It looks as though our lovely relationship with The Rachel Zoe Project is breaking up next week, but we should enjoy it while things last. After all, with awards season ending, we should have seen this coming. The writing was on the wall. I blame myself.
The thing is, we won’t be able to enjoy our last days with this show if the relationship contained therein keeps trying to alienate us. We just want to love you, Rachel and Rodger! Why won’t you let us love you??? Also, if you promise to show us more clothes next week than you did last night, we promise not to make you talk about that whole uncomfortable baby thing again. We swear.
Remember last week when Brad was irritated that Ashley took a few days off because she was sick? Well, she’s getting “fired” for it. Now that awards season is over, they don’t really need her any more, and the decision to not continue to pay her seemed to be made pretty quickly. Poor girl – she was verbally dismissed while not even being present, and then she was never spoken of again.
Conversation quickly went from firing Ashley to cooking seder dinner for Rachel’s entire family, and then from cooking seder to babies because The Rodge wanted a decision on having kids before Rachel’s family arrived for a visit. All Rachel was concerned about was making sure she didn’t have to stick her hand up a turkey’s hoo-ha to cook dinner, and also that if she were to get pregnant, she would be allowed to wear Chanel in the delivery room. She has the perfect cape for it. It would be a moment.
But before any turkeys could be stuff or babies made, we got to meet a comedian named Amy Phillips who has earned a reputation for impersonating Rachel on the internet. Rodger had some kind of bright idea about shooting a viral video with Rachel and this comedian lady, during the filming of which The Rodge threw a marker at Rachel, cussed at everyone who was having a good time, and generally fumed, scowled and whined his way through the afternoon. Good to see that he managed to be consistent from the last episode to this one. Perhaps I’m just biased because I’ve wanted to throttle him so badly for a few episodes now, but his reaction seemed entirely unprofessional.
He was able to gather up his manhood and apologize to Brad for cussing him out in front of a room full of people, though, and then the flood gates open. The Rodge has never seemed to like Brad all that much, but he more or less let loose about his relationship issues while talking to him in private. I am sympathetic about the lack of work that Rachel seems to be doing in the relationship, but perhaps discussing it on a reality show with your wife’s employee isn’t the best course of action.
Speaking of poor courses of action: next, instead of having a rational conversation with Rachel like he had with Brad, Rodger yelled and cussed at Rachel when she said that she’d rather he didn’t yell and cuss at the employees that way. To me, that’s a totally reasonable request – no matter how stressed Rodger is, there’s no reason to blow up like that and make a fool out of everyone. Rachel needs to show him more respect while at work, but The Rodge also needs to act like someone who deserves professional respect.
Next on the agenda was picking dresses for Rachel’s new client Beau Garrett, who is apparently an actress in a film called Tron that I’m already not interested in. Beau was beautiful and needed very little to make her look great (which Brad was very excited about), and she also had an adorable dog. She was also very agreeable, which helps, as does being tall and thin and looking great in everything. Uh, plus she has a great actress name. Beau might be so cool that I hate her a little bit.
A fashion emergency is never far away, though, and suddenly the team had to style a yoga photo shoot for Molly Simms. I’m not sure where Brad and Jordan were supposed to get yoga clothes, but I’m pretty sure Chanel doesn’t make that stuff. Or maybe they do. They make skis, after all, and yoga is a thing that rich people do as well. Jordan pulled stuff from Lulu Lemon (duh, should have thought of that) and Brad approved. Since Rachel was had gotten stuck inside of her seder turkey and was nowhere to be found, Brad’s approval was the only thing that was needed.
Except, well, it wasn’t. Brad had been told no white, and all the photographer (or creative director? Who was that guy?) wanted was white. Oops. A wardrobe “powwow” was required and Brad felt terrible, and I’m not sure why they couldn’t just put her in a solid-colored outfit and Photoshop it white afterward. I mean, I can do that. It’s not difficult, and it probably would have been faster than sending an intern to navigate the Los Angeles freeways in search of a pair of skintight white shorts.
While all of this was going on, Rachel was at a grocery store of all places. As you might have guessed, Rachel is not a frequent visitor to a grocery store and never cooks, so her shopping methods were…inexact. She wanted to buy challah for Passover, which is kind of brilliant in its airheadedness. Rachel and Rodger continued to snipe at each other throughout the grocery trip, and it became more and more clear that they both need to take a timeout and probably go on vacation far away and without Blackberries, as Rodger had suggested. Awards season is over, Brad and Jordan are capable, why not take a few days to themselves? Not that The Rodge gets a pass – calling Rachel a retard in a decidedly nasty tone of voice is not constructive, particularly not in public and in front of cameras.
Rachel and Rodger managed to get the groceries home without killing each other (with the help of Rachel’s assistant Marissa), at which point a soda exploded and Rachel and her Hair Gay discussed whether or not turkeys have hair. In Rachel’s defense, raw turkey is totally vile, not to mention heinously smelly, and I don’t like handling it either. She had managed to forget latkes, brisket and kosher gravy, though, so she sent Marissa to secretly procure those things from a, uh, “reliable source.” She also outsourced “bowl options” from Jordan.
Someone had the nerve to bring a baby to the seder, so we had to have the Rachel Baby Conversation again, this time with the Hair Gay. Rachel insists that her clothes and bags are her babies and she doesn’t need anything else, which I think is a perfectly reasonable stance, but they finally sussed out the source of Rachel’s fear – she doesn’t want to carry the baby because she thinks it’ll be too hard on her body. I’m not sure why they don’t hire a surrogate if that’s the thing stopping Rachel from wanting a child, since it seems as though they have the financial resources to do so.
Rachel’s also scared that she would have a miscarriage or other medical emergency with the baby, which is a valid concern – she’s toward the end of normal female fertility, and the risk of miscarriage rises when you get that close to 40. Surprisingly, when the Hair Gay (whose name I genuinely do not know, or I would use it) asked her if she was afraid of getting fat, she said that she wasn’t without a moment of hesitation or any break in eye contact. I believed her, and I didn’t expect to.
Thankfully that conversation only lasted a few minutes and we got straight back to the food to take our minds off of the difficult issues of fertility and health. I’m not sure exactly how much of the dinner Rachel “cooked,” but the seder looked not only delicious, but warm and familial. Even Rachel’s parents were there, and her dad did perhaps the realest thing that a dad could ever do on reality TV – he pressured Rachel to get pregnant during the toast. It was all very cute, except that the episode then ended with Rodger threatening to divorce her during a spliced-in interview. It must be fantastic to hear your husband say that on television, huh?
In the end, this episode was short on clothes and long on relationship drama, which is a wonderful demonstration of why seasons of this show only last eight episodes and always take place during awards season and fashion month. Next week Rachel is styling the Met Ball, though, so hopefully we’ll have more clothes porn for the season finale.
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