t wait to read your recap of it. Jill’s snide comment critisizing Ramona’s event is pretty telling of who Jill really is. She can’t turn off the nastiness even for one moment and just be happy for a friend. It is pretty clear the only reason she wants to make up w/Bethenny is because of all the exciting things going on for B right now, the marriage, the baby, the NEW SHOW…helloooo!! Jill can’t stand not being included in all this and that is the ONLY reason she is now trying to patch things up. Clearly Alex doesn’t have any fabulous/fame worthy events in her life to induce Jill to make nice with her. Jill has classified Alex as a non-entity and not worth her time. If Alex was on the brink of something big, Jill would be sooooo much nicer to her because that is just who Jill is. Sad.

    I predict Crazy Kelly will dodge any and all responsibility for her actions on the reunion show and the others will let her get away with it because trying to get a clear thought from her is just too exhausting. Jill will be a victim and LuAnne will just kiss up as usual. I’m looking forward to Sonja, though I’m guessing she will be diplomatic. Ramona should be interesting, will we see crazy eyes come out, or will it be the new almost normal Ramona? Bethenny is dealing from a position of power, she’s the only one to get her own show and she just had a baby and looks fabulous just days later! Alex, will she get a word in or will the others drown her out. I hope the newer, stronger Alex will show up for the show down. Can’t wait!!

  • otter

    Oh, how I hope they don’t add that tight-stick-up the butt woman Jennifer as a housewife. BIG NOOOOOOOOO.

    I love Kelly.

    Alex was a dull dish rag this season (sorry).

  • Bagolicious

    I’m glad it’s all over. I’m exhausted from it all. And I hope not to see Jill, Kelly, or the Countess next season. I say round them all up, put them in a boat, and sail them out to sea. LOL!

  • amy

    it was nice way to end the drama for the season. I thought the unicorn, lollipop statement made about Kelly, was like “We are Bravo and we have nothing really to say about Crazy Kelly here read this instead ” lol. Although Sonja was practically showing the world her boobies in that dress. damn. She looked great, but in my mind a wayyy too much for a wedding ceremony. In my mind, she is the real life Samantha Jones, minus the PR occupation.

  • amy

    Soon you’ll be recapping Real Housewives of D.C.. I love Jersey but ready for it to be over already.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    I will really miss this season, but glad to be rid of LuAnn (fka “The Countess”) and Jill. I can only take so much narcissism coupled with “I am the victim.” These two women just have too much time on their hands – so they invent drama to keep themselves busy. I will also really miss your recaps! In my opinion, watching the show is only half the fun. Second half is reading your recaps and all the comments that follow.

    I can’t wait to see the reunion. I am glad to hear that Jennifer won’t be a part of it. I didn’t have much of an opinion of her until she insulted the wedding/event planner. Really showed her true colors. I, for one, thought the event was beautiful. I hope she’s embarrassed because she really looked like a snobby b****c with absolutely no justification. (She not so fabulous herself)

    I will be stalking this site after the reunion show, waiting for your recap Miss Amanda!!!!