So where were we with Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Right – Kris Jenner was exacting revenge on Bruce for having golf dates with a former supermodel by getting some “closure” with her long-ago ex, “Todd.” I put his name in quotes because I remain unconvinced that he’s not just a talking blow-up doll. We reconvened with Todd and Kris as they decided what to do about all that oozing sexual tension. (Yuck.) Surprise, surprise, Todd just assumed Kris Jenner was good to go (though to be fair, they did rendezvous on the rooftop bar of a hotel…) and threw all his chips on the table by brazenly asking what room they were in. When Kris wasn’t immediately DTF, he tried to salvage his golden opportunity by ordering a round of shots. But Kris finally had a much delayed crisis of conscience – and decided not to get down and dirty with this douchebag.
Kris was so happy with her sort-of-moral choice that she ran back home, woke up her husband and told Bruce that their relationship was now all sunshine and roses, because she had finally met up with Todd (behind Bruce’s back) and experienced a grand epiphany that hey, he wasn’t all that (subtext: our relationship was mostly sexual and in the light of day, it’s clear he’s kind of an idiot) and now she appreciated Bruce in a whole new way, even though she’d been fantasizing about this other guy for 23 years (her exact words, btw). Bruce told her she was an idiot, and that he couldn’t fathom how any of this was supposed to be flattering. (Neither could we, Bruce!) Kris was aghast – this was not the reaction she expected to receive after simply trying to express to Bruce how much she appreciated him (while also telling him that she had almost cheated on him, minutes ago). Kris, you’re just too easy a target these days. I did a lot of waving my clenched fists at the heavens over this whole issue in my recap last week, and frankly, I’m still exhausted. Remember when this show dealt with other people’s failing relationships – like Kim’s and whats-his-name’s? Those were good times.
Speaking of Kim – this may shock you, but Kim Kardashian has a sixth sense – no, she doesn’t see ghosts, and she’s not telepathic – but she can SMELL cavities. That’s right. And her bizarre-o spidey senses are tingling because Lamar Odom has not been to the dentist in seven years, and the rotting teeth smell coming from his mouth is making Kim gag. But Lamar has a deeply rooted fear of going to the dentists – a fear that’s almost as deeply rooted as his rotting wisdom teeth. I, too, share Lamar’s distrust of dental technicians, mostly because I hate making awkward small talk while someone pries my mouth open and scrapes plaque off my teeth and onto a disgusting pink bib. Also, I hate being made to wear pink bibs.
Anyways, everyone sweet talked/yelled at him until he agreed to see a dentist. Now the whole world gets to watch while Lamar Odom gets pumped full of laughing gas and waxes on about how great it must be to be a dentist, because they make millions of dollars (probably true in this case) and get to walk outside and eat the best sandwiches in the world (?!?!) – until he zonks out mid sentence. Why did I feel like this whole segment was one big Kardashian endorsement for…going to the dentist? Lamar got a root canal, had a wisdom tooth removed and had about 8 (?!?!) cavities filled. Lay off the sweets, Lamar. After spending a full seven hours in the chair, Lamar could wholeheartedly endorse dentists everywhere (and their drugs).
Elsewhere, Kourtney was waddling around in a minidress like a pregnant fashion monster throughout this entire episode – seriously, the girl was rotund, like an overripe pear. Kris tried to throw her out of the room before she (unnecessarily) divulged the Todd updates to her other two daughters, because she feared Kourtney’s pious pregnant judgement. But when Kourtney, the human Weeble, refused to move (Weebles wobble so they don’t fall down), Kris was forced to dish to all three of the girls. Her mistake was in thinking that Kim and Khloe would be any more sympathetic. Of course, they all called her a little ho, berated her poor decision-making and joked about making her take a lie detector test – but Kris was totally game, naturally. She was happy to take any test they’d like in order to prove that she was over this dude. And also, to Bogart screen time. It’s increasingly obvious that to Kris Jenner, any attention is good attention, which explains so much about the Kardashians’ careers.
Kris took her lie detector test while the whole family watched (not at all awkward!) and fielded hard-hitting questions such as, “Is Kim your favorite daughter?” – “Is Robert Kardashian Khloe’s real father?”- before botching one of her final questions: “Do you want to have an affair with Todd?” The lie detector guy spoke about Kris’ performance on the test in very neutral terms, saying that there were a few questions that seemed to “upset” her, but that didn’t necessarily mean she was lying – it might’ve also been caused by an emotional response or a flood of pleasant memories. So why did we sit through that, exactly? Bruce wasn’t appeased even though Kris “passed” her test, and neither am I, for that matter.
Meanwhile, Rob was feeling insecure about his hair because his sister’s keep telling him it’s getting thin. Maybe he’s just wearing less product. Maybe his sisters just don’t have anything else to rib him about (GUFFAW). Either way, he decided to invest in hair maintenance and restoration products willy nilly – shampoos, pills, crazy laser devices – it got out of hand. Finally, the authentically bald Lamar had a heart-to-heart with him about…baldness. And rolling with the punches. Or something. I kind of tuned out during that bromantic little interlude.
Anyhoo, the girls arranged for Bruce and Kris to get away for the weekend, and booked them a nice little beach house in Malibu that was literally steps away from the ocean. That didn’t work, of course. Bruce couldn’t imagine what he was supposed to do with those beautiful beach views, so he decided to test the TV’s functionality and, in true Bruce fashion, spent the night on the couch while Kris drank wine and pranced around in silk pajamas. Sigh. A Malibu vacay isn’t gonna solve Bruce’s and Kris’ long-term relationship problems, but the next day, they lamented the passage of time together, looked at some family albums and kissed and made-up for the cameras before the weekend was totally wasted. Yawn.
Next week – Kourtney ponders an at-home water birth. God help us all.
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