Compared to last week’s premiere of Real Housewives of New Jersey (not to mention the most recent New York episode), this week’s installment fell a little…flat. Sure, there was plenty of insanity from Danielle and enough mortifying sexual missives from Teresa to go around, but I kept waiting for that moment of genuine off-the-rails housewifery, and it didn’t quite come.

We found out a few things, however: Danielle’s daughter somehow got a photoshoot with Gilles Bensimon without marrying him (ahem, Kelly) or winning America’s Next Top Model, which I didn’t even know was possible. Jacqueline’s daughter drinks and sneaks in to clubs, just like every other dim 18-year-old girl who no longer lives with her parents. Teresa owns a SlapChop, and also her “chucky” is swollen. Yeah, I said it.

To start the episode, Danielle (who can’t tell the difference between Pucci and BCBG) met with a realtor because she has to sell her house and split the proceeds with her ex as part of her divorce settlement, and we got to see her somewhat (read: entirely) dubious powers of logic in full effect. Her house hasn’t been updated and is falling apart at the seams, but she doesn’t think that she should have to put any effort into upkeep because she doesn’t get the keep all of the profits from the sale. It apparently hasn’t occurred to her that fixing it up a little might help make the sale price higher, which makes me think that she’s possibly the only woman in the country that doesn’t watch HGTV obsessively.

In other parts of the New Jersey hinterlands, Jacqueline and Caroline ate lunch at an Italian restaurant. Of course they did. Teresa eventually decided to grace them with her presence and, immediately after sitting down, regaled them with stories of pregnancy sex. I love Teresa, if only because the only thing she can think to talk about as soon as she sees people is how her husband likes her to be on top and she’s just too lazy for it. She’s the kind of friend that you can always rely on to make you look sane by comparison, and don’t underestimate the importance of having those people around.

When Teresa stopped talking about sex long enough to shove some salad down her gullet, Caroline commandeered the conversation and decided to talk about Danielle. Jacqueline mentioned that they have traded a few text message, although they haven’t seen each other or actually talked. In La Famiglia, texting Danielle is a grievous sin against Caroline’s father-in-law or something (unless you’re Dina, then it’s fine), and Caroline promptly started talking smack about how awkward Danielle’s kids are. Caroline, look, I like you. Don’t bring the kids in to it. There are plenty of things to pick on about Danielle without picking on her kids, who seem perfectly lovely, if slightly traumatized.

Caroline and Teresa think that Danielle preys on Jacqueline because she’s the weakest link and, well, they might have a point. Danielle seems like she can’t stop obsessing about this family, who in turn can’t stop obsessing about her, and Jacqueline is the only one that will give her the time of day, which means that she’s Danielle’s way in. Of course, if the Manzos stopped talking about her and Danielle found another family to terrorize, all this show would have is Teresa, talking about her chacha and making red sauce in the driveway. And, you know, I’d probably still watch. Sad but true.

Speaking of the Manzos, Caroline’s kids had a food fight with some cold cuts that actually looked totally fun and innocent, but Caroline and her husband walked in and seemed totally displeased that this Ham Game is a recurring thing in the Manzo household. Then things got weird because Albie hates that Lauren is dating Vito, his best friend, which seems like it shouldn’t be all that big of a deal if Vito is treating her correctly. Later, Albie and Vito have a, uh, “man-to-man” talk about whether or not Lauren is allowed to choose her own relationships. The whole situation makes my feminist spidey sense tingle, despite the fact that none of it is legitimately entertaining in any way.

In other Manzo news, Jacqueline’s daughter came over to do laundry and they ended up having a deep (oh, fine, it wasn’t deep at all) conversation about drinking and driving and all of those things. If you have a child that has graduated high school, they drink. Even the good ones, of which Ashley is not. There’s virtually nothing you can do about it, and on this subject, I know of which I speak.

What you can do, however, is stop doing their laundry and giving them money if they’re not doing anything with themselves besides drinking. Dina later advised Jacqueline to beat her, which might not be a bad idea, particularly since Ashley is over 18 and it wouldn’t be child abuse. Just, you know, assault. But she could probably plead to lower charges and get probation or something, so maybe they’re saving that for the finale?

Somehow, and I can’t even imagine how, Danielle has managed to screw up her kids less than Jacqueline. For the moment, anyway. Danielle’s older daughter, Christine, got signed to a modeling contract by IMG, which is really kind of awesome. Her daughter is completely gorgeous and looks a bit like Jessica Stam, so I don’t doubt that she could have gotten signed without being on reality TV, but it can’t hurt, right? They conveniently left out the part where they tell her to lose ten pounds, which I’m sure happened, because this is the modeling industry and Danielle’s daughter looks physically healthy. That’s not the image those people want!

In other model news, Teresa’s daughter Gia also has a try-out for fashion week, apparently for a mom-and-daughter look or something. After showing Gia being a cute 8-year-old and doing a totally serviceable approximation of a runway walk at the casting agency, the producers cut straight to a shot of Danielle saying that Gia doesn’t have what it takes and she’s not a model. Remember earlier in this recap when I had some sympathy for Danielle because Caroline was picking on her kids? Well, in true Danielle fashion, she totally squandered it right there. Gia does, in fact, get the job.

In a bit of Housewife cross-pollination, Gilles Bensimon (Kelly’s ex-husband, whose sanity must be questioned because he was apparently married to her for more than, like, 30 seconds) shot Danielle’s daughter for the cover of Fashion Week Daily and she looked pretty fantastic. For her part, Danielle told Gilles that she thought he was God and couldn’t stop squealing and embarrassing her daughter, and then she jumped in to the shoot herself. Christine seemed to handle all of that pretty well, mostly because I suspect that she has to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. Poor kid. I hope she gets out as soon as humanly possible.

To celebrate Christine’s modeling debut, Danielle decided to throw a little party, because we can’t have an episode of Real Housewives without a party. The thing is, though, she decided to not invite her daughter, who was ostensibly the one whose accomplishments were being celebrated. No, no, Danielle was throwing the party to celebrate her own accomplishments, namely her ability to birth a pretty child. Bravo, Danielle. That’s really something.

Anyway, Danielle set about creating a guest list for her little shindig, and she wanted to invite Dina and Jacqueline, who both graciously declined. I have an issue with the reason that Jacqueline didn’t go, however – blaming your husband for not allowing you to be friends with someone is kind of pathetic. Either you actually want to be friends with the person and you need to stand up to your husband and tell him that you can pick your own friends, or you don’t actually want to be friends with the person and you need to stop using your husband as an excuse and just fess up to it. Pick one. Either is a valid choice, Jacqueline, but letting your husband act like your father is not an option.

For someone that doesn’t seem to have any friends, a lot of people came to Danielle’s little self-esteem lunch, which I suppose only proves that people will go out of their way for free food. That awful Kim person from the last episode, the one with the bad dye job and the spelling deficiency, had no qualms about showing up to eat the free food at Danielle’s luncheon, despite the fact that she not long ago publicly ranted about how she doesn’t like her and how Danielle owes her money. Stay classy, Kim.

Speaking of classy, Danielle got up to show off the little magazine and, after doing so, called out the fact that she had kept two seats empty for Dina and Jacqueline, despite the fact that they both declined well in advance and didn’t just, you know, skip out at the last minute. And then she picked another random guest to accuse of being friends with Caroline, and when said guest clarified that their kids were friends but she didn’t really know her, everyone clapped. It was a little sad that, even though Danielle was supposed to be celebrating her daughter (ok, nevermind, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face), she couldn’t help but make the whole thing about the Manzos. Can we skip this stuff and get back to the brawling? Please? If I have to hear Danielle talking about wishing everyone “love and light” for the rest of the season, I’m going to puke.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • rhea

    haha! spot on and perfect as usual! thanks again for the laughs i just loooove these recaps! i kinda felt bad for how sad and pathetic danielle appeared at her luncheon (or so called her daughter’s luncheon), for some reason i also thought everyone there were much older than her, seems maybe she ran out of her friends list and used any people she could get hold of to pad out her show off act. and with that gleaming face she had at the IMG agency (did she also whiten her teeth recently) all that was missing from that face was contact lenses with dollar sign motifs. never mind the half sale price of the house, her daughter will buy her a bigger house one day.

  • Handbag Lover

    I agree last night was boring. I am tired of hearing Carolyn’s opinion about who needs to do what and who needs to hang out with who. The mama hen role is getting on and has gotten on my nerves. Danielle just loves attention and really needs to find something to do ie.. fix yo D@m house. Her kids are sick of her and she needs to leave these women alone.

    Where is Dina’s daughter? I haven’t seen her is she going to be on this year? It was okay but yes very boring.

    Thanks for the blog enjoyed reading it. :)

    • She won’t be on this year because Danielle tried to meddle with Dina’s custody agreement with her ex, so they yanked her from the show to try and avoid any more issues of that nature.

      • Handbag Lover

        oh wow…thanks

  • Matthew

    Danielle “prays” on Jacqueline? LOL. Love it.

    • Blogger makes typo, news at 11.

      • Matthew

        Well, it’s kinda funny, what with Danielle having this new-found “religion.”

      • Yeah, it is an apt typo, if there ever was one. But Danielle can’t figure out how to pray for any of them, because it’s apparently different than how you would pray for anyone else, remember? She had to consult the priest from Central Casting.

  • Matthew

    And by the way, the way Danielle is vicariously living through her daughter totally gives me the creeps. Ick.

    • Relli

      I saw another commenter refer to her as Mama Rose Staub. PERFECTION

  • qudsia

    i loved how dina was like “some of the guests know danielle b/c they met at the local supermarket”. LOL! kinda meh episode, but the review was topnotch, as usual =).
    couple of points:
    i wanna institute the ham game at my house too!!
    danielles daughter is very pretty!! and umm gia has got it going on! shes what, 8? i cant imagine what shes gonna be like as a teenager.

  • Mochababe73

    Love Teresa. In “real” life, we could be best buddies.
    I don’t think that Caroline was trying to say anything negative about Danielle’s children. I think that she was talking about how Danielle has no boundaries with her girls and treats them as friends instead of daughters. She was actually bad mouthing Danielle’s parenting skills. After what happened with this so called “celebratory luncheon”, I totally agree.
    When you are married, there are certain things that you do to keep the peace. Trust me, after almost 14 years of marriage, I can relate. Danielle is not worth being at odds with your husband.
    Like we say in the South, that Kim “D” is a two faced heifer.
    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your recaps. Keep ’em coming.

    • Ha, “heifer” is such a great word. And she totally is a heifer, bless her heart.

    • LeeLee

      Mochababe how much do you weigh? Kim is 5’6 and weighs like 116 Lbs. Being called a Heifer is HILARIOUS! But since your from the south you probably have 6 teeth and a trailer so hey.

      And PS the last thing Kim needs is free food- Danielle BEGGED Kim, Kim’s mother & sister-in-law to come to the lunch-in because she had no friends…and i dont know about you but its hard telling someone NO when they are standing in front of you, in your store, with a camera in your face.

  • Nancy

    I watched, I’m ashamed but I did watch the show. The NJ wives are my least favorite and really get on my nerves. Caroline and her mobster persona. (it’s probably more than persona since her father was found in his trunk) Teresa in her vulgar uncouth glory. Jacqueline and her spinelessness (is that a word?). Dina and her forging her ex’s signature to get her daughter on the show (which backfired on her). They are all pretty despicable…I have a very good friend that lives in Franklin Lakes and she says these women really do act this way! Incredible! Anyway, Amanda, love your recaps!

    • Amy

      I’m sorry…”Nancy” is it? Sure it’s not Danielle? Funny how you made no mention of the craziest cast member from the show. Things that make you go hmmmmm……

  • suz

    Yawn….. Recap definitely better than the show. Thanks!

  • Danieli

    Great recap Again! Boring episode, yet I watched the whole thing, I hate to admit it, but if these Housewives shows were four hours long, you can bet I would watch them! I am wondering about Tommy, Dina’s husband? heard that he has been having a few affairs, moved out and is living in an apartment across from the Brownstone, no mention from Dina as yet, seems she would be so lonely!!

  • JenG

    I was disappointed to hear the Ice Queen (Caroline) talk about Danielle’s kids, calling them ackward and there is no light in their eyes. Wrong! And trying to tell Jacqueline who she can talk with and calling her weak. Wrong! I have problems when people look down their nose at people. (Teresa and Caroline) Noone is perfect and I think this is the reason I don’t like NJRH. Great recap Amanda!

  • Pamela

    Ahhh I found another typo! “(of, fine, it wasnt deep at all) …u mean oh?? ;)

    And OMG….Danielle is CRAZY!! I swear she looked like spencer pratt with his “healing crystals” when she was talking about love and light. My theory on Jacqueline is that she IS using her husband as an excuse because he will protect her and doesn’t mind it, when she doesnt want any problems with Danielle probably because she saw all the bad things that happened to Dina and wants none of it. This girl is CRAZY and she kidnapped a kid…. I wouldn’t wanna piss her off even though I’d be so tempted to! And seriously….the luncheon was ridiculous!!

    On a positive note…Danielle’s daughter looked amazing especially for her first photo shoot, I thought it was beautiful! The previews for next week looked almost boring…I just wanna skip to the part where I saw a preview of danielle going crazy and crying…and cops had to show up.

    Anyway – as usual, great recaps! Cant wait for friday’s recap!

  • PhotoGirl

    Excellent recap. My sister talked me into watching this with her last night, but after Mother Teresa’s sex recap at the family luncheon, I had to leave the TV and go in search of brain bleach.
    Christine is a beautiful girl. I hope she can manage to keep her money away from her mom and save up enough to make a run for it the minute she turns 18.

  • Redhead

    That was a positively HYSTERICAL review of the show! Hope you keep doing them…great writing and very entertaining:-)

  • Idealist

    Watching Danielle obssess over the family makes me very uncomfortable…..

  • rbknfl99

    falling apart at the seams, but she doesn’t think that she should have to put any effort into upkeep

  • Ivanna

    Great recap, This show was a little boring, Danielle is absolutely pathetic, she had to have those two empty chairs at the luncheon when Dina and Jacqueline already told her they were not coming only so she could use the opportunity to talk about the family again.

    Amanda, I don’t know if you read the recap blogs written by the Ladies on the show at, but after last weeks episode Danielle wrote about Jacquelines daughter perfoming oral sex at 17, which was completely innapropriate for her to mention so I really did’nt have any sympathy for her kids after what Caroline said. They really need to leave thier kids out of this, but this should make a very entertaining reunion.

    • WOW. So, I guess I have to read the cast blogs for this show. For most of the other Housewives, they’re really boring, but it seems as though Danielle is using hers as an opportunity to further prove what a crazyperson she is.

      And 17 is a pretty average age at which to be experimenting sexually, so…I guess Danielle’s just out to embarrass as many people as possible.

      • amy

        she is totally is using her cast blogs to prove the crazyness. Her new one is up, and she is just out pointing fingers at everyone once again. But if her blog anger keeps up like this, it should be a interesting to see what she writes /discuss about her on camera clash with Teresa and the hair pulling from Ashley.

  • Kim

    Normally I don’t comment but I have to disagree with the statement that, “If you have a child that has graduated high school, they drink. Even the good ones, of which Ashley is not.”

    I graduated from high school in 1999 and did not have my first drink until 2007. Oh and I graduated college in 2002. Yes, I know that I am one of millions but to assume that every kid does it isn’t right.

    • Well, as they say – if you hear hoofbeats, you think horses, not zebras. There are always exceptions, but the fact that you’re aware of exactly when your first drink probably indicates how different your decision-making process about alcohol was than average. I just think that far too many parents turn a blind eye to something that is very, very common and miss their chance to have an impact on the issue.

  • Jocelyn

    I don’t watch RHONJ but I do want to win a Linea Pelle if the giveaway is still going on. Pleeease! :D (fb)

  • Shawn

    If you read Danielle’s blog on, she said that she invited “all of her neighbors” to her luncheon. That’s probably why they looked too old to be friends with her: they are. Those weren’t her friends, she has no friends. She probably begged them to fill the seats there so she’s not so embarrased. She’s pathetic. And remember when Dina said she heard Danielle was just inviting random people she met at the supermarket?! I believe that, too.

  • Mary

    Last night was so boring and it has been boring since the beginning of this season. Where are the flipping tables, ticas teeevs comments, back stabbing book surfacing..? now that was comedy… All of the housewife shows are getting old. NY…OC…they need to clean up and get some new blood. It is sad this crap entertains me because other than this, I am a good decent person, but this makes me laugh so hard at their ridiculousness. I do feel sorry for Christine and her little sister having to grow up with a whack job mother like Danielle. I hope someone is going to manage her money other than Danielle….. Where the hell is their father? Has any one ever figured that out other than he is hiding out from Danielle so he doesn’t have to give her a dime so she says. That doesn’t make sense either. All you need is a ss number and send in the authorities to get him…there is a twist to that story too….Danielle…what is missing in that link?

  • c.c.

    This show is such a one note wonder. Just turn it into the “I hate Danielle” show and be done with it. We get it, she’s a nutty bitch. Is that what the shows going to be about week after week? Now that I think about it, I’d prefer it over Caroline’s “I looove my family” crap and aren’t we cute and kookie!

    What a hot mess.

  • Sher77

    Nutty bitch, for sure. Bless her heart!

  • Jane

    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the fact that Daniele’s daughter is walking for Rebecca Minkoff. That white dress she is wearing is one of Rebecca’s Spring line. I wanted to buy it but it was too expensive I decided for a Rebecca Minkoff dress instead. Great summary of the show. Can you elaborate on how Daniele got involved in Dina’s custody suit with her daughter and her first husband?

  • amy

    I thought this would ep would be a good chance for Danielle to shine as a parent and , i dunno, prove she is a normal human being, However, … yeah no. I hate that she didnt do something for her daughter to celebrate. What kind of parent throws a “yay me! ” luncheon when she didnt do anything, Christine was the one who got the deal and she is the one modeling in the shows.
    I agree when you said, the whole obessing is creating a big obession fest between the Manzo’s and Danielle. If the cookiness gets anymore i may have to flip the channel.

  • Deanna

    I am desperate to find out the designer of the dress Theresa wore to lunch with Caroline and Jaqueline on the third episode of the season.

  • Jodie

    As weird and screwed up as Danielle is, the show would suck without her. The rest are way too boring and uninteresting.

  • Judie

    That was well written and made me laugh.

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