What can I say about last night that isn’t already obvious? It was kind of a boring episode, Danielle being sidelined by her 84th breast augmentation and all. As much as we all hate her and want her to be shot into the sun, Real Housewives of New Jersey is kind of nothing without her. I hate even admitting it, but it’s the truth.

In her absence, we spent a lot of time with the children of our various castmates, trying to get them to straighten up and fly right so that they’ll make something of themselves one day. And then, of course, there was a party, complete with a crazed party planner and and some light yelling. Next week looks like it’s going to be off the rails, so let’s just hope that this was the calm before the crazystorm.

I’m not sure why every episode of this series requires a visit to an Italian restaurant, but it’s some sort of rule, and that’s where we started last night. Caroline, Jacqueline and Teresa (late, of course) got together to discuss Dina’s exodus from the show and the inevitable reaction from Danielle. So they did. And, well, that was kind of it – a grand send-off, it wasn’t. So, of course, it’s time to talk about Danielle.

You see, Danielle has a wonky tit. The square one, as Ashley so aptly described. She headed to the plastic surgeon last night to talk about having it fixed and also to scar everyone for life by flashing her boobs on camera with barely cable-appropriate blurry nipples. I think it’s an unspoken rule that a season of Real Housewives of New Jersey can’t go by without a boob job, which makes me wonder who’ll be up for one next season (actually, no need to wonder that, it’s probably Ashley).

Anyway, back to Danielle and her square boob. It was time for her to have surgery later in the episode and again, there was not nearly enough blurring for my taste. I really don’t want to see Danielle topless. At all. Ever. Danielle wants to make sure that you all know that she didn’t get her boobs redone for the 4839th time for aesthetic reasons and, ok, whatever you say Danielle. They sent her home with a private nurse to recover, and also to philosophize about the symbolic meaning of new breast implants. On the upside (or downside, depending on how you feel about Danielle’s importance to the show), the surgery managed to sideline her from interacting with the other housewives for the rest of the episode.

Which means, of course, that it’s time for the other housewives (and by extension, their children) to have some camera time! Remember last season when Caroline and her family convinced her daughter that she wanted to go to beauty school because she’s, well, not very smart? Lauren is indeed going to beauty school now, and Caroline’s so proud! It was kind of sweet, actually, and we saw all the students learning to apply crazy Lady Gaga makeup, which looked like fun.

The next part, however, looked like not quite so much fun. Caroline’s oldest son Albie has a learning disability and is apparently not doing that well in law school. In fact, he kinda-sorta got kicked out, and the school told him that he should probably pick another career because he has a learning disability. That seemed way harsh on their part, but he should probably pick another career anyway – it seems like everyone I know is in law school and there aren’t possibly going to be jobs out there for all of them. You’re cute and on reality TV, Albie – parlay that in to…something! In all seriousness, though, I felt really bad for Albie. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and Caroline was so torn up over it that she gave him a rather epic mama peptalk.

Caroline has lots of kiddos to attend to, however, so she took out the entire family to congratulate Lauren and Chris and make Albie a little insecure. He seemed to be feeling a little sorry for himself and was sloshing his drink around like a middle-aged alkie, but I guess that’s sort of expected when you’ve just been kicked out of grad school and you officially have nothing to do with your life.

Speaking of grown children with nothing to do with their lives: Jacqueline hadn’t talked to Ashley since the weird poker night argument, but she showed up to discuss things last night and it was also actually kind of sweet. She apologized for acting like a petulant teenager and admitted that her actions were embarrassing and a little stupid. They discussed the option of Ashley moving home, but as with any parent-teenager living situation, opinions over the house rules vary.

They later sat down to discuss things like curfews (midnight, 2:00 am on weekends). She managed to negotiate a change to 1:00 am during the week with an option to extend it later, so Ashley decided to move back in. The whole conversation made me very glad that I went away to college – dorms don’t have curfews and it’s a beautiful thing. Study hard and go to college, kids. No one cares what time you come home in a dorm.

Next it was time to have a party, since these Jersey broads don’t have nearly enough parties to keep up with the rest of the housewives in other cities. Teresa wanted to have a housewarming for the marble-and-granite-and-onyx conference center that she calls a house, so she hired a lady named Elvira (who was also on Bethenny’s show last week because there are only a dozen total people living in New Jersey, apparently) to plan the shindig.

During the initial visit to Teresa’s house, all Elvira (no relation to the Mistress of the Dark, by the way) did was complain about Teresa’s lack of maid and lack of pool and lack of outdoor floormat and lack of dance floor. According to Andy Cohen’s Twitter, Elvira was also sending out press releases yesterday that claimed she was the new housewife, but she’s not. Thank god. Very rarely am I relieved by anything that I find out about this show, but that? That relieved me. Teresa was much more gracious than I would have been, even though she did end up basically slamming the door in her face.

That wasn’t the last we saw Elvira, though – next she was some kind of warehouse, convincing Teresa that she wanted to rent some unbearably awful gold furniture for her party. Since Teresa loves all kinds of unbearably awful things, she was just in love with the whole idea. And then Elvira, the lady that recommended this furniture told Teresa that she couldn’t use plastic drinkware for the party because it was “chintzy,” and the irony of that moment managed to completely escape the both of them, which is tragic because it was wonderful. I mean, she had the nerve to call something chintzy while sitting on a gold lamé couch.

And yet, that still wasn’t enough of Elvira. She showed up to make sure the house was set up correctly for the party, which was entirely ridiculous in the way that only a Housewives Housewarming could ever be. While an average person might have some catering and a bunch of booze for a housewarming, Teresa had red carpets, breakdancers, and a lighting scheme. I guess if you’re going to build a house that looks like an event facility, you might as well go all-in when you actually have an event.

The house looked like a nightclub at a second-rate casino, which is exactly what Teresa had wanted, and she was thrilled. Gold! Swarovski! Fire-eaters! Pink cocktails! Both Kims trying to drink out of one glass! Drunk Kim D. interrupting presentations! The party had it all (except, you know, someone to foot the bill. Details!)

In the grand tradition of this show, the party also had a confrontation involving Danielle even though she wasn’t even there. Caroline tried to move the conversation along to a new topic, but Kim G. managed to corner her to tell her how obsessed Jacqueline is with Danielle. When that didn’t get her anywhere, Kim G. tried to explain the obsession to Jacqueline directly, but she changed the word “obsessed” to “angry,” which don’t mean the same thing, do they? Perhaps they do in New Jersey. I’m not sure, I was distracted by her Birkin.

That was the end of the episode, but sadly that wasn’t where things ended – we got half an hour of Danielle on Watch What Happens Live after the show, and it was a full half an hour of what can only be described as a total hot mess. She’s confused about how exactly one might use a printer, she doesn’t know that a prostitute and a whore are the same thing, she sang a song and she might be a lesbian. The entire episode was so ridiculous that it doesn’t even need recapping – it was a parody of itself. Which, I suppose, could be said for this entire series.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Jenna

    I agree that the episode was fairly boring. As someone who works in higher ed, I find what happened to Albie just horrible. However, since he has some free time now, he’s welcome to head to NY and visit me!

  • NCGal

    Stellar recap as usual, Amanda! I agree the show last night was a HUGE meh, the party gross, but sad too when you realize that Teresa and Schlub-sband are filing for bankruptcy. LOVE the Carolyn Manzo scene with Albie and in general I have always liked her adult-kid crew. However, that’s where the love of off-spring ends for me. I for one cannot stand that Ashley, and while I know that it is developmentally appropriate, I think she’s incredibly manipulative and selfish. She’s an adult-child so we can talk about her, right? As for Danielle, she is icky. She makes my freakin’ skin crawl. Watching her feels like I am doing something smarmy and unseemly. A lesbian? Seriously? I like what Kathy Griffin said: “RHNJ is about 4 crazy-assed broads and a dude!” Does Danielle really think she’s sexy or in any way legit or do you think she knows she’s a caricature and is capitalizing on it for all it’s worth? Her spot on Cohen’s show was flat-out macabre!

    • Ashley is over 18 so she would have to sign a release herself to be on the show, so I consider her fair game!

  • Sakyie

    Boring Episode indeed! However, this lil satchel of gold, “You see, Danielle has a wonky tit.”, made me spit out my coffee!!! Great recap as always Amanda!

  • suz

    The whole episode was so-o-o-o boring…..sort of pathetic…..especially uncomfortable knowing that Theresa and husband have had to declare bankruptcy. What I think I learned from WWHL is Danielle, besides being the crazy, drama queen, is one nasty, really unpleasant broad. However, I have to say, her song is a whole lot better than Luanne’s.

  • poodle

    the episode was okay, nothing spectacular. but like the other comments, it made me sick to my stomach to watch theresa throw that ricrackulous housewarming party which had to cost at the very least $20K…and know that she and her fat midget admit to only making $75K a year….it was sickening…i liked theresa before (and i was always suspicious when it came to her spending money like breathing air) but since her bankruptcy news, watching her on the show has just been ugly and tasteless. my favorite character now, by far, is jacqueline’s husband. he seems to be the most reasonable, legit, no BS person on that show. lol.

  • Jo Marie

    Well I was surprised to find myself empathetic ally cringing while watching the surgery. I guess it’s true that there are some things that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemies. I wasn’t surprised that Danielle’s duet went over as well as it did. She is nothing if not a performer.

  • La Reina

    I was so uncomfortably annoyed by the end of last night (why did I sit thru “watch what happens live”?!?!?). I had indigestion from trying to digest all the nonsense. I watch all of the Housewives shows, and hate to love them all for different reasons (the cities, not the individual women – I definitely don’t love them all). It is all just starting to seem so fake; so concocted. I know, I shouldn’t be shocked and maybe I’m late to catch on but I wanted to believe that there was an element of authenticity about it all. But, now I feel like at the start of the season, the producers put key topics in a hat (dramatic best friend break-up, boob job, come out with a terrible song that you believe is amazing, write a book, renew your vows or get married on the show, take a vacation, plan a ridiculous party, go on a girl’s weekend…) then they shake it up and let the cast members pick out of the hat and own that role. It’s the same storylines for each city, just different interpretations of it based on personalities and history of the women. The Jersey storyline is getting old. I hope that they bring in someone new so it’s refreshing and we stop beating the dead horse that is the Danielle/Manzo rift. It’s not entertaining anymore and I feel like I need a shower (in Purell) after watching her work a pole/flash her boobs/try on lingerie/speak in her terrible accent/run around with her con friends/suggest that she now has a girlfriend. I’m one episode away from being o-v-e-r–i-t.

    • suz

      Now that we know they all have publicist who are coordinating everything they say and do, I’m less enchanted and more bored with the whole RHO franchise. Suddenly, it’s just bad TV.

      • JenG

        I agree!

      • Relli

        I too have been feeling like this too. The problem is that NONE of them are very good actresses and it always comes off like they are reading lines because they are. Sadly this franchise is going the way of the Real World, i stopped watching after Vegas.

    • I agree that Real Housewives might have a problem on their hands. With so many cities and multiple seasons of most of them, it’s becoming clear that there’s sort of a logical limit of how entertaining this show can be, and we’re headed towards it. They’re trying to squeeze as many dollars out of it as humanly possible before we get there, and I guess I don’t blame them.

      And I only watched WWHL last night because I knew people would want to talk about it today – see what I do for you people?!?!?! :-P

      • mochababe73

        To be honest, I could do without the Atlanta Housewives. I think that I am dropping them in favor of the OC ladies. Season 5 was my first year watching, and I fell in love with those ladies. I am willing to give DC a chance, but it sounds boring.
        Bravo was just in my great city, Houston baby, to do a casting call.

      • Julia

        My only problem with the Houston Real Housewives is that the local news keeps showing that Erica Rose is going to be a Housewife. She is currently on VH1’s You’re Cut Off and was also on the Bachelor. I think for that reason alone I wouldn’t watch it. I love my great city of Houston, but I don’t think I could watch as 5 women make us look bad. It’s fun to watch it happen to other cities where I don’t live.

        I agree that DC sounds boring but, I’ll watch… I always do. I hate how these shows drive me crazy and piss me off but I keep coming back for me.

  • La Reina

    sorry my comment went all hieroglyphic!!

  • JenG

    I understand Albie’s pain. I have two sons with a learning disability. One is trying to go to college, he was rejected yesterday for enrollment at a university he wanted to attend. It is not easy for people with disabilities. I honestly hope that Bravo will cancel the RHONJ and replace it with one of the new Housewives show. I must agree Amanda, it is boring and without Danielle there would be no show. I am tried of every time they met the discussion is Danielle. It is extremely boring!

  • AlisaI

    Love all your recaps as always! Even though I do not like Danielle, you have to admit her voice is good! I am kind of addicted to the new song (red face)

  • Handbag Lover

    Good recap and i love the still images. It was very boring and you are correct Danielle is retarded but she does make the show. I love Joe, out of all of the Housewives series, he is truly the coolest husband. I also agree with JenG, this show needs to go and they need to replace it.

  • mochababe73

    Reason number 101 why I went off to college and didn’t go to the one 10 minutes from home. I wanted to be on my own. Because I was brought up correctly, I did’t come in at all hours of the night and maintained my GPA to keep my academic scholarship. No scholarship, no college. Too bad Ashley doesn’t have anything motivating her to be responsible.
    I am not a Danielle fan whatsoever. That woman is CRAZY. But she did say on WWHL that she was deformed and in pain. Her breast, I think, had hardened. Even the reconstruction doctor agreed. I hate to see anyone, even Danielle, have to live like that.
    I would have fired the party planner on the spot. She was rude, condenscending, and a total b!!!h. There is no way that I would pay anyone to perform a service for me that treated me in such a manner in my home.
    Caroline is staying out of Albie’s predicament, and I agree. He’s an adult, and he can handle it himself. If he’s doing so poorly, maybe he should rethink his career choice. He has a degree in business, lives near New York, there should me some other type of option for him. I am so proud of Lauren. She’s doing her own thing.
    Jacqueline needs to stop being so nice and grow a pair. This is why these women think that they can treat like that. Act like a carpet, and people will walk on you.
    Both Kims want to be on the show so bad, and it shows. As much as I can not stand Danielle, she needs a friend on the show. The two Kims are not one of them.

  • adrienne

    Danielle, those eyelashes while you were singing have GOT TO GO!!!! They’re too Over The Top, even for you. They looked ridiculous! Voice much better than Luanne’s and the Atlanta chick – I was slightly surprised – thanks for not sounding like a cackling hen or a screech owl.
    Methinks Danielle’s complete act is attention-seeking and she throws in whatever she can purely for shock value and then plays the “Why do they do this to me” victim.

    What’s next? Piercings? Tattoos? Motorcycle gang? She has plenty of pornos out there for sale.
    Something I don’t like about Theresa anymore. She’s not that smart and it’s really starting to show.

  • Ellz

    wonky tit…bahahahahahahahhahahahahahah. I just usted out laughing at work, everyone thinks I’m crazy but that was hilarious!!

  • Karen

    I loved how that wannabe socialite party planner Elvira was so condescending about serving drinks in plastic cups instead of china. She said china more than once, too. Um, hello Ms. Fancy Pants, it’s called crystal — well unless you prefer your martinis in a china tea cup. Despite all of Elvira’s hired help, I guess she doesn’t have anyone on the payroll to lend her a clue. What a pathetic little twerp!

    • As another of our housewives would say, money can’t buy you cla-aaass.

      Elegance is lea-arned, my friends…

  • Lorie

    “marble-and-granite-and-onyx conference center”

    I completely spit my drink all over my computer monitor! Perfect description!!

  • Relli

    Amanda, great recap as ALWAYS. I have be trying not to watch because i find this franchise utterly boring, maybe because i grew up in the suburbs and knew TOO many people who lived beyond their means in order to maintain status or whatever, I get bored with Atlanta too. I however broke my pact in on Monday and watched the scene with Elvira Queen of the Ugly home goods and a bit of WHHL, and walked away with the exact same feeling you did. I hope this is the calm before the storm and Danielle’s signing did not cause my ears to bleed but i wouldn’t give her a Grammy yet an Emmy maybe, it take a lot of energy to walk around with all the airs she puts on.

    Anyway I read your recap and realized that there ARE TWO KIM’s! What how did i miss that! AND how desperate do you have to be send a press release out stating you are the new real housewife. AND why would B have some one from Jersey plan her wedding? I think i need to read your recap archives.

    What’s the verdict on D.C. will you be covering it?

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Why Elvira The Party Planner would redesign Teresa’s house to look like a Miami Vice 80’s disco set is beyond me. It looked horrible. And expensive. I can’t imagine how anyone would think rainbow lights and a red carpet outside your house is anything but gawdy and god-awful. I loved the irony of her comments against plastic glasswear while sitting on a gold couch. That was not lost on me. Also not overlooked: what a b***h Elvira is! Why in the world would you subject yourself to someone like this?

    Watching Danielle makes my stomach turn. I see her the same way I see Kelly on HWofNYC.

    I’m really starting to respect Caroline. I started to tear up during her conversation with Albie. I’m a mother of a son too, so I can understand her feelings. You hate to see them suffer but cannot let them wallow in self-pity. It doesn’t serve them well. His father was right when he said that if he let this hurdle destroy him, he’s not fit to be an attorney. It’s a tough profession requiring a tough personality. (and thick skin) This will be a true test for him.