A few months and a lot of changes

Dear Millie,

Writing you these letters is one of my favorite things to do, and yet somehow the past few letters have needed to have months combined. I have spent so much time relishing every moment with you when it’s just the three of us (and Brutus!) before your little brother joins us. Your bond with me is stronger than ever, in a more outward way—you look for me constantly and check to see why and if I am leaving the room, yet you go about your activity mostly without a full meltdown if I’m not around. Still, these last few months have been all about mom-mom, and not only do I allow it, but I love it.

You see, I have known for a little while now that you are going to be a big sister. I suppose everyone has an idea in their mind of what it will be like when they find out they are pregnant, and with you and your little brother my emotions were so different than I expected. With you, we had been trying for a year and were working with doctors to get pregnant, while with your brother, it truly was a surprise. I imagined when I found out I was pregnant again I would be jumping for joy, but sometimes I don’t deal well with surprises, and one of the first emotions I felt was sad that I would miss out with you! You see, it has been you and me and your dada for nearly two years. You are my constant companion, and I have filled my days with all things Millie. I didn’t miss one milestone, I didn’t miss one doctor appointment, I haven’t even missed one nursing session. I suppose I’ll someday look back on this and think I should have taken a little more time for myself, as I know me-time is so important, but I love all the Millie time. It is my favorite. And when I say “sad,” I don’t mean that the news wasn’t met with a thousand other emotions, including incredibly happiness—because it was—but I also realize our lives and yours will change, adding your little brother to the mix, and man, I just want to be able to still give my all to you.

In the past few months, you’ve changed drastically. You are talking up a storm and you repeat almost every word we say. Your memory is absolutely insane, and you remember the funniest and most random, specific details, like a police horse you saw in the car a few streets over—now you always say “horse” when we pass that spot. You’re obsessed with the alphabet and have been for a while, reciting it and pointing out letters wherever you see them, and much to your daddy’s delight, you are speaking some German as well and enjoy counting to 10, expecting big claps to follow. You LOVE being clapped for, and if we don’t praise you, you will look at us and say our name, expecting it. Some psychologist somewhere may say this is a bad habit, but I truly don’t care. I clap all the time and if someone else doesn’t and you want them to, I tell them to also. I mean, how can they not, you are so proud of yourself, and later in life you’ll have plenty of difficult moments—why not get clapped for now?

You’re obsessed with the water, which doesn’t come as a surprise to almost anyone, seeing as how me and your daddy met on the swim team in college, and you’ve been going to swim classes every week. Your instructors say you have lungs of steel because you seem to never be in a hurry to get to the wall, you just take your time and throw a kick or two in there every now and again. Watching you is so fun, and hard, because sometimes you decide there’s something better to do than listen to your coach and hold onto the wall, so you pop off, deciding to explore on your own. You love talking to everyone in your class, pointing to their swimsuits and then pointing out their head, toes, eyebrows, mouth, teeth. And you LOVE to laugh, you are already such a jovial and joyful little kid, and it’s just so fun to watch. Of course, that is paired with the stubborn kid who refuses to wear a diaper or clothes, too, but hey, that is just a phase I think/hope.

Time seems to just speed by, and the rate at which you change is scary. You have an incredible sense of humor that is met with an equally strong will. I could easily describe you as one of the most laid-back kids, but when you are not feeling something, you have no problem letting us know. You do this in every aspect of life, and while I know we will butt heads one day, I also know this will serve you well. You have no fear, and again, it’s a trait I love about you, but I also can’t help myself but worry. You love going to the museum and park and indoor play place with us and your sitter, and your grandma is always saying you really live quite the great life, which you do.

I’ve been talking to you about your little brother and how he’ll be here soon and we’ll have to share lots of things: mom-mom (that’s my new name) time, nursing, attention. But you mostly ignore it when I talk about him. Partly I think you’ve been a bit young to get it, and the other part of me thinks you are like, let’s not go there now, okay mom? I’m so excited to see you as a big sister, and I also want to soak up every moment I have with you before your little brother comes. Before I put you in your bed every night, I repeat the same thing to you: “I love you more than anything in the world”. And kid, no truer words have ever been spoken.



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