So, for the first few episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey, I’ve had a theory. I’ve mostly kept it quiet in hopes of not embarrassing myself should it prove incorrect, but last night’s episode has emboldened me – I think I might be right. The first few installments of this season were almost cripplingly boring, but since this was the first time that two seasons of Housewives have ever aired simultaneously, I thought that perhaps that was intentional on the part of the producers to not overshadow the end of NYC’s season.

Now that Real Housewives of New York only has a reunion left, Danielle has been unleashed on us in full force and there are no signs that she’ll be calming down any time soon. She hates the Manzos, she hates Jacqueline’s daughter, and if that Kim G. person isn’t careful, Danielle is going to end up hating her too. And maybe stealing her Bentley, but that’s purely speculation on my part.

Let’s dispense with the people that aren’t Danielle first, since they don’t really matter in this episode (or, honestly, in this season so far): Teresa is convinced that she can turn her children into breadwinners, so she took Gia to kiddie acting classes while she sat outside and regaled the other kids’ parents with all of her accomplishments and also assured them that she wasn’t a stage mom. They all smiled and nodded in order to not anger the crazy lady, but all of their efforts were for naught, because Gia’s agent angered Teresa soon afterward by telling her that Gia needs to lose her Jersey accent to book more acting gigs. I hope Gia starts earning a good income soon, considering that Teresa announced last week that her and her husband are $11 million in debt. (Feel free to discuss this in the comments, I can’t even wrap my head around it.)

In other marginally exciting news, Chris got a promotion at the Brownstone, so he theoretically no longer has to park cars. Instead, he now deals with sales and event planning, just like his dad. If I correctly recall my time working at a similar facility, uh, I would rather be parking cars. As long as you don’t change anyone’s radio station or scratch the doors, no one gets mad at you and you get a little tip, which is far preferable to doing everyone’s bidding inside. He apparently received this promotion after managing not to get killed by the Hells Angels last week, which is probably a considerable achievement, considering the circumstances.

Ok! That was quick. Time for the Danielle portion of the recap. Remember that salon that everyone in Jersey goes to? Well, Jacqueline was there getting a pedicure while Kim G., she of the Danielle friendship and the Bentley ownership, walked in to get one as well. Kim G wanted to gossip, of course, and Jacqueline’s baby managed to start howling at exactly the right time to delay the conversation. Too bad he didn’t keep crying, because Kim G. insisted on having the conversation anyway. Given some time to think about the events at the Brownstone, it appeared that Kim G is actually capable of feeling shame and embarrassment because she claimed to have been unhappy with how Danielle’s friends behaved.

That newfound mortification may be contradictory to how Kim acted while the events were going on, but perhaps we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was merely trying to play along and not make the ex-cons angry. Because she doesn’t know Danielle very well, she told Jacqueline that she thought it would be a good idea to sit down with her and share her concerns, and Jacqueline correctly informed her that wasn’t a very good idea at all. Luckily for all of us, that didn’t stop Kim from doing it.

While the two of them were getting prettied up for Danielle’s birthday party, Kim told Danielle that she was uncomfortable with the names that Danny The Ex-Con had called her son’s best friend, specifically “faggot,” which I don’t even like typing. Last season, if you’ll remember, Danielle got EXTREMELY angry with Teresa because her husband said the same word, but this time, she brushed off Kim G’s concerns because she wasn’t the boss of Danny. And also, because the person being name-called isn’t actually gay, and that makes it not offensive anymore, right? Of course. Also, she was being protected at the time! And it was her birthday and she didn’t want to talk about it! Right. Just so everyone knows, it was also the Manzos’ fault that their son got called names by Danny The Ex-Con.

When Danielle continued to moan and cry about being asked about Danny’s behavior, Kim mentioned that maybe, just maybe Danielle cared about the Manzos just a little more than she should. Of course, that was the most offensive thing that anyone could have ever said to Danielle, because SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE MANZOS. AT ALL. DON’T EVER SAY THAT TO HER. Ahem. She actually spoke in all caps, I merely transcribed it.

Kim G. later went to visit Danielle at her house and arrived while Danielle was yelling at her dogs about Jacqueline’s daughter and the nasty things that she’s written about her online. (Her dogs are the only ones that will listen to her, since they don’t speak English and think that all of the noise might end in a treat.) Danielle saw Ashley’s immature Facebook messages as persecution on the same level as the Ku Klux Klan, but I’m not particularly impressed. Let us know when there’s a burning cross in your front yard, honey. Until then,

Danielle wasn’t the only person upset over some seriously high school Facebook drama, though. When Teresa and Jacqueline got together for dinner, the conversation was overtaken by whether or not Ashley had threatened Danielle’s life. They summoned her to the restaurant to testify over minestrone, and it became clear that Ashley hadn’t actually threatened to kill Danielle at all, which is what Danielle had told Jacqueline. On the Danielle Spectrum of Things That Aren’t True, that one is actually sort of mild. Ashley later posted on Facebook that Danielle had a warrant out for her arrest, and even her boyfriend told her that was a terrible idea. I might have judged that kid too soon. He seemed ok in this episode.

Later, in what may have been an effort to halfway appease Kim G., Danielle took Danny The Ex-Con to get a suit to cure him of his dirty language habit (don’t think about that logic too hard, it’ll make your head hurt). Mid-fitting, Dina called Danielle to ask to have a little get-together. Danielle thought for a moment that it might be about happy things, but then she came to whatever senses she has left and realized that it maybe wasn’t. In another wild fit of maturity, she asked Danny and his friends to show up just in case.

On the night of the Dina-Danielle meetup, Caroline had everyone else in the entire show over for dinner. Instead of eating whatever fried goodness that Caroline was cooking up in her pink chef coat, Dina had to go to some cheesy wine bar and have an extremely uncomfortable conversation/screaming match with Danielle, who actually went into the meeting expecting an apology. Despite the fact that Ashley decided to make the Manzos’ dinner uncomfortable with talk of Danielle (although the “fix your square tit” comment was hilarious, and watching Caroline try not to laugh at it was even better), I still would have rather been there than in a restaurant with Danny The Ex-Con lurking outside.

Instead, Dina tried to reason with a crazy person because her energist or whatever told her to a few episodes back. We all know from watching Real Housewives of New York City that reasoning with crazy people is entirely useless, but Dina made a go of it anyway. She told Danielle that she needed her to stay away from her family entirely, and all Danielle could do was talk about Jacqueline and Ashley and Facebook and “last year,” whatever that means. Oh, and how you should never shush her. VERY IMPORTANT.

We only got to see the first part of the altercation before Bravo cut to a “to be continued” screen, so I suppose we’ll have to wait and see what happens next week. Also, as we learned in a commercial (this is why I watch live! Sometimes you get a little nugget in the commercials!), we’re losing a cast member next week. I’ve got $10 on Dina – place your bets in the comments. Also, it looks like a Danielle Staub sex tape is going to be unleashed on the unwitting masses next week (on the show AND in real life, via Hustler. Shudder.) You know, just for your information.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Ashley

    I wish that the NJ ladies would treat Danielle the way the NYC ladies treat Kelly: call her crazy and talk about her like she’s not there. I guess the problem with that is Kelly smiles and nods along, even when they call her crazy, while Danielle would probably unleash the goons on the NJ ladies. Is Danielle really arguing with an 18 year old? I can’t wait to read her blog this week.

  • Kathleen

    I’ll put another $10 on Dina. Except for creepy Grandma Wrinkles, the hairless cat, Dina is just too sane for the rest of the loonies.

  • PhotoGirl

    Middle-aged women arguing with 18-year-olds on FACEBOOK??? Convicted felons?? Oy! No, thanks.

    That being said, although I won’t be watching any more of this trash, your recaps are hilarious and I’ll be back each and every week to read them. I love your sense of humor, Amanda. It’s fabulous.

    Now that The New York Times has told us that the Bravo “reality” programming is all made-up, manufactured drivel anyway (did we really not know this already???), I really think that Andy Cohen ought to talk to you about recapping about these shows the day after. They could seriously use someone with your outlook/writing abilities. I can’t wait to hear what you’ll have to say about the RHNY reunion on Friday.

    • suz

      My solution to the conflict between loving the recaps, but being totally fed up with the show(s)……I DVR the show, then do the seven and a half minute fast forward just so I have the proper “visuals” for the recap. It’s working for me……

    • Thanks for such a kind comment :-) BRAVO, IF YOU’RE OUT THERE – CALL ME. I drink the same cocktail as Andy Cohen, they wouldn’t even have to buy new booze for me!

  • Relli

    This show is so awful and trashy, but i adore the recaps! Why is Danielle buying her fake ex-con friend a suit when she doesn’t have any money to pay bills?!?!?!?!? In what world does that make sense. I cannot wait for nap time this weekend when i get to see Theresa on her stage mom routine.

    I was a child model and competitive dancer until i was 17 (that what happens when you are on of the only children of color in Nowheresville) and my encounters with stage moms are something i intend on turning into a book. For every kid that genuinely wants to do it there is a mom like Theresa or Dina Lohan, who are unhappy in their own lives and live vicariously through their children. But did she really get mad when the coach said she needed to lose the accent? I find it hilarious when people from various areas of the country do not realize they have accents when clearly they do.

    I think its Dina too. She and Andy seem to be new besties. Did you see the photos from the races.

  • Ivanna

    I’ll put $10 on Dina leaving as well, sadly, because she’s grown on me, but it’s probably not worth it for her to be on the show anymore she’s filming without her daughter and the added threat that Danielle would involve her daughters family when she wants to stir up drama, and now rolling with an entourage of ex-cons. Caroline was right about Danielle she can”t process things rationally, the woman is certifiably crazy, I literally drew a blank when she took Danny shopping for a new suit to clean up his use of gay slurs, and was expecting an apology for the scene that they casued at the Brownstone, though Ashley’s comment about her sqaure tit was hysterical. Teresa’s debt is mindboggling, whatever Bank in there right mind gave them that much credit, deserved to have it defaulted 8 mortgages on 3 homes, though I’m suprised that over the top gaudy mansion of hers is only worth $1.7 million dollars.

    • Patrice

      RIGHT! When I heard that Teresa`s hubby only made 79,000 I was shocked. Who approved all of those loans?? This is also another reason she wants Gia to make it big. I also saw that they spent 12,000 on fertility treatments….yikes. I wonder if they were trying for twins this last time.

  • Calley

    I LOVE your recaps. Perhaps the craziest part about the Kim G./Danielle friendship is how Danielle got mad at Kim G. for “ruining” her birthday party – the birthday party that was given for her BY Kim G. If she is spending money on food and wine (that appears to be tinted with food coloring? really? or did I imagine that?), I think she is allowed to tell Danielle that she doesn’t like it when her goon Danny yells gay slurs at Chris. Kim needs to hop in her Bentley and get as far away from Danielle as possible, because that friendship is going nowhere good. How on earth someone has $11 million in debt boggles my mind – although more mind-boggling is the fact that their “family” provides them $10,000 per month on top of their regular income…

  • mochababe73

    I actually looked at the court papers (7 pages of debt!), and it appears that most of the debt is from Joe and failed real estate deals. On top of that, the papers were filed in October so I don’t know why it’s coming out now. I have a feeling that Psycho Danielle had something to do with it. Be that as it may, Teresa continues to be my favorite housewife next to another unpopular one, Alexis.
    Kim G is only friends with Danielle because she wants to be on the show in my opinion. Danielle is buying Danny clothes now? I think that they are hooking up on a regular basis. She still hasn’t changed, and for the life of me, I don’t understand why Dina thought that she could actually have a conversation with her.
    Delusional Danielle had the nerve to want an apology. She should be apologing to the family for causing a scene, the Manzos for being obsessed with them, and the viewers for subjecting ourselves to her craziness.

    • mochababe73

      ugh!! Grammar. I meant to write, and the viewers for subjecting US to her craziness.

    • It’s interesting that you bring up the fact that Danielle is almost certainly hooking up with Danny on the regular – I had assumed as much myself, and it seemed weird that they never mentioned it as such on the show. I would have assumed that Danielle would love to have more fodder for her storyline.

      • Ashley

        Did anyone else hear that tone of her voice when she said she was “proud” of him- and how they both joked about suits=courtrooms.

  • Ana

    Let’s not forget about the part where Ashley said Danielle looks like the Grinch. SO TRUE.

    Amanda, these recaps are gloriously snarky. They need a website of their own.

  • amy

    I’m dying to know who is leaving the show for good. Danielle? Maybe?
    I hate cliffhangers. I read Ashely’s blog, chic needs to learn periods, and commas to explain her self. We all know that Ashely had an altercation with Danielle, which will be aired. But my main issue is who is leaving?!

  • carla

    So is Teresa too pretty to work? 79K? Yikes, we make twice that much and moved out of Jersey because it wasn’t affordable.

    It WAS hilarious, but now my brain is burning wondering what exactly IS a square tit??

  • arlene

    I second that I love your recaps but have stopped watching this show. I am otherwise addicted to all the other real housewives series but just cannot stand/stomach this group. Keep up the good work on your recaps !!!

  • Brandon

    Amanda you really do have such a great sense of humour ! I was literally rolling on the floor laughing as I read this, you should consider doing a real housewives video blog after ever episode ! I think it would be a hit :)

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it! And if I ever did a video blog, I think I’d have to pull out my special leopard print blogging muumuu for the occasion. I really have one of those. I promise.

  • Sofia Nolan

    stopped watching it too

  • angelofdevs

    Thanks for your great comments regarding my wordpress blog! I really love your site I must say.

    • You’re welcome! The psychoanalyses are really fun to read. Glad you like our site!

  • Sher77

    Amanda, you would be great on camera with Bravo Andy. The video blog is another good idea. That Danielle and Danny are hooking up is the best. What a truly perfect couple!

  • Dayna

    Whenever I watch any of the shows, I literally can’t wait to come on the next morning and read your recaps, they are more entertaining then the actual show LOL

    • RedHead

      I totally second that! Amanda’s recap is my fave part of the Housewives programs:-) PS – What exactly IS a square tit?

  • Ellz

    I used to love the housewives, NJ being my favorite, but I just can’t watch Danielle the train wreck anymore. I almost threw things at my tv the last episode and knew i had to stop watching. But I LOVE your recaps Amanda. They make me laugh and I don’t want to pull my hair out watching Danielle.

  • Ruth

    Am I the only one who thinks that Gia has NO–zip–talent and is not even cute??

    • I’m not really in the business of insulting the appearances of children, and I’d appreciate it if we could keep that out of the comments as well.

      • carla

        Sorry Amanda :-(

      • It’s ok! No hard feelings. I just think that Gia didn’t sign up for this and it’s not her fault her mom’s putting her up to be scrutinized.

    • carla

      I don’t know that she’s not cute. She certainly lost the genetic lottery with the dark circles under her eyes, but when she’s older and can wear concealer…I dunno…I think she’s one of those pretty/ugly kids that could turn out to be a knockout at 16. I’ll just call her a swan and wait.

      But no, she doesn’t have the natural personality of a star. She’s friendly enough, but true child stars have something very special and very rare. That’s why there are so few of them.

  • speaking of this ish

    Funny how Joe only makes 79,000…i would love to get a loan from his bank or wherever he got the money from God knows I need a few things that i saw on PurseBlog…lols…
    and is anyone waiting for Teresa’s estate sale? I hear she’ll be selling her ‘healthy’ cookbook at 75% off and that her clothing especially that fur (i want) will be 30-50%…let’s all head to jersey…lmao

  • S

    Love the recaps. So disappointed that Teresa was so irresponsible with her money. I actually liked her in spite of her table flipping. It just goes to show you never know about people. I don’t think there’s a sane housewife. No, Alex seems sane- just a bit of a wannabe.

  • TxBelle

    what is the bag that Dina is carrying, is it a Louis Vuitton…

  • CaraMia

    Hi Amanda!

    Just started reading this blog and it is hilarious and spot on!! I’ve been a RHONJ follower since the very beggining so I dont even know where to start…
    My fave housewife is probably Teresa because I just love how over the top she is and how dedicated she is to her family. Though now it looks like she and Joe have made some bad choices, I do sincerely hope that they learn from them and make better ones going forward. At the end of the day, they have each other, their four beautiful children, their health, and lots of love. That is all that matters. Not money. If thay have all those other things, that is all that matters.

    As far as the Danielle situation, I can’t say anything that anyone else hasn’t already said. She seems to be a very disturbed, broken woman. If her allegations of abuse are true, they go back 40-something years and haven’t been addressed properly and that will cause very serious issues for anyone. She simply does not know how to interact with others normally. She has a very deep need for acceptance, most recently with the Manzo family, and she wants people to see her as a “good” or “changed” woman and is on a constant quest to prove that. What she fails to realize is that she should not need to prove anything. If she were a good or changed person, her actions would speak for themselves. And her actions that we have seen so far have not shown those of a good or changed woman. The company that she keeps, the choices that she makes, the situations that she creates, the drama that she invites…all are symptomatic of HER being stuck in the same bad behaviors of her past. Part of me wants so badly for her to be able to move on and make better choices (like the way Dina wanted to give her a second chance) but she just keeps herself in the gutter, every time!

    I thought Dina was very classy and sound to invite Danielle out to once and for all try to end the petty drama and BS. Had she just called her and said “Enough, get out of my life” Danielle would have called her a coward. Doing it face to face was the right choice, IMHO. But Danielle didn’t even let her get that far. And what was with paranoid Danielle thinking Dina was plotting an ambush? Did she think that Caroline and Jacqueline were going to be waiting in the treeline, atop wild horses, in war paint and animal hides with spears, ready to pounce on her? What was she THINKING?? Did she really need to have Danny waiting in the parking lot, in his new Armani-knock off, stroking a gun in his Pinto? PUH-LEEZE.

    Honestly, not only am I getting tired of the Danielle vs. the Manzos storyline, I’m getting disturbed by her behavior. She has children. Who else do they have to guide them beside her? I really feel for them. And I truly would enjoy seeing how the other four housewives interact and live their lives, drama-free without Danielle. Screw the ratings that she supposedly brings in. It’s getting to be pure trash.

    Anyway, I enjoyed your blog and I look forward to your recap next week!!!

    Thanks, Cara :-)

  • Marie

    What does this have to do with handbags?

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