gg election

First, a PurseBlog PSA: apologies if posting is a bit light today across the blogs. Megs and Vlad are heading back home from their trip as we speak and I’ve got the dread scourge of tonsillitis. Mostly my cold meds make me a little too loopy to write, except for recaps, because being a bit loops actually helps.

Take, for example, the nonsense that went on during last night’s episode of Gossip Girl: we witnessed a staged drowning, Blair made friends with a random prostitute (ahem, high-class call girl) over a Valentino bag, Serena assaulted her with baked goods, Dan got called out on national television (but don’t worry, it was Fallon, no one watches him. And for what? I have no idea.) and someone actually up and told Serena that, honey, you look like a prostitute.

Last night, our Upper East Siders went to the polls. Check out their results, after the jump.

Remember Nate’s uber preppy cousin Trip? And he’s nicknamed Trip because he’s “the third?” And that’s the preppiest thing I’ve ever heard in my life? Well he ran for congress last night, at the ripe old age of 26. I’m about to turn 24 and he’s making me feel like an underachiever. Anyway, he’s just running because he’s got a Kennedy-esque lineage and name recognition that will ensure his victory, but just in case it’s not sure, Nate Manbangs concocted that whole stupid poker scheme like two episodes ago with Serena as the unwitting bait, and then Serena blew his cover and he’s still mad at her, right?

Well, someone in the Vanderbilt clan decided it was time for more chicanery, this time without the aid of Nate’s resplendent coiffure. With Tripp trailing on election day, Trip’s wife hired a dude to jump into the (absolutely disgusting) Hudson while Vanessa was filming her campaign “documentary” and then heroic Trip would heroically save him from drowning. And it all worked beautifully for a few hours!

The thing is, Vanessa was the one filming. And when she went to sell the footage to a news station, she realized that she had not only caught the “heroic” rescue, but that she had also filmed the dude jumping into the water, swimming out a few feet, and then pretending to drown. At this point in Vanessa’s life, the Humphreys hate her, her parents hate her, and pretty much everyone thinks she’s full of fail, and her principles are really all she has left to cling to.

But first, she goes to Nate with the footage to warn him about what’s in it, and Nate seems utterly horrified that someone in his family would try to use trickery to make sure that Trip won the election. Except that’s EXACTLY what he tried to do two episodes ago, right? So why is it horrifying now? Because no one clued him in on the stunt? Despite his dismay, Nate still manages to trick Vanessa out of selling the footage to the right person, and when you’re being outsmarted by Nate Archibald, you might as well just give up at life.

Everyone still makes it to the election party at Chuck’s hotel, despite the fact that everyone hates each other. Nate and his cousin are sure that his grandfather hired the fake drowning guy (he didn’t) and because Vanessa managed to find a way to get the footage to the media after all, Nate falls on his sword in front of the press at Trip’s party to ensure that Trip won’t be blamed, which is fine, because I doubt Nate has any political future anyway. Really, they’re just trying to wrestle power away from his grandpa, who Nate still insists on calling Grandfather, like we’re all Victorians or something.

But what would a Gossip Girl party be without at least half of the cast also in attendance? The soiree is at Chuck’s hotel so he does hosting duties, and because Serena and Blair are fighting (for reasons that I can’t even remember), S is able to make B feel insecure about having no actual friends to bring to the party.

So what does Blair do? She spots a chick with a Valentino 360 Hobo at The Coffee Shop That Everyone Goes To and, based only on sheer handbag envy (she’s still on the waitlist, how terrible!), decides to make friends with her and take her to the party. At which point I have to point out a mistake in handbag continuity – Jenny had a Valentino 360 Hobo at the Halloween party in the last episode. And it was a version that I liked better!

When Blair and Brandeis (seriously? That name?) get to the party, Brandeis knows absolutely all of the politicos in attendance, at which point I thought to myself, “HA! She’s a prosty!” And, lo and behold, she totally is. And not in the same way that Serena is – she doesn’t just look like a hooker, she actually is one, in the Elliot Spitzer/Ashley Dupre sense of the word.

But Serena has zero problem passing as a hooker for a few minutes in order to find Brandeis out and request to have her removed from the party, and when she informs Blair of the goings on of the evening, Blair just calls her a hooker for getting paid to date that client of hers, who is stumbling around drunk somewhere at the party, peeing in potted plants. But Serena never slept with the dude, despite his best attempts, and Serena is shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, that anyone would ever compare the two things. Suitable solution to this problem? Push Blair face-first into a cake.

And I still can’t really understand why everyone is mad at Serena when all she did was not cooperate perfectly in various and sundry ridiculous schemes, but after some heavy-handed eye contact outside the hotel, Blair and Serena are totally dunzo, at least for one more episode, maybe two. No one ever hates anyone else forever on this show and the writers can’t properly arc a narrative to save their lives, but it is kind of amusing to watch them glare at each other in the meantime. Blair says that Serena isn’t an appropriate friend anymore because she’s not doing anything with her life, Serena says that Blair is still acting like this is high school. Gotta say I’m on Team Serena on this one, particularly since the accusation results in her quitting her job and we won’t have to see her annoying boss anymore.

Although I’m going to go ahead and make a prediction – Serena and Trip are gonna screw. His wife seems like a cold, calculating shrew, Trip is way too cute and as Blair so viciously pointed out, Serena doesn’t often decline that sort of invitation.

Oh, and the thing with Dan and Olivia? It was ridic. Beyond stupid. I almost don’t even want to write about it. Olivia went on Jimmy Fallon’s show, she told a stupid story about Dan that seems to have been meant to imply that he excused himself to go masturbate in the dorm bathroom (but seriously, I don’t think guys take their shirts off to do that), and he got dubbed Bathroom Boy. Dan is supposed to be mad, but he isn’t, he just realizes that he had forgotten their one month anniversary. To which I ask: after the age of sixteen, do one month anniversaries even exist? Did we somehow miss the conversation where they agreed to go steady and she gets to wear his letterman’s jacket?

As for the next episode, I have but one word: threesome.

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