What’s this, dear readers? Our Gossip Girl writers actually managed to concoct an hour (well, 44 minutes) of television without making all of our Upper East Siders appear together at some sort of improbable event? I can hardly believe it, but there was no museum opening or square-dancing competition or hotdog eating contest for everyone to go to, unless you count NYU’s awkward indoor beach party. But that was just Dan and Vanessa, and they barely count as characters on this show. My premise, it stands!

Instead, we had an episode that was all about kids and their parents – Chuck’s lying father and maybe-mother, Serena’s absentee dad, and the sack of drugs that Rufus and Lily found on Jenny, along with the international drug runner that brought them (although he wasn’t on her at the moment, but he will be next week). Monday night’s episode was filled with enough unresolved daddy issues to make an opportunistic fictional shrink absolutely salivate.

We’ll start where last week’s episode left off and this one began, and that’s with Nate and Serena’s insatiable need to hump. It’s insane that it took so long for these two to realize that they’re perfect for each other – when Serena walked into the kitchen wearing nothing but a button-down and thigh-high socks while Nate was halfheartedly poking at a toaster, trying to make it deliver room service, all I could think was how sad I’ll be when they eventually break up. Because of course they will. Duh.

Everything was cute for a second because they’re still in the honeymoon period – Serena said that she was surprised that he had tried to cook for her, Nate said that he was surprised that the apartment had a fridge. Adorableness all around, except that I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t know about the fridge. He’s a stoner, and details like that are important.

Obviously when they realize that a new piece of furniture has been discovered, it’s time to have sex on it – that’s why they’re perfect for each other. Luckily for all involved, Nate’s surprise fridge is filled with sexy foods like strawberries, fresh whipped cream and caramels (caramels in the fridge? You’ll break your teeth, you morons). If this had been filmed in my apartment, it would have been a clumsy montage of bottled water, leftover pizza and an expired bag of spinach, so at the very least, I enjoyed the food porn aspect of it.

When they were done, the plot actually started. Chuck calls them to intercept his BlackBerry from Blair, who’s in the Chuck’s room trying to make rival sex noises while looking perfect and reading a magazine. Because Nate and Serena don’t have the combined brainpower to even remember a lie that had already been made up for them, they end up telling Blair that she isn’t supposed to look at the phone, which obviously means she has to look at it. Therein she found a number of missed calls from an unknown source and immediately began to worry that Chuck might be cheating on her.

In a feat of lazy writing, Chuck walked in at exactly the moment that they were discussing the source of the calls, fresh from tossing his maybe-mom’s hotel room and finding out the truth, to assuage her fears and tell the gang that it was his long-lost mom that made those phone calls and that he never wanted to see her again. And really, that’s his choice to make. Just don’t tell that to Serena and her latent parental problems…

If Serena had gone to the therapy sessions that she has so obviously been skipping since childhood, she would have know that what she was doing is called projecting. She desperately wants to find her daddy and he desperately wants to evade her, so she’s sure that Chuck cannot have any thoughts in his head besides the exact same ones that she has. Of course. If you were as smokin’ hot as Serena is, you’d be just as self-absorbed.

Although I have to give the writers a little credit, because I had never really thought about Serena’s daddy issues in context with how much of a slut the show wants us to believe that she is, and between last week’s episode and this one, it finally occurred to me. Admittedly, I may be behind in that regard. It almost never occurs to me to think about the characters as people with emotions and psychological hangups that motivate their action. They’re too pretty for all of those problems.

Back to the point, Serena calls Elizabeth and sets up an ambush at dinner, wherein Chuck does his best angry catfish face and gives her a check to scram and never come back. She leaves for the time being, and he later confides in Blair that he was testing her and she failed by taking the check – cue the phone! She hasn’t failed! She wants to talk! Chuck seems utterly overjoyed, but I can’t help but think that this spells trouble for Blair – with a mother in his life, she won’t be able to mother him quite so much.

In unrelated parenting news, Lily is suspicious of that Damian kid that has been hanging around Jenny, which frankly means that she has better instincts about men than I had suspected and than her six or so marriages would indicate. Sure enough, she catches him in Jenny’s room in the morning and hauls Rufus in from Brooklyn to tell her what a bad daughter she is. Seemingly to further demonstrate Rufus’s point, and also possibly to impress Damian (although I don’t really understand her reasoning), Jenny flops out a giant bag of pills onto the floor in front of everyone, nearly making Rufus’s pointy little head explode. Lily switched from white wine to red. This is a crisis indeed.

Damian let Jenny take the fall momentarily, but when things got really bad, he came clean: his dad’s a junkie and he was trying to get the drugs away from him. Jenny was merely comforting him. I don’t know if we can fully credit him with “coming clean” since that was still half a lie and he’s still a drug dealer, but as it turns out, his dad is a junkie. Or something. Welcome to this episode’s theme, Damian. But none of that matters, since Rufus is still going to haul Jenny back to Brooklyn as punishment.

Because surely no trouble could find her in Brooklyn. Also, there are no drugs in Brooklyn. And no ways that she could get in trouble. Or ways that she could get back to Manhattan. Right. Do we all remember when she ran away and lived with that model and her weird party-photographer boyfriend for like three days, and she ended up being rescued in her underwear by Nate? She was living in Brooklyn then, and Rufus didn’t even manage to get her back over the bridge before she was gone this time. Apparently Rufus doesn’t remember any of that Season 2 action, and I hope that her decision to run away yet again wasn’t predicated on the belief that Nate would rescue her if she needed it – he’s too distracted by her stepsister’s bionic boobs.

I guess this is the portion of the recap where I’m supposed to talk about Dan and Vanessa, so that’s what I’ll do, although I would like my objections to their existence to be noted for posterity. They’re still at NYU, which I had basically forgotten about (and apparently Blair has totally forgotten about), and they ended up taking awkward dates to an awkward out-of-season party that required swimwear and then awkwardly making out in the corner when Vanessa finally admitted that she didn’t actually hate Dan and that she wanted to maybe do dirty things to him. I mean, he was wearing a mantank, wouldn’t you want to molest him too?

They ended up doing said dirty things on the floor of her dorm, although it looked like they had taken care to remove all the linens for the adjacent bed and place them on the floor before the boning ensued, which would totally kill the moment. Afterwards, they cuddled and talked about marriage and how they weren’t going to take things quickly. They were just going to be friends that hooked up.

Right. Because that always works out so well.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • An4

    Amanda, you never disappoint me. you’re a word-wizard.
    btw I also have an expired bag of spinach in my freezer. :D
    agree about the caramels, I thought the same thing. I’m just sorry the writers used 9 and 1/2 weeks fridge scene (except serena is the one with the narcissistic personality here) but didn’t reference it further, maybe to make a witty remark, something, it had potential.

  • Marissa Cooper

    “But as it turns out, his dad is a junkie. Or something.”

    I LOL-ed when I read this sentence! I don’t buy what Damian says though.

    The Serena x Nate is was smokin!

  • Audrey

    “except that I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t know about the fridge. He’s a stoner, and details like that are important.”

    the whole fridge thing was just UNREAL. and not in the cool rachel zoe way.

  • Audrey

    “except that I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t know about the fridge. He’s a stoner, and details like that are important.”

    the whole fridge thing was just UNREAL. and not in the cool rachel zoe way.

  • Issy

    gossip girl!!!!!! you have my heart! (fb)

  • kellie wilson

    this season is really really good! I love the all the intense relationships! I love the drama with Chuck’s “mom”. I think GG gets better with each season! fb

  • Elyse

    something is fishy about Chuck’s mom… (fb)

  • Jocelyn

    I don’t watch but: Tag for Linea Pelle (fb)

  • Joy

    lol funny title