rhoa finale

Folks, this is the big one. Supposedly, anyway.

One of the big centerpieces of the season finale of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a fight we didn’t actually get to see, which is a problem. Another big event was a come-to-Jesus moment between a fiance and a future mother-in-law when we know that the wedding never happens, which is also a problem. And then there was Sheree’s fashion show, which I assumed would be a problem, but was actually fairly benign. But I guess two out of three is still pretty bad.

As producers rushed to wrap up a zillion different inane story lines which they had constructed for these women over the past several months, I felt as though something was lost in translation. And that something was: WHERE WAS THE FOOTAGE OF NENE CHOKING OUT KIM??? I’M NOT WATCHING THIS FOR MY HEALTH, BRAVO.

Excuse me, I need a moment.

Ok. So.

First, let’s wrap up the “Who’s Yo Daddy?” thing. Nene still thinks that that dude we met last week is, but her husband is trying to give her the stiff arm in forming a relationship with him, which made him seem like a douche on the show but actually might be good advice. He hasn’t done anything to earn a relationship other than donate some sperm a couple of decades ago, and when you’re newly famous and possibly rich (big “possibly” there), it’s probably not the time to go trying to make nice with your deadbeat father. Not that he seemed like he was all that interested in making nice anyway. Bam. Done.

Next, Lisa. Lisa’s house was foreclosed upon this year, which she conveniently forgot to mention on this episode. She and Ed decide that it’s time to move (probably a good idea when you’re getting kicked out) to a property that they own in Chateau Elan. Two fun facts about Chateau Elan: 1. It’s so far outside of Atlanta that it underlines the fact that NONE of these people, save for Kandi, actually live in Atlanta. It’s like doing a Real Housewives of New York with a bunch of people that live in Jersey. 2. I worked in Chateau Elan’s marketing office until January, at which point I got laid off and became the PurseBlogger you all know and love today. So, shout out to them for laying me off into a better job! In exchange, they get a live-in Real Housewife. I wish I could say I was responsible for that.

Before we talk She by Sheree, let’s talk Nene and Kim. Over the summer while the show was being filmed, Nene and Kim apparently had some sort of altercation circa Target that ended in Nene trying to choke Kim out. Because the summer is a super slow news season, everyone in Atlanta (and probably most of you out there on the Internet. I know what you waste your time doing. Reading Perez Hilton.) has already heard about this fight. What I don’t know is why we didn’t get to see it – reports indicate that Bravo cameras were present but they simply chose to not tape it. Also, Nene hasn’t been arrested or charged, despite the fact that there were “witnesses” and Kim called 911.

So, uh, I call shenanigans. I don’t think it happened. If anyone within a mile of these two had been holding a camera when this happened, Bravo would have fallen all over themselves to get the footage. And if it did happen, Nene continues to disappoint me. She also acted like a dick to Kandi at Sheree’s show, demanding an apology for an argument that she had started at the LAST party Sheree had. Plus she was acting like Bobby Valentino, wearing her sunglasses in the club. Not cute. Get it together, Nene. You’re my favorite and you’re making me feel conflicted about that. As far as any physical fight goes, my philosophy is thus: pics or it didn’t happen.

Speaking of Kandi, her portion of the show was one of the shortest and also easily the saddest. At a Mother’s Day barbecue, her mom finally sat down with AJ and gave him her blessing and told him that she wanted to work things out so that he and Kandi could be happy together. Just sad. If Nene can’t get on my level, Kandi is my new favorite housewife. She’s on notice.

So at this point, it’s time for She by Sheree to make its sort-of-awaited debut. Sheree wandered around during the fittings and show preparations, alternately fretting over tickets to a game (probably baseball) and whether or not her Hair Gay would be able to stick a big, bushy hair monster to the back of her head in time for her to watch everything. As far as final fittings, makeup, accessories, and seating? Dwight. Alllll Dwight. Give the man a show. Better yet, kick Sheree off and give the man a fashion line. Sheree wanted to fight with him on everything, and he was right about all of it. Tailoring, accessorizing, Sheree’s hair, all of it. She thinks that you can do a fashion show by styling things how they would be worn on the street, people…Dwight may act like a douche, but for putting up with that kind of idiocy, I think he can act however he wants.

Surprisingly, the clothes were pretty okay for being designed by someone with such a distinct lack of taste. They weren’t awesome, but they were serviceable. A few things were even kind of fetching. What was totally obvious was that the runway show was much more professional than Lisa’s, even though Lisa had to get in a few words about how much the line sucked. Honey, hush, it was better than yours. In the case of She by Sheree vs. Closet Freak, She by Sheree is the clear winner.

And that was kind of it. Not a hugely entertaining finale, but when there’s no footage of the big fight that they hyped up, I guess it was never going to be anything but a letdown. There were, however, one or two jokes in the “where are they now” information at the end. Sheree, our resident man in a woman’s body (or is it woman in a man’s body?), is working on releasing workout videos and Kim, our resident idiot with a ring, has still not set a date for her wedding and Big Poppa has yet to actually get divorced. It’s good to know that some things never change.

I’ll be recapping our motley crew’s reunion next week, and then it’s on the the Real Housewives of Orange County. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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