First, the good news: this episode provided us with an hour’s worth of scintillating travel porn. The Dominican Republic definitely just got the Kardashian bump, and it looked absolutely stunning. In the words of Liz Lemon: “I want to go to there.”

The bad news: the Kardashians were on their absolute worst behavior. This DR getaway is on the fast-track to becoming the vacation from hell, despite the five star resort vibes and swoon-worthy scenery.

But first things first – Kris Jenner did NOT rendezvous with Tom, the guy for whom she left Robert Kardashian and “randomly” ran into last week. Or maybe Kris did so off-screen and pretended she didn’t, which would make this the one thing she’s done off-camera in the last five years. Either way, her non-decision makes last week’s cliffhanger a real bust.

Moving on, it was time to plan ye annual Kardashian family vacation. Kourtney sold the whole fam right away on a trip to Ireland (which would’ve made this episode like 100x more amazing, because the Irish would not know how to deal with Kardashian ridiculousness). But later, Kourt up and changed her mind because she didn’t realize how far away Ireland was. Where did you think it was, Kourt? Slightly left of Hawaii? Anyways, after the family re-decided on the DR, Kourtney changed her mind AGAIN last-minute, and decided she didn’t want to go, even though her Louis Vuitton bags were already packed. Her reason? Because she felt rushed and it didn’t feel “natural.” She’s pregnant and she doesn’t do things that don’t feel “natural”, you guys. She said that several times throughout the course of the episode. She’s clearly under the impression that she should float through her entire pregnancy on a gilded cloud of comfort – and you know, I guess she can afford it – but she becomes so thoroughly unsympathetic at this point, I can’t even deal. I’ve missed a flight or two in my day, but never for sheer lack of trying.

Anyhoo, Kim ended up missing her own flight because of Kourtney’s indecisive pregnant rudeness. And get this: Kourtney pulled the same shizz again a day later during a layover in Miami. If she were my sister, I would’ve rolled that bloated broad up in a Turkish rug and carried her pregnant ass onto the plane myself.

Sidenote: Later in the episode, Kourtney confessed to buying a $7000 patio table, but after talking it over with Rob and Scott, she canceled her order. Her wasted expenditures in this episode probably could’ve paid off my student loans.

Usually on any given episode of “Kardashians,” either Kourtney or Scott is being a jerk. In this ep, it’s both of them, which made this hour of my life particularly unbearable. Scott was being a dick because Bruce took him to the racetrack with his REAL sons, and while there, introduced him to someone as his “friend”. How would you have him phrase it, Scott? “This is Scott, a shameless fame-monger who occasionally impregnates my step-daughter.” “This is Scott, my pretend son-in-law who has no legal claim to any of my assets.” Scott got PEEVED and left the track early, well before Bruce & sons were done with raceway fun. That really got Bruce’s goat, and he let us know that he was NOT looking forward to quality time in the Caribbean with this douche.

I’ve always been confused as to why Bruce & Scott are pals anyways. Other than their shared bond of being totally useless to all of the Kardashian women, they really have nothing in common. Scott lamented to the viewers at home that he and Bruce are more than friends – though he later tells Rob that they have “no relationship,” and he doesn’t like Bruce pretending he’s Mason’s grandfather, because he’s not, and Scott will “tell him that to his face.” Scott is emotionally 12 years old.

The villa in the DR where the Kardashians set up camp was pretty effing magical. (If you can bankroll this kind of premium vacation experience, it’s CasadeCampo.) Their villa was right on the water, and it had an amazing pool, roof decks, and indoor/outdoor spaces. I wanna live there. Forever.

Khloe surprised her fam on their vacation by actually showing up. (Because she was so busy doing nothing with her unemployed hubs in Texas, right?) Kris is moved to tears, because Khloe missed Christmas and Easter. Khloe is like a rogue teen ringleader though, so it doesn’t really work out in Kris’ favor. Kendall and Kylie brought their BFFs Spencer and Maddie with them on vacay (who are also sisters who look like twins. It’s incredibly eerie.), so Khloe had an army of four teens at her disposal, and they were up for absolutely anything.

Because there’s so little to do in the DR, Khloe and the Baby Jenners and their clones decided to get crazy tribal. They slapped on some neon face paint, and dragged their mom out of bed so they could sacrifice her to the luxury vacation gods. Sadly, Kris Jenner did not get burned alive, but she did end up with a broken toe.

Ugh, here are some other things that happened in this episode:

Kris Jenner rented a yacht, got drunk, and piloted a jet ski with Kim on the back.

Bruce met some schlub on the golf course. He was a single, unattached golf pro, so of course Bruce wanted to hook him up with Kim. Bruce wants her to date someone normal, because she has this habit of dating totally loaded professional athletes, and a humble golf pro would be a nice change of pace for her. Later he dragged Kim to the golf course for the sole purpose of introducing them, and we all watched as the sparks totally failed to fly. Bruce mistook basic niceties for raw, sexual chemistry, and invited the guy over to dinner. Kim was appalled and made Bruce un-invite him. Crisis averted.

48 hours into the Kardashian family getaway, Scott, Kourtney, and Mason actually decided to show up. Scott was instantly bummed because Bruce and the girls had been talking smack about him, and he still doesn’t fit in with the family, even two babies in. Bruce expected an apology from Scott about the whole raceway incident, but he didn’t get one because Scott is a profoundly emotionally stunted individual.

The whole episode ended with yet another failed family dinner. Same drama, different representative democracy. Kourtney didn’t want to go skeet shooting because she’s pregnant, which is an excuse not to do everything. Kris called her out on her indecisive ridiculousness, but took things a bit far when she brought up her hot n’ cold relationship with Scott. (Pretty ballsy, since Scott was sitting right there.) Kourtney used this opportunity to play the “dude you had affair with” card once again, and even though Kris never actually met up with said dude (or so we’re led to believe), Bruce got pissed that Kris even gave the guy her phone number and stormed off. Then the entire clan stormed off, Khloe called her mom a liar, and Kris Jenner was left sitting alone at the restaurant in her resortwear finest. END SCENE. I barely realized the episode was over until they started with the whole “Next week…” spiel. Oy vey – another two parter?!

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