It’s time for the last round in my post-Fashion Week apology tour: Y’all, I’m sorry I missed last week’s episode of The Rachel Zoe Project. At that point in my Fashion Week, I had been rendered completely unable to think thoughts or feel feelings, so any recap I would have written would have consisted of me whimpering for someone to bring me a Diet Coke.

Not that my everyday life doesn’t consist mostly of that, because it does, but you probably don’t want to read that in a recap. So here we have your regularly scheduled fashion shenanigans, complete with a Kardashian in her underwear. If that doesn’t entice you, I don’t know what can. (Seriously, the Internet seems to have proven that’s the most enticing thing ever.)

We started with Rachel and her newly arrived hair stylist Joey, who were talking about cleavage and nipples and whether or not the baby was going to “come out of her vadge” or be C-sectioned. Since the two were clearly clueless about the mechanics of having a baby, Rachel’s sister would be coming to visit to explain the birds and the bees to Rachel and her team before the baby dropped straight out of Rachel in the middle of a styling appointment and waved at everyone.

Speaking of challenges, we then visited Rodger and Jeremiah, who were over at the new house to discuss decorating. Rodger and Rachel wanted to be ready to move in in two weeks, and they had…no furniture! Have you guys ever tried to buy high-end furniture before, particularly for a very large house? It takes like 800 years to take delivery of anything. They start chopping down the trees to make the furniture like a week after you place the order, if you’re lucky and they feel like it. If not, eh, they’ve already got your money and they don’t care! They’ll get to it when they get to it.

On top of that, Jeremiah seemed to be kind of a himbo and he’s not at all familiar with Rachel’s aesthetic, which is a problem when you’re dealing with someone for whom aesthetics are so important. You know, she’s just a stylist. I’m sure she’ll take whatever Ikea leftovers her unqualified new employee manages to haul in for her, right? Rachel’s not particular about how things look at all, so I see no problem there. It’s not like this stuff is expensive or anything.

Into this fray, enter Kim Kardshian! Someone affiliated with her called up Rachel in the middle of her complaining about being so busy to say that Kim needed a stylist and a few looks for a Valentine’s Day-themed photoshoot that was shooting in, uh, 24 hours. After getting off the phone, Rachel summoned her gays to pull lots of Kardashiclothes and Jordan to look for pretty (BUT TIGHT. MAKE IT TIGHT.) gowns.

While Jordan got to gownin’, Joey and Jeremiah went to pick up some shoes. And by some shoes, I mean all of the shoes, as long as they were red or black and made by the handsome hands of Brian Atwood. Joey was like a kid in a candy store, but Jeremiah wanted to focus on what they had been told to find and offering a good variety of options, and at this point in the episode, I still had no idea who was going to be right. On the one hand, I agreed with Jeremiah that bringing along some shoes in colors other than red or black was probably a good idea. On the other hand, if that was true, why not bring some fancy belts or whatever else, just in case?

Elsewhere, Rachel and Rodger had taken the afternoon off to argue about whether or not Rodger could go to Las Vegas for the Super Bowl. Rachel said no, because she was 46 months pregnant and they had a million things to do and she was intent on taking it out on Rodger. And, I mean, I don’t really blame her. But she told him to go anyway, even though she made it clear she was pissed, and naturally he was going to go. In a way, wouldn’t it just be easier to send your husband to Vegas for a day if you’re cranky and working and he’s just going to be pouting underfoot all day when you need to work? This is why I’m single. Send the dude to Vegas. Whatever. Get him out of my face.

And then, the Kardashishoot! There Kim was, in all of her perfect-haired glory, and Rachel and Joey were there to put her in a white button-down and underwear. Himbo Jeremiah wasn’t allowed to come along because Rachel could only bring one assistant, and since Joey is one of Those Gays who worships Kim, he got the call-up to be the boy short-adjuster for the day. Meanwhile, Jeremiah was trying to custom-order furniture without approval or oversight for a woman he’s known for approximately two weeks. That’s going to go SO WELL.

Back at the shoot, Kim was perpetually pecking away at her Blackberry at every spare second, even when Joey was shoving his arm up her red Dolce & Gabbana dress to adjust her slip. In addition to her endless texting, the most interesting part of Kim in the episode was how tiny she look. I had always heard that she was very small, but I think that you get an image of her when you only see her compared to her sisters, and my impression was that she’s average height and out-of-control curvy. Next to other people who we know are small, she looked very petite and quite curvy, but not aggressively so. In fact, she looked very pretty. So, you know, good for Kim.

Seemingly immediately after the shoot ended, Rachel’s sister showed up and swept the unhappy couple off to a doula, who Rodger may or may not have called a scam artist. (Did I hear that asshole correctly? I’m really not a huge Rodger fan, you know?) I can see why Rachel was so irritated with him – he gets to go to Vegas, can’t he shut up and be supportive for ten seconds while Rachel actually got a little information about birthing a baby. (Instead, she’s just going to “wing it.” God help us all.) The doula handled it well, but Rodger continued to throw his toddler fit in the car on the way home.

You see, Rodger is neglected. Rachel is about to give birth and her work is indispensable to her family’s income, but you guys, Rodger just needs to feel more special. He’s cranky, and he’s unsure of change, and he just needs someone to tell him how important he is and how special he is. Do the rest of you remember him being the one that pressed the whole baby issue so hard last season? Was he not the one who insisted that all of this stuff take place as soon as possible? I’m not making that up, am I? And now he has exactly what he wanted, and he’s pouting. Fantastic.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Kat

    Hilarious. I swear, reading the recaps is as much fun as watching the actual show.

    Therefore this is why you should still do the Gossip Girl recaps, Amanda. Please, please, please?

  • chloebagfreak

    I’m bummed that this was the only show I could watch to get away from the Kardashian odor. I am so tired and bored of those vapid vamps!
    Let’s keep neurotic fashion in the realm of true artists and anorexics!
    Really, I do like this show and love the new guy, but I really only want to see true talent at Rachel’s fingertips. I hope this “krass” mistake was a one time “ooops.”(spelling error intended)

  • willbuy

    I just stopped laughing from your Rachel and Joey birthing recap. You really are more entertaining than these shows. Kims constant texting got on my nerves. I really hope the Petra[?spelling] sisters take over from the Kardashians.Does anyone know if Jeremiah is still with Rachel? I like Joey alot and am glad he’s on this season.

  • erica

    Himbo!! That’s hilarious!!! I have beencalling him Bizzaro Brad and Bizzaro Taylor (for mandana)

    Kim is gorgeous but so I don’t know…blah! Even her “hair flip” was kind of robotic and devoid of any personality. And her comment “You don’t look pregnant from behind” was hilarious. Who looks pregnant from behind?

    Rachel is getting a C section regardless, that’s obvious. And I’m kind agree with the Rodge. He had a point about a doula being maybe unnecessary? As Rachel said, women have been having babies for years without them. But besides that, Vegas and from the preview..strippers?? Not cool Rodger

    • Channelingchanel

      Not to be a brat, but a doula is actually more like what people have been having babies for years WITH. Long before there were neo-natal care units, and even before the rise of the medical profession, women had babies with mid-wives, maybe, but definitely their moms, sisters, mom-in-law, etc. A doula is a trained professional, in the way a lot of peoples moms and sisters are not, who fulfills that role for those people who want to have a birth plan and an advocate in the delivery room – especially women who want to give birth without pain drugs – so that the father and mother can concentrate on the delivery. They also prepare the expecting mother for all the things that a lot women tend not to talk about regarding pregnancy and birth – the heavy bleeding for up to 6 weeks after delivery, the loosening of joints, etc.

      I only say this because I think that people treat doulas like they are this new thing, when they are really more of a return to the way women used to give birth, with lots of other supportive women around them, concentrating on them. (Unlike now, when, no matter how nice and wonderful the nurses are, they don’t stay with the mother and father during the HOURS of labor prior to really pushing and the doctors basically check in, and in some cases administer pitocin on a schedule that’s not always focused on that specific mother and baby.)

      That said, Rach is obvi going for the c-section, so this was probably more about, hey, doulas are trendy and people will think we’re being so hollywood!

      • Jennifer

        Channelingchanel – Thank you so much for your comment. It does seem like people think doulas are a new, hip thing – but having a knowledgeable woman by your side during the birthing process is how we have mostly been giving birth since, well, the beginning. Of course, doulas are now more specially trained and all that. Having had 2 children, I can tell you that Rachel definitely needs a doula. I hope she isn’t as clueless as she seems about vaginal delivery or even a C-section – but the doctors and nurses do not stay with you – well at least not your average folk. And one of my children was very early – but the doctor and neonatal team only walked in to catch so to speak . . .

      • janis

        my mom is a midwife and she hates doulas. she says pointless.

  • suz

    Amanda, I continue to marvel at your ability to create high humor from the doing of these incredibly vapid, whiny and totally humorless people. But not for the fashion, I’m pretty sure this show would have no “legs”. So, thanks for keeping the troops amused.

  • shallowgal

    yes… they do tend to take themselves a little too seriously, right? I was hoping to live my life “kardashian free”… but now that’s been taken away from me.
    long live “false drama” and the blogs that make it worth watching, like this one!

    • Mariah

      LOL at “Kardashian free”. But seriously, they’re creeping up in places you don’t expect them to be. Kim presenting at the VMAs – why?

  • ellenbakes

    I’ve not yet decided how I feel about this season yet. Mainly because it is ever more apparent how deteriorated the Zoe/Berman marriage is without buffers. So it was only natural that Rodger would ask (beg, plead, bribe with a Mercedes) Joey to come back.

    The only one who even seemed concerned that a real human would be born imminently was Rachel’s sister. Rachel still thinks the baby will simply appear on command. Good luck with that. And, no Amanda, you were not imagining that Rodger insisted on this pregnancy. Maybe what he needs to do is give birth to a career of his own.

    Okay Jeremiah couldn’t be more “one of these things doesn’t belong” if he tried. I definitely had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach too when he just ordered the furniture with no approval or knowledge of what Rachel might want. Capital “D” on the upcoming disaster please.

    I love Joey and will always love Joey. So I’m really hoping that his styling exploits don’t lead to a departure to do his own thing next year ala Brad. Oh, wait, I forgot we weren’t supposed to mention his name (cross it out just like Taylor).

  • erica

    @channelingchanel…true, anything that makes childbirth or parenting easier (doula, nanny, babysitter) is of course welcomed! And I am sure doulas are both highly trained and knowledgeable.

    Just saying that the regular, hard-working mom usually can not afford these luxuries and have been having babies without them for many years with great success. So if we can do it, I am sure Rachel can too.

  • Blaine

    Thank GOD someone has finally said it!! I can’t stand Rodger – he’s whiny & stressy & has that angry lesbian haircut & I STILL can’t figure out what it is HE does to provide for his family.

    Doulas used to be known by a different name: Grandma, Auntie, or Very Nice Neighbor-Matron Down the Block. When I had my babies I was hundreds of miles away from anyone who gave a damn, so when my best friend had her first baby? I stayed over the first few nights … and wound up straddling her husband at 3:00 a.m. (and not in a good way) smacking him in the face with a pillow & screaming for him to get the f*** out of bed & help his new wife with the baby.

    Let me tell you, when I visit now, every house on that street knows the story & I’m treated like the godfather (or like someone who can get her ragepants in a twist in a nanosecond, same difference.) Doulas, or whoever helps those first few months – it’s important and Rodger should just nut up or shut up. Just how does he contribute to anything??

    • Tannedsilk

      LOL @ ‘angry lesbian haircut” – too funny.

  • Jess

    I hate to break it to everyone, but there is no way Rachel doesn’t approve of the way Rodger dresses, wears his hair, etc…that’s how she likes her men to look. And you can very much look pregnant from the back. Your butt will get wider than you ever thought possible in a way that only pregnancy can cause.

    I can understand Rodger being stressed about the baby. Even though he’s not physically carrying it, he’s feeling it the way every man feels…will we have enough money, how will it change us as a couple, will we break the baby??? My husband was the same way.