The Real Housewives of New Jersey
I…I just…I don’t know where to start. There’s just too much. It was too good. And just to think, the Real Housewives of New Jersey has only just begun. So we’ll go one by one, I suppose, until we get to know the ladies (broads?) better and get more of a storyline.

We’ll start off where the show started – Teresa. Teresa might be the tannest person on the show (which is quite the…accomplishment?) and may also be the tannest person I’ve ever seen in my entire life. We won’t even talk about the hair line, because I’ve yet to decide if it’s natural or a lace front yet, and if it’s a weave, she needs to find a new weavologist. Her husband is so swollen, oiled-up, and greasy that I felt like I needed to go wash my face after seeing him. She describes him as “juicy,” which is just about as disgusting of a word as I can even imagine to describe his state of being. He owns a “construction business” which they might as well just call a “concrete business” – it smells like a mob front from all the way over here. Teresa watches the three kiddos (two of which are cute, the oldest of which looks like she might be possessed by Satan), pretends she’s not a stage mom, and spends her husband’s juicy money on tacky furniture for their palatially tacky new house. She’s also contemplating spending some of it on new “buhbbies,” which are forthcoming. Can you wait? I can’t. Teresa isn’t part of The Family (I’ll explain in a moment), but she actually does appear to be friends with the rest of the women in real life, unlike a lot of the Real Housewives in other cities. She also makes the best facial expressions of any of the women, by FAR.

Next, Caroline. She’s the matriarch of sorts of The Family – three of this season’s housewives are related. She’s the oldest and toughest of them and she’s got three grown kids with her husband. One is going in to law school and the other two work at the Brownstone banquet hall, which is the family business. My FAVORITE moment of this episode was watching her two grown sons fight over which of them was more of a douche – to which, I think, the only answer is that they are both TREMENDOUSLY douchey. And they both obviously know that. Which is part of the charm of this season so far – these women appear to at least partly understand that they’re ridiculous, and they embrace it. Caroline’s part in this episode was fairly tame, but if the previews are any indication, I am going to be terrified of her by the time we’re done with this.

And then there’s Dina, Caroline’s sister and wedding-reality-show alum. Dina also works at the Brownstone as an event planner since she is married to her sister’s husband’s brother – try to wrap your head around that for a moment. Two sisters, married to two brothers. Dina, I think, is a bit quicker on the uptake than she seems. Which is to say, she seems like a total idiot at first, but I don’t think she is. She has a daughter from a previous marriage that seems to be so spoiled that she will surely make some poor guy totally miserable in a few years, and she also has a feud going with Housewife Danielle, which seems totally reasonable, based on what we know about both of them.

The most interesting information about Dina and Caroline? The brothers that they married are the son of a real Made Man. Their father-in-law, Alberto ‘Tiny’ Manzo, was found shot to death, naked and hogtied, in the trunk of his Lincoln back in the 80s. There are very few times in my life where I get to use the phrase “naked and hogtied,” so just let that one sink in for a second.

And we’ve got Jacqueline, sister-in-law of Dina and Caroline. She’s married to their brother, and has therefore been inducted as part of The Family. She’s the non-native Jerseyan (Jersian? Jerseyite?) of the group, but that doesn’t mean she can’t still fall victim to the terrible hair that the state of New Jersey apparently imparts on all of its residents (or maybe just its residents that star in reality shows). She, like Dina, also has a daughter from a previous marriage and also a son with her current husband. She wants more babies (not to be confused with buhbbies – she already has plenty of those), and apparently can’t have them, which we’ll learn more about as the season goes on. She seems generally good-natured, but I guess most people do after about an hour of airtime.

Lastly, Danielle. Holy crackers, Danielle. She’s friends with Jacqueline and really NOT friends with Dina, which will assuredly be a problem for her in the future. Danielle takes up most of this episode’s mini plot by attempting to meet up with an internet interest named GucciModel with whom she has been having naughty phone conversations for two years. She has no idea what his real name is, and apparently won’t ever know it because he totally stands her up at their date. Jacqueline and Teresa had played detective, though, so they were hiding at the restaurant (with enormous binoculars), ready to swoop in. And they did, although no one knows what they actually did after that. Danielle seems totally and utterly unstable, particularly when it comes to men, which should make for some FANTASTIC television in weeks to come. Also, she has one of the most painful-looking boob jobs (and eye jobs, while we’re at it) that I’ve ever seen. For someone that was formerly married to a multi-millionaire, you’d think she would have invested a couple grand in getting some buhbbies that don’t look like bolted-on grapefruit halves. Seriously. Ouch.

But that’s the moral to the Jersey story, folks: money doesn’t buy taste or decorum. And these ladies – who are actually housewives, unlike a lot of the other seasons – know it. And they love it. They seem a lot more candid and real (in a ridiculous way) than some of the others, and that’s what’s going to keep me coming back week after week. I can’t wait until the real plotlines get going…

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • windowshopping

    I haven’t seen the episode yet, but I’m not sure that the reality could be any more hilarious than your commentary!

    Looking forward to more synopses.

  • raebelle26

    I watched the show last night. WOW! I didn’t think that Bravo could top the trashy antics of the Atlanta housewives. However, the Jersey housewives have taken over the trashy top spot. I’m so hooked. Danielle is the most honest golddigger of the entire Real Housewives series. She puts Sheree to shame. You just have to laugh!

  • D

    Wow that was the best blog post you’ve EVER written.
    I especially enjoyed “There are very few times in my life where I get to use the phrase “naked and hogtied,” so just let that one sink in for a second.” LOL.

  • Lindi

    Another season of craptastic reality TV. YAY!!

    Was disappointed that there weren’t more noteworthy bags being carried but I did spot some Chanel sunglasses. Has anyone spied anything that I missed?

  • Cherie L.

    your commentary was too long and i didn’t read a single word, no offense really. but just by looking at the picture, i can tell that TRHofNJ will be filled with guido-type mafia and other assorted “entrepreneurial” members of “family businesses”, who go over and out of their way to exert how “old money” they really are. i got all of this from the cheap satin stuits and the chimichanga fur coats. *lol*

    i can only wait with baited breath to see if jersey is more hoochie than atlanta.

    no prizes for guessing??

  • chanel_lovver

    This season is going to be sooooo good!! I can’t wait to see what kind of terror Caroline instills in people!

  • Dawn

    LOL amanda, i haven’t seen it yet but now i want to more than ever :)
    great review!

  • robbins65

    Great Review Amanda! Looking forward to more. I enjoyed the show last night! Can’t wait for more episodes.

  • Sarah

    That is one of the funniest posts you have ever done, I love your recaps. I watched the show with a friend who lives in Upper Saddle River which is just next door to them. She said that only Caroline and Dina really have a lot of money, that Dina is considered a gold digger by almost everyone in New Jersey, and that Theresa’s husband has passed away and that she is not sure if Theresa will get any money. She said most people do not know Danielle, and that Jacqueline is genuine and very nice.

  • Empress

    GREAT POST and funny to boot. I thought the Atlanta housewives were tacky… wow… Jersey has them beat by a long shot. Ghettofabulous and trashtastic. I thought I was the only one bothered by Teresa’s hairline!! Hello! Get that mess fixed… I turn the channel when I have to watch a 1 inch forehead. Creepy.

  • redney

    Amanda, awesome review!! You’ve completely captured the next crop of RH! Can’t wait for this season’s antics and the sure-to-come drama!

    Sarah – Theresa’s husband (aka “Juicy”) passed away?! Any more details on this (during the season?)

  • @Lindi: Teresa has an LV Mahina, Dina had a Gucci bag and some Bulgari sunglasses, Jacqueline a Chanel classic flap…that’s all I’ve got off the top of my head, but these women LOVE designer stuff.

  • @Sarah WHAT?!?! I couldn’t find anything about Teresa’s husband’s death online, are you sure? I’m assuming he has the same last name as Teresa, so he would be Joe Guidice, correct?

  • Jenny

    i think that bravo jumped the shark w/ these ladies, but i’ll definitely be watching. it bothers me that danielle wants someone to save her family and all she’s willing to do is hunt for a man. that’s a lot to ask and no wonder they run. or it could be that the relationship is based entirely on phone sex, but i’m just saying. :P oy. and i hope that teresa’s husband didn’t die! while the RH shows are entertaining, you do find a soft-spot for each lady in some way and hearing that someone has died, divorced, etc, is always sad so i hope that’s just a rumor. i do like their brutal honesty though, like when teresa tells danielle that “guccimodel” sounds like a psycho, haha.

  • tadpolenyc

    dammit! i can’t believe i forgot the premiere was this week. great recap, amanda. it was high-larious.

  • Sunshine

    I loved the show and can not wait for MORE! Dina’s clothes are so pretty….she is my fav so far.

  • Otter

    I love the housewives concept, but agree with Jenny – they indeed may have “jumped the shark” with this mess. In my opinion, the best of these shows is when the ladies act foolish but there are some redeeming qualities, and you can empathize with thier weaknesses. These Jersey b*tches area just plain TRASH. They need to put in a blockade so that these jack#ss pigs don’t ooze into NYC or any of the surrounding areas. Nasty as they wanna be skanks.

    Oh, and the even sadder thing is, they are bringing up snotty off-spring. I feel sorry for any educator, store clerk, employer, parole officer, jail house matron, etc., that will need to deal with them in the future. Not cute, not cute at all!

  • Sher

    Wow, totally great description of Tuesday’s show. Can it get any better than these New Jersey Housewives?! Don’t miss part 2 of The Housewives of New York Reunion tonight. What a week!!

  • Gin

    Hilarious! I don’t get Bravo, so I’ll be waiting for your updates Amanda!

  • LDJ

    OMG, your post had me rolling and it is so far the best post I have ever read. I’ve watched the episode and let me tell you, I can’t wait for the bombshell to drop myself for this season, but I doubt if NJ will outdo the ATL cast.

  • LELathon

    OMG you are f*cking hilarious!

    That was pretty much exactly what I’ve been thinking.

    I happened to stumble across this show one afternoon whilst taking a sick day from work and watching the free shows on HULU. Until now I have never bothered with a “real houswives” show because I’m not married and it always looked vapid and boring.

    Until now, that is….

    This is some crazy shit, and i have to watch. Teresa is a reality TV dream come true. Funny as heck and I can’t wait to see what happens.

    I will def, be watching!

  • Nicole C

    Teresa’s husband did not die. I don’t know where you got that from. They just confirmed she is pregnant with her fourth child (sex unknown)…Hope for this guy it’s a boy he’s got four of the girliest girls and needs a boy!! I love her though she is my favorite of them all. Caroline seems really like a mama bear that would do anything to protect her cubs (her son Albie SO GORGEOUS) and it cracks me up that her youngest wants to open up strip clubs can anyone say Bada can’t wait for more!!

  • Marti

    I love this that you can catch the episode on line at the Bravo web site if you miss it.

    I do not like Caroline….cannot stand her daughter either.

    Danielle better stop telling men how lucky they are to date her..what a turn off….I think I will love to hate her..

    Dina–a class one bitch…

    I have to wonder about Joe’s “business” …when I heard Teresa describe what her husband did I felt like I was listening to Carmella Soprano all over again. I wonder if the FEDS are watching all that cash money Teresa carries around. I mean, who carries 120,000 (cash) Grand in their purse???? Just how successful can a construction company really be..WOW…

    Despite all, love it. Glad I found your blog, have you bookmarked.

  • Alex Aler

    Great ppiece written!! I was laughing so hard but you hit the nail on the head. Teresa and her “juicy” husband, grease is the better word. Toatlly agree!. The oldest does look like Satan, great observation and whats with all that illegal cash, how stupid is this broad. Concrete business, that was great, he doesn’t look smart at all to have a business but maybe concrete, that could work. Loved your piece, keep it up, this is such a train wreck. Classless uneducated douche bags!

  • lisa

    You said “Teresa isn’t part of The Family (I’ll explain in a moment), ” but you never explained…. Does anyone know?

  • bellagaby

    yes – Theresa isn’t related to Dina or Caroline (sisters) and Jacqueline is married to Dina & Carolines brother = sister in law, so Theresa is just a friend but not part of The Family… seems to fit right in though. I love this season thus far! Everyone minus Danielle seems sincere… a little spoiled, but that’s what money does to you.

  • Terri

    I’m disappointed that production And the real housewives themselves would allow Danielle’s children to fall victim to an obviously Uncomfortable situation regarding the restaurant scene (flipping of the table/fighting). Why would they let these innocent girls (Danielle’s daughters) walk into a situation where they are made to feel like they’re not welcome and uncomfortable! Such a shame, Anything for ratings=money! Shame on all of the adults for putting the children in such a situation. I’m sure Danielle would Never have been invited if it weren’t for production. People talk about Jon & Kate plus 8 exploiting their children….Hello!

  • susie

    excellent initial review. These women are getto trash. The atlanta housewives were insane , but these women have them beat. The only one who appears to be “normal” is jackie. I can only hope that the children survive.. Theresa’s kids already have deep seated problems.

  • suze

    Just feel very sad that these women are representing NJ women!
    Not to mention NJ’s Italian women!! They are just another group of “connected” people who live off of dirty money. The only thing that they have shown that is accurate is….money does not buy class. Teresa should learn how to speak the english language and Caroline should not act like she is the “Godmother” or should I say that she is a female Tony Soprano?? Very tacky women and being an Italian american, I am totally ashamed by them. To bad Teresa has three girls……the future NJ housewives!!!!!

  • Christine

    Does anyone know the name of the Gucci evening bag that Dina is carrying in the finale at the restaurant? Thanks in advance!!

  • Debo

    Caroline makes me sick with her tough girl routine. Ok we get it your fat and can bully a group of insecure women around. “If you want to mess with me bring it on” leave that line in the 80’s where you should have stayed. By the way Brownstone is AWFUL

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  • Cami Lampert

    Theresa’s oldest daughter actually looks just like her without the makeup and the black hair dye….they are both homely. These modeling agencies know when they have a live one…..they will take anyone who will pay for pictures and donate……parent’s buy thier homely children in.

  • Cami Lampert

    I think the nicest one in the group is Caroline…she’s a Mother, fiercly protective of her
    family….though I am sure her Father-in-law was not murdered randomly…that has absolutely nothing to do with her love for her Husband and family. Most people I speak with connect with her more than anyone else on that show. Danielle is ughly and phoney, the way she made that young guy think he was so wonderful to her and he was
    there for her…..he was there for the sex and he did’nt care one wit about her……she needs to get off the crack.

  • Sven

    You are so funny! Took me a year to come across your comments. But you are hilarious and so on-point. This show is so mafio pretend but maybe actually is, at least from Caroline’s points of comments – she starts and ends every sentence with “the family”. I can’t figure out if she is saying we really are mafioso or we really wish we were. But she seems really hooked on adding it as an adjective to everything relating to her personally, as though she doesn’t have a personal singularity without “the family”. These “girls” really seem like grown up “Jersey Shore Snookies” with cash. They’re just so funny to watch in that they really are “Snookies” with plastic boohbies and greasy greasy, cooked on the grill hubbies. Evidently they can’t get credit cards cuz they have bad creds but they always seem to have tons of cash lying around. They’re just so funny – until this show, I thought “broads” like these only existed in mafia movies, but now I know they’re real. What an eye opener. Thank god I don’t live in NJ, I would be mortified!

  • Tabby

    they are all a bunch of trash.
    Caroline is a F-ugly Bully & I despise her protective family cavaleir attitude ,she is jealous b’cuz she is ugly inside & out.
    Jackie is the only decent one.

    Dina is a liar
    Teresa is just stupid
    Danielle has anger problems but I think she has a history of a hard life( so some sympathy is due) And the others should NOT be mean to her

  • Jules

    I have my suspicions about Teresa’s husband. I saw the episode where she’s showing Gina around her new house, and other episodes where she spends money like there’s no tomorrow. Now, I wanna know… does Joe really make his money via a construction company? Please! Like you, I personally think it’s more than that. And he even looks and acts like a m_ _ _ _ _r.

  • Liz

    Now that the enormous bubble of phony prosperity that Joe and Theresa Giudice created has been burst by their creditors, it will be interesting to see how things go for them and their girls. According to today’s issue of The New York Post (6/5/10), the banks have foreclosed on their gaudy, over-the-top house, and the husband and wife team owe more than $11 million in mortgages on other houses and credit card bills and real estate deals. WOW!!! Now the two scam artists have filed for bankruptcy which will relieve them of their debts and allow them to start fresh and begin building up a whole new life of fake financial success and high living.

  • Mike

    Haha, the Giudice’s owe 12 million! These people are living fictitious lives in front of the camera. I don’t care who you are, when you file for bankruptcy clearly you are in some fantasy world. Good luck Giudices, prove me wrong will ya!

  • Beezer

    P L E A S E do a follow up! I absolutely love your observations and would love to hear what you think now (since this was at the beginning!) P L E A S E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Andrea

    Everyone of you are a bunch of trash…I so pity your kids for the future that you bring to them…esp after watching tonight 5/16/11…You all should be ashamed…trailer trash all of you…never will I watch again.

  • Andrea

    Trailer trash all of you. How embarrassing for your kids later in life.
    I hope you all get what you deserve…oh you are…you’re being paid to act like asses on TV…hope your kids understand later in life…you will reap the rape you have sowed. Watched tonight 5/16/11 what asses you have ALL made of yourselves…guess tv paid you enough…each whore to their own.