In the grand tradition of Gossip Girl, the show’s writers managed to follow up last week’s vaguely sense-making episode with a jumbled mess last night. There are more story lines in this show than there are characters, which means none of the plots are getting as much attention or detail as they deserves.

Obviously, though, none of that matters. Not when we were faced with a giant, ruffled dress, lots of diamonds, on-location Paris scenery and a dozen pretty people with problems. At this point, I don’t really even care if this show makes sense, so long as they give me something beautiful upon which to gaze. Luckily for us, the writers have that part down to a science.

Well, let’s see. Where were we…oh, right. Paris. We were in Paris, and by “we,” I mean Blair and Serena. They were drinking champagne and wearing sparkly things and talking about second dates with princes (not sure how Blair pulled that one off), but reality set in when Lily called to tell Serena that Chuck had washed up on the banks of the Seine like a confused fish or something. Well, except he was dead. So, like a confused, dead fish. Lily swore her to secrecy and then sent her to the morgue to identify the body. Luckily, Blair was off shopping and making date preparations, so Serena could have flown back to the States and started wearing Ugg boots, for all she cared.

Back in Manhattan, Sir Manbangs was strolling with The Stalker and discussing Serena, a subject on which I’m sure Juliet (apparently that’s the stalker’s name) has done her reading. Nate is feeling conflicted about his feelings for Serena, but Juliet helpfully offers to be his “life coach” in order to assure that he doesn’t end up tangled in Serena’s web and/or extensions once again. How convenient for her that Nate isn’t particularly quick on the uptake.

Nate and Juliet eventually ended up in Brooklyn, cooing over Dan’s baby and, once again, discussing Serena. When Dan left the room momentarily, Nate grabbed his phone like an insecure girlfriend to check and see if Serena had contacted him, and naturally she had just sent him a text message saying that they needed to talk. Unawares that the need to talk was about Chuck’s maybe-corpse, Nate and Julia decided than Dan was a dirty, rotten liar who was denying his contact with Serena because he was trying to get back together with her. Juliet seemed to have overplayed her hand about how much he knows about the group during this scene, but like I said, Nate isn’t so quick on the uptake. Lucky for her.

In Paris, Serena and her spangly jacket had arrived at the morgue to view Chuck’s body, which we all knew wasn’t Chuck’s body because at that very moment, he was rolling around in bed with that mumbling French girl and getting ready to go to work at his new job, which apparently requires him to dress like a French peasant from the 1950s. An interesting look for The Paisley’d One.

While Chuck was limping to work (WITH A CANE AND A VEST AND EVERYTHING, for reals y’all), we got shades of Sex and the City when Blair, in the back of a taxi, nearly ran over him. They locked eyes through the open window, and although she knew it was him, she seemed remarkably unruffled by the chance encounter. Personally, I’m just shocked that she didn’t shrug it off as a doppleganger. How could she have recognized him, he wasn’t wearing a suit or any purple or his pinkie ring. Is Chuck really Chuck if he doesn’t have his pinkie ring? I think not.

For Chuck’s part, he knew it was Blair immediately and went straight to his mumbling French girlfriend to propose that they move to India. She said something that was largely incomprehensible about being able to afford things, and he let it slip that he might have a way to finance stuff. That’s all I got from that conversation. At all. If you got anything else out of it, let me know.

In Brooklyn, the stalker was meddling, as stalkers are wont to do when their moronic targets have befriended them. She approached Vanessa to tell her that Nate confessed his lingering feelings for her, and also to encourage her to pursue him. She said all of this in front of Dan, so surely she has some sort of scheme brewing. And with Blair abroad, someone had to pick up the slack. Might as well be Juliet. Nate, for his part, told Vanessa that Dan is no longer in love with Serena. So, wait, Nate is in on part of the scheme? Exactly how much of a scheme can be be trusted to execute correctly? I’m guessing not much, since Dan very quickly figured out what Nate had told Vanessa, at which point everything blew up in their faces.

Chuck was also doing a little scheming of his own, this time to ensure that his Henry disguise didn’t come unglued. Serena has managed to track him down after she learned about Blair’s sighting, and when she went to his apartment, he pretended that he had never seen Serena before because Frenchie was present. He also really seemed intent on the whole moving-to-India thing, and having seen Anthony Bourdain’s recent show on Kerala, I’m not sure I could blame him. The food looked delicious.

While all of this was happening, Blair and her prince were wandering Paris, pretending that Blair likes to eat meat from food trucks and listen to street musicians. Thankfully for her sanity, the prince ixnayed those plans so that they could go to a ball with his parents, which is much more up Blair’s alley. She also gave up on the kebab charade, which didn’t seem to bother the prince. I bet he doesn’t really like street food either. (I, on the other hand, really like street food. But I’m also not rich and/or royalty.)

Unfortunately while Blair was getting ready for her princess moment, Serena was still trying to run down Chuck and get to the bottom of things. He seemed alarmingly set on making his Henry character his new identity, to the point where he told her that he was getting a new passport made and he later had the deeds to all of his properties messengered to her. Apparently he’d rather be nothing than be Chuck Bass after losing the only thing that mattered. He probably should have thought up that before he banged a teenager.

Speaking of Blair, she had finally settled on a gorgeous Oscar de la Renta gown to wear to the ball, and it would have made Cinderella jealous. Not only that, but her next stop was Harry Winston. You can’t go to a ball without some bling, of course. At the jewelry store, Blair ran in to Serena, who was there with a private investigator to pick up Chuck’s ring that the thieves had tried to sell back to the store. This show is nothing without it’s highly improbable chance meetings.

Serena used the opportunity to tell Blair that Chuck had been shot trying to protect her ring from thieves and that he was getting ready to shed his identity and skip the country, and at the conclusion of that conversation, the prince’s limo conveniently pulled up to give Blair a personal crisis. I probably would have thrown up from the pressure, but that’s why Oscar de la Renta doesn’t loan gowns to me.

Ultimately, though, Blair made the only decision that she could have made. She went straight to Chuck, de la Renta gown and giant diamonds intact, and they had another one of their heart-rending scenes where both of them prove for the zillionth time that they’re far better actors than this show probably deserves. I teared up a little bit as Blair told Chuck that it wouldn’t be her world without him in it, and the whole thing was so beautifully lit and everyone was so beautifully coiffed that they could have done the rest of the show, including the New York scenes, from that very spot and I wouldn’t have minded in the least.

In a far less serious conundrum, Nate and Dan were on the roof in Brooklyn, drinking beer and talking about their feelings. For two 19-year-old boys, they were remarkably mature about the fact that they both had feelings for Serena, but I’m fairly sure that won’t continue to happen. It can’t, this is Gossip Girl and this story recycles itself approximately every 15 minutes. As it was, though, they both miraculously got over Serena at the same time and decided that the people who they actually want to be with were under their noses all along. Convenient for all involved, except for Serena, who was bummed out to be single when she got home. Somehow, I don’t think she’ll be bummed for long.

The only problem with Nate’s decision about Serena, of course, is that Juliet is a stalker who is only using Nate as a means to an end. That’s right – he’s not the real mark, Serena is. We don’t know why, of course, but we do know that she took everyone else off the bulletin board in her crappy apartment and she told someone that she missed him or her on the phone, and I’m guessing it’s not a her. Poor Nate – too stupid to see the red flags, even after he realized that she managed to take over his life in three days.

Obviously at this point in the show, there are a few loose ends which need addressing before we’re allowed to end this episode and move on to the next. First, the baby’s paternity – Rufus found Milo’s hospital bracelet, which listed the baby’s blood type as O-negative. Rufus seems to think that type is particularly rare and it would make it almost impossible for Dan to be the father, but from what I’ve found after far too much Googling about blood types, O-negative isn’t all that uncommon – one in 15 people have that blood type, while Dan’s blood type (AB-positive) is far more rare with a rate of one in 29.

Rufus does seem to be correct that it virtually eliminates the possibility that Dan is the father, however. Feel free to skip this genetics lesson if you’d like: blood type is inherited from our parents, and both O types are recessive, meaning that both parents have to provide a type O allele for their child to have type O blood. If Dan had been A or B, which are both dominant alleles, it would still be possible for him to pass on a recessive O to his child.

Since Dan’s an AB type, however, that means (based on what I’ve read) that he wouldn’t have had an O allele to provide. The baby would have received either an A or B from him, depending on which allele he passed. A and B are codominant alleles and a parent with both can only pass one or the other to a child, so Dan wouldn’t have had an O allele to provide. So Dan – you are NOT the father! (Imagine that last sentence in a Maury Povich voice.) Color me shocked that Gossip Girl managed to get the science right. And yes, I spent like half an hour reading about blood types last night, why do you ask?

The other loose end, of course, is Chuck’s mumbling French girlfriend. Since Blair told him that she was no longer in love with him, he would have been going back to New York City single if he chose to return to his former life. Naturally, that’s what he chose to do, and he asked Frenchie to go with him. He also dropped the rich-bomb on her while waiting for her to make a decision about an intercontinental move on a Paris street corner, so I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she probably makes the trip. I guess we’ll find out her decision next week.

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Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • sohini

    I think Lilly and Rufus’ son, I think his name is scott, is the baby daddy.

    • An4

      Relli I like your idea!

      Amanda, great recap as usual. I still remember my biology classes very well and I was really happy that GG did that right – it was a smart and easy solution.

  • Relli

    I love that you watch Anthony Bourdain! Thanks for the re-caps GG interferes with my bedtime duties so this all i have to know what is going on. Also great research on the blood types that takes some skill.

    • I have an enormously inappropriate crush on Anthony Bourdain. I can watch his show for hours on end, it’s kind of pathetic.

  • Rachel

    I love, love, love Chuck and Blair. Amanda, you are right they are far better actors then this show deserves and far better actors then anyone on the show. The Nate, Dan, Vanessa, stalker storyline was just boring and I like the actress that plays the stalker. I want Serena to get a good storyline that does not involve her getting arrested, Dan, Nate or married men. I want her to realize stalker girl is a stalker and detroy her. Remember those few days where Serena took over being Queen B of the high school? Good times.

    Also please get Milo a DNA test this is getting silly. Paris girl needs to stay in Paris.

  • An4

    I meant sohini’s idea, sorry :)

  • hannah

    I’m finishing up nursing school and we do cross typing all the type with newborns and banking blood and giving blood to patients etc. and i was completely and utterly amazed that Gossip Girl got it right! that took some thought!!! i even rewond (rewinded??) the tv to make sure I heard it correctly. Rufus knows his crap!!

    and the Blair and Chuck moment confessing that it wouldn’t be her world without him in it, they deserve some sort of award!! they could easily redo the entire show and just have it all about Chuck and Blair and I would watch it all day long. they are both incredible actors and its really kind of sad that they have to act in the same scenes as their less talented cohorts. I could watch the 2 of them over and over, and i teared up too!! they are simply amazing!!

  • hannah

    ps: how long is dan going to think that georgina is at the spa?? there wasnt a phone call to let her know, hey! we have a new nursery?! craps gonna hit the fan pretty soon.

  • M

    Well, iirc Rufus believed that Lily was at the spa for well over a month while she was either on a ranch with her mother or with billy baldwin in florida or something to that effect. It’s been what, a week since G “left for the spa”? apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

  • Fiona

    Great GREAT recaps, Amanda.
    I always enjoy watching and then reading your post.

    Oh please someone tell me the name of the bag French girl is carrying on the last pic of this post. Is it Valextra?

  • ALSO. Hat-tip to the writers for the Edgar Allen Poe reference with naming the private investigator Inspector Chevalier. The time I spent reading Murders at the Rue Morgue for my college detective fiction class finally paid off, albeit in the capacity of helping me catch a literary allusion on Gossip Girl.

  • mariana

    great as always!!

  • Jennifer

    I have to tell you I loved reading your recap (and all the comments!) as this show is my “guilty pleasure” t.v. viewing! :) I loved the Blair and Chuck moment, but there was one thing throwing it off for me. While I LOVED Blair’s gorgeous Oscar de la Renta gown and who could say no to Harry Winston…the whole thing was thrown off for me because I couldn’t stop obsessing over the fact that I hated the beautiful red and pink together. I know a lot of people like the color combination together, but for some reason I just don’t like the bright red and pink together, but that is just me. Also, I know it is totally an “in” look, but I hated Serena’s pants and gold jacket….I felt like I was back in the 80’s and waiting for some Hammer pants to appear. ha! However, overall I loved Blair and Serena being in Paris just so I could see all the different outfits they were going to wear….then again I feel like that even when they are in New York! :)

    • Serena’s space-jacket-and-hammer-pants ensemble was…awful. I usually like even the weird stuff that they do on this show because at least it’s fun, but having her in that outfit for the WHOLE episode was just mean.

  • Amy

    Love the recap! Noticed two typos in the paragraph that starts, “In Brooklyn, the stalker was meddling….” Dan and Nate’s names are switched in the beginning of the paragraph (once, Nate’s switched with Dan, then the next is the other way around). This confused me the first time I read it, so just wanted to point it out for anyone else!

    Amanda, I look forward to your recaps every week, just as much as watching the show! And thanks for doing the blood type research for me.

    By the way, Seeing Chuck in his perfectly tailored pinstripe suit and purple rosette supposedly just hours after the scene with Blair on the bridge (at night!) was ridiculous. And I had to rewatch the scene with him dressed like that with the French girl a couple times – they look so funny next to each other. I preferred Chuck in his peasant look, it was kind of sexy.

  • Lauren

    What I can’t get past and I have said this to others is that these kids are supposed to be mega-wealthy and none of them (except for Blair this season) have smart phones!??!? They all have flip phones!? What is up with that?

    • That annoys me to no end as well. I’m 24 years old, and the only person I know who doesn’t have a smartphone of some sort is my friend who manages to drop hers in the toilet every few months (once she did it twice in three weeks). She’s not allowed to have nice phones, but other than that…everyone does. These people certainly would have them.

    • Ann

      Ha! That’s always bugged me too! I think it’s because you can be more dramatic with a flip phone, i.e. slam it shut after an angry phone call. Can’t be dramatic with a smartphone because you wouldn’t want to damage the screen :)

    • M

      I`m surprised they weren`t Vertus or something.

      Last season, when Blair was toying with Flo Rida and Nelly Yuki, she used a phone with a full keyboard (is that your definition of smartphone?) to download the song.

      • Anaa

        Both Serena and Chuck had Blackberries.
        Serena had the new Torch, and I didn’t really see which one Chuck had (the one that was in the zip bag with his belongings), but it looked like the Bold or something…. What did throw me off is that Blair had the Tour, which I haven’t seen anyone carry… EVer.

    • Matthew

      Blair had a Blackberry.

  • kirsty

    hi. does anyone know the label of blair’s suitcases in this episode??

  • Katherine

    What brand of shoe does Blair give to Louis at the end of this episode? I am in love. Also love the red Oscar de la Renta gown. It is breathtaking… Almost as breathtaking as the ring Chuck was going to propose to Blair with. Who could say no to that!!!

    • yeh-yeh

      Roger Vivier. There was also a clutch by the designer.

      Thanks for the recap Amanda.. Greetings from Paris! Living the scenes has been fun…