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Vaginal Yoga. Water Birth. Night Terrors. Bereavement. These are all hard-hitting issues we dealt with (or pretended to deal with) in this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I’m not gonna lie, this episode of KUTK blew me away with its sheer emotional magnitude. Its deep exploration of the human condition. It almost makes up for the fact that most episodes leave me feeling like I’ve decreased my IQ by 12 points per viewing.

How did this ep up the ante? Four words, people: at-home water birth. If you’ve ever thought of doing it, or you’ve ever been weirdly curious about what it entailed, you might want to DVR the repeat of this episode. If you’re like me, and pregnant women make you ridiculously squeamish, a word of warning: there are some things you just can’t UN-see. This is one of them. I forced myself to watch it twice, for research purposes. The things I do for you Kardashian lovers…

But before we, uh, dive into all that….

So the good(?) news is Kris and Bruce are sharing a bed again, but the bad news is that Bruce is beating his wife in the face nightly…in his sleep. Clearly, this could only mean one thing. Bruce has a serious sleeping disorder. His subconcious DEFINITELY isn’t acting out against Kris Jenner while he’s asleep. This definitely isn’t a manifestation of repressed rage! So why don’t we hook Bruce Jenner up to a ton of electrodes and monitor his sleep habits? That’ll make for fabulous television.

Meanwhile, Kris Jenner hadn’t seen her poor sick mother in two or three years, even though she only lives in San Diego. That’s pretty appalling, Kris! But what’s possibly worse is that in previews for this episode, they totally spun this like Grandma was on her death bed. Not so much the case – Grandma isn’t in the best of health, due to radiation treatments she endured for two different types of cancer, BUT she is very much alive and well. That’s kind of shameful, E! If I were Grandma, I would be filled with righteous Grandma anger.

Also, Kris Jenner just uses her ailing mother as an excuse to make everything about her and her issues, in true Kris Jenner fashion. In some sort of music biz meeting (where was Babyface?!) Kris not only talked on the phone during the meeting, but she also turned it into a conversation about her. Like a lot of people, she doesn’t like to see the people she loves suffering. So she keeps her distance, as a coping mechanism. This isn’t a condition that’s unique to Kris Jenner of course, but clearly, she must think otherwise. Anyways, the girls dragged her along on a roadtrip to San Diego. Grandma is pretty adorable, and keeps a tidy little home – though, hey Kardashians, why is Grandma still working? You should’ve given her a nice little retirement nest egg like four seasons ago.

Ok, I’ve postponed it for as long as possible…Kourtney is apparently way into pre-natal yoga, and ayurvedic medicine, and in this episode, she contemplated an at-home water birth. Spoiler alert: she did not have an at-home water birth. Because that would require, you know, trying really hard at something. And experiencing real pain. Also, it would require a wide variety of facial expressions I’m just not sure Kourtney’s capable of.

Kourtney is really relishing in her pregnancy in this episode, and she looks like that kid is about to drop any second. A friend has gifted Kourt a plaster cast of her big pregnant belly, so naturally we get to see that magic happening. You know what I never want in my home? A cast of someone’s pregnant belly. Kudos to the chick who used her two minutes on national TV to address the topic of orgasmic birth while covering Kourtney’s stomach in wet plaster. CRINGE. Everyone Kourtney encountered on this episode was extolling the virtues of water birth, and Kourtney was getting curiouser and curiouser. Fortunately, there was a small line of expectant mothers who have volunteered to let Kourt and co. watch the whole shebang. Which brings us to my next point…

WHY. Why did some woman volunteer to have the Kardashians, a camera crew, and you know, 14 million viewers at home bear witness to her very intimate and personal at-home water birth? Have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life? I hope she got a serious discount on their water-birthing services. I’m SERIOUSLY hoping that is a large part of the appeal of water birth. I imagine popping that thing out in an inflatable tub has to be a LOT cheaper than a being pumped with fancy drugs in a hospital bed. But you know, money isn’t exactly an object for the Kardashians. Though full discolosure, when that dude ripped his shirt off and jumped in the pool with his screaming pregnant lady, my heart melted like 1000X over. When that baby finally sprung out of that woman’s vagina, it was so weird and white and purple and yellow – not clean and pink like a movie baby. The miracle of birth is pretty special, y’all. And also totally disgusting.

Kourtney had a front row center ticket to this woman’s vagina, while Khloe was so uncomfortable during this whole mess that at one point, she was on the floor, cleaning this woman’s house. This part of the episode was traumatic for everyone, but fortunately for all, after that baby made its big splash into the world, Kourtney’s voyeuristic journey was finally at an end.

Oh, and Bruce decided to wear a cast on his left arm so he wouldn’t beat his wife in his sleep. Here’s another idea, Bruce: switch sides with your wife.

Per usual, all the best lines came from Scott:

In response to vaginal yoga: “Do you have any dick exercises?” (I’m sure “dick yoga” is a thing somewhere Scott, and I’m sure they would love your endorsement.)

In response to Kourt line-drying Mason’s clothes: “Your mommy wants us to live like people from Oklahoma. Or Minnesota!”

In response to Kourt getting her belly cast: “It looks like a (expletive) porn movie in here.”

During an intensive discussion on water-birth: “I wish I had a panic room in this house. I’d go sit in it.”

Musing on pregnancy itself: “I don’t want to be thinking that that kid’s coming out of that little secret place that I like to go to when I’m lonely at night. I wanna think of it as my little playground.”

Also, I think we can all agree that watching Khloe verbally abuse an overly vocal seagull was basically the best part of the episode.

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  • Elegant Tomatoe

    Why would they show that on TV? It is really disgusting. Plus, when did the Kardashians become real enough for a home birth? Ha ha ha…

  • Stephanie Barber

    oh i thought this was going to be called for the love of Kayne… why did kris even say that i know kim was trying to cook for him but what???? me and my bf were so shocked!!!